TheFoye 55,700 16
05/10/2007 03:39 PM

Aww, thats so cute, you should take pictures of you putting it on now. Cause that would be hot.

turtle10 42,578 26
05/10/2007 03:44 PM

Foye! if she got it when she was 4, it would barely cover one boob.......ohhhhhh I get it now.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/10/2007 03:46 PM

Stop being slow turtle.

Chit 178,781 15
05/10/2007 03:48 PM

When my sister and I were in elementary school, bringing pomegranates in your lunch was all the rage.

Since the juice stained clothing, my mom shared an old wives tale that she learned in France as a child, and told us that the juice would make you blind if you got it in your eye.

While all the other kids were ripping into their pomegranates, my sister and I were dissecting ours with the skill of a brain surgeon to insure that we maintained the gift of sight.

Looking back, I think it's funny as hell that we didn't decide to say "Frost Pomegranates" but instead, just exercised extreme caution when eating them...

Robin® 14,626 10
05/10/2007 03:49 PM

My mom would boil the eggs we were going to colour for easter and while we were waiting for them to cool, she'd write our names in white crayon on the eggs so that when we would dip them our names would magically appear.

She told me that Jesus put them there. It was amazing how much Jesus' writing looked like mommy's.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
05/10/2007 03:50 PM

I tell my daughter that it's important for her to learn math.

Chit 178,781 15
05/10/2007 03:54 PM

It was amazing how much Jesus' writing looked like mommy's.


It was pretty comforting to know that Jesus was so concerned that your lunch didn't get mixed up with the other kids lunch bags that he put your name on it too I bet.

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,205 34
05/10/2007 03:59 PM

My parents told me babies come from a woman's chacha, after a man puts his hoohoodiddly in there.

Silly adults. There's no room for a hoohoodiddly and a baby in a wonam's chacha.

Robin® 14,626 10
05/10/2007 04:00 PM

It was pretty comforting to know that Jesus was so concerned that your lunch didn't get mixed up with the other kids lunch bags that he put your name on it too I bet.

No one was allowed to touch teh She-ra lunch box. Besides, my mom would cut my sandwich in a heart or press a smilie face into the bread and leave me notes inside about home much she loved me. I think most kids would have gagged at the mushiness.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
05/10/2007 04:00 PM

I spent a year in the USA when I was a kid. In school there, I was told every single morning that the United States were an indivisible nation, with liberty and justice for all.

Hello! Nice Zolton! Thank you! 88,205 34
05/10/2007 04:01 PM

Actually, given the hoohoodiddly-to-chacha size ratio on GAB, I take that back.

Around here, you can fit fourteen hoohoodiddlies, three babies, a family of Mexicans and a walk-in freezer in a chacha.

Or die trying.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/10/2007 04:01 PM

Fine I'll tell a Frost-ing story.

My mom once told me that if I went into her bedroom when she wasn't home I would die.

She was wrong, I lived, but her boyfriend beat the Shakespeare.

I hate that Frost-ing crackhead mother-Froster.

Meh, nevermind, lacks excellence.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/10/2007 04:05 PM

I've told the story before of how I once made my older sister cry by telling her there was no such thing as Santa Claus.


This took place when she was in her late teens.

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/10/2007 04:07 PM

Oh, I got one, she told me if I did well in school I could make lots of money.

I stopped believing that around 7th grade.

How the Frost would she know, she didn't get past the 6th grade.

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/10/2007 04:10 PM

You know those circular rolls of hay used on farm fields (that lay there for weeks before the Frost-ing farmers unroll them)? My best friend's dad and 5 brothers convinced him they grew like that. He believed it until he was like 20.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/10/2007 04:11 PM

About a year and a half ago, we had a large hardware upgrade at work. We had to remove and replace 260 computers and monitors, which were integrated into this elaborate AV classroom setup that allowed all sorts of controls for each classroom at the instructor podium. This system used miles of cabling which were installed previously by a man with a cable tie fetish. During the process, we all got the Shakespeare scratched out of our arms and faces trying to remove these while contorting under these special desks.

When I came home, I told my boys that there were some tigers at work running loose and they tried to attack some poor, innocent trainees. Well I had to save them. My scratches were, of course, injuries sustained by the claws of vicious tigers. I'm such a hero.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/10/2007 04:16 PM

Growing up, my mum didn't really lie about much. She covered a lot of things up, like the fact that we were poor as hell and she wasn't so much saving my paper route money for me but buying groceries with it.

Or that my father was technically insane and the reason mummy couldn't have a job was because he'd come and steal us while she was at work.

Or that I had another brother, but his mother didn't want anything to do with my dad (see above) so she ran away with him and refused all connection with any of us.

Or that one of my aunts stopped buying us Christmas and birthday presents when we were four or five and mum would just sign my aunt's name to a gift she herself had bought.

