turtle10 42,578 26
05/09/2007 01:16 PM

Maybe there was someone there, and you just have really bad eyes. How else can you explain the Ollie thing?

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/09/2007 01:16 PM

I do that all the time: "He's paying."

Nachos is not a team player 57,521 23
05/09/2007 01:16 PM

She was probably just singling out her next victim.

People laden down by bags of food are always a good target.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/09/2007 01:22 PM

Perhaps, but she wasn't turned towards me. She was turned away from the traffic coming in and out, towards a completely empty area of the store.

Lila the bandwagon 45,655 12
05/09/2007 01:23 PM

We have a famous drunk around here who usually hangs around the local shops.

She'll dance for booze.

I'm always a bit torn about the situation. On the one hand, alcoholism, especially for women, is a terrible decease and I always feel sorry for the lonely, slovenly wench.

But on the other hand, it's really Frost-ing funny.

Stone Cold Lilakini 62,262 18
05/09/2007 01:36 PM

When I worked at Tim Hortons, one of our regulars had a great friend he used to sit and chat with for hours. He drank large hot chocolate, but his friend had a medium double double. "If he wants a large, he can pay for it himself!" he used to joke. We'd laugh, hand him the coffees, and he'd go over this his table and have incredibly animated discussions, heated debates, and extended arguments with his very much invisible friend.

The best part sometimes, after they'd been in an argument, he'd give his friend the silent treatment. There are few things funnier than watching a guy desperately trying to ignore an invisible person.

Lila Is A Rock Star 78,555 13
05/09/2007 01:42 PM

It's not so funny but it's my famous homeless person story.

Several years ago we're walking my future mother-in-law back to her hotel room. I had just met her and had a lovely dinner where we got alone swimmingly.

Then, as they are wont to do in downtown Memphis an aggressive crackhead asks us for money. Hubby politely tells him we don't have anything but plastic yet this does not appease him. He begins following us down the street, asking repeatedly. When I repeat that we have no cash he stops, looks at me and yells at me, "I WAN'T TALKING TO YOU!" He was basically insinuating that he was dealing with the "man" in this situation.

I don't quite know why but something triggered in me and I snapped. I started screaming at him, "LISTEN, Emerson, WE'RE NOT TOURISTS, WE'RE LOCALS AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU HARASS ME IN MY OWN Frost-ing HOMETOWN! NOW GET THE Frost AWAY FROM US, YOU Frost-ing CRACKHEAD!!"
During this process hubby calmly steps up to him and says, "Do we have a problem?" He starts backing away saying, "Uh, no, no."

Then, with perfect timing a cop on a bike comes barreling out of nowhere and takes the guy down yelling, "I thought I told you to leave people alone!"

Hubby's mom was already about a mile ahead of us.

Good first impression, Lila.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/09/2007 01:44 PM

I used to be a pretty famous drunk myself, I don't really remember why, because I was too drunk, but I do know I woke up in some pretty odd places.


Or you know, forget where I live and walk in the wrong house.

The Neeplets waved multi-coloured Lilas! 35,066 15
05/09/2007 02:12 PM

Our most famous homeless person is the blanket man. One time his blanket got stolen and lots of people who walk past him each day pitched in a bought him a new blanket.

The craziest person in the city though, is the evangelist outside of one of the bookstores. He has been doing it for over 30 years or something. I have already told gab about last week when he shoved a pamphlet in my face and yelled "Jesus died for your sins!"

I shoved the pamphlet back at him and said "Jesus died for somebody's sins but not mine. My sins are my own."

*sighs* Crazy people.

Chit 178,781 15
05/09/2007 03:06 PM

SCB, Let me guess...

You were standing in the express checkout line at the time, and "Sybil" had more than 9 items?

I'm right, aren't I?

Oldest trick in the book.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/09/2007 03:34 PM

Next time you meet a persistant panhandler try a different approach.

I used to lived in FL, and whenever they begged for change, I would demand a performance.

"Tell me a joke, do a trick, fight to the death, I don't care just do something entertaining!"

Yeah, I'm a dick.

