The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,450 56
03/14/2007 04:52 AM

Cause for first masturbation?

Because it's there.

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 04:53 AM

Hate to break it to ya, but even if you use a massager instead of your hands, it's still masturbation.

Napkin 30,762 12
03/14/2007 04:54 AM

Forcing girls to jerk me off at gunpoint got a little dangerous, and then one day, I decided to try it out myself, and I realized that without the gun, it was almost as good as the girls.

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/14/2007 04:54 AM

Well, like just about everyone else.... climbing that rope in Jr. High PE.

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 04:55 AM

The first time I masturbated I was like, 3. I just sat at the top of the stairs and had at it.

DinoMcSplosion 1,743 8
03/14/2007 04:56 AM

Cause for first masturbation?

Running with Scissors 3,510 12
03/14/2007 04:56 AM

Dino, that would be a cause for castration.

Sarah - 8lbs down, but still with an ass of gold. 30,601 8
03/14/2007 05:16 AM

Cause?

Um, I was horny?

Combine Orgasm 197 7
03/14/2007 05:26 AM

Well in one hand I had a steak and the other a mango and it just went from there......

Artemis Goldfish 333 7
03/14/2007 05:30 AM

The Sex-Ed teacher said it was the best way to avoid getting AIDS.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 05:53 AM

One day I just realized that either my Coleridge or my arms had grown long enough to meet...
and instinct just took over from there.



It was a happy day for people I had been sharing a toilet with as well.

Declan McManus, two side dishes included 131,887 36
03/14/2007 06:15 AM

"God is going to get you for that, Dino."

MilkSoda 150 11
03/14/2007 06:51 AM

I fell on that grapefruit, I swear.

ObeseExplosive 3,430 7
03/14/2007 07:19 AM

Those fraggles were hot.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/14/2007 12:49 PM

Fap fap fap--23 skiddoo!

Snork 45,655 12
03/14/2007 02:15 PM

I was about 6 or 7, in the shower, when the water hit my pee-pee.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 02:25 PM

Standing in Spencers for about three hours staring at this poster, then riding my bike home amazed at my continued excitement, then sex with the one I loved.

No, not the cat.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/14/2007 02:50 PM

Chix, I think it was the upgrade that did it for me.

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 02:57 PM

Well, I didn't think anyone could ever replace Farah, but then Cheryl came along on her roller skates and bam.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/14/2007 02:59 PM

I love a girl with a divebombing career.

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
03/14/2007 03:04 PM

<a href='null'>I'm a little older than you guys.</a>

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 03:06 PM

Ellie May was smokin.

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
03/14/2007 03:12 PM

She was one of the first <a href='null'>playboy centerfolds</a>.

Unbelievably, a 1962 Playboy centerfold is now safe for work.

GAchick 312 6
03/14/2007 03:20 PM

Well, I don't remember my first time. But, when my son was 4 I came into the living room and he was laying on the couch in his Scooby Doo underroos with his hand down them. As I looked over he said, "It feels good when you rub it". That's just NOT something I want to hear from my 4 year old.

Dead Batteries in Jep's Vibe 2,533 9
03/14/2007 03:33 PM

Hay filled vagina?

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 03:35 PM

"It feels good when you rub it"



Everyone has to admit, that is just cute as hell !!

But when Grandpa does it... Ohh, it's a Frost-ing tragedy.

--Ray Romano

syncope 49,019 14
03/14/2007 03:36 PM

I just had my first one when I read GAChick's story.

GAchick 312 6
03/14/2007 03:47 PM

Even worse was seeing my 4 year old's Mr. Winkie at attention! UGH!

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 03:51 PM

I don't remember the age...I just remember playing with it and it just went off...put a hole in the door.



What? It's this the "First time you shot a gun" thread? NO? Aw Shakespeare.

syncope 49,019 14
03/14/2007 03:53 PM

This is like the third time you have used that joke.

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 03:59 PM

Um..no, I'm fairly certain this is the first time I've used this joke.....

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/14/2007 04:08 PM

Well, I don't remember my first time. But, when my son was 4 I came into the living room and he was laying on the couch in his Scooby Doo underroos with his hand down them. As I looked over he said, "It feels good when you rub it". That's just NOT something I want to hear from my 4 year old.


