TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 02:58 PM

I have daydreams of pulling my gun out and just shooting everybody I see at school, but before I do this I would video tape myself telling everyone that they could have prevented this.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 03:01 PM

I also daydream of Frost-ing 3 fat chicks at the same time.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
05/04/2007 03:31 PM

I have never done anything crazy. Stupid or desperate, yes. Crazy, no.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
05/04/2007 03:32 PM

Hi Foye!

Max Powers 68,758 11
05/04/2007 03:34 PM

Sometimes, if the weather is cold outside, right before I go to sleep I imagine I'm in some kind of arctic survival scenario. I pretend like I am stranded out in the snow, and I have made some sort of shelter that I have to somehow make it through the night in. The Mickey Mouse blanket hasn't failed me yet.

Nachos Mengele 57,521 23
05/04/2007 03:35 PM

Funniest entry (as judged by ZUG readers and an independent panel of ZUG judges)

Funniest in this case being defined as whichever entry has the cheapest shipping.

Phuc 237,919 21
05/04/2007 03:36 PM

I gave Lila my phone number.

Max Powers 68,758 11
05/04/2007 03:37 PM

Funniest entry (as judged by ZUG readers and an independent panel of ZUG judges)

So, which one of his groupies do you think Phuc will give the shirt to? My money says he keeps it for himself.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 03:37 PM

Hi Undies!

AusRhys 0 0
05/04/2007 03:46 PM

At work, I have a dance made up for every possible situation, from "I'd tap that chick" right through to "Aaargh, My arm is on fire!"

I should sell DVD's of these, I could make millions

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/04/2007 03:56 PM

I sit in a small office, with the lights out, and the shades drawn.

The only light is from my PC.

When someone comes into my office to request something, I quickly type something on the PC (usually nonsense words in Excel), Laugh manically, and slowly turn around to face the person (my chair is set up so my back is to the door).

When they start to talk, I put on my sunglasses (dark mirrored ones) and smile like Charles Manson on crack.

I've now gotten to the point that all I have to do is walk past someone's cube for them to get nervous.

Crypto- proudly not funny 800 7
05/04/2007 04:11 PM

I sometimes day dream of being able to freeze time, so if a hot girl walked by i could just freeze time and have go squeeze her boobs or somthing. Same goes for all the hot girls in my office

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 05:15 PM

It's kinda scary some of the thoughts that go through my head, I won't even post them for the fear of someone calling the military to have me committed.

I will say that it usually involves killing or raping. Sometimes both, at the same time. So Iraq might be the best place for me to be right now.






Don't tell anyone or I will have to kill you.

Colonel Sanchez 29 6
05/04/2007 05:19 PM

I ofthen think of tearing off all of my clothes and jumping out of the window in my first story chemistry class when I dont know what to do on a test.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/04/2007 05:24 PM

I eat glass and slap old people for fun.

Also, when there is a spot or a speck in my line of sight on my windshield, I pretend it is a laser cutting through everything in it's path as I drive, visualising power transformers exploding, trees falling and cars being cut in half.

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/04/2007 05:26 PM

I eat glass and slap old people for fun

So does T4, big deal.





Guess being myself doesn't count as "Crazy" these days, huh?

Declan McManus, Medicated for Your Protection 131,887 36
05/04/2007 05:28 PM

Amateurs.




Except, maybe, for Foye!

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
05/04/2007 05:38 PM

Often when I'm a passenger in a vehicle on the highway, I pretend I'm playing Super Mario World. Mario is running beside us, just off the highway.

To do this, I imagine I'm holding an SNES controller and I'm continuously holding the relevant direction button and the Y button (to make Mario run beside us). Whenever a telephone pole passes by, I must press B to have Mario jump over it. When there is a fence next to the road, I can optionally press B to jump on or off the fence.

I usually keep my hands in my lap, so none of the other passengers notice I'm doing it. But it's still pretty crazy. Purple monkey dishwasher.

Declan McManus, Medicated for Your Protection 131,887 36
05/04/2007 05:39 PM

Purple monkey dishwasher


Would that be a GE or a KitchenAid?

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 05:42 PM

I usually keep my hands in my lap, so none of the other passengers notice I'm doing it.

Says I when I am masturbating in the car.





They still tend to notice, just pretend not to for fear of me losing control of my penis.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
05/04/2007 05:46 PM

Whenever I visit a site like zug.com at work, I glance at my ceiling, since I know the tiles lift out easily and somebody in an adjoining office could be observing me.

This is insane because if someone were actually poking their head through the tiles to spy on me... well, they'd be the most insane person in the world and I therefore wouldn't have to worry about their testimony against me. So, um, either I'm the most insane person in the world, or the guy next to me is. Just give me a shirt. We'll split it.

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/04/2007 05:48 PM

I play secret agent with myself all day. When I'm driving I always have to evade and get past the other cars because they might be trying to kill me. And someone's always watching me, so I have to do every day menial tasks like eat and masturbate all stealthy like.

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/04/2007 05:51 PM

They still tend to notice, just pretend not to for fear of me losing control of my penis.

'Cause they're too busy fearing if your gonna lose control of the vehicle!

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
05/04/2007 05:52 PM

<action>realizes that no one likes the mundane ones</action>
When I'm slaughtering a large group of people, I always include the precise number of minorities required by Affirmative Action laws. I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 05:54 PM

'Cause they're too busy fearing if your gonna lose control of the vehicle!

My penis is a vehicle? I better get plates for it then.

Declan McManus, Medicated for Your Protection 131,887 36
05/04/2007 05:57 PM

If your penis is a vehicle, Foye, it would be an armoured s-t-r-e-t-c-h Humvee.

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/04/2007 05:57 PM

Well, maybe I've not seen it (and no I don't want to...)

Pram- shaken, not Lila 80,728 42
05/04/2007 06:16 PM

Every day, after masturbating, I rub sandpaper on my finger prints in case the cops suspect it was me.

I am currently working on the largest ball of dog Shakespeare in the world. It's not just made of dog Shakespeare, either. Someone donated their glasses, and a couple of punk kids took their boots off and jumped into it until they stuck.

When I grow up, I am going to be the first person to swim to the moon wearing spiders!

Colonel Sanchez 29 6
05/04/2007 06:17 PM

I always just end up avoiding the russian sniper who is stalking me

Closet Friend #1004 7,665 11
05/04/2007 06:50 PM

Without a working radio, the relatively quiet morning and evening commutes have allowed my mind time to devise myriad and wonderful Inspector-Gadget-like contraptions to attach to my car to indelibly mark or otherwise inflict damage upon those Lane-Changing Boobs that believe the Turn Signal gives them SOVEREIGN RIGHT over EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD!  </The Bird></both hands>  ARRRGH!!!  Shakespeare-FOR-BRAINS!!!  </HONK></HONNNK>

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
05/04/2007 07:05 PM

All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something
All work and no play make Nutbutter something something

Just Plain Straw 98,000 37
05/04/2007 07:21 PM

I used to imagine fanciful scenarios such as the ones mentioned above. But the soul-crushing banality of my life consumed whatever creativity once existed.