The Neeplets waved multi-coloured Lilas! 35,066 15
05/09/2007 03:40 PM

Wait, it is so very wrong that our homeless man has his own wiki article!

Heh, did you see the bit about how he tried to get around driving an unregistered car by claiming that it wasn't a car... it was a waka!

McPants looks good on the dancefloor 19,555 11
05/09/2007 03:46 PM

Hey, wasn't the blanket man one of your members of parliament?

Robin® 14,626 10
05/09/2007 03:47 PM

George was a homeless guy who would come into our IHOP for free coffee to write, give out, or discuss his manifesto. He was ex Army and a conspiracy theorist.

That was an interesting Christmas spent talking to him.

Stone Cold Lilakini 62,262 18
05/09/2007 03:50 PM

Wait, it is so very wrong that our homeless man has his own wiki article!

It would be weird if he had his own article in a real World Encyclopaedia.

Having an article in an internet site that is written by people without necessarily any knowledge base, specialisation or skills is not quite so strange.

Few are gayer than McPants 19,555 11
05/09/2007 03:55 PM

After some research it turns out it wasn't blanket man I was thinking of after all. It was this guy.

Chit 178,781 15
05/09/2007 03:56 PM

Wait, it is so very wrong that our homeless man has his own wiki article!

Are you kidding?

Next to an antiquated and very overrated beef dish, Blanket Man is the biggest thing to ever come out of Wellington!

(Not including the kinky and geeky Kiwi Twins of GAB fame)

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/09/2007 04:08 PM

My brother is schizophrenic, a condition that manifested after prolonged LSD and Shroom usage, (total of a few thousand hits, plus a philosophy that eating mushrooms was just like taking a nap over about 18 months) one time, around 98, he just stopped talking. For the first month he would just stare at you. "Hey Jimmy, do you want a sandwich?" He would just stare at you.

Sometimes you could get him to nod at you, but usually you would just get a stare as if he were waiting for you to speak even though you just did.

After about a month straight, I begged him to tell me if anything was wrong because I was really worried about him. (I know he's crazy, but this was just a little distressing after so long) I guess brotherly love won out. He looked at me in the most solemn way and whispered, "I'm saving my voice for music."

He kept saving it for about 3 more months and then just spoke up one day and carried on as if he never stayed silent for four months straight. Gotta admire the discipline to choose not to speak or make any noise whatsoever for so long.

turtle10 42,578 26
05/09/2007 04:14 PM

I know some people I wished didn't speak for months on end.

Robin® 14,626 10
05/09/2007 04:20 PM

Also at my time at IHOP we had a regular who would come in in the afternoon, He'd order a coffee and a hot tea and sit in a booth. The tea was for "Miss Joyce" whom he would prceed to talk to the entire time he was there, Sometimes he'd order food.
I never saw him drink the hot tea, but it was always gone by the time he left.

TempusFugit 5,772 10
05/09/2007 04:53 PM

This one time I was begging for change in Florida. Everything was going fine until some Emerson walked by and told me if I wanted any money I should fight to the death with someone. In retrospect he may have just been joking, but you should have seen the look on his face when I stabbed Frank in the heart with my trusty rusty spork. Hoooooboy was my face red.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/09/2007 05:01 PM

But I gave you a quarter didn't I you homeless piece of Shakespeare!

Shiggety 2,286 7
05/09/2007 11:58 PM

I used to lived in FL, and whenever they begged for change, I would demand a performance.

I was strolling with a few friends in downtown Ottawa once when a man approached me and asked for change (in both french and english, I may add. We have cultured beggars.)

I declined at first, but this guy must have really wanted to earn his crack, so he said "Yo, check this out. I'll make you laugh." At which point he formed a gun out of his hand, hid it inside his shirt and jumped quickly around to face the two asian girls walking towards us. "FREEZE, GIMME ALL YOUR CHANGE! (Shatting of the pants occurs in the asian girls.) IF YOU WANT TO. PLEASE.

The smile on my face was no match for the smile (or rather, gums...) he flashed me when I handed him a ten dollar bill.

