The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
03/03/2007 09:52 AM

There was the one time that I pissed off the balcony and doused the neighbor kid below.

Tweak 18,881 12
03/03/2007 02:50 PM

Me:(I take a deep breath, smile and add a slight southern drawl to my reply...) No, I don't go for POOR meat, it's too stringy. I usually buy the best cuts of meat and they're pretty expensive.
Oh, and I can assure you, they're dead before they hit the grill, so think of it more like a crematorium with BBQ sauce.

It's so obvious you didn't say that, I'm not even going to mention it.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/03/2007 02:57 PM

Come on, how many of us always tell the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help ye god, when we relate our stories on here?


What? All of you? Oh yeah then, definitely. Me too.

Tweak 18,881 12
03/03/2007 04:17 PM

Pretty well all of the stories I tell are true. That's why I don't tell many stories, because nothing funny or interesting ever happens to me.

the delicious Captain Skippy 41,253 13
03/03/2007 04:43 PM

We use to rent a house in Atlanta. A couple houses down was a gay couple who ran a landscaping company. Their front yard was elevated about 2 feet off the street by mulch and it had all manner of bush and shrub planted in it but no grass. They worked on it every day. I'm not sure if they used it to keep plants they intended to transfer elsewhere or if they were just bat Shakespeare crazy but they uprooted and replanted everything almost weekly.

Whatever, they were cool. We'd walk our dog daily to get exercise and we'd pass by and say hello. Sometimes we'd stop and talk for a bit.

One day we get to the corner and one of them walking their dog. We wave and say hello and he says "You know if you have something to say to me you can just say it!" We look at each other a bit alarmed thinking the other had done something to offend him and so I turn back and say "Um...I'm not sure what you think we did but I assure you that neither of us have any problems with you or your partner." He rolled his eyes and said "She does, you can just say!"

Now my exwife is the kind of person who would rather crawl up into her own ass and eat her own Shakespeare than do or say anything to offend someone and up until that point I was afraid that it was something I'd done to offend them. I laughed at the notion that she said anything, reassured him that neither of us had any ill feelings towards him and his partner, and we ran away as fast as we could.
Later I decided to go and talk to him and find out what happened. All I could ever get out of him was "Oh she knows, she knows! If she wants to discuss it, she can come talk about it herself!"

Lila Handbanana 78,555 13
03/03/2007 04:46 PM

Apparently your wife was never skilled in the ways of being a true "fag hag". Give her my number and I will teach her all the mysterious ways of gay bars and princess points.

Lila Handbanana 78,555 13
03/03/2007 04:47 PM

Also, when someone says, "You know if you have something to say to me you can just say it!", why is it the very LAST thing they want you to do is actually say it.

The High Priestess, purebred human, no vampire! 58,948 29
03/03/2007 05:31 PM

My ex-landlord is taking me to small claims court for $1,000 she claims I owe her. Sh is a lier. I don't want to go to court, but I don't have that money because I have been out of work!

She says that I broke the couch on purpose, when in reality the couch was an old cheap Ikea-Shakespeare-couch. Apperently, there are 5 missing light bulbs, 6 missing slald forks, missing bath towels, wahs towels, oven mitts (there were no oven mitts in the place!) and a broom that was never in there to begin with. Apperently I also had a cat in the house (which I did, I was cat sitting) and I had a month of unpaid rent and I wasn't even living in the apartment! Beat that.

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/03/2007 05:46 PM

I used to have a neighbor who would walk around her house naked with the blinds open. From my living room I could see right into her kitchen whilst she cooked in the nude. She had a nice ass but a bit of a pooch tummy.

I had difficulty maintaing eye-contact with her when I saw her outside while she was clothed.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/03/2007 05:47 PM

Where I lived in Montreal, I could hear my neighbours through the walls.

Sometimes, I could just hear them chatting in a language that wasn't English or French. Often, I could hear them shouting at each other. And occasionally, I could hear them having sex.

That was always pretty funny, because it would last five minutes, tops. Then they'd go back to swearing at each other.

.HC. 16,937 8
03/03/2007 06:31 PM

I'm walking over to the local cafe to meet some friends for brunch. I hope I run into my neighbor on my way home... with my doggy bag full of eggs Benedict, bacon, and some aromatic sausage.

FM 5-19 Chapter 6 3,163 6
03/04/2007 05:10 AM

She had a nice ass but a bit of a pooch tummy.

It's called a FUPA (fat upper Poe area)

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
03/04/2007 06:43 AM

No, it's called a gunt.

Shemullet 1,801 7
03/04/2007 06:44 AM

She had a nice ass but a bit of a pooch tummy.

Thank you, and I am also currently working on getting my flat tummy back.

Stuey's Fav Girl... 53 6
03/04/2007 06:57 AM

I used to have great neighbours... but they moved onto bigger and better places... now i have Crap neighbours.. Grumpy.. painful.. never smile..have annoying dogs... Play drums ALL THE TIME..

sob..

Can i have my old neighbours back?

Frogpop - I AM asking for it! 173,153 25
03/04/2007 07:34 AM

"Oh she knows, she knows! If she wants to discuss it, she can come talk about it herself!"