Marjod 1,942 9
05/04/2007 07:24 PM

When I am in bed, ineffectually attempting to sleep, I will occasionally hear a noise. When I hear a noise, I always think it's a burglar.

During this scenario, I imagine grabbing my Easton softball bat that I keep 'neath the bed, egress from my room and find the burglar. (This burglar never has a gun, mind you). When I find the burglar, I swing away at his cranium.

And then I think, if this prick lives and gets out of jail, he will come after me. I can't have that happen now could I? I then imagine that I beat the burglar to death with my Easton.

Then I imagine that the cops are going to want to know why I beat the burglar to death instead of just knocking him out. So I then try to think of a way to justify killing the burglar.

It's at this point when I usually fall asleep.

Those of you who suffer from insomnia should try this technique.

TempusFugit 5,772 10
05/04/2007 07:29 PM

I think Skippy is funny. And I let Pumpkins spell check all my papers.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 07:34 PM

I just took a Shakespeare in a 100 degree porta pottie, risking a blue splash and so hot I now have little sweaty balls of toilet paper in my ass crack, instead of walking 500 more yards to the airconditioned trailer with toilets, why, because I'm lazy crazy.

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
05/04/2007 07:37 PM

I am a bit psychotic, as my mental work-related frivoloties involve me torturing my colleagues.

Like fantasising about slamming their hands in the photocopier or locking them in the stationery cupboard all weekend so they poo themselves.

But the funniest thing is going into a trance-like state imagining them writhing in agony as you pour boiling water from the kettle over their head, and then suddenly snap back to reality to find they're stood in front of you offering you candy or free food...

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/04/2007 07:42 PM

I shaved my pubes with my wood carving set.

Generalissimo Francisco Franco 173,958 15
05/04/2007 08:11 PM

This contest is rigged. How do I know? Because I haven't seen Mookie's name in this thread.

FortKnox 97 6
05/04/2007 08:57 PM

What about the 'urinal game'? Everytime you go to the bathroom and there are urinals without dividers, I always make sure I'm far enough away from anyone there not to be to gay... but not too far to be too homophobic...

Max Powers 68,758 11
05/04/2007 09:01 PM

That's funny, I heard you just get on your knees in front of them and wait with your mouth open.

FortKnox 97 6
05/04/2007 09:07 PM

Speaking of urinals... I've always wanted to start a business making urinal cakes. I want to start an EMPIRE in the urinal cake industry. I want to buy all the urinal cake companies and bring them into my own. The government wouldn't come after me because of my monopoly, because, well, what do you think the news outlets would do? No one wants to talk about urinal cakes. I'd be PROUD of my achievements. I'd let my daughter go out with the likes of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, and Lindsay Lohan. The media, again, would leave her alone:
"Paris is a part of another controversy... And look! There is the heiress to the urinal cake fortune with her!"
I want to be a part of every aspect of the business. I'd advertise and market my urinal cakes:
"Ever walk up to a urinal and the smell of urine is so great due to lack of flushing? Not anymore! FK's urinal cakes can make any public restroom go from "hobo's ass" to "garden fresh". Try our new organic urinal cake for herbal garden smell!"

And after I pass away, I'd be so known for my urinal cake obsession, that the Catholic Church would saint me (my three miracles being the divine ability to make random public restrooms smell fresh after I have died), and I will become the Patron Saint of Urinals, Urinal Cakes, and Public Restrooms.

I think of this everytime I hit the can at work. Talk about meglomania!

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/04/2007 09:09 PM

I am genuinely sexually attracted to overweight, balding, older men.


Crazy, or everyone on the internet's dream come true? I'll leave that up to you.

Max Powers 68,758 11
05/04/2007 09:10 PM

Ollie's not that old.

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/04/2007 09:11 PM

I am genuinely sexually attracted to overweight, balding, older men.

How YOU doin?


Well, I have to say I vote for Nutters cause he broke the Bold in this thread.

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
05/04/2007 09:14 PM

65 million dollar pants.


That guy gets my vote.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/04/2007 09:20 PM

I have long and meaningful conversations with my dog, Oobie-Doo-Scooby-Doo-Banubie. He has great wisdom and is always understanding and supportive. Sometimes his breath smells like kitty-litter, but I can't stop myself from breathing it in. I treasure these times with my dog late at night after my family sleeps. He says I shouldn't tell anyone about our talks because people might make fun of me, but I told him GABbers don't make fun of people.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/04/2007 09:21 PM

When I'm alone, I imagine that I have all of the powers of the X-men combined, and I always describe how I can use them in real life to my sidekick whom is powerless. I ussually do this to pass the time while I'm on the toilet, but sometimes when my girlfriend is at work, I hold great action fight scenes (totally not staged) in the living room. When I broke my big toe because I missed Sabertooth, and kicked the couch, I lied to her, and told her that I stubbed it on the kitchen table. I even cut myself a little bit, and smeared the blood on the bottom of the table leg to make it seem more believable.

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/04/2007 09:26 PM

I like to crawl around and pretend I'm an animal, sometimes when I'm not even drunk.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/04/2007 09:33 PM

I like to run around with my arms out pretending I'm an airplane! Usually when I'm sober! We'd get along great!

Closet Friend #1004 7,665 11
05/04/2007 10:26 PM

Well, I have to say I vote for Nutters cause he broke the Bold in this thread.

For what it's worth, although my preview showed everything to be fine, it was my post that boldly jacked the thread.  I was in the midst of typing a fixer when Phuc or some other superior ZUG VIP corrected the problem at the source.  I wholehearted apologize for my part in this fiasco, and please don't tell Straw that I think I now know how to do it at will...

TheFoye! 101,398 77
05/04/2007 10:32 PM

The craziest thing I've ever done?

Aussie Sarah

Jihad Joe: The Real Arabian Hero 6,067 8
05/04/2007 10:34 PM

I gave BobJohnson the virus and the antidote. He will control the world soon.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/04/2007 10:41 PM

I am some retarded boy's imaginary friend.

Closet Friend #1004 7,665 11
05/04/2007 10:44 PM

Honest, when I'm logged in, it's fine. When I'm logged out, it's bold. A swearbot issue? Or some sort of Dorian Grey GAB mindwarp? Can you people see it??? Please tell me that you see it!!!

Pram- shaken, not Lila 80,728 42
05/04/2007 11:03 PM

THIS PLACE HAS BIG BUILDINGS! I LIKE FOOD, BYE!

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/04/2007 11:07 PM

Thanks Undies.

Bieze 1,382 7
05/05/2007 12:27 AM

I have a butter fetish. Sometimes I sit in class and simply think...wouldn't it rock to Frost a big chunk of butter right now?

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/05/2007 02:32 AM

Her body's pretty hot, butter fetish was just too weird.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
05/05/2007 02:40 AM

I married a woman I met through a comedy website.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
05/05/2007 02:45 AM

When I was a teenager, my friend Eric dared me to lick a toad, because we heard it could get a person high. Now, I had never, ever used drugs (and still haven't), so I'm not sure why I attempted it.