Phuc 237,919 21
05/10/2007 02:13 PM

I always give money to bums who ask for it. I figure they're working a Frost of a lot harder than our elected officials who just take it from me.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/10/2007 02:21 PM

I have a friend who is homeless. He makes more money than I do.

SquidBoy 19,912 12
05/10/2007 02:24 PM

I rarely give money to the homeless. Mostly because I rarely see them. However, I did give some money to a homeless vet in DC last summer.

My wife and I were wandering around looking for a good lunch place when he spoke up to get my attention. "Hey, soldier."

I told him I was in the Navy, but that he was close enough for bonus points. What impressed me was that he didn't immediately ask for money. He just struck up some conversation, telling me about Vietnam, asking what I did in the Navy, etc. We talked for about 15 minutes or so before he asked if I could help him out.

So I handed him a $20 and wished him good luck. I think he was expecting less, because he started to cry, stood at attention, and saluted me.

Nachos is not a team player 57,521 23
05/10/2007 02:26 PM

Did you make him drop and give you twenty back?

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/10/2007 07:37 PM

<action>shudders</action> How about akward things you don't want to hear while walking past the dressing rooms at the beach...

Lady screaming: Taneesha! Homegirl, get yo' ass in here and see this! There be more sand up in my vah-jay-jay than the Saharia desert!

Millie 116,988 28
05/11/2007 04:06 AM

I used to give them money all the time. My art studio was downtown and on my walk there I'd see the same guys all the time.

I never had much money on me, but they knew I was usually good for a dollar or something.

I couldn't care less what they spend it on.

We don't have any homeless people in Hallowell. It's too small. No one ever asks me for money here and I never see anyone peeing on the street or passed out with his penis hanging out like I used to see in Portland.

I gave a guy some cookies once. He wasn't impressed, but he took them.

FuckShitJesus 5,469 7
05/11/2007 04:14 PM

One day I was moving my mattress into my new apartment and a lady opened the front door with her key.

She said, "I'm not worried, a rapist wouldn't have a mattress like that."



What I should have said was, nothing....


















What I did say was:

"You'd be surprised."

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
05/11/2007 04:35 PM

I was working at the bar last night and one of the other bouncer's girlfriends came in for dinner. She looks young and the waitress asked me if she was old enough to drink, in case she was going to order a cocktail. I told her I would find out and figured it would be easier just to ask the other bouncer.

Me: Is your girlfriend old enough to drink?
Him: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, she's pregnant and can't drink right now.
Me: Oh, I didn't realize, how far along is she?
Him: About 7 months.

(She is a short petite girl who often wears baggy clothes when she picks him up or drops him off, so I never really noticed.)

Me: Wow, how long have you been dating?
Him: Almost 5 months.
Me: Um...

syncope 49,019 14
05/11/2007 04:41 PM

I walked into the bathroom on the second floor at work a few days ago and a chubby Asian man with long hair and a horrible John Waters mustache was standing at the sink with his pants down staring at his underwear.

He looked up, saw me, and said, "I'm crazy you know."

I panicked, and the best I could come up with was, "I'm peeing you know."

He let me finish my business and even wash my hands without talking again.

Smokatronic, I can spell my name real good. Yes! 2,388 9
05/11/2007 04:51 PM

Yesterday, I was talking over the NOOOOO thread with my co-worker (the one where oral is linked to cancer).

Co-worker - Aren't females the only ones affected by cervical cancer from HPV?

Me - Well, you see, there are birds and bees...

Co-worker - ...

USA Sarah 30,601 8
05/11/2007 05:06 PM

No, men with cervix's (cervixii?) are affected as well.

Smokatronic, I can spell my name real good. Yes! 2,388 9
05/11/2007 05:07 PM

So, Trixxie, then?

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/12/2007 04:58 PM

I would have gone with Werehampsta.

Lila Is A Rock Star 78,555 13
05/12/2007 05:31 PM

Heh, Dogs said he would have "gone" with Werehampsta. As in "go steady".

Dogs is teh gay!! Or...wait. I'm confused as to how to use an insult in this scenario.

BBM: Twisted Sister 6,369 10
05/12/2007 06:29 PM

"I gave a guy some cookies once. He wasn't impressed, but he took them."

