Fratberry 283,018 53
02/06/2007 03:06 PM

no.

McPants with the daylight in his eyes 19,555 11
02/06/2007 03:09 PM

Hey! You don't get to tell us what to do!



(Only your president gets to do that.)

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
02/06/2007 03:15 PM

A truck driver goes into a whorehouse and declares he's been everywhere in America and has seen it all and wants something different. They send him to Hurricane Hattie's room.

Hattie tells the guy to get on the bed, and then squats over him and begins farting on his face.

"What the hell are you doing, woman?"

"I'm Hurricane Hattie, and those are the winds beginning to blow."

"Damn," he says.

Then she bends over him and starts swinging her breasts and knocking them against the side of his head.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm Hurricane Hattie, and those are the coconuts falling down and knocking you in the head."

"Damn!"

Then Hattie squats over him again and starts pissing on his face.

"Now what the hell are you doing, woman!?"

"I'm Hurricane Hattie, and those are the warm rains starting to fall on you."

The trucker gets up and starts putting on his pants.

"Where you going, honey? Don't you want to Frost?"

"WHO the HELL can Frost in this kind of weather?"

syncope 49,019 14
02/06/2007 03:15 PM

An American wrestler is facing his heavily favored Russian counterpart in the Olympics. The Russian is 100-0, with a submission move called "The Pretzel" from which no man has escaped.

"Keep your distance," the American coach says, "wait for an opportunity, and whatever you do, AVOID THE PRETZEL."

The match starts and almost instantly the Russian locks in his signature move. The crowd lets out a despondent sigh, and the coach buries his head in his hands. Suddenly he hears a scream, looks up, and sees the Russian wrestler flying out of the ring.

"I don't believe it," says the coach, "how did you break the pretzel hold?!"

"Well, I was all wrapped up, I felt myself passing out, when I noticed a ballsack hanging just above my face. I figured I was going to lose anyway, might as well do some damage, so I reached out and bit it as hard as I could."

"Incredible!" says the coach, "You bit the Russian on the balls? THAT'S how you won?!"

"No," says the American, "but you'd be surprised how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

/courtsey of the commission for the longest lame jokes ever.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
02/06/2007 03:16 PM

But, of course, I have to divulge that Hattie was actually Canadian.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
02/06/2007 03:31 PM

A priest walks past a little kid sitting on the curb, shaking a bottle of liquid.

"What do you have there, son?"

"Fadda, this is the most powerful liquid in the world!" the boy answers.

"No, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Last week a rubbed a few drops of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach, and she passed a baby boy."

"Well, yesterday I rubbed a few drops of this kerosene on a cat's ass and it passed a motorcycle."

TomSFox 352 6
02/06/2007 03:53 PM

The only real american joke: George W. Bush.

I Llove You 48,662 14
02/06/2007 03:56 PM

Everyone knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the 7th....well on the 8th day, God and the angel Gabriel were looking down on the world and God says to Gabriel "I am happy with my creation Gabriel, so happy in fact that today I will create the best land in the world and I will call this land Canada. I will give it tall majestic mountains, and wide open prairies...I will give it not 1, not even 2, but 3 oceans...I will cover this land in rich green forests, deep blue lakes, crystal clear rivers and beautiful wild life for them to enjoy..I will let them experience all 4 seasons and I will populate this land with all different types of people...nothing but the kindest, gentlest most caring people in the world...and they shall be known as Canadians...These Canadians will be known around the world for their friendliness, and compassion for others, and will be well respected by all..they will rise up in the face of tyranny, and help crush evil that threatens the world. They will be intellegent, and use this intellegence for the good of the world...." God keeps going on like this for awhile..and this whole time Gabriel has become quite worried so finally he says.."God, I don't mean to question you, but don't you think that you may be giving these Canadians a little to much?"...God looks upon Gabriel and smiles...then says "Don't worry Gabriel....wait until you see the neighbours I am giving them!"

I Llove You 48,662 14
02/06/2007 03:56 PM

DO YOU EXPECT US TO READ ALL OF THAT?

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
02/06/2007 03:58 PM

Lloyd, for the llove of god, use that goddamned Enter key once in a while.

You know you want to.

Few are gayer than McPants 19,555 11
02/06/2007 03:58 PM

I am mildly amused by your consistent mis-spelling of "intelligent".

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
02/06/2007 04:03 PM

An American journalist once asked Mahatma Gandhi the following question:
- "What is your opinion on American civilization?"
Ghandi smiled and replied: "I think it would be an excellent idea!"

TableTopJane 173,958 15
02/06/2007 04:03 PM

At last, a decent explanation of why Germans Americans have no sense of humour.