For the record, I did not get high. All I got was my hand peed on, and a mouth full of mud.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/05/2007 02:46 AM

"Yo, you wanna vote for this guy?"
"Yea, He's pretty nuts!"
"Damn Straight, he's got my vote."
"Mine too."

^Conversation I just had with my sidekick. He's black. He thinks his vote counts. Bwahahahahahaha!

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/05/2007 02:47 AM

For the record, I did not get high. All I got was my hand peed on, and a mouth full of mud.

Same thing happens if you follow the girl with the penis at a night club into the bathroom/ alley.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
05/05/2007 03:06 AM

As far as crazy routines...every night when I get up to pee I RUN through the house and usually end up hurting myself trying to avoid looking out the windows. That's because the aliens are out there, and if I look at them, they'll grab me. Sometimes I wake up Spicey and make him go with me, and other times I'll get scared while sitting on the toilet, and I'll just stay there until he comes and rescues me. Once, he didn't come, so I called him on his cell phone to wake him up so he could save me.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/05/2007 03:27 AM

I know what I'm doing for Halloween.

Zorbitan 32 6
05/05/2007 04:10 AM

Here are a few things I do...there are others but I think it best not to divulge everything.

1) In any public place that has several people in a specific place. Places like fast food eating areas, subway cars, waiting rooms, etc. I take the collection of people and say "OK this is all the people left on earth. Start pairing up to repopulate the planet."
I pick out the people with whom I would arrange to hook up with and wonder how long I could get free booty before they realized that I have had a vasectomy.

2) While waiting in line at anyplace I think about what would happen if I jumped up on the table/conveyor belt/whatever and kicked in the teeth of that frail old lady over there. JUST to find out exactly what would be said to me before the police showed up.

3) In a packed place like a mall, I imagine having a blaster or lightsaber (no I'm actually not a Star Wars nut) and going to town on the masses. Heads flying this way and that, pools of burnt goo oozing from screaming consumers. I tend to do this around Christmas time or any other particularly crowded shopping day. I hate shopping I guess.

4) To pass the time when I was working as a temp, I imagined bringing an Uzi to work and having at the place until I was holed up in a certain area. Not any old area, mind you, I had this well thought out as to escape/entrance areas, etc. So I kill all the guys and line the ladies up and select out a few to...well poo, this is pretty sick actually. I would never ever really seriously consider doing this, but it did cross my mind about 50 billion times at mindless jobs.

BirdBird 27 6
05/05/2007 04:30 AM

Often, when sitting in stuffy business meetings, I try to imagine the reactions of my colleagues or customers if I were to jump up onto the conference room table, drop my pants, and take a huge, stinky Shakespeare right there on the middle of the table. It would have a great effect if my bowels were somewhat loose, so that there might be some splatter and splash as thingShakespeare the table. Just to top it off, I'd grab a copy of whatever agenda we were reviewing, wipe, crumple it up, and throw it at the person with the most offended look on his face. I think about this often, and people in the meetings I attend frequently ask me why I have this wry little smile on my face. I just tell them that my mind wandered, and I went to a peaceful, special place.

BBM: Twisted Sister 6,369 10
05/05/2007 04:36 AM

I put this in teh wrong place.. so now I edited it and added on.

I always pretend there are people watching me. Even when I am alone and there is no one else around, I am constantly posing and trying to give my personal paparazzi a good shot.

I never close my curtains, and my room is at the front of my house, facing the street, and if I hear drunks coming down my street late at night, I purposely stand in front of the window and look like I am about to do something interesting or sexy. I secretly hope I have a legion of stalkers tracing my every move and thinking about how interesting I am.

Sometimes my cat will look at me like he just heard what I was thinking, and I always make sure to think back at him that if he didn't want to hear how dirty my mind is, he should stay teh Frost out of it.

When I was younger, I used to think that my parents could transform into my pets to spy on me.

I am constantly counting in my head. I usually don't even notice that I have started counting, but then suddenly realize I am on a random number, like 437. I usually only make it to 500 and then start again.

BBM: Twisted Sister 6,369 10
05/05/2007 04:37 AM

I imagine having sex everywhere. I am always looking at people and imagining what they would look like naked, and what I want to do to them. In class I often giggle to myself of the thought of class going on normally while I loudly have sex with someone in the front of the room.

Like many other people, I imagine killing stupid people. Especially people who take up too much room in small spaces and who walk too slowly. Usually with a nice roundhouse kick to their face and then bringing my heel down on their nose so that it goes into their brain.

Like Undies, hallways and bathrooms at night scare me. This is maily because when I was 4, I watched a movie about a monster that lived in the vent above the toilet, and while you were doing your business, they would pull you up through the vent, eat you and then wear your skin so that people still thought you were alive. After I pee I go running down the hall to my room, and if I don't get there before a certain noise the toilet makes while flushing, I lock my door behind me and sleep with my one light on, and the window open for escape, even in teh winter.

My house has a covered hole in teh ceiling of the hallway just in front of my bedroom that leads to our attic. I hear things moving up there at night, right above my head. I sleep with a big knife under my pillow, and always sleep on my back so that I could go straight into fight mode should the need arise.

I am a little paranoid.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/05/2007 04:40 AM

The "H" goes before the "E" in "the".

Rene of the Dead 1,810 11
05/05/2007 04:52 AM

On the rare occassion that I go to church, I find myself looking at the pastor, his timid wife and their 3 kids. I start wondering what "devout Christian" sex might be like. I start daydreaming about all the kinky stuff they probably do. Then I get scared for my soul and starting humming a hymn in my head. Then the hymn turns into a sort of porno beat and it's back to the freaky preacher sex.

Bean 8,602 19
05/05/2007 04:58 AM

<action>makes a mental note to NEVER invite Bieze for dinner</action>
I have a butter fetish. Sometimes I sit in class and simply think...wouldn't it rock to Frost a big chunk of butter right now?

When I am a passenger in the car I like to imagine that there are very long poles (or knives) attached to the outside of my small toes on both sides. These poles are long enough to reach both sides of whatever road I am traveling. Depending on my mood, I can either lift the poles over telephone poles by raising my small toe, cut the poles down by using the knife and lowering my small toe, cut out the driveways for each business/home, or jump over said driveways.

I randomly have conversations with real people who aren't anywhere in a 10 mile radius of me, usually when I'm pissed off at them or apologising/explaining something to them. I'll rephrase the whole conversation many many times in my attempts to yell at them or plead with them, whatever the case may be.

I also randomly "type" things with my toes while riding in the car or sitting somewhere bored. I try my best to get each individual toe working independently of my other toes, and will usually re-type one word over and over until I feel I've mastered it, or I find a new word to type. Sometimes I find that my toes are typing something without me realizing it was happening, so I spend several minutes trying to figure out what they're typing. Put that one in your pipe and smoke it.

snausages.

Victor Kushmann 334 6
05/05/2007 04:59 AM

TRUE CONFESSIONS, PART 1

There's a fat, annoying security guard who patrols the building where I work. She always looks pissed off, and she moves very slowly. Sometimes when I see her in the hallway, I fantasize about sneaking up behind her, pulling the pistol out of her holster, shooting her in the head, and then placing the gun back in her holster before she collapses onto the floor. Later, everyone would wonder how she could have possibly died like that. I'd never really do it though. I just think about it once in a while.

