Craziest Person in the Universe: The Diagnosis
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  116,629  19
05/16/2007 11:13 PM 717 views
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We ran a little contest where we asked you to share your craziest "mind games," those little mental routines that your brain uses to avoid doing actual work. We received a ton of embarrassing, sexy, rude, twisted, disturbing confessions. Then we had a licensed psychologist (OK, a second-year psych student) analyze your confessions for actual signs of insanity.
Without any further ado, our contenders for the title of Craziest Person in the Universe, complete with amateur psychoanalysis:
DanPants confessed: "During hot summer months, I find myself wishing I had a soda that instantly refilled every time I took a drink. I quickly realized that if the can was left on its side, the world would quickly fill with a massive soda ocean that would destroy all life. I sometimes try to imagine what kind of life would evolve on our new Coke-covered world. Massive soda-chugging octopii? Caffeine-dependent man-eating dolphins? Awesome squared!"
"When diagnosing mental illness, we generally look for symptoms, specifically symptoms that lead the patient to social or personal problems. While the Coke can fantasy is amusing, it is clearly a daydream, a flight-of-fancy. No professional help needed, unless the Coke can fantasy is so persistent that it is interfering with other areas of life."
Beater confessed: "When I'm alone, I imagine that I have all of the powers of the X-Men combined, and I describe how I can use them to my sidekick, who is powerless. I usually do this to pass the time while I'm on the toilet, but sometimes when my girlfriend is at work, I hold great action fight scenes (totally not staged) in the living room. When I broke my big toe because I missed Sabertooth and kicked the couch instead, I lied to her, and told her that I stubbed it on the kitchen table."
"In this case, we have a fantasy that has been acted out, leading to a real-life consequence. We would want to ask how often this has happened. Age may also be a factor; what might be normal behavior for a 14-year-old boy could be a sign of delusion in an adult man. Probably not mentally ill ... though the girlfriend might be, for hooking up with this guy."
Elana confessed: "Sometimes in class during a quiet exam, I imagine myself getting up, ripping my shirt off and humping all the males."
"Normal sexual fantasy. If she does act on it, though, remind her to take pictures."
Babarius the Barbarian Barber confessed: "Every time I sit down on the commode, I imagine creepy scenes involving my prowess with axes. I swing them in wide circles, perform complicated moves, and sometimes even get a chance to split a head or two.
"Of course, these 'imaginings' are not only restricted to my toilet seat. When I'm sitting in my car at a stoplight, I imagine myself flying through the windshield, grabbing a tree branch far overhead, diving into a nearby lake, grabbing the mystic pendant of destruction, phasing myself through the earth's core, performing flying karate moves on hell's minions ... and so on, until I finally blink, and realize that someone behind me is laying on the horn."
"No sign of mental illness here, unless he wakes up to find a split head in bed with him."
Bean confessed: "I randomly have conversations with real people who aren't anywhere in a 10 mile radius of me, usually when I'm pissed off at them or apologizing/explaining something to them. I'll rephrase the whole conversation many times in my attempts to yell at them or plead with them, whatever the case may be.
"I also randomly 'type' things with my toes while riding in the car or sitting somewhere bored. I try my best to get each individual toe working independently of my other toes, and will usually re-type one word over and over until I feel I've mastered it, or I find a new word to type. Sometimes I find that my toes are typing something without me realizing it was happening, so I spend several minutes trying to figure out what they're typing."
"Nearly everyone has imaginary conversations -- this is our way of 'testing out' communication styles. It's only harmful if the cellphone in your pocket accidentally dials the person while you're ranting at them. In terms of the toe-typing habit, what can I say? Brains are weird. No mental illness here."
Rene of the Dead confessed: "On the rare occassion that I go to church, I find myself looking at the pastor, his timid wife and their 3 kids. I start wondering what 'devout Christian' sex might be like. I start daydreaming about all the kinky stuff they probably do. Then I get scared for my soul and starting humming a hymn in my head. Then the hymn turns into a sort of porno beat and it's back to the freaky preacher sex."
"Some sexual/religious issues, which are fairly common. I would need to do a full diagnosis to make sure. Please give her my number. Tell her I'll be wearing a preacher's frock."
Underwhere confessed: "Every night when I get up to pee, I RUN through the house and usually end up hurting myself trying to avoid looking out the windows. That's because the aliens are out there, and if I look at them, they'll grab me. Sometimes I wake up my husband and make him go with me; other times I'll get scared while sitting on the toilet, and I'll just stay there until he comes and rescues me. Once, I called him on his cell phone to wake him up so he could save me."
"FINALLY, something to diagnose. This could be a delusional disorder of some kind, more information would be needed to make a proper diagnosis. This behavior certainly warrants treatment, however, as it is causing problems in her personal life. Then again, what the hell do I know? I'm only a second-year psych student."
So there you have it: a "professional" diagnosis. Congratulations, Underwhere, on being officially named Craziest Person in the Universe. Not only do you receive 10% off all mental health services at participating treatment facilities,* but you win a funny new T-shirt from DisorderTees.com. That'll give you something to wear while you sit on the toilet, praying desperately for your husband to save you from our alien overlords.
Sir John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the bestselling Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
* Unfortunately, there are no participating treatment facilities anywhere in the world.
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Hilarious
14 votes
4.7
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Jep Bush 57,795  10
05/16/2007 11:13 PM
It figures that a woman would've won this. When it comes to being bat Shakespeare crazy, they've got a biological edge.
Oh, and my very first "First to Post" comment.