Gays and lesbians.. it's an ancient hatred. Gays have recently become even more embittered because of the imbalance in social acceptance that lesbians enjoy in American society today.

Fratberry 283,018 53
03/04/2007 08:18 AM

1991, Milledgeville, GA. Apartment. One cat, Scooter. New black female neighbor comes over to borrow the phone because hers isn't hooked up yet. Scooter sees her and proceeds to start meowing weirdly, moaning and hissing as he walks towards her and finally corners her in the living room.

Me: So, um, yeah, I guess he's never seen a black person before. We don't get a lot of them in the apartment.

Her: GAH, GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!! (repeatedly)

Its real hard getting a pissed off cat away from someone while you're laughing your ass off.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
03/04/2007 08:53 AM

My neighbors are all extremely passive-agressive. They ALL smile and say hi when I see them, and no one has ever said anything to me in person...BUT:

We're not supposed to have charcoal grills, but last summer I was out of propane and didn't want to load the car with the tank, so I grabbed a cheap $10 hibachi and cooked a steak on the balcony. Two weeks later, $100 fine from the co-op board, someone complained.

I play drums, and instead of being neighborly and asking me not to play them at specific times, someone bitched that I was playing them at 10:15 on a SATURDAY NIGHT (the rules say "no load noises after 10pm), another letter arrived, $100 fine.

I've been known to absentmindedly flick cigarettes off the balcony, instead of putting them in the ashtray. One day, I find a pile of butts at my front door. About a week later, a letter about littering and a $100 fine.

Parking a motorcycle in the same spot as my car? A letter came from the board, letting me know that was not allowed, and threatened a fine. Now, I use two spots, you dumb bastards.

I think I know which neighbor keeps complaining, but I can't prove it, so I'm reluctant to retaliate. She looks like a sweet, little old grandma, but something about the way I catch her looking at me tells me she's a lonely, crotchety old hag who gets her kicks out of making people miserable.

Frogpop - I AM asking for it! 173,153 25
03/04/2007 09:27 AM

She's funny though. Tell her to sign in so I can give her some clickies.

Fratberry 283,018 53
03/04/2007 09:31 AM

Beebs,

Stop being an inconsiderate dick.

Sincerely,

Earth

SquishedKitty 168 9
03/05/2007 12:19 AM

Our neighbor is a stone cold pure bread Bee eye tea see ach. We have been living at the same place for over 10 years now and so has she. Worst part is, shes one of those neighbors whose always bitching and swearing very loudly, so EVERYONE can hear, and to add to that she has the squeakiest most Frost-ing ear bleeding, finger-nails-scratching on-a-blackboard kind of voice. Come to think about it its like the mix of a duck, the nanny and a potatoe lodge in her throat.

Anywho, shes the type who only comes and visits to complain, although the rest of the neighborhood beleive shes a total nut case. The thing that pisses me off the most is in the summer when she cuts her grass she always DUMPS THE MESS ON MY DRIVEWAY ON PURPOSE THAT Frost-ing BITCh! Then she complains that our leaves fall on her proprety. Carroll.

One of my favorite stories about them happened one winter, after a huge snow storm. She has a fire hydrant on her lawn, so she is responsible of clearing the path to it. Apparently she doesnt like that task. After the storm our ex-front door neighbor passed the snowblower which he always did for all the neighbors houses in our corner, including hers. He accidently got a bit of snow near the fire hydrant that day. She was not pleased. The fight was awsome, so I was a happy camper. Those two families didn't speak to each other anymore. Best part is after this little event, the front door neighbor kept on snow blowing every house still, except for hers! It was the highlight of my winter, seeing her struggling in her driveway after every storm while i sipped hot cocoa reading Moby Dick in my living room near a toasty fire.

*on the side: her husband left her and her kids moved out, both when they turned 16!

beash

Jeprechaun 58,758 13
03/05/2007 12:27 AM

Pretty well all of the stories I tell are true. That's why I don't tell many stories, because nothing funny or interesting ever happens to me.

It's not what happens, its how you describe it:

Oops. I had a spin out.

Oops. My wife clogged the toilet.
http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?func=view_thread&thread_id=59166

Oops she did it again. Actually, not the best example since that definately does NOT happen everyday.

Still, it's not What happens rather than how you describe it.

Millie 116,988 28
03/05/2007 03:00 AM

She looks like a sweet, little old grandma, but something about the way I catch her looking at me tells me she's a lonely, crotchety old hag who gets her kicks out of making people miserable.

I'd be crotchety if some Emerson was deliberately using charcoal (against the rules), flicking his butts everywhere and playing his drums at night. Just because it's a Saturday night doesn't mean people want to listen to some jerk banging on his drums.

So, who is getting his kicks out of making people miserable again? I'm confused...

Combine Orgasm 197 7
03/05/2007 03:12 AM

I once had a neighbor that tried to hook up and extension cord to an outside outlet on my house and tried to steal power, then he got arrested...