Once in a while, I speculate on what life would be like if my best friend and I were both gay. One advantage would be that we could combine our incomes, instead of each supporting a family. We'd also be able to afford an expensive sports car and all of the latest electronic gadgets. Plus, there'd be no more wild rides on the PMS rollercoaster. The only problem is that we'd probably both puke if we ever saw each other naked.

Whenever I experience deja-vu, I hope it's not a glitch in the Matrix.

As I get older, I find more mature women to be attractive. For instance, I think Patricia Heaton from the television show "Everybody Loves Raymond" is pretty hot, and she must be at least forty. Yet, I'm still attracted to younger women, which means that the span of females I find good looking is increasing. It wouldn't be beyond the realm of possibility to meet a young lady and find both her and her mother attractive. Extrapolating out several more years, I could conceivably see a woman in her twenties and think to myself, "I could do you, your Mom, and your Grandma" - a MILF and a GILF.

Victor Kushmann 334 6
05/05/2007 05:03 AM

TRUE CONFESSIONS, PART 2

Sometimes as I'm getting undressed to take a shower, I sniff my underwear before I toss them into the hamper. I know this behavior is disgusting, but for some reason I can't seem to help myself.

When I'm getting ready to pay for something in a store and there are a number of available check-out lines to choose from, oftentimes I'll pick the one with the most attractive cashier.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for a person's bellybutton to come undone and start leaking. Perhaps if someone experienced an abnormal amount of wear and tear in the area, such as a professional belly flopper or sumo wrestler, the possibility of developing such an affliction might exist. I imagine it would be quite annoying just having to contend with the damp bellybutton lint.

Whenever I'm waiting for either an elevator to arrive or a walk sign at a street intersection to light up, I inevitably push the button repeatedly with the belief that by doing so I'm somehow speeding the process up.

I prefer taking a dump at work as opposed to at home since I get paid for it.

I've always wanted to take a dump in a urinal. Why? I don't know.

When I'm sitting in traffic waiting at a red light and there's a female driver in the car directly in front of me, I try to piece together her appearance by looking at the back of her head as well as portions of her reflection in both her interior and driver's side rearview mirrors. Then, once the light turns green, I try to overtake her car, and as I pass by, I look over to see if I've accurately predicted what she looks like. Sometimes I'm pretty close and other times I'm way off.

Whenever my wife and I have sex, I try to do it on her side of the bed so that I don't have to sleep on the wet spot.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/05/2007 05:09 AM

Victor, most of those are normal human behavior. Oh yea, and the taking a Shakespeare in the urinal thing is not as cool as you would imagine it.

Suzette Crepe 28 7
05/05/2007 05:36 AM

Here's some stuff I do, just off the top of my head.

(1) Whenever I have to go downstairs in my house to my scary basement, when I go back up the stairs, I race up them because I think somebody's chasing me up and if I can make it to the landing I'll be okay.

(2) When I'm in the bathroom, I stand in front of the mirror and sweep some hair over my face, make my eyes all wide, lower my head a little and make a crazy evil psycho grin at my reflection. The funny thing is, it scares the crap out of me and I have to immediately reassure myself by breaking out of my "evil" character.

(3) Whenever I'm driving I pretend that I have to jump the car from shadow to shadow, and if I touch any sunny parts of the road I lose the "game". Also, whenever I make a turn I pretend that I'm grasping a pole on a corner and manually swinging the car around the curb. I don't actually do the grabbing motion, but I do some exaggerated swaying.

(4) Whenever I'm on public transport, I pick one person to mentally tell my life story to through telepathy. I stare at them until they become uncomfortable and have to start doing "Is she still staring at me?" checks surreptitiously.

(5) Here's the strangest habit that I can't break: I pick and choose random strangers to smile to while I'm walking on the sidewalk, and since I'm so choosy about who I smile to, I actually -expect- something good back from them. If their smiles are not up to my strange standards, the moment they pass me, my smile immediately turns into a menacing scowl and I shoot them an evil look over my shoulder. I can't help it even when there are other people on the sidewalk behind the first person.

Sakon 595 9
05/05/2007 06:10 AM

I often pretend that I have Cyclops' ability to shoot intense lasers out of my eyes in which everything I look at either melts, explodes, or is cut in half depending on the intensity of my stare, and on how fast my eyes are darting around. I can even make the beams very minimal in strength so that it gives me an excuse to look some one in the eyes when they're talking to me because I know that I'm slowly blinding them, but they don't know that! because the laser beams are ultraviolet!
I went through like 15 CRT moniters just trying to wright that...because they melted.

Sakon 595 9
05/05/2007 06:31 AM

When I go to the store I like to spend half my time there pretending that my shopping cart is a race care or go-kart sometimes even, but more rarely a semi-truck halling some goods. When I do this I inconspicuously randomly sellect a fellow shopper to be my racing opponant, but they have to start out going the same direction as I am, and have to be a "speed shopper". I will then select an imaginary finish line often determined by a distant landmark ie: electronics game section, the cabbage bin in the produce area, etc. If my opponant turns into a different aisle (which often happens) I follow them and create a new finish line. I will continue to follow the person around the store until we have both crossed my most recent created finish line. The person sometimes realizes that I've been following them, but never knows why. during the race I just assume they are looking at me like I'm fricken insane because they know I'll do what ever it takes to beat them in the race, so I shoot the look right back. I dont do this every time I go to the store to buy deoderant and toothpaste, but I'll manage to sneak a race in here and there.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/05/2007 07:33 AM

I imagine that all mirrors are like the otherside of a t.v. screen, and I always have the same two people watching me, no matter where the mirror is, even at friends and relatives houses. One is a tall good looking blonde, and the other is her not as good looking but still attractive younger sister. I don't know how I know this because I've never seen them, I just know it. It has gotten so bad, that I've actually written them messages, and held them up to the mirror. When I masturbate, sometimes, I look into the mirror, and I am actually turned on by the fact that the blonde and her sister are watching. I wish I could meet them.

Chix Raises His Kilt At Thee 286,539 61
05/05/2007 12:00 PM

The earth is 6000 years old. The Bible was literally written by God through the hands of men. And most of you are going to hell for not believing what I believe.

Oh, and I tear the labels off my mattresses.

Chix Raises His Kilt At Thee 286,539 61
05/05/2007 12:01 PM

I've had 300 foster kids through my home, all with the potential to kill with hammers.

Trump card.

Desincarnage 27 6
05/05/2007 12:38 PM

I imagine myself being a cat who's violently assassinating birds and rats with it's cute yet deadly paws and having fairly hot parties with other cats of the opposite sex.

Babarius the barbarian Barber 82 10
05/05/2007 01:06 PM

I love spiders. I get gleeful when they build their webs in my bathroom, and start brokering deals on how many mosquitoes they have to catch for tenancy of a corner of of the room. They usually keep up with the deal, and even allow me to videotape the captures (which I occasionally assist in also). Nothing more pleasing than watching a spider wrap up a mosquito in web, and suck out the blood that so recently was in myself.