My friend's little brother discovered his penis around that age as well.

At one family gathering, he went up to his grandmother, pulled down his pants, hopped in her lap, grabbed her hand, and pulled it towards his crotch, exclaiming "Nanny, it feels good if you rub it this way!"




Maybe I should have posted this in the incest thread. . .

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 04:09 PM

Maybe I should have posted this in the incest thread. . .

Only if she complied with his request.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/14/2007 04:13 PM

I wasn't personally there, but the family does always sort of skim over what happened next. . .

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 04:15 PM

My first fantasy when I was like, 11. I like 'em older and manly!

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/14/2007 04:38 PM

It was a warm summer afternoon, I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when the most beautiful vision appeared. I felt a shiverrrr as I reached down, further down.

I was in love

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/14/2007 04:38 PM

He was my first fantasy and he was my second.

I've always been a nerd.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/14/2007 04:40 PM

It was her. She made me do all those filthy things to myself.




And I love her for it.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 04:44 PM

God, she'd be perfect if someone just knocked all those Frost-ing teeth out.

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 04:45 PM

I have never, ever had a cartoon crush.

Irish Undies has some Scottish in her every night 101,398 77
03/14/2007 04:46 PM

I was in love with this guy. I had two large posters on the wall of my room, and one on the ceiling. I would lay there at night and think about places I'd like him to whip me.

I used to own his movies both on DVD and on tape. Sadly, my ex stole them from me in the divorce. Just thinking about it now is making me stick to my seat.

I hate being poor.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 04:52 PM

Sadly, my ex stole them from me in the divorce.


You have kids!! How Frost-ing hard can it be to steal them back?

Just tell your daughter that you'll cut her a cemetery pass or something....

Irish Undies has some Scottish in her every night 101,398 77
03/14/2007 04:52 PM

SCB - I still masturbate to him. When I stop to think about it, I know that Beverly wouldn't like me because I'm so much older than him, so I try to imagine ways that she dies. Then I can do naughty naughty things with him.

Excuse me, but I have to leave now.

Irish Undies has some Scottish in her every night 101,398 77
03/14/2007 04:54 PM

Chit - I'm beginning to think that you don't love me.

A kinder, gentler Dave 52,827 16
03/14/2007 04:55 PM

He's 35. I think you're the younger one.

The High Priestess, first Gab, Then The WORLD! 58,948 29
03/14/2007 04:56 PM

I may or may not have been reading a V.C. Andrews book. That's when I relized there was feelings down there. After many unsuccesful attempts at 'self-manipulation' in the tub, one day in the mall with my friends we stopped in to Spencers. Since I was the only one who was 18 I had to buy 4. They paid me back later.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/14/2007 04:57 PM

He's 35. I think you're the younger one.

Wil Wheaton is 35. Wesley Crusher, however, won't be born for another 300 years or so exists only in the minds and hearts of devoted fans. He's whatever age we want him to be.

The High Priestess, first Gab, Then The WORLD! 58,948 29
03/14/2007 04:57 PM

Undies, I prefer the Han Solo Harrison Ford. Tight tight leather pants trying to fix the Millin-oh I need a minute

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/14/2007 04:58 PM

You know, now that I think about it, it might have been her fault.

And I love her for it.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 04:59 PM

Chit - I'm beginning to think that you don't love me.


I thought I was helping....*sob*

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 05:00 PM

I prefer the Indiana Jones Harrison Ford. If a man isn't covered in dirt and blood with torn clothing, he isn't a real man.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 05:01 PM

I love how Cracka wants us all to believe that he doesn't have pictures of any of these women in the nude.

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 05:05 PM

He just doen't like to share, Chit.

The High Priestess, first Gab, Then The WORLD! 58,948 29
03/14/2007 05:11 PM

If a man isn't covered in dirt and blood with torn clothing, he isn't a real man.

You are mistaken, Miss Taco, this is a man.<a href='http://'>this</a>

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/14/2007 05:12 PM

I'm pretty sure she was in on it too.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/14/2007 05:13 PM

I was looking through my "box-o-memories" and found a picture of my first sexual experience, does that count?

