Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/19/2007 04:01 AM

NO PARKING

In order to promote the fluidity of vehicular circulation on this road, it is strictly forbidden to halt your vehicule, engage its transmission in a standstill position and leave it stationary and unattended in this spot.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/19/2007 04:16 AM

Go Frost Yourself

You are required to remove yourself from this immediate area, preferably to a remote location in the Sahara Desert, to commence in an act of sexual intercourse which is a near anatomical impossiblilty.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/19/2007 04:19 AM

Keep Off the Grass

Refrain from commencing bipedal locomotion upon this area covered in highly manicured minature plantlife.

Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/19/2007 04:29 AM

NO TRESSPASSING: VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE PROSECUTED

This parcel of fenced up land belongs to a grumpy individual or paranoid corporation that has expressed the wish to see his / her / its property undisturbed by the coming and going of uninvited third parties such as your sorry self. If you did not receive formal invitation to enter these grounds, you are, by reading this, forewarned of probable bodily harm should you decide to cross this fence.

Failure to comply to this warning will result in one or more discharges of a properly registered firearm in your general vicinity, with a strong tendency towards repeated attempts should the first one miss. This may in turn result in serious, even fatal injuries, for which the said owner of this property cannot be held accountable for due to the aforementioned warning.

If this notice should prove to be an insufficient deterrent, please take note that anyone surviving the several 12 gauge shots fired at them will be dragged into an unending saga of court appearances where he /she will face multiple ludicrous charges pertaining to the chain of events leading to the use of said firearm by the owner of this land.

Mount up on the wings of Chickenz 286,539 61
05/19/2007 04:31 AM

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Please listen to all our prompts, as numbers may have changed. If you would like to take a break at any time, say 10 or 12 hours, press one.

If you would like a Supreme Being of your choice to keep an eye on you during said respite, press 2.

If you feel your rest might need to be extended, say eternally, press 3.

If you would like perpetual care in the arms of the Supreme Being, male or female, or genderless mass of protoplasm of your choice, press 4.

To return to the previous menu, press 5.

If you would like to end this at any time, might I suggest you take the phone chord and hang it over the garage door opener, and....

Ring Around the Collar 3,671 9
05/19/2007 05:04 AM

<action>goes for a last one and leaves the floor to the others...</action>
911, PLEASE STATE THE NATURE OF THE EMERGENCY...


You have reached 911's interactive voice response. Pay close attention as we update choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created, press 1

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we do anything about a problem, press 2

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighbourhood safe, press 3

If you'd like us to raise your children, press 4

If you'd like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency, press 5

If you'd like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we'll not take enforcement action against you, press 7

To sue us or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge or to proclaim our career is over, press 8

To whine about a ticket, and / or to complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9

Please note your call MAY be monitored to assure proper customer support and remember, we're here to save your butts, not kiss them. Thanks for calling 911, and have a nice day.

Anh is feeling gassy 11,158 14
05/19/2007 05:52 AM

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.

If you would like to make a transaction, please wear proper attire. This includes, but is not limited to, a shirt, pants, and shoes. Service will not be provided for underclothed, or improperly clothed customers.

Sakon 595 9
05/19/2007 06:12 AM

...yeah, I got nothin' I fell asleep just trying to read the entries.

Dogs Akimbo 211,588 32
05/19/2007 07:20 AM

Beeeep!

Hi, you've reached Dogs's threadmail. If you would like to show him your tits, please press one. If you would like to post a clever retort, please press two.

If you'd like to try and explain that thing with the praire dogs and butter, press three. If you would like to press four, please press four.

If you would like to show him your tits, please press five.

Otherwise, stay on the thread and a pervert will assist you shortly.

Dogs Akimbo 211,588 32
05/19/2007 07:21 AM

Your response may be recorded for training purposes.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/19/2007 07:44 AM

Thank you for calling Movie Phone!

Thank you for keeping me in this job, you ignorant ass monkey. You could look up any of this information online, or in the newspaper, or even by driving your happy ass down to the theater. But you refuse to do anything for yourself, you lazy Shakespeare, so I get to annoy the Frost out of you with this voice.

If you'd like the showtimes for...

Captain Snork and the Soldiers of the Future 45,655 12
05/19/2007 07:53 AM

Turn off your cellphones

Um, did you know that 8,956 children are killed every year by strangers? And your child is the what with the who now?

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
05/19/2007 01:09 PM

DO NOT ENTER


This street has been designated for travel in the west by northwest direction only. It is not advisable that you enter the street at this point as you will be traveling south by southeast. For your convenience we have place directional treadles at the base of this opening that will help to keep you from inadvertently traveling in the wrong direction. If you would like detailed instructions on the proper use of this street, please honk once, or stay in the car and a representative will be available to assist you shortly.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
05/19/2007 07:49 PM

How about lunch?

In order to maintain our friendship and/or business relationship, what do you think about the idea of gathering one day in the foreseeable future, at a time to be mutually set at or around twelve o'clock, in a dining establishment in which we will be able to engage in private, yet casual conversation while partaking in delicious nutritional goods, which will be served at our table in exchange for monetary compensation?