Speaking of my toilet, I think my commode is cursed. Every time I sit down on it, I imagine creepy scenes involving my prowess with axes. I swing them in wide circles, perform complicated moves, and sometimes even get a chance to split a head or two.

Of course, these "imaginings" are not only restricted to my toilet seat. When I'm sitting in my car, waiting in a line or involved in some generally boring inaction, I imagine myself flying through the windshield/roof, grabbing a tree branch far overhead, diving into a nearby lake, grabbing the mystic pendant of destruction, phasing myself through the earth's core, performing flying karate moves on hells minions...and on, and on, until I finally blink, and realise that the waiting is done, and someone is clearing their throat irritably waiting for me to move.



BTW, most of these entries are very long and could be percieved to be boring. They are! All of them! Except for mine, of course. READ MINE!

Elana 26 6
05/05/2007 04:35 PM

Sometimes in class during a quiet exam, I imagine myself getting up, ripping my shirt off and humping all the males.

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/05/2007 05:20 PM

Hargrave's newest prank:
Step 1: Convince us to reveal our madnesses by trying to outdo each other.
Step 2: Round up the most crazy/dangerous and turn us in to the government as possible terrorists.
Step 3: Collect the bounty and Profit!

Bieze 1,382 7
05/05/2007 05:35 PM

I sometimes think of myself and masturbate. And I find John Hargrave has a very sexy voice.

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/05/2007 05:36 PM

BirdBird:
Often, when sitting in stuffy business meetings, I try to imagine the reactions of my colleagues or customers if I were to jump up onto the conference room table, drop my pants, and take a huge, stinky Shakespeare right there on the middle of the table.

It might look something like this

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/05/2007 05:40 PM

I sometimes think of myself and masturbate. And I find John Hargrave has a very sexy voice.

For the last time, we're listing weird things, not stuff that we all do!

MegaZega93 129 8
05/05/2007 06:50 PM

Last year, I thought there was this dark angel named Styxo [pronounced Styk-cko]who would watch over me at night. I couldn't see him though, I though he would have to earn my trust first. I knew what he looked like however, the only time I interacted with him was my dreams. He'd follow me around like in the shower [but he would avert his eyes], etc, but not during the day. He was a dark angel of course. At night he would just watch me in my room the whole night to keep me safe. I used to talk to him before going to sleep, tell him my problems and fears and ask him to try to fix them and such. I used to cry to him, and eventually, I realized he was in love with me. Soon I earned his trust enough for him to let me feel him, and we used to make out and have sex at night, but he'd also brush the hair out of my face or hold my hand tight. One night though, I had a horrid time and a lot of stress going on, screaming and such. So when I got home, I screamed at Styxo, telling him that he was no good and evil and I should have never trusted a dark angel anyway and that he brought it all upon me. I screamed at him to leave me and never come back. He left that night and I felt his presence gone. I haven't called to him since.
Boy, am I a wacko.

Zorkital 32 6
05/05/2007 09:04 PM

There are times when I am working with multiple tiny objects be they strips of litmus paper, electronic components, solder blobs or whatever that I give them life in my mind.

Each one will be alive and invariably they set up multiple camps and have little wars over odd reasons (such as too many blue litmus paper results as opposed to red).

This can go on in my head for hours and I actually have done stuff with the objects that follow along in my head with what is going on...taking a bunch of red litmus papers and redipping them in base to make them blue, then tossing them onto to the red pile to "attack" the base.

After a while I realize this is getting out of hand and I end it...this time.

Phla Sucks. No, not like that. 131,068 34
05/05/2007 10:13 PM

Hi, I'm Phla.

Can I go pick out my T-shirt now?

ZombieCon 533 8
05/05/2007 10:39 PM

Fear of moths. Butterflies I'm not so bad with but moths scare the hell out of me.

Phla Sucks. No, not like that. 131,068 34
05/05/2007 10:40 PM

DON'T STEAL MY THUNDER, BUTTERFLYBOY, OR I'LL KICK YOU IN THE MOTHBALLS.

Phla Sucks. No, not like that. 131,068 34
05/05/2007 10:43 PM

Now, as I was saying... I'm only allowed to pick just one shirt?

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/05/2007 10:47 PM

Phla, you're crazy if you think you can win this contest.

Ahh Frost.

























































I quit, you win.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/05/2007 11:51 PM

If the show's over, I got some moichandise for sale in the lobby.

Whistler P. McManus 186,122 44
05/06/2007 02:18 AM

I play the fife.

I drive 440 miles (each way) to work.

I voluntarily moved to Ohio.

I was within a few months of my children starting to be old enough to move out on their own when I knocked my wife up again.

I spent 33 years dreaming and wondering about my real family, and when I finally found them, it was Declan.

MoloW 20 6
05/06/2007 02:41 AM

Sometimes when I'm walking I like to pretend that everything is underwater. I pretend there are sharks swimming by, and I pick out the people who would be eaten and what type of water animal people would be, though everyone usually turn out being a walrus.
I also compare everything I see to animals. Cars are cats, big cars are lions, semi's are sperm whales, so on and so forth

Ashmole31 12 6
05/06/2007 02:42 AM

I always pretend I'm fighting a war or something.

Or travelling back in time and acting all cool because I know whats going to happen.Then people think I'm some sort of mystic because I know whats going to happen.

Or a tank drives into my school and I blow it up.Everyone thinks I'm awesome and I get laid x1000.

If theres a stain on the window I close one eye and pretend I'm shooting Shakespeare with it.

When I'm near a big ledge or something,I am fighting the urge to jump off.

jadedchaos 14 6
05/06/2007 03:04 AM

I can't get to sleep at night without dreaming up a new elaborate way to off my roommate. Usually the thoughts involve extreme torture and prolonged pain. It brings joy to my heart. Not sure if I can describe them in detail here, so I'll refrain...to protect the children.

Also, for as long as I can remember I'll sometimes randomly pretend the government has implanted some special device in my eye in the middle of the night and are watching my every move throughout and the day and I narrate it for them. I hear their comments in my mind as they discuss the goings ons of my life.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/06/2007 03:25 AM

Jade, that eye thing sounds kind of like my mirror thing. Wanna be friends and sleep together?

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/06/2007 03:26 AM

Wait, you're not Jade! I bet you're not even so fat you look Asian. LIAR!

jadedchaos 14 6
05/06/2007 03:40 AM

"Wait, you're not Jade! I bet you're not even so fat you look Asian. LIAR!"

Forgive me! I confess I am not so fat I look Asian...though in certain light my eyes can be squinty.

Anyway, I apologize. I'm merely a new user to GAB.

Jeanetic D.N.A. 47,787 51
05/06/2007 04:03 AM

<action>breaks out a pen and a pad, sits cofortably in her leather chair and takes notes.</action>Now, tell me about your mother.

BBM: Twisted Sister 6,369 10
05/06/2007 04:03 AM

When I am in a car, especially if on teh highway and going very fast, I have the strongest urge to unlock the car door and open it. I can remember this happening as far back as I remember. Sometimes I try to flick the lock off very quietly so it would be a bigger surprise when I randomly opened the door and dove out.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/06/2007 04:34 AM

I pretend to be a ninja in public.