Or that when I was ten, another one of our aunts bought the house we were renting and kicked us out just because she could.



I'm sure there is a lot more as well. Everytime I come home for a visit, I find out some new weird secret about my family that I can't believe I didn't notice at the time. It's kind of Frosted up.

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/10/2007 04:17 PM

...that's not funny, Jesus Christ!

The thing about Lila is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 286,539 61
05/10/2007 04:18 PM

My kid thinks the goldfish in his bowl is the same one he told me to feed while he was at camp.

Anh the Epicurean 11,158 14
05/10/2007 04:20 PM

Some nights, my mom would tell my sister and I that she was going to die soon.

Hypochondriac bitch!

TheFoye 55,700 16
05/10/2007 04:20 PM

...that's not funny, Jesus Christ!

You're right, that was hilarious.

The thing about Lila is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 286,539 61
05/10/2007 04:22 PM

After she grew up, Hen found out her cousin Vince in Washington is actually brother Vince, born by her uncle's wife after dear old dad Frosted his brother's wife during their last and never again Christmas vacation visit to Washington.

Robin® 14,626 10
05/10/2007 04:23 PM

My mom didn't lie to me much,she told me about some of the lies she had heard so I didn't fall for them.
Example: Douching with coke only makes you sticky, it doesn't keep you from getting pregnant.

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/10/2007 04:27 PM

For some reason that reminds me of this story:

My mom and I were having an argument a couple years back. She argued that oral sex is sex, and I argued that her logic was flawed and oral sex is so not sex.

Me: if you're going to insist that oral sex is sex, then by that logic the dogs have sex with themselves all the time.
Her: no! They don't orgasm.
Me:...so by that line of reasoning, if I don't orgasm it's not sex? There's millions of women with kids who've never had sex then!

She gave up.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/10/2007 04:33 PM

You could say that the dogs are actually masturbating, which is different than sex, but then I guess you could start arguing about whether or not that counts as sex, and I really don't want to dwell on canine sexual practices any further.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/10/2007 04:34 PM

I convinced my little sister that she could get a moon burn if she went outside at night without moontan lotion. The best part is that she accused my mom of lying when she told her I was just trying to scare her. She cried until my mom used lotion on her at night for a month of Summer.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/10/2007 04:36 PM

and I really don't want to dwell on canine sexual practices any further.

I may or may not have finger-Frosted my grandma's Pomeranian when I was younger.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/10/2007 04:41 PM

When I was seven, Jean Chretien was elected as Prime Minister of Canada for the first time. I remember my friend's mum telling me that this was a good thing and the days of corruption and indecency in our government was over!

Ummm, yeah. I can't believe I fell for that one.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/10/2007 04:45 PM

Is his name pronounced as cretin?

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
05/10/2007 04:46 PM

One of my mother's friends had me convinced, for several years, that she kept an alligator as a pet in her bathroom. One day, I was at her house with my parents, and I needed to go to the bathroom, but I was afraid of the alligator, so I did not say anything and just sat there silently in the living room.

After a while, I was twitching nervously in my seat, and it became obvious to the people around me that I needed to pee. So my mother's friend stood up and took me by the hand to show me the way to the bathroom. I started to cry loudly, jumping up and down, and making a big fuss because I was afraid to go to the bathroom. I got so scared that I ended up peeing my pants right there in the living room. The woman's carpet got some of it too.

And that is when I started believing in karma.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
05/10/2007 04:47 PM

(All of this happened last year.)

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/10/2007 04:49 PM

If only!


And with a face like his! No, I shouldn't make fun of his face. He's had a stroke. It's not his fault. But it's just so funny!

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/10/2007 04:51 PM

Dear The Mailman,


Please refrain from posting you hilarious anecdotes until after I get off the phone to the very old lady with the ridiculous voice and hearing problems. You're making me look slow.


All the best,

Stone Cold Bikini.

Smokatronic 2,388 9
05/10/2007 04:58 PM

I've convinced my children, through a propaganda campaign, that I always know when they lie to me. If they ever get away with it and I find out, I make believe that I knew the whole time and was just waiting for them to do the right thing and come clean. They almost never bother with it anymore. I love outsmarting children, it makes me feel intelligent.

Lila Is A Rock Star 78,555 13
05/10/2007 05:18 PM

My mom used to tell me that cats' tails have minds of their own. And that my stuffed animals came to life at night and watched over me. And that she had eyes in the back of her head.
I remember one year I caught them putting out "Santa's" gifts and they told me, "Don't tell your little brother."

HEY, PRESTON, THERE'S NO SANTA! NEENER!!

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
05/10/2007 05:32 PM

Sesame Street once did an episode where a guest star claimed to have invented the alphabet. I excitedly told my parents about the man who had invented the alphabet. He was awesome. They tried to explain that it was a joke, but I refused to believe them.