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 05:13 PM

HP, I'll be back to argue with you after I finish masturbating to Brock Sampson on Venture Brothers and Indiana Jones clips on YouTube.

The High Priestess, first Gab, Then The WORLD! 58,948 29
03/14/2007 05:17 PM

*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
WHAT? I CAN"T HEAR YOU OVER THE ummm, LAWNMOWER! Yea, lawnmower.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!*

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,200 34
03/14/2007 05:23 PM

I'm not a huge fan of her overall body (heh) of work, but this picture saw me through a lot of tough times.

And several dozen boxes of Kleenex. And six pairs of gym socks. And a pair of my wife's panty hose that she can never know about.



I'll be right back.

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 05:23 PM

You are mistaken, Miss Taco, this is a man.<a href='http://'>this</a>

Yeah, but a man who had to wear lifts in his shoes and be put on a revolving table for the dance scenes in "Gone With the Wind" because he couldn't dance and was several inches shorter than Vivian......OH MY GOD! I'm a MOVIE GEEK!

The High Priestess, first Gab, Then The WORLD! 58,948 29
03/14/2007 05:25 PM

NO! It's Blasphamy! Shut your flithy mouth Pumpkin!

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 05:25 PM

Fortune City Icon's get you off? You are truly strange.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/14/2007 05:27 PM

She inspired a few prepubescent spank fests as well.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/14/2007 05:29 PM

I had trouble with it at first. I tried shampoo bottles and such to no effect. Then, in the fifth grade, some other kid gave me the jack off sign as an insult and I learned I could use my hand. A fine day for me.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/14/2007 05:30 PM

She inspired a few prepubescent spank fests as well.

Yeah, she was pretty fine in E.T.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/14/2007 05:33 PM

I was thinking the Mrs. Butterworth commercials, but if you like older chics, that's cool with me.

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,200 34
03/14/2007 05:49 PM

Fortune City Icon's get you off? You are truly strange.

Oh, meh. It worked in preview; you just need better cookies, Punkin.

But since I'm done with her for a while feeling charitable, I made a copy for you.

Don't worry about the filename; I'm just joshing.

Probably.

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 05:56 PM

Holy crap Zolton. I think i pulled it to that very picture. Shakespeare she was/is hot. Squeeky little voice though. Cute in that Bud Lite commercial where she said it was the "official beer of Ireland.......CATHY Ireland"

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 06:00 PM

SPROING!

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 06:01 PM

Okay I'm back. What'd I miss?

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 06:02 PM

That was worth googling.

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 06:04 PM

45 minutes? Taco is one of THEM.


You need to get that down to 30 seconds to hang with this crowd.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 06:06 PM

Whoever spread the rumor that getting old really sucked, was wrong.

I never dreamed that when I got older, I'd be jacking off to "who I used to jack off to" and it would be every bit as good as it was when I was 15 years old.






At least from what I can still remember about being 15 years old.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/14/2007 06:07 PM

You need to get that down to 30 seconds to hang with this crowd.

30 seconds of pleasure, followed by forty minutes of crying? Seems like she'd coming back right on schedule.

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 06:10 PM

Nah, I had a cat nap afterwards.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 06:12 PM

Wow, she's really let herself go lately...



And what the Frost is necrosearch.org anyway ?

</creepy>

Rene of the Dead 1,810 11
03/14/2007 06:12 PM

My mom had a really Shakespearety washing machine that shook like crazy on the spin cycle. One day, I got the bright idea to sit on top of it to keep it from banging against the dryer. My allowance was raised shortly after for doing my own laundry on a regular basis.

Robin® 14,626 10
03/14/2007 06:47 PM

I was about 5. The 8 or 9 year old girl next door taught me how to masturbate as well as what one girl can do to another. After a while it got to the point that I couldn't go to bed with out getting off first.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/14/2007 06:53 PM

Robin's post makes me feel uncomfortable. And jealous. And aroused.

So uncomfojealoused.

Robin® 14,626 10
03/14/2007 06:56 PM

I cite that as the reason I like girls as much as I like guys.

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 06:56 PM

Robin turned from a 5 year old girl into a 16 year old boy?