A good ninja wouldn't let anyone know he's a ninja. Does this mean you just act normally. If so, I too pretend to be a ninja, a spy, and waldo in public.

Zeus Lightnington 85 7
05/06/2007 05:56 AM

When I act like a ninja I sneak up behind people with my hands in an "X" formation and go "HIYAHH!" and then nonchalantly walk away.

The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
05/06/2007 08:02 AM

I got married at the 10th anniversary convention for ZUG.com to another community member by another community member.


I think that ought to count for something. Also, I'm crazier than the wife because she had kids and I didn't.

Phla Sucks. No, not like that. 131,068 34
05/06/2007 10:34 PM

Let me remind you that not only do I check to see if my oven is on, but I once called my neighbor from work and asked her to check it for me.

And so you see, I wouldn't have to waste valuable oven checking time explaining my crazy if I was wearing a T-shirt.

Then I could just point.

Chance- Not a fire crotch! 171,275 14
05/07/2007 01:26 AM

I am friends with a bunch of internet weirdos. I have spoken to some of them on the phone.

I trust one of them.

Teh winner is me!

Millie 116,988 28
05/07/2007 02:11 AM

Phla, I work with your soul-mate. She drove home from work yesterday to check if her oven was on.

It wasn't. I told her she rents, so who cares? But she was obsessing about it.

Shiggety 2,286 7
05/07/2007 02:55 AM

Should I find myself sitting in a room on my own, I tend to convince myself that I am not really there and that I am merely the imaginary friend of the real me who is imagining me being there.
As a photographer, I often take long walks with my mp3 player on and my sweater's hood over my head. While this takes place, I seem to effectively convince myself that I am the only person who is alive at that very moment, and those around me are nothing but impermanant beings who disappear as soon as they leave my field of vision.
I am seriously fascinated by toe jam.
Whilst playing a sport-oriented video game (golf, hockey, football, driving, you name it) I will always, ALWAYS, find myself doing the commentary for my own actions. I will perform an action, and then annouce it as if I had no idea that something was about to happen. I then proceed to add commments as a co-anchor, usually in a british accent.
If I have cereal in the mornings, and decide to eat upstairs, I will move the bowl full of milk and cereal from side to side while going up the stairs, as if I'm trying not to spill the cereal during an earthquake. This is, of course, very hard, and I make second trips on a regular basis.
While reading or watching something that makes me laugh on my own, I will interrupt my own laughter to repeat the line and say to myself "that's gold!" as if my brain did not know that was funny, and now does thanks to my comment.
I just bought the first microwave I have ever owned/operated. I have yet to use it, because I am afraid I will wake up to find a third eye in the middle of my forehead.



I just used the microwave, and I am now excited to wake up to find a third eye in the middle of my forehead.

Thud 68,497 19
05/07/2007 02:57 AM

Alright, I'll play.

You want crazy? Look at my picture. I go out in public with that thing on my face.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/07/2007 02:58 AM

Since when does crazy mean stupid?

Thud 68,497 19
05/07/2007 03:03 AM

Since you mistook a n00b for Jade?

Millie 116,988 28
05/07/2007 03:05 AM

I go out in public with that thing on my face.

Awww! You're cute!

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/07/2007 03:06 AM

I have an excuse. I was blinded by the fat Poe. Furthermore, that comment was not directed at you, it was directed at the noob above you, so no hard feelings.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/07/2007 03:07 AM

Oh yea, and I'm crazy because I still think it's Christmas. ^

Thud 68,497 19
05/07/2007 03:09 AM

My mistake, then. Sorry for that, Beater.


And thanks, Millie.

Shiggety 2,286 7
05/07/2007 03:16 AM

Beater:

Crazy has meant stupid since they started putting the mentally challenged in separate classes in schools.
Although you're right, crazy doesn't mean stupid, but they sure do fit together like PB&J.

Beater: Jingling Bells In Your Face Since 1988 10,702 8
05/07/2007 03:19 AM

Shiggety:

Take it too myspace, because not even HOB deserves you.

Shiggety 2,286 7
05/07/2007 03:23 AM

But I just registered here! I don't want to have to register on Myspace now too. That's too much registering in one day. Exactly why I quit my job at the local supermarket.

Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/07/2007 03:43 AM

<action>hands shotgun to Shiggety</action>

Zeus Lightnington 85 7
05/07/2007 04:11 AM

What n00bzxorz!!!1

Sorry I had to do it.

Beater With A Car Antenna 10,702 8
05/07/2007 04:16 AM

<action> kills Zeus Lightnington</action>

Sorry, I had to do it.

Thud 68,497 19
05/07/2007 04:18 AM

<action>turns Zeus' body into sausage, gives it away to the homeless</action>

Sorry, I had to do it.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/07/2007 04:22 AM

<action>stares down Millie's shirt</action>Sorry, I wanted to do it.

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/07/2007 04:27 AM

<action>hits Dogs with a baseball bat</action>

Sorry. I was bored.

Beater With A Car Antenna 10,702 8
05/07/2007 04:30 AM

<action> Reads Briham's blog</action>

It's actually a very good story.

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/07/2007 02:38 PM

You say that as if you're surprised. Thanks man. Got any suggestions for improvements?

Alan the Great 25 6
05/07/2007 06:38 PM

Sometimes, if I think something wrong, I have to turn back the wheel and think it again, but right. If that doesn't work, I turn back the bigger wheel below it.
I often fear I have offended the laundry basket, and other inanimate objects. If I accidentally put them down too hard, or kick them, I profusely apologize. Bad things will happen if I forget to do this.
It is sometimes difficult to convince myself not to travel in time, because this would disturb the matrix, etc.
I just now got over an unusual form of OCD in which I had a small ritual I needed to do after every fart. I won't describe it here.

Please note that this is just the tip of the iceberg; I simply wanted to leave a little sampler. If I need to, I'll write more.

Dr. Penguin of the Arctic Alliance of Evil 395 8
05/07/2007 09:01 PM

Hrmmm, where to begin?

Sometimes I like to make up vorsuete words to use in everyday conversation and see if anybody notices.

I turn traffic signs into insults and use them on people. Once I called my friend a "three-laner." just kidding, his left lane just has a lot of accidents.

I think that terrorists are funny. I laugh when I see arabs, on television or elsewhere. Sometimes I imagine that children's show hosts are really terrorists and will stage a jihad on national television, while Big Bird beheads an Infidel.

I mentally give people herpes

I made a get well card about abortions and turned it in to a teacher for a grade.

I eat at Arby's.

I have an imaginary group of Alien freinds whom I summon to analy probe people who annoy me. I then lose control of them and they end up laying waste to the entire city. We have a little party afterwards.

