BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/21/2007 08:58 PM

What did one ear of corn say to the other ear of corn?

Are you stalking me?

MAX POWERS 68,758 11
03/21/2007 08:59 PM

Why did the old man put condoms on his ears?

So he wouldn't get hearing aids.

Rook... Blurred vision, no balance, numb tongue. 5,469 7
03/21/2007 09:07 PM

A guy walks into a corner bar in Reno, sits down and looks at the snack menue.

Cheese sandwich - $2
Ham and cheese sandwich - $4
Handjobs - $10

A little taken back, he signals to one of the gorgeous servers who bounces over and she asks him, "what can I do for you sugar?"

Sheepishly he asks her "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

with a grin she says "yeah, why?"

He leans over to her and says,
"go wash your Frost-ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Muju 39 6
03/21/2007 09:12 PM

One rainy, windy night, not unlike tonight, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetary.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him.
He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!

The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the coffin and it continued after him.

The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!

The man jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin exploded through the door.

In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/21/2007 09:13 PM

Do you know mojo-jojo?

Grow some Eggs ya rat bastid! 171,275 14
03/21/2007 09:15 PM

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife pondered it for a few moments, then said, "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."

anhishere filed for moral bankruptcy 11,158 14
03/21/2007 09:19 PM

One day Mike askes his english teacher how to put an elephant in a Safeway bag. The teacher says she doesn't know, so Mike replies, "You take the S out of 'Safe' and the F out of 'way'."

Ever the grammar Nazi, Mike's teacher yells out, "There's no F in way!"

Declan McManus, two side dishes included 131,887 36
03/21/2007 09:22 PM

Q. How do you make seven even?


A. Drop the "s"!

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/21/2007 09:31 PM

Suzie had a really harsh teacher in elementary school. One day, she raised her hand, desperate to go to the bathroom.

"Sorry Suzie," replied her teacher, "Not until you recite the alphabet for me."

Quickly, because she really had to go, Suzie began to recite: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRS-"

"Wait a minute!" the teacher stopped her, "Where's the P?"

"Running down my leg!"

Sarah Bunny. 30,601 8
03/21/2007 09:55 PM

What can a 2,000 pound gorilla do?

Anything he wants to!

Pumpkin Noggin Cotton Tail 56,642 8
03/21/2007 11:22 PM

I little old man gets off the plane in a big city and leaving the airport he sees a hooker.

He ambles over to her and says "I would LOVE to get a little Poe!"
She looks at him and responds "So would I, mines as big as your hat."

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/21/2007 11:27 PM

What do you get when you cross a black guy and a Samoan?

Samo' Niggas'

RookWood in the depths of an ether binge 5,469 7
03/22/2007 01:18 AM

Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?

Snork 45,655 12
03/22/2007 01:30 AM

-Daddy, did you want a boy or a girl?
-I wanted sex.

Humphrey! 51,764 12
03/22/2007 01:38 AM

A rope walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Are you a rope?" asks the barman. "Yep." Says the rope. "Sorry. No ropes allowed" says the barman pointing at the no rope sign.

So the rope heads outside, ties himself into a half hitch, unwinds one end, and heads back into the bar.

"Are you a rope?" asks the barman. "Nope. A frayed knot." Says the rope.

TheFoye 55,700 16
03/22/2007 01:39 AM

I never understood why the bar didn't serve ropes, it's a public place, sounds like racism to me.

xenophobe 72 10
03/22/2007 01:42 AM

What's orange and black and sits at the top of the stairs?



Christopher Reeves in a house fire.

Sy (just Sy) 6,547 10
03/22/2007 01:43 AM

<action>sorry it's a yo mamma joke, but it's a goodern</action>

Your Momma is so fat, when she puts on her BVDs, it spells 'boulevard'!

Dyce 916 8
03/22/2007 01:45 AM

Damn dirty ropes don't deserve to be served. They should go back to where they came from!

Sy (just Sy) 6,547 10
03/22/2007 01:45 AM

<action>now, one from Mom (Moms Mabley, that is)</action>

reporter: "Moms, what's it like being married to a 97 yr old man?"

Moms Mabley: "It's like tryin' to push a car uphill...











with a rope!"

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/22/2007 01:46 AM

Why does a farmer look out of his window in the morning?






Because he can't see through the wall.

Humphrey! 51,764 12
03/22/2007 01:51 AM

Monday morning and the teacher is asking her kids about their weekend.

Little Johnny's hand shoots up. "Oooh me, Miss. Ask me!"

"OK Johnny. What did you do on the weekend?"