Marjod 1,942 9
03/14/2007 06:59 PM

<shame>I was watching Speed Racer, and that toon-whore Trixie reached into my pants and stole my man-ginity.</shame>

Robin® 14,626 10
03/14/2007 07:01 PM

Robin turned from a 5 year old girl into a 16 year old boy?

Guys aren't the only ones who masturbate 5 times a day. We don't usually brag about it though.


hmmm.... maybe I was meant to be a lesbian.

Crackalicious 68,758 11
03/14/2007 07:02 PM

Guys aren't the only ones who masturbate 5 times a day


Sounds like somebodies not delivering the old tomahawk like he used to.

Shemullet 1,801 7
03/14/2007 07:03 PM

Cause?

Um, I was horny?


My cause? Sarah.

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 07:37 PM

Awesome, Crack.

Chix 286,539 61
03/14/2007 07:38 PM

Well, that could be taken a couple of ways.

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 07:44 PM

All depends on where you put the comma, Chix.

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,200 34
03/14/2007 07:47 PM

Or in this case, the colon.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 08:10 PM

Or the tomahawk.







(Frost the three time rule)

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
03/14/2007 09:19 PM

When I first discovered Masturbation I was about 12 (yeah, late starter) and It was the best afternoon. Ever.

I wanked so hard and so much I got blisters on my vajayjay. True.

Pumpkin Noggin-taglineless for now. 56,642 8
03/14/2007 09:47 PM

<action> resist the temptation to post "Prove it!"</action>

DAMN my libido!

Captain Skippy, socialretard 286,539 61
03/14/2007 09:58 PM

This pretty much did it for me.

Lupience- St. Urho's Day Ovulator 26,981 11
03/14/2007 10:49 PM

I don't understand what you people are talking about.

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 10:50 PM

Rouging up the clam? Polishing the pearl? Finding Nemo? Ya yaing the sisterhood?

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,200 34
03/14/2007 10:53 PM

Deep 'C' diving? Snorkeling for tuna? Cheesing up the taco? Being John Malcovich?

Beans McDiddler 68,758 11
03/14/2007 10:53 PM

Diddling the bean.

MAX POWERS 68,758 11
03/14/2007 10:55 PM

I first masturbated at a monster truck rally.

300 Spartans and a Taco 61,976 36
03/14/2007 11:01 PM

Marching the penguin. Saying yoo hoo to the hoo hoo.

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,200 34
03/14/2007 11:02 PM

Throwing coins in the fountain. Doing some junking spelunking.

Chit 178,781 15
03/14/2007 11:03 PM

I remember my dad's therapeutic massager from Sharper Image, the two balls would rapidly vibrate. I would sneak off up to my room and use it on my Coleridge. You could hear the buzzing for about a half an hour.

Jeeze...if I used a therapeutic massager that made a buzzing sound every time that I beat off when I was 15 years old, my parents would have thought I was keeping Frost-ing bees in my room and wanted some of the honey.

Skepsis 47 6
03/14/2007 11:49 PM

I really dont have a cause.

I was cleaning it and it just went off.

i have wasted time everyday since.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/15/2007 02:41 AM

Like it owed me money? More like it spat out bacon.

Lupience- St. Urho's Day Ovulator 26,981 11
03/15/2007 03:05 AM

I still don't get it.

Loopy. Just Loopy. 6,902 12
03/15/2007 04:09 AM

I started dry humping my bed when I was pretty young.

BBM: Twisted Sister 6,369 10
03/15/2007 05:26 AM

I always touched myself as a kid. I remember being repeatedly told by my mother to get my hands out of my underwear.
I think the first time I really got off was when I was about 7 or 8. It was in bed late at night, and I remember crying after wards because I didn't know what happened. Then I did it again.
I did it every night before sleep, and still do, but I remember crying the night before I went to camp for the first time because I wouldn't be able to "do my ritual" for 2 whole weeks.

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/15/2007 05:30 AM

<action>has never been so turned on</action>

Mister RookWood 5,469 7
03/15/2007 05:32 AM

hey, what's masturbating?

Combine Orgasm 197 7
03/15/2007 05:58 AM

Robin

How YOU Doin'?