Dr. Penguin of the Arctic Alliance of Evil 395 8
05/07/2007 09:01 PM

-When I was in Elementary school I was head of a secret military organization with the sole intent of eradicating the school bully. My friends and I had a humongous base in the middle of the desert (I live in eastern Pennsylvania) where we would drive robots and stuff. At recess time, I would imagine that the entire soccer feild was a giant computer display. It contained the "loyalty status" of all team members, and ran on apple II software (this was in 1996.)Sometimes the computer would crash and i'd have to reset it, and it would make the little beepy-clicky sound that all apple II's made. You know what i'm talking about. I love that sound. When it finally came time to summon up the robots from the secret fortress to fight the bully, I found that the bully had equally advanced technology. Lasers, robots, you name it, he had it. But of course, so did we, as we were equally matched. The battle continues to rage to this day. Or it may have ended in a wedgie. I can't remember.

-I've also masturbated in a public shower.

Shiggety 2,286 7
05/07/2007 11:23 PM

I just whacked it to the thought of whacking it in a public shower.

Ghost2 109 7
05/07/2007 11:56 PM

$when driving down the road I imagine that there is a ninja or some other fast, agile being running alongside the road. Except that grass and stuff is like lava, and street signs are like walls that need to be jumped over.

$I get really paranoid when I'm alone, as if I'm being watched. I will sometimes walk around my apartment searching for any hidden cameras or microphones. I can take my cellphone camera in a dark room, and try to see if there are any night-vision light emmitters (try it with a remote control).

$When walking down a crowded street, I will sometimes imagine that all of the people I see aren't there, and that the street is empty.

$When I'm having a conversation with with my preacher, I sometimes imagine screaming swearwords at him, or maybe even attacking him. I enjoy the thought of how much trouble I'd be in if I did.

$I once tied up our cat in a plastic bag and tried to to flush her down the toilet. When questioned by my parents as to why I did it, I relied "So she wouldn't get wet."

$If I'm in a waiting room, I like to imagine that I just peed on the floor (or worse), and imagine how the receptionist will react when they come in.


$If I see an empty paper towel roll, I'll stand it on end.


$If I'm poo'ing in a public restroom, I can't 'go' until nobody else is in the room.

Ghost2 109 7
05/08/2007 12:03 AM

=Awesome+Relevent:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXR4T8xVFdw

DanPants 16 6
05/08/2007 01:51 AM

Just a few..........
***Inner-thigh Hermaphrodite:
What if all human beings had male and female genitalia on the inside of each thigh, one on each side. Human beings could have sex with themselves simply by rapidly bringing their knees together ala the "Thigh Master". People could still have sex with others by placing the appropriate leg inside the others leg. Multiple partners could daisy chain in the way all around the world. Also, you could give birth to a clone of yourself that looks vaguely like Suzanne Summers.
***Road trip Laser:
I used to (i.e. still do) pretend I had a laser pointed level out the window that chopped all of the trees and houses in half as we drove down the road.
Electric poles would crash to the ground, stray antelope would become a steaming pile of organs sliced lengthwise. Awesome!
***Infinite soda can:
During those hot summer months, I find myself wishing I had a soda that instantly refilled every time I took a drink. I quickly realized that If the can was left on it's side, the world would quickly fill with a massive soda ocean that would destroy all life. I sometimes try to imagine what kind of life would evolve on our new coke-covered world. Massive soda chugging octopii? Caffeine dependent man-eating dolphins? Awesome squared!
***Impatient time travel (video game edition)
I hate waiting for the newest video game consoles to arrive. I've hated it my whole life. I use to imagine that I could time travel back to the ancient past(1950-1985) with a current gen console, say a PS3/Wii or something, walk up to some scientists, give it them and say "Go Nuts Boys!". Then I would arrive back to my present time, and technology would have advanced considerably. This fantasy inevitably ends up with my returning to a video-game-less future, ruled by tall black robot overlords with Sony or Nintendo across their chests.

A-No-Knee-Mousse 769 7
05/08/2007 02:52 AM

Does running up the stairs to my apartment pretending I am being chased by a pinkish-purple laser wall at high speeds and the only thing that can save me is sitting in my computer chair, count?

A-No-Knee-Mousse 769 7
05/08/2007 02:56 AM

Whyzit bolded?

Mushroomer 31 6
05/08/2007 02:54 PM

During the course of my day, I have an inner monolouge running in my head. But it's not exactly a monolouge. It's more written like a blog post (Ex "Today I went to the movies. I kicked a main in the groin.") Sometimes the blog is just about random crap. If I'm bored, I'll conduct a long rant over a Subway ad I saw that morning. In fact, this whole thing you're reading right now, it was written in my mental blog.
What's even wierder, I don't even have a blog!

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/08/2007 09:37 PM

Alright, I call Fat Daughter on this whole thread.

There is no way there are this many retarded n00bs 5 orbing each other without a single STFU from you vets.

Do you guys simply ignore these threads all together or are you creating multiple accounts and getting to be the window licking tards you really are without the impenetrable humor haze that usually surrounds you with while GABbing?

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/08/2007 09:42 PM

We tend to ignore them because they are on the front page so n00bs are bound to come in. Now STFU n00b.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/08/2007 09:43 PM

Suck me beautiful.

Elana 26 6
05/09/2007 01:13 AM

I've been having dreams about John.. He's even sexy when I'm asleep.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/09/2007 01:17 AM

Hi John.

dfacekilla3 14 6
05/09/2007 01:33 AM

For some odd reason beyond normal explanation, I always forget what I'm saying. Instead of interceding with the usual like, or um, or well, I say in a voice loud enough for the beautiful world to hear, "AND THEN THE WORLD EXPLODED!" I sometimes sing this, and less frequently I cut off the old conversation and start up about the aftermath of the World 'Splosion. If I'm talking about a person, I'll say, "And then his/her head exploded..." And to top it all off, if I forget what I'm saying and there is a considerable pause, I'll say a word, which reminds me of another word, and so on, until I recover what I was taking about. In example:

Me: So me and my friends were skateboarding yesterday-...andthentheworldexploded (BooM!) and uhh, uhh... what was I saying?
Suzy: You and your friends were ska-
Me: skateboarding and I hit this staircase and hit my leg on the rail, and it hurt so much it was like-Purple. Grape. Jellybeans. Frank Sinatra.

Now I realize this isn't too funny, as it isn't some odd tendency in my head, but I do frequently do this in my head as well.

With a condescending smile on my face I smirk at the person I'm talking to while I think "Only I can actually think of something completely different, proving the insignificance of this small conversation..."

soooooper sparta dood 10 6
05/09/2007 02:14 AM

Sometimes when I walk around fat people imagine being pulled towards them by their immense gravity. Sometimes this thought makes me actually drift towards them while walking, and before you know it, i'm orbiting them.

USA Sarah 30,601 8
05/09/2007 03:11 AM

A few times, I've leaned over really far to try and watch myself poop.

USA Sarah 30,601 8
05/09/2007 03:12 AM

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'll be leaving now.

Jake the Vincible 6 6
05/09/2007 04:32 PM

Whenever I eat broccoli, I imagine that I am a giant eating trees, and I move very slowly (because giants aren't all that fast). Also, everyone knows that giants chew slowly, with their mouth open.

Robin® 14,626 10
05/09/2007 04:44 PM

Since I was 12, about the time I started reading them, whenever I have to do a chore I don't like, long car trips, try to get myself to fall asleep, or masturbate, I put myself as a character of a romance novel. Sometimes I'm able to work the situation I'm in into the story, sometimes I tell the story to take my mind off the situation.