SnipeZC 40 6
05/19/2007 09:06 PM

Watch Your Step "going down an escalator"

"For your safety and the safty of the people below and behind you please be careful not to trip,fall,stumble,slip,or collapse due to imminent danger of perpetual falling"

SnipeZC 40 6
05/19/2007 09:10 PM

edit "up escalator" sorry :P

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
05/19/2007 10:23 PM

This is the actually sign hanging on the gallery door:

Gallery Closed for Rehanging. Please ring for Special Business.

Sometimes I feel I should be writing something closer to this:

Due to the changing closure of one exhibition and the necessity of installing the forthcoming exhibition, the gallery is closed to the publiCarrollil further notice. While paintings and/or drawings and/or sculptures and/or prints are being removed/added/replaced, please take note of the following:
- If you are arriving on necessary gallery business, ie: pre-arranged deliveries of post and/or works of art (including but not exclusive to paintings, drawings, sculpture and prints) and/or other scheduled deliveries and/or appointments, please press the button to the right of the door frame, and a gallery worker will be with you in a moment.
- If you are arriving on unnecessary gallery business, including but not exclusive to being an artist seeking representation and/or an inquiry whether we are open and/or a request to view the process of removing/adding/replacing works of art and/or seeking to sell knives, bedsheets or any other product without a prior appointment, please Frost right off.
- If your inquiry includes checking our regular opening hours or the date and/or artist of the forthcoming exhibition, please look to your left at the large display or at the posters you passed on your way to the door, both of which display all of the information you require and more, you incredibly obtuse moron.
- If you are on unnessary gallery business and/or making a stupid inquiry and choose to use the button previously mentioned as reserved for necessary business, please do not be surprised if you are met with rude or abrupt service, including but not exclusive to sneering, angry and/or sarcastic comments, the door slammed in your face, etc.

Thank you and have a lovely day.

Mushroomer 31 6
05/20/2007 03:40 AM

Please Turn off Your Cell Phones at This Time

If you would mind in the slightest, please open your cellular communication device, and place it in the "off" position so those around are not disturbed by your automated tone that is played when another communication device attempts to contact you. Please do this (what is mentioned above) at this moment in time rather than waiting and having the idea of such a process slip from your mind, thus making this message without any sort of purpose to you untill you see it again in the future.

Immagine that son of a bitch rolling past you every time you sit down to a movie.

The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
05/20/2007 04:10 AM

On an unrelated note, has anyone ever walked into one of those restaurants with a "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign wearing no pants?

'This is madness!' 'Madness? This. Is. BRIHAAAM!' 38,843 10
05/20/2007 04:42 AM

No, no, if you want a 911 automated message to be really bad, you put the option you actually want at the very end. Like so:

Hello, you have reached 911 emergency rescue service. Please have information ready.
If this is not an emergency, please press 1 to be redirected.
If you have a complaint, please push 2.
If this is a personal call to a particular officer, please press 3
etc. etc...
If you have an emergency, please hit the pound sign and we will connect you with the next availible receptionist.
*beep*
You have pressed the star sign to have the options repeated. Please wait until all options have been repeated before dialing.

Chi Chi Felipe 161,353 14
05/20/2007 02:53 PM

The music to which you are being subjected to is of a nature so extreme in its marriage of rhythm, beats, and lyrical prowess as to render attempts at matching it utterly futile.

U CAN'T TOUCH THIS.

Hollis the Great 7,284 14
05/20/2007 07:19 PM

BURN IN HELL

You have offended me in some way, form, or fashion either by words or by deeds. Therefore, I demand that you go from living to deceased at this moment, and send your soul to the fiery lake of Hell.
If you are an athiest, please press 6.

Humphrey 51,764 12
05/21/2007 02:08 AM

Aroungry

The mental image conveyed in your message has both increase my appetite and the tightness of my pants.

Marjod 1,942 9
05/21/2007 03:30 PM

Handicapped Parking Only

In a futile attempt to promote equality among the populous, this 16' x 10' parking area has been designated for use by the following demographic archetypes:

Paraplegics, quadraplegics, old people, shut ins, gimps, cripples, or any other person or persons that are incapable of traveling more than 20' to the entrance of this establishment.

USA Sarah 30,601 8
05/21/2007 09:30 PM

Parking For Expectant Mothers Only

It is the intention of this retail establishment to designate this service area thats specifically for parking your vehicle closer to our front doors and for means of convenience for human females that are currently pregnant and can't walk their fat, lazy asses 10 more feet.

Pumpkin Noggin-Mis peler xtrodenar 56,642 8
05/22/2007 03:50 PM

<action> picks the one that really burns him up</action>
Updates Ready for Download

The system has detected that there are security patches and/or new features to upgrade and eventually crash your PC, that have been complied into a packet that will take aproximate 5 days and 3 hours to completly download to your system, and an adtional 14 days to load, rendering your PC useless for work while we do so, only to complete in time for another round of updates.

Ghost2 109 7
05/22/2007 04:02 PM

Don't Shoot!

Please refrain from discharging the firearm you have trained on my compatriots and myself. Such action may inadvertently cause physical harm to myself and those around me.