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That's What She Said 14,740 8
05/16/2007 11:14 PM
Yay Undies!
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Jep Bush 57,795 10
05/16/2007 11:17 PM
I was kinda hoping that TWSS says "Nay to undies".
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UnderWhere? 72,859 16
05/16/2007 11:22 PM
A delusional disorder? I'm not delusional if they're actually out there!
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SquidBoy 19,787 8
05/16/2007 11:24 PM
So, tell me more of this Elana person.
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Jolson whips it good! 16,087 7
05/16/2007 11:28 PM
Crazy Holly. EVERYBODY knows that they only kidnap you when you're either in bed or driving down a two lane road, late at night, by yourself or with an inbred relative.
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Phuc 231,348 13
05/16/2007 11:29 PM
Congratulations, Undies. I knew you had it in you.
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Cracka 68,154 8
05/16/2007 11:34 PM
I'm actually kind of surprised there was only one winner. But if there can be only one, I'm glad Spicey has to live with her and not me.
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Straw! 59,659 11
05/17/2007 12:04 AM
Undies is our very own Duane Barry. Congrats Undies! You have to tell us which t-shirt you choose.
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TheFoye 53,734 10
05/17/2007 12:10 AM
Looks like PMS beat out PTSD.
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Straw! 59,659 11
05/17/2007 12:11 AM
I think in Undies' case it is PTSD.
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Undies, the Craziest Person in the Universe! 72,859 16
05/17/2007 12:11 AM
Well Straw, I'm not sure. Since I gained weight, I'm now in a size XL, and the site only sells S, M & L. I think I'll probably get the delusional Tshirt and stop eating ice cream.
Now THAT's a crazy thought.
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Straw! 59,659 11
05/17/2007 12:19 AM
That means the t-shirt will be nice and tight on you. Rawr!
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Elana 26 3
05/17/2007 12:21 AM
I've decided...And I'm going to go through with this burning sexual desire. Yes, I will attempt to sex up all the guys in a quiet classroom setting.. Don't worry, pictures will be taken.
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This Taco's being Crunched by the Gears of War! 55,641 21
05/17/2007 12:26 AM
Elana
Gabbing since 2007
Has recieved
5 - 3
4 - 1
3 - 2
2 - 0
1 - 1
Has given
5 - 2
4 - 0
3 - 0
2 - 0
1 - 133
Whore.
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Pumpkin Noggin -now available for parties 56,422 5
05/17/2007 01:07 AM
So since I didn't make this list, does that make my antisocial behavior normal? (Yeah, I know it's below normal when compared to Nacho's, but still)
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Nachos is not a team player 51,808 10
05/17/2007 01:17 AM
The amusing thing is that the craziest people probably don't even recognise it and therefore didn't contribute to this.
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The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,050 10
05/17/2007 01:22 AM
Phla should have won. Everyone knows she is the criz-aziest.
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Nachos is not a team player 51,808 10
05/17/2007 01:31 AM
Oh please. We've seen at least three people that are periously close to true sociopathic behaviour, more than a couple of people that are delusional at best and psychotic at worst and that's not counting the garden variety depressives and bi-polarites out there. Not to mention Pram and the feathered one.
And you says Phla's the craziest one out there?
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The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,050 10
05/17/2007 01:33 AM
Phla got into a fight with reality and they haven't spoken in a few years.
Pram's just a douche.
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Nachos is not a team player 51,808 10
05/17/2007 01:58 AM
Heh. I've only got control issues and a messiah complex, there's no way I'm as crazy as you.
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The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,050 10
05/17/2007 02:00 AM
Why would I want to steal your t-shirt?
It would be too big for me.
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Rene 1,538 7
05/17/2007 02:42 AM
They don't have a shirt for my only disorder anyway.
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Spicey McHaggis 102,793 13
05/17/2007 02:58 AM
I am not surprised by this in the slightest.
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Rene 1,538 7
05/17/2007 03:29 AM
Please give her my number. Tell her I'll be wearing a preacher's frock.
Surprisingly there's no number in my email. I wonder if he knows "Bringing the the Sheaves".
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Undies, the Craziest Person in the Universe! 72,859 16
05/17/2007 05:00 AM
I am not surprised by this in the slightest.
Right. I've seen you nekked, and I like it. I must be crazy.
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Dogs Akimbo 158,693 11
05/17/2007 08:24 AM
Is it too late to submit my database in which I have documented all of my urinations since 1997 and which jars they are in?
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Lila Is A Rock Star 78,460 11
05/17/2007 08:31 AM
Yes. But you can tell us.
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Dogs Akimbo 158,693 11
05/17/2007 08:33 AM
I don't know you that well, yet.
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Elana 26 3
05/17/2007 09:52 AM
I'm not a whore, I'm just slightly loose.
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Humphrey 51,326 10
05/17/2007 10:30 AM
You're a soccermomming-son-of-a-bitch!
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Smokatronic, Lila's Proctologist 2,247 4
05/18/2007 07:41 AM
So having two way conversations with my dog is normal. Whew, I really thought there may have been something wrong with me. My mom does the same thing and she lives in a loonie bin.
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Millie 107,056 10
05/18/2007 01:34 PM
Yay for Undies! She's nuts!
I didn't even bother to contribute. I know I'm crazy, but there's really no way to qualify it because it permeates every aspect of my life and being.
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Undies, the Craziest Person in the Universe! 72,859 16
06/01/2007 05:49 AM
I got my Tshirt in the mail today! It kicks ass, even if it is a size too small. Pictures will not follow.
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