How could ANYONE not be impressed by Millie cookies!?!

There is one homeless guy in my city who is really old and extremely skinny. I alwyas give him things, but he has never seen me. A few times, I've seen him sleeping in teh park with his shoes off and on teh ground beside the bench. I will put $5 in one shoe, or if I have some food, I put it beside him. Once I saw him in teh library, and I went and bought him a sub, but when I went o tive it to him, the librarian said he had gone to the bathroom. So I slipped $10 into his book and left him the sandwich.

I bet the librarian stole both of them.

SquidBoy 19,912 12
05/13/2007 03:19 AM

How could ANYONE not be impressed by Millie cookies!?!

Millie has great cookies.

You can interpret that any way you like.

Millie 116,988 28
05/13/2007 03:44 AM

Well, they weren't cookies I made. They were from a store that was on my way to my studio. But I bought them to eat myself! They were chocolate chip.

Millie 116,988 28
05/13/2007 03:48 AM

Also this thread reminds me of this thread, which was one of the first I posted in.

Lila Is A Rock Star 78,555 13
05/13/2007 03:51 AM

The first time I ever gave anything to someone homeless was right after I moved out of my parents' house. There was this guy at the Exxon next to Burger King asking for money while I had stopped to fill up. I said, "No, I don't have any money, but you can have my lunch." It really was my lunch too! A whopper, large fry and a drink. He looked in the bag disgustedly and then said, "Is that all you got?" I said, "Yeah." He snatched the bag from out of my hands and walked away without a word.
I decided then I would never give to homeless people again.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/13/2007 04:12 PM

Heh, Dogs said he would have "gone" with Werehampsta. As in "go steady".

Dogs is teh gay!!


As I understand it, Werehampsta nows has an articial, steam-powered vagina.

Therefore, technically, I wouldn't be gay. I'd be GAB.

Dogs Akimbo 211,584 32
05/13/2007 04:15 PM

Articial: 2 a : having been created by artisans; man-made.



Although probably not lately.

Lila Is A Rock Star 78,555 13
05/13/2007 04:22 PM

Well, thanks for clearing that up. I feel much better now.

No, no I don't.

Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/13/2007 04:54 PM

I usually give out to homeless people, but there was this one particular day where I was in a foul mood, so when a vagrant asked me "Hey man, got some spare change?", I turned to look at him straight in the eye, answered "Yeah, I do", and continued on walking without giving him anything.

Lila Is A Rock Star 78,555 13
05/13/2007 05:01 PM

You reminded me of a bumper sticker I saw last week that read, "YES, I DO HAVE SOME SPARE CHANGE. THANKS FOR ASKING."

Dr. Penguin of the Arctic Alliance of Evil 395 8
05/14/2007 03:03 AM

Getting caught masturbating to your sister's diary is awkward. Especially when it's that part about that dreamy hunk Corey in social studies with the godly pecs, the rippling abdominals, and the tight, baby-bottomed "spank me" ass.... mmmm......

Millie 116,988 28
05/14/2007 03:13 AM

Oh! I had one happen to me tonight!

I had a some customers, a nice-looking couple about my age. They were buying a toilet and I told them I didn't know much, I'd see if Ben was around. The male customer said, "I didn't see anyone over there--what does he look like?"

I said, "He's bald and has a limp."

The guy said, "Wow, that sounds like me."

I just laughed, since the guy was bald and I figured that's what he was talking about.

We didn't find Ben, so I ordered the toilet for them. They were sitting at my desk, and when I went to get their paperwork off the printer, I looked down and noticed that one of the guy's legs was an artificial leg. He was wearing long pants, so I hadn't noticed until he was sitting down.

The Emerson is me!

Humphrey 51,764 12
05/14/2007 05:17 AM

I once told a beggar that "while I don't have any cash on me, I'm happy to share a small percentage of my net liquid assets and liabilities". Then I told him he owed me 45 dollars.

As he worked this through his booze-addled brain, he actually patted his pockets as if looking for money. Then his confusion cleared and wandered away muttering to himself.


At least it got rid of him.