It's because they don't speak English German, you see.

Daves not here. 52,827 16
02/06/2007 04:05 PM

The only real american joke: George W. Bush.

Only? Clearly you aren't familiar with our history. Does the name Marion Barry ring a bell? How about Gerald Ford?

I Llove You 48,662 14
02/06/2007 04:08 PM

ok, ok, I copied and pasted that joke. I didn't have time to type all of that. I had to poop!

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
02/06/2007 04:10 PM

Sorry, Lloyd, I forgot you are Canadian.


Lloyd, use that gosh-darned Entour key once in a while, eh?

I Llove You 48,662 14
02/06/2007 04:11 PM

Thank you for courrecting that mistauke.

Pumpkin Noggin- Pres. of the Chance Fan Club 56,642 8
02/06/2007 04:15 PM

Q: Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb?

A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

Midgets 96,092 48
02/06/2007 04:22 PM

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Pumpkin Noggin- Pres. of the Chance Fan Club 56,642 8
02/06/2007 05:06 PM

This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Rowdy Roddy Felipe 161,353 14
02/06/2007 06:17 PM

An American walks into a bar. All the other people there are from other countries. The American says, "Give me an American beer." Then the Germans and the British all start gnashing their teeth and smoking cigarettes and being derisive of American beer. So he orders a glass of California wine. The Frenchmen and the Italianos start smoking cigarettes and making crude comments. Feeling hungry, the American orders a bowl of ramen, and the Asians all start smoking cigarettes and raffing. So he pulls out his gun and kills everyone in the bar. "Who's laughing now?" he says, exercising his Second Amendment right to bear arms.

SHP is old 181,795 70
02/06/2007 07:42 PM

People were smoking in a bar?
Clearly, the American was visiting another country.

syncope only knows good, ball...and rape. 49,019 14
02/06/2007 07:44 PM

You can still smoke in St. Louis bars.

SHP is old 181,795 70
02/06/2007 07:44 PM

No smoking in bars now, and soon, no drinking and no talking.
-Eddie Izzard

Ranting and Ravos 63,472 21
02/06/2007 07:48 PM

You think we live in igloos. We think you do this.

Pumpkin Noggin- Pres. of the Chance Fan Club 56,642 8
02/06/2007 07:48 PM

You can still smoke in St. Louis bars.

You can? SWEET! I've 40 lbs of bacon and a half cord of apple wood, I'll be there in 7hours.

Werehampsta 6,375 8
02/06/2007 07:59 PM

Pumpkin, and there, on the handle of the car door, was a hook.

Pumpkin Noggin-Dead and not loving it. 56,642 8
02/06/2007 08:00 PM

Um...American JOKES dear....YOU started the thread, I just posted in it.

Marmite on Toast 12,955 12
02/06/2007 08:38 PM

Q: How do you confuse an American?

Scroll down for answer


















































Scroll up for answer

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
02/06/2007 08:42 PM

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Vroom-Vroom 30,762 12
02/06/2007 08:44 PM

How do you confuse a Marmite?

Scroll down for the answer.

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
02/06/2007 08:46 PM

A business man from out of town walks into a bar in San Francisco and looks around. Unsure if it's a gay bar or not and having made the mistake of walking into one the previous night, he cautiously asks the Bartender "Excuse me, is this a gay bar?" The Bartender looks him over then gestures to a small brass plaque on the floor by the bar. The business man bends over and reads it "brace yourself?"

Marmite on Toast 12,955 12
02/06/2007 08:47 PM

Ouch.

Chit 178,781 15
02/06/2007 09:40 PM

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

Pumpkin Noggin has a heart for VD 56,642 8
02/06/2007 09:45 PM

Robert Gates is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

syncope only knows good, ball...and rape. 49,019 14
02/06/2007 09:48 PM

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

The bartender says, "Well, first you have to steal a Red Fox joke and post it to GAB..."

The Sage of Seattle 36,465 8
02/07/2007 01:20 AM

A business man from out of town walks into a bar in San Francisco and looks around. Unsure if it's a gay bar or not and having made the mistake of walking into one the previous night, he cautiously asks the Bartender "Excuse me, is this a gay bar?" The Bartender looks him over then gestures to a small brass plaque on the floor by the bar. The business man bends over and reads it "brace yourself?"


Oh. So you fell for that one too, eh, Skip?

Rowdy Roddy Felipe 161,353 14
02/07/2007 01:22 AM

So every joke I've ever been told was made up on the spot by the person telling it? AMAZING

Just Chance 171,275 14
02/07/2007 02:27 AM

Yes.