"Me and Billy went down to the pond catchin' frogs. Then we shoved firecrackers in their bums. Miss."

"Rectum Johnny. Rectum!" corrects the teacher.

"Wreck'd em? Frostin' blew em to bits, Miss."

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/22/2007 01:52 AM

Two cows were in a field. One cow says, "Mooooo." The other says, "Jerk. I was going to say that

Humphrey! 51,764 12
03/22/2007 01:55 AM

A 90-year-old man and an 88-year-old woman are undressing on their wedding night, and seeing each other naked for the first time.

The woman says to the man "I should warn you that I have acute angina".

To which the old man replies "I certainly hope so, 'cause you've got Frost-ing horrible tits."

Jihad Joe- The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
03/22/2007 02:04 AM

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?


Roberto

Shemullet 1,801 7
03/22/2007 03:45 AM

Q. What do you call two dead men hanging on your wall?

A. Kurt-and-Rod.

Jade - Walkin' the Dinosaur 14,453 11
03/22/2007 03:58 AM

Q: What noise does a shotgun make in Seattle?

A: Coblaing! Coblaing!

xenophobe 72 10
03/22/2007 05:52 AM

An American, a Scotsman, and an Irishman each order a beer, only to find a fly in it.

The American causes a fuss and demands a fresh beer.

The Scotsman shrugs, picks the fly out, and drinks.

The Irishman grabs the fly by its wings, holds it over his glass, and shouts SPIT IT OUT, YA FrostER!

Sarah Bunny. 30,601 8
03/22/2007 05:55 AM

A blond, a brunette and a redhead are all pregnant and having lunch together.

The brunette says, "I'm having a girl because I had sex on top!"

The redhead replies, "Well, I'm having a boy because I had sex on the bottom."

The blond bursts into tears and sobs hysterically.
The girls ask her whats wrongs and she says

"I'm having a puppy!"

Pumpkin Noggin Cotton Tail 56,642 8
03/22/2007 01:09 PM

Four Southern woman are sitting on the porch of ones house talking about the wonderful gifts there husbands had given them as of late.
The first says "My husband is so sweet, he gave me a floor length fur coat for my Birthday"
the others all say "Maaaah, how nice" in unison.
The second says "For our anniversary my husband gave me a trip to the Bahamas"
The others all say "Maaah, how nice" in unison.
The third says "Well, My husband bought me a brand new Rolls Royce for Christmas"
The others all say "Maaah, how nice" in unison.
There is a long pause in the conversation, after which the first three look at the fourth.
The fourth finally says "My husband gave me eloqution lessons for a gift"
The others all stare in disbelief. The first finally takes pitty on the fourth and says "Oh, Dahlin' I'm so sorry"
The fourth says "No, don't be sorry, it was a nice gift, aftah all it taught me to say 'Maaah, how nice!' instead of "Frost you, Bitch!"

Grow some Eggs ya rat bastid! 171,275 14
03/23/2007 03:57 PM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from HOB and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Coleridgeeyed. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was
a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Zug. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/23/2007 04:09 PM

What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the bridge?

Nothing, she had on mittens.

Pumpkin Noggin Cotton Tail 56,642 8
03/23/2007 04:16 PM

How did Helen Keller drive?

One hand on the wheel, the other on the road.

BlaiseMilla 67,037 13
03/23/2007 04:17 PM

What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

Moist.Pork. 5,469 7
03/23/2007 05:51 PM

Bono, the self-righteous lead singer of the band U2 was playing a U2 concert in Glasgow , when he asked the audience for total quiet. In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said solemnly into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierced the silence . "Well, fookin stop doin it then!"

Smokatronic 2,388 9
03/23/2007 08:19 PM

A Mexican, a black guy, (say Frostin Ogden Nash) and a white guy find a lamp on the beach. They each grab at the same time and a genie appears and agrees to grant each a wish.

The black gu-, Ogden Nashesays: "I wish for me and all of my people to be happy and live in our native land of Africa." The genie grants his wish and poof! All the Ogden Nashes vanish and live in Africa.

The Mexican says: "I wish for me and all my people to be happy and live in our native land of Mexico." Poof! All the Mexicans vanish and live in Mexico.

The genie looks to the white guy who says: "Well, I think I'll have a Coke."

-Boondock Saints

Sin 683 7
03/23/2007 09:14 PM

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an Emerson," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/23/2007 09:36 PM

Did you hear the one about the exhibitionist who was thinking of quitting?

In the end, he decided to stick it out for a bit longer.