Phuc 237,919 21
05/14/2007 03:29 PM

The only thing worse than smelly, rotten, obnoxious bums who ask for change is self-righteous, judgemental pricks who say things like, "Well, he's just going to buy alcohol with it."

I am right and those people are now judged as turds.

Phla Sucks. No, not like that. 131,068 34
05/14/2007 03:33 PM

SCB, you could've just said Hi to me you know. We could've ditched my invisible friend and gotten a drink. (He's an alcoholic, I don't want to be an enabler.)

Straw! 98,000 37
05/14/2007 03:36 PM

Millie, you are not an Emerson. Your description of your coworker was matter-of-fact, not insulting. The old dude made a joke and you laughed at his joke.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/14/2007 04:03 PM

I thought I recognised you, Phla! But your friend kind of threw me off. I didn't recognise him at all! When did he get so fat?

Pubah, Storming the Beaches at Omaha 56,805 18
05/16/2007 12:08 AM

<action>Asks Phuc for 26% of his gross earnings in fiscal 06'</action>

Hell, if G.W. can get away with it...

Mount up on the wings of Chickenz 286,539 61
05/18/2007 02:44 PM

Last night at Shakespeare in the park rehersal for Romeo and Juliet, one of the other cast members was complaining about what a whiner Romeo is. Yeah, sez I, what a little medieval Emo-Fag.


Uncomfortable silence as I look around at half the 6 people I'm talking with who are gay.

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/18/2007 03:01 PM

My general feeling is "so what if they're just gonna use the money to buy booze?" I'd probably drink too if I were homeless.

Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/18/2007 03:08 PM

Just last week, a homie tagged me for cash on a street corner. Though he was obviously considerably drunk, he was quite polite and honest about the whole thing.

He actually said something like "Zorry doo dishdurb ya shir, bud I'm shortabout 2$ fer anotha six-pack, and da nite's still young. Would ja care ta spare sum change? Please?"

I gave him a fiver and wished him a happy drinking binge.

Chances are.... 171,275 14
05/18/2007 03:10 PM

Last night at Shakespeare in the park rehersal for Romeo and Juliet, one of the other cast members was complaining about what a whiner Romeo is. Yeah, sez I, what a little medieval Emo-Fag.

I dont believe this at all. You dont say "emofag" in real life.

Mount up on the wings of Chickenz 286,539 61
05/18/2007 03:57 PM

Why not? I mean, other than in embarrassing situations where you are actually half surrounded by fags who may or may not take offense?

Chances are.... 171,275 14
05/18/2007 04:21 PM

Chix: Like oh my gosh he is such an emo fag!

Chix Friend: Like fer sure!

Chix: Wanna go to the mall?

Dave's not here 52,827 16
05/18/2007 04:27 PM

I find talking to an imaginary friend is a great way to get your own seat on trains, buses and airplanes.

Although these days on airplanes it may get you a private room and a cavity search at the end of the flight. That can be good or bad I suppose, depending on personal tastes.

Shell Belle 77,143 25
05/18/2007 05:55 PM

I know some people I wished didn't speak for months on end

I know a lot of people who wished that I didn't speak for months. (Insert obvious insult here.)

BBM: Twisted Sister 6,369 10
05/19/2007 03:33 AM

This morning I remembered the time that I was at the Market with some friends, and noticed a homless lady sitting two tables away. I had some change and food to spare so I aksed her if she wanted it.
She looked at me really strangely and then I realized she wasn't homeless, just bad at personal hygeine.
I felt really really stupid. But I got to keep my extra food and change!

shadesofgrey 5,445 7
05/19/2007 05:45 AM

Last night at Shakespeare in the park rehersal

I automatically read that as "Last night at Shakespeare in the park rehearsal"... and wondered whether or not homeless people needed to rehearse Shakespeare-ing in the park.

I also wondered how much money I should toss their way for an incredibly moving performance.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/19/2007 11:26 PM

How potentially awkward would it be if I decided to inflict massive amounts of pain upon Pram for his stupid bullShakespeare multi-thread "prank"?

Hey, Pram, just tell him you want to suck his dick and get it over with, you Frost-ing twatwaffe.