Werehampsta 6,375 8
03/05/2007 03:20 AM

Actual (condensed) conversation between me and a roommmate. I was rooming with him in an apartment that we rented from my parents.

Roommate: You had your girlfriend over last night and had sex with her.

Me: Yeah, I did.

Roommate: I'm going to tell your parents that you did that.

Me: Um, you know that I'm in my thirties, right?

Jeprechaun 58,758 13
03/05/2007 03:23 AM

You would think that any nincompoop could see that after springing a gender reassignment on your parents, revealations of extra-marital sex would have sort of an anti-climatic shock value to them.

Werehampsta 6,375 8
03/05/2007 03:57 AM

This was before, actually.

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
03/05/2007 04:27 AM

Here's a little advice for Beebs, which I learned while living in a house where we had a "neighborhood association" with a variety of rules.

When you're unfairly hit with a letter telling of an infraction, deny that it happened and refuse to pay the fine.

If the management company persists, tell them that there is a neighbor who has a grudge against you, and that you believe that person is telling them lies about you.

The next time you hear from them, insist on knowing who your accuser is. Then tell them that any any further communication with you must go through your attourney.

I put up with two years of badgering and violations of my rights and my privacy before I put this system to work. Once I did, I lived the next three years without hearing a word of complaint from the management company or the board.

Condo and coop boards and neighborhood associations will do to you all the things the Bill of Rights prevents the government from doing. If you let them.

Frost that.

Millie 116,988 28
03/05/2007 04:33 AM

On the other hand, if you own the property and don't pay the fines, they can put a lien on your property.

By the way, my dad is president of his neighborhood association, and he gets calls day and night from people obsessed with the rules and people who totally ignore them.

Both are Frostwads, in my opinion. You know when you move in what the rules are; if you don't want to follow them, don't live there.

My father had to have a restraining order put against someone in his association. The guy blamed my dad because there are dues and costs to living there.

There are plenty of places to live where you can be as much of an inconsiderate Emerson as you want. That's why I don't like in an association.

Millie 116,988 28
03/05/2007 04:38 AM

I don't liVe in an association, either.

Damn it!

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
03/05/2007 05:09 AM

I believe in reason over rules.

Like "don't park on both sides of the street" is a pretty good rule if you live in a neighborhood with narrow streets, but it is only reasonable to allow people to break that rule on the day their daughter is getting married and 200 friends and relatives are expected.

Or, in GABese, how about you don't be an anal retentive nazi and I won't be an inconsiderate Emerson.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/05/2007 02:59 PM

Unfair? Beebs is that neighbor who deserves to be nailed to the front door as an example to anyone else who would be that much of an Emerson.

I had an upstairs neighbor who would play drums sometimes. It didn't help that he was totally arhythmic. It didn't help any more that Hindi was his first language. I would bang on his door and tell him to STFU because what kind of Emerson plays drums in an apartment that's not full of squatters?

The third time, I was a nice guy and I brought him a list of local rehearsal spaces, since that's what musicians who aren't raging Emersons do when they need to make noice. He stared at it like a dead sloth.

The fourth time, I whaled on his door with the police PR24 I keep on hand for the Mormons. He didn't open, but I knew that he was watching me through the peephole. I screamed that I would call the cops after I beat his wog ass into the stucco.

What I'm saying is that in Beebs' place, we got an Emerson with no sense of common decency surrounded by passive aggressive pussies who let the condo board do the dirty work that they're too chickenShakespeare to do themselves. I say we surround that building with fencing and attach machetes and chainsaws and stuff.

50 men enter, hopefully none will leave.

syncope's willing to die for a toenail 49,019 14
03/05/2007 03:01 PM

There was the one time that I pissed off the balcony and doused the neighbor kid below.


I just did that Saturday night!

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/05/2007 03:34 PM

The other night I was home alone crysturbating when I suddenly heard what sounded like screams of terror coming from my housemate's room. They quickly stopped, and I was suddenly horrified that maybe she was home after all and had just killed herself or something. So I went out and checked. I knocked, no answer, and her door was ajar. I peeked in her room, she wasn't there.

I heard the screams again, and since I was now in the hall, I could tell they were coming from the neighbours house, which like most houses over here is situated right up against ours. They stopped again, and I didn't go investigate.

I'm not a bad neighbour yet, but if there are police vans outside the house anytime soon, then I might be.

Straw++ 98,000 37
03/05/2007 03:37 PM

That's the thing about screams. It could be someone being raped or stabbed. It could be that someone saw a particularly large and freaky looking insect. It could be someone watching porn.

There needs to be a scream-o-meter that interprets the scream for us.

Chix - 07 in 07 286,539 61
03/05/2007 04:02 PM

The neighborhood busy-body stopped by yesterday morning with a card and an envelope asking for donations. Apparently, another neighbor died. I didn't quite catch the name as the busy-body was born with no lower jaw. Now, I'm not laughing at the capper, I'm just saying that it's hard to understand her speak when she has a jawbone made from some cadaver.

I gave her five bucks, assuming she is buying flowers, signed the card, and then started keeping an eye on the neighbors houses till I see flowers being delivered so I know who died.

I hope it's not someone in my house.