I'm not sure if that's an upgrade from my fantasy stories of nights and elves I used to pretend before romance novels, but it usually leads to more orgasms.

spacklepants 96 6
05/09/2007 05:56 PM

See, what I did was, I created this flyer:

http://www.yahoodrummers.com/davey/images/CPNDAFlyer.htm

(or if you'd rather not follow the link, it says "CLOTHILDE PANTYBUNCH NARCOLEPTIC DETECTIVE AGENCY: Courteous * Discreet * Occasionally Problematic" and then it's got a buncha phone number tear-offs across the bottom).

I stuck 'em up all over downtown Iowa City on the little bullschitt information kiosk things that get covered with flyers for bar-bands and yoga classes and tiny pathetic political rallies in every college town in this and all other known and unknown universes.

Then when people called the number, they'd be treated to my voicemail greeting: "Thank you for calling the Clothilde Pantybunch Narcoleptic Detective Agency. All our -- nnggh!" ...and then the cataclysmic racket of a milk crate full of books and silverware being dropped corner-first onto a spindle-legged little hall table covered with porcelain tchotchkes and Precious Moments figurines and little crystal-glass dragons and unicorns, punctuated with the clunkety-boomp of the phone bouncing to the floor.

As the cacaphony subsided (complete with a two-beat pause before the last commemorative shotglass shatters with a woebegone little tinkle), you'd hear the manly snores of a conked-out narcoleptic detective for a few seconds before the beep.

mothcleaner 4,106 10
05/09/2007 06:16 PM

when i meet new people, i fantasize about how to get them into bed, then kill them without getting caught and their bodies never being found

Elana 26 6
05/09/2007 06:20 PM

I just made everybodies ratings go down..MUHAHAHAHA! John Hargrave, why dont you put THAT in your wrapping paper and wrap it!!

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/09/2007 06:31 PM

When I was 12, I Frosted all your mothers until they had teh periods.

KChikita - Carrying a lentil bean 128,316 98
05/09/2007 06:58 PM

When I'm driving at night, sometimes I imagine that I start seeing gory body parts just laying in random spots on the road. As I drive further, I imagine that the carnage is hanging from telephone poles, street signs, power lines, and street lights. Bloody bodies and gore everywhere! It's like driving into a post-apocalyptic city, but one that's been ransacked by the Huns or some ancient blood-thirsty army. This continues until I get out of the car.

I don't own a gun, but I've theorized that it would be good to own one in case of a nuclear attack or other apocalyptic event that would send society spiraling downward into complete chaos. I'd have to have something to defend myself. I've even decided where I would hide my ammo and how I would get more if I ran out. I still haven't bought a firearm yet, though.

When I get out of my car to go into the store or a public place, I am compelled to hit my remote door locks 3 or 4 extra times before I get out of range to insure that the doors have actually locked, and that I haven't forgotten to do it.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/09/2007 07:04 PM

You will make an excellent mother.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/09/2007 07:09 PM

I just made everybodies ratings go down..MUHAHAHAHA! John Hargrave, why dont you put THAT in your wrapping paper and wrap it!!

I hope a sweaty fat guy sits on you and kills you. Don't Frost with the orbs in a crazy person thread. It makes some of us crazy.

KChikita - Carrying a raspberry 128,316 98
05/09/2007 07:15 PM

Also, whenever I send mojo to someone, I can actually feel something leaving my body. So since I've been preggo, I only send small amounts, since I probably need all I can get.

Sharri 14,124 11
05/09/2007 07:16 PM

Hi, I'm Phla.

Can I go pick out my T-shirt now?

You've got my vote.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/09/2007 08:36 PM

I got oral from tubgirl.

A-No-Knee-Mousse 769 7
05/09/2007 08:40 PM

Ha! I figured out how to un-bold it!

A-No-Knee-Mousse 769 7
05/09/2007 08:40 PM

Nevermind, apparently double-negatives don't work in the magical land of computer science.

Elana 26 6
05/09/2007 09:26 PM

Smokatronic.. I rated you to 'side splitting' you can now go ahead and seduce old people.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/09/2007 10:06 PM

Why, thank you. Urge to kill going... going... gone. Let's all watch some tv.

Sakon 595 9
05/09/2007 11:22 PM

.......can I have my ratings back?

Elana 26 6
05/10/2007 01:11 AM

I'm afraid you can't have your ratings back..But let's all watch tv with Smokatronic

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/10/2007 01:55 AM

JadedChaos, I orb you, sir! (or ma'am)

I have killed mine in my mind so many times and in so many ways.

shanelicious 4 6
05/10/2007 04:15 AM

everytime a friend or a relative introduces me to another person or whatever - it could be their other friend, their sick grandma, their dog, or even their parents, i try to look at that person for a long peiod of time and see if i could have an erection. weird?

Victor Kushmann 334 6
05/10/2007 03:53 PM

TRUE CONFESSIONS, PART 3

I've never contemplated suicide before, but if I were to do it, I would want to do so in a way that's never been done before - like throw a razorblade boomerang, and then wait for it to fly back and decapitate me.

Shiggety 2,286 7
05/10/2007 04:08 PM

As we all know, the first moon landing was in 1969. And only one year later, the Americans went back to try and develop to moon for commercial use. I was there for this development, and I helped coordinate the excavation of the lower south side of the moon. My crew was the fastest crew around, and by the time Christmas rolled around, we had already dug a massive hole, the size of Rosie O's anal opening. Although, I started detecting something was wrong, like the massive pile of dirt was throwing the moon off-balance. And indeed, near the time of the New Year, a low rumbling was heard and the moon rolled around and did a complete 180. This is, contrary to popular belief, what is causing Global Warming. The moon is not where it should be.

Or at least that's what happened according to my dream last night. For real.

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/10/2007 04:12 PM

I've never contemplated suicide before, but if I were to do it, I would want to do so in a way that's never been done before - like throw a razorblade boomerang, and then wait for it to fly back and decapitate me.

Except for in the little book of bunny suicides.

Harkonnen 0 6
05/11/2007 06:12 AM

Whenever I'm visiting someone who lives high up in an apartment building, with a balcony, I try to keep away from the balcony rail. I fear that just then, at that very moment, I snap and don't have control over my actions anymore, and I'm compulsed to jump over the rail. I just don't want to die.

Dianada 57,835 109
05/11/2007 06:23 AM

My ex always insisted I walk on the inside of the sidewalk. He said it was because if I walked on the outside, he didn't know if he would be able to control his urge to push me into the road to see what happened.

Dianada 57,835 109
05/11/2007 06:23 AM

That bastard.

Frogpop - I AM asking for it! 173,153 25
05/11/2007 07:10 AM

Wow, it's a shame it didn't work out with you two. I wonder what went wrong?

John Hargrave 128,751 73
05/11/2007 02:40 PM

Entries officially closed (as of midnight last night).

Winner to be announced next week.

to be announced next week 5,469 7
05/11/2007 02:43 PM

Sweet!