Chance 171,275 14
05/10/2007 05:41 PM

We have a salt water aquarium in our office and it started to bubble a little last week because it was low on water....well I went to grab a jug to start putting our pre-mixed salt water into the sump box when Bob (an older man who is usually quite bright) asked me where the water goes and why I have to fill it up sometimes. I looked at him all professionally while working on the tank and said "Hey, fish gotta drink too" and continued what I was doing.

I totally think he believed me because he had that "This all makes sense now" gleem in his eye.

turtle10 42,578 26
05/10/2007 05:43 PM

I totally think he believed me because he had that "This all makes sense now" gleem in his eye.

or he was staring at your ass while you worked.

Lila Is A Rock Star 78,555 13
05/10/2007 05:44 PM

<action>has a gleem in her eye too</action>

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/10/2007 05:45 PM

I just went to Long John Silvers for lunch, because I like all my food to be fried in the same batter. Anyway, the girl at the window asked me if I wanted any sauce and not even thinking I was like, "Yeah, malt liquor please." She kind of hesitated and gave me the vinegar. I felt like such a Frost-ing retard/drunk.

Chance 171,275 14
05/10/2007 05:46 PM

Oh! When I was a wee lil girl my mother told me that a witch watched over me while I slept. Now, if I was bad that day it was an evil witch and if I was good that day, it was a good witch.

I had nightmares a lot. Seriously, I wasnt even asleep and I saw that evil green bitch staring at me.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
05/10/2007 05:48 PM

My parents told me they loved me.

This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 61,976 36
05/10/2007 05:48 PM

I was terrified of tornadoes as a kid. My mom convinced me that if I'm hiding under my blankets during a tornado they would keep me safe while I slept.

After I was actually in a tornado in 4th grade, I realized there was no Frost-ing way.

Chance 171,275 14
05/10/2007 05:56 PM

Haha thats funny. Our first night in Florida there was a tornado watch. My mother who is terrified of tornados had me and my cat laying in the bathtub with a Frost-ing twin mattress over it with her holding the mattress down so I can be safe. Finally, after laying in a bathtub for 2 hours barely able to breath I told her to let the Frost-ing tornado take me away and layed on my bed to watch MTV.

And you guys think your parents Frosted you up.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
05/10/2007 06:02 PM

One day when I was in about grade 1, one of my uncles called the house to tell my dad he was coming over. I answered the phone and he asked, "What is that on your face?"

I scoffed and told him I knew he couldn't see me through the phone.

But when he arrived, he grabbed at my face and then showed me a bit of Kleenex in his hand. Amazing!

I spent the next several days begging my parents to teach me how to see through the phone.

Chance 171,275 14
05/10/2007 06:04 PM

Did they ever teach you?

Oh and could you please remove your hand from your crotch? Its annoying.

The thing about Lila is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 286,539 61
05/10/2007 06:30 PM

hAHAHHAHAHAAHHA. I just remembered this. The uncle who got his wife Frosted the next Christmas was a big joker. He called Hen once when she was at home alone at around age ten. Told her the lobsters for the Christmas dinner had to be taken out of the box in the garage and put in the pool. Then that they needed to be cooled down so to dump all the ice in the house in there with them.

The family had to fish the lobsters out with the pool skimmer when they finally got home.

Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,642 8
05/10/2007 07:18 PM

You know those circular rolls of hay used on farm fields (that lay there for weeks before the cuddling farmers unroll them)?

I used to have those in the barn on the farm; they're not so much "unrolled" as they are broken to feed the cows. (and they sit there to dry out)
Sorry, on to the kid stuff:

We tell our kids when they're bing to loud at bed time that if they don't settle down they'll need to sleep in the bath tub. The other night my son called me on it, so I moved his pillow and blanket to the bathtub and had him get in.
About an hour later, he's standing by our bed, dripping wet. Little bugger turned on the shower.

Devildog 538 6
05/10/2007 08:04 PM

During a weekend stay with my chain-smoking alcoholic bitch grammy, she caught my 4-year-old brother chewing on his shirt collar.

"CUT THAT OUT!" she scolded, almost spilling her drink, "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ALL YOUR CLOTHES ARE MADE FROM BLACK PEOPLES' UNDERWEAR??"

For years, I thought we were poor.

Chance 171,275 14
05/10/2007 08:05 PM

Uh, your mom is a stupid racist pig.

Chance 171,275 14
05/10/2007 08:06 PM

I KNOW ITS HIS GRAMMIE! I'm Chance, I cant be bothered with details.

Devildog 538 6
05/10/2007 08:12 PM

No arguments there, Chance.

And I might not be a he.

Robin® 14,626 10
05/10/2007 08:16 PM

Spring Texas. No wonder.

