Uncle Jim's Funeral

Uncle Jim's Funeral
A comedy conversation by Running with Scissors

3,510

12
04/25/2007 04:31 AM 361 views

This past week my wife's Uncle Jim passed away. Everyone liked Uncle Jim, he was a swell guy. He wore a patch over his left eye and always reminded me of a pirate; he had lost his eye some 20 odd years ago in a fire cracker accident....a errantly thrown Black Cat did the damage.

Uncle Jim has two fat daughters who live in Kentucky. They had not spoken to their Dad in nearly 10 years because of some family squabble. Most of the family considers his daughters worthless trailer trash. They showed up at the funeral however and made quite a scene wailing and carrying on in their cheap, ill-fitting dresses while sitting on the front row no less. They really pissed off my mother-in-law by thanking everyone for coming to the funeral.

Uncle Jim was cremated and his box of ashes and a photograph sat at the altar of the tiny Baptist Church where the funeral was held.

Fishing was Uncle Jim's passion. As such, it was decided by the family to spread his ashes at his favorite fishing spot along a portion the Intra-coastal canal which is surrounded by salt-water marshes and plenty of fish.

After a bumpy ride over some dirt roads and through a cow and goat pasture we arrived at a large sand bar along side the water where the funeral ceremony continued. After a few brief words from the preacher it was time to commit Uncle Jim's ashes to the water. His daughters had brought along a boom box and an Eagles greatest hits CD. They punched in Desperado, cranked the volume all the way up and along with dear Aunt Phyllis headed out in the water.

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Hilarious 14 votes 4.6 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652378

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8 Comments on "
Uncle Jim's Funeral
"
(Funniest: Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties,Running with Scissors,Chit)

Hilarious 16 votes 4.8 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652379

Running with Scissors

3,510

12
04/25/2007 04:32 AM

It is important to realize that this particular Intra-coastal canal receives a lot of traffic from extremely large oil tankers and barges. The center of the canal is dredged very deeply to handle the large ships passing through while the sides of the canals are relatively shallow, maybe 3 to 4 feet. It was in this shallow area where Uncle Jim's ashes were to be interred to the water.

About the time Uncle Jim's ashes were blowing in the wind, a large oil tanker came barreling through. If you have ever seen an oil tanker up close you realize how mammoth these ships are. They displace huge volumes of water and when they pass through the canal they will invariably suck in the shallow waters very rapidly before their wake dispels the water just as quickly back into the shallows. If you are in knee-deep water you might be able to keep your feet; if you are any deeper, such as Uncle Jim's daughters and Aunt Phyllis were it is very likely you will be going down.

I don't think anyone on the ship noticed or cared as the waves sucked Uncle Jim's daughters, Aunt Phyllis and indeed Uncle Jim head over heels. Summoned by the majesty of the Eagles Desperado still blaring in the distance after been rewound and played again, all three were able to regain their feet, raise their hands in glory before the back wash slammed them back down.

Rest in Peace Uncle Jim.

	Hilarious 5 votes 4.4 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652380 Anh the Epicurean 11,158 14 04/25/2007 04:35 AM <action>starts a slow clap</action>

	Hilarious 7 votes 4.7 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652381 Srrrh - Thats My Ghetto Name! 30,601 8 04/25/2007 04:36 AM Uncle Jim did that on purpose. Awesome.

	Hilarious 1 votes 4.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652383 Phlanx (Not Phla) 1,919 8 04/25/2007 04:37 AM So when does the poop come into play?

	Hilarious 5 votes 4.8 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652384 Chit 178,781 15 04/25/2007 04:39 AM Thanks for the laugh Uncle Jim. I'll leave the clickies with your nephew, ok?

	Hilarious 3 votes 4.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652387 Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32 04/25/2007 05:04 AM Happy Birthday, Uncle Jim.

	Amusing 1 votes 1.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1652392 The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17 04/25/2007 05:30 AM Sorry you're gone, Jim, but what a great final gag!