One of my uncles convinced me that if I rolled around on the floor on my stomache when I had a stomache ache the ache would go away.

My mom made him clean up the puke.

The thing about Lila is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 286,539 61
05/10/2007 08:22 PM

DevilDog- might? You have some titties you need to be showing?

Lila the bandwagon 45,655 12
05/10/2007 08:27 PM

All six of them.

Devildog 538 6
05/10/2007 08:27 PM

Actually, Robin, it was in Dallas, and it was when water fountains and public restrooms still came in sets of 2 or 4, respectively. Not sayin' it was right. Just sayin' her logic made my 8 year old head almost assplode.

Chix, considering how long ago that was, you might want to reconsider.

Robin® 14,626 10
05/10/2007 08:29 PM

Actually, Robin, it was in Dallas
Even more self explanitory.

Chance 171,275 14
05/10/2007 08:31 PM

Chix, considering how long ago that was, you might want to reconsider.

Hey, hes seen my grandmas titties...I dont think hes too picky.

Dianada 57,835 109
05/10/2007 10:53 PM

One time my dad told me to put my finger in my mouth and bite down hard, and it wouldn't hurt because I was doing it to myself. I was skeptical, but did it, and it didn't hurt!

So he said to do it harder and it hurt like a mother-Froster.

I hate my dad. Not for this. I just do.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
05/10/2007 11:15 PM

Because he didn't tell you how good it felt to stick your fingers other places? Or because he showed you?

KChikita - Carrying a raspberry 128,334 98
05/10/2007 11:15 PM

When my sister and I were very young, we used to play over at my Great-Aunt and Great-Uncle's house next door. One day, my Great-Uncle caught my sister chewing on the ends of her hair. He grabbed her hand and shouted at her, "Don't chew on your hair! It'll give you worms!"

Of course, she still did it, just not within sight of our Great-Uncle.

Dianada 57,835 109
05/10/2007 11:16 PM

I missed you, BIG.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
05/10/2007 11:16 PM

Dear Karma,

Please don't have me get hit by a truck if the answer to either of the previously posted questions are yes.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
05/10/2007 11:17 PM

I missed you, too.

Jaggylioness 11,895 13
05/11/2007 01:50 AM

I had nightmares a lot. Seriously, I wasnt even asleep and I saw that evil green bitch staring at me.

Chance! That's no way to speak of your mother, even if she did make up stories.

Jaggylioness 11,895 13
05/11/2007 01:54 AM

When I was about 5, I was lying on Mum's bed naked, refusing to go and get dressed. Then me and Neep's first teacher, Miss Joyce, rang to talk to Mum about some school trip or something. After they hung up, my Mum turned to me and said, "that was sooo embarrassing. I know that we don't have a video phone, but what if she does?" I was mortified. I still can't pick my nose or anything when I'm on the phone.

The High Priestess, quitely surpassing 10,000 58,948 29
05/11/2007 02:09 AM

My mom always told me that if I chewed on my hair I'd get diarreha. Also, I knew there was no Santa for a year before my older sister.

Jep Bush 58,758 13
05/11/2007 03:17 AM

My son came home from preschool a little confused about the "our father..." thing and asked me if I was God. I told him I was and he asked me if I made man.

I said I did and he asked how. I said, "Well first you need molasses, mustard, water, a book of matches..."

He believed it for about a week before some blasphemer narc-ed me out.

SquidBoy 19,912 12
05/11/2007 04:00 PM

You could say that the dogs are actually masturbating, which is different than sex, but then I guess you could start arguing about whether or not that counts as sex, and I really don't want to dwell on canine sexual practices any further.

Red rocket, red rocket...

turtle10 42,578 26
05/11/2007 04:03 PM

I asked my grandfather where babies came from, and he told me it happened when you swallowed bubble gum.

One day I swallowed my gum, panicked and put a pillow up my shirt because I had to tell them I was having a baby.

TTJane is strange when you're a stranger 173,958 15
05/11/2007 04:35 PM

Best Maid pickles are made in my home town. They actually package them in Fort Worth, but the giant concrete vats where they pickle them are in Mansfield. They sit outside in the open, so as you drive by you can not only see the vats but you can smell the pickles.

Growing up, we drove by it on a regular basis because it was located on one of the main roads through town. My mom told me that it was actually the "Little Girl Farm". Parents with bad little girls would take them there and throw them in the vats. And then they turned into pickles. It was a threat my brother and sometimes my mom enjoyed using. "Jane, you better behave or we're going to take you to the Little Girl Farm!"

TTJane is strange when you're a stranger 173,958 15
05/11/2007 04:36 PM

I don't think I was able to eat a pickle without crying until I was 23.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
05/11/2007 04:37 PM

So when your daughter was little she was only slightly misbehaving and you only threw in a limb?