I'll be back. (Said with austrian accent)

I will now be leaving to attend to other matters that require my attention. I intend to return at a later time to resume our current business.


That's what she said.

A presently unidentified female has previously vocalized an independent thought representative of the one you have just recently expressed.


See you later.

I bid you farewell, dear associate. May we once again meet to resume our various affairs.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
05/22/2007 04:11 PM

Hi, you've reached God.

Due to an high volume of prayers all of my incarnations are busy at the moment and we are experiencing extended response times. Your worship is important to us. To expedite your request please choose from the following options. Please listen carefully as dogma is periodically revised to current social conventions, i.e. exorcisms are no longer available on the general prayer line.

To leave a general prayer press 1 and begin speaking at the sound of the hymn.

To beg forgiveness for yourself, press 2.

For gambling related prayers, press 3.

For promises to go to church regularly and be a better person in exchange for requests, dial 4.

For general thanksgiving, press 5

For, "Why", and other such fundamental questions please hold for as long as you wiShakespeare won't bother us.

If you or a loved one are about to die and are requesting a reprieve please remain on hold for the next available manifestation of divine grace. Calls will be answered in the order they are deserved.


If you reached this line in error during orgasm please hang up now to avoid debits against your soul, and by the way, we can see you.

Pram- shaken, not Lila 80,728 42
05/22/2007 10:41 PM

Don't Chew With Your Mouth Open.

As much as we like to see food mixed with vomit mixed with semen in your gaping maw that could pass for a hole that someone just haphazardly knocked into your head with a blind mallet throw, it is neither entertaining, nor so much as mildly amusing to view said particles of fecula(1) which your mandibles appear to delight in gnashing into like the arms of a small child around its teddy bear.


1: Fecula is butthole tartar.

Pram- shaken, not Lila 80,728 42
05/22/2007 10:51 PM

Paraplegics, quadraplegics, old people, shut ins, gimps, cripples, or any other person or persons that are incapable of traveling more than 20' to the entrance of this establishment.

At work our handicapped parking spot is at the wrong end of the store. I've actually seen disabled people pull up to the spot right in front of the door.*


*Then I saw them bounce off the door they walked into because I locked it!

Pram- shaken, not Lila 80,728 42
05/22/2007 10:57 PM

Stay Tuned

Please enjoy our complimentary 20 minutes of commercials that we have been able to pressure the network to have the show's 10 minutes written around.

Your Designer 172 8
05/23/2007 03:09 AM

For English, please press 1

In you can understood this introductory message, congratulations! We at Ameritech welcome all Anglo-Saxons with at least an eight-grade education to continue communicating with us by pressing the key with a numeral one on it.

Para continuar en Espaol, salga por favor de nuestro pas, a menos que usted pueda limpiar mi tocador, cocine mi alimento, y escoja mis manzanas.

Dr. Penguin of the Arctic Alliance of Evil 395 8
05/23/2007 04:02 AM

Honk if You're Horny!

In the event in which your genitals become fully or partially engorged, please tap lightly on your horn to notify the driver ahead of you of your immediate neccesity of intercourse.

KingMikeII 354 7
05/23/2007 11:53 AM

Sold Out

Due to unforeseen circumstances, there has been a mishap in the logistical management of this particular product. Aeons ago, in a warehouse far, far, away, the item that you are seeking to purchase was plentiful in supply. Alas, mass consumer interest and subsequently intense transactions have rendered this product absent from our shelves. Attempts will be made to communicate with our supplier at some point in the near future and replenish our stock. If you wish for this message to be repeated, please read it a second time. For any other enquiries, ask an employee of this store who will be happy to help you. Have a nice day.

ChristianLinnell 2 6
05/23/2007 01:51 PM

Road Closed

Unfortunately we must inform you, the operator of a motor vehicle, of the incomplete and/or unservicable condition of the portion of vehicular carriage-way ahead of your current position.

To avoid damage to your vehicle or person, please refrain from continuing your travel along this vehicular carriage-way, and attempt to find an alternate path to your destination of choice.

peasaresorepulsive 191 6
05/23/2007 07:20 PM

Smell this.

Because i would so earnestly like to verify that either a) this is ordor is pleasant and not offensively rank to those around me or b) i am not experiencing the phenomenone of nasal hallucinations, please bid me this favor of kindest sorts and proceed to conduct an organoleptic analysis.

peasaresorepulsive 191 6
05/23/2007 07:36 PM

wash your hair

Noble friend that i am, i thought it would behoove the both of us for me to inform you that while we were exchanging vocal messages, my eyes analyzed the perimeters of all your extremeties and finally drew gaze upon your shoulders. Though they are perfect in form i am sorry to inform you that they were mired by the uncomely sight of a pearl-shaded substance somewhat resembling Christmas in July. This phenomenon is known to man as the shedding of desecrated cranial ephithelial cells. In order to halt this process or reduce its manifestations, please be sure to utilize a solution which is a cocoction of dandruff reducing chemicals, homogenized bases, and perfume extracts. These solutions work best if this process is then followed by rinsing the dead, keratin based strands with a substance consisting of two molecules of hydrogen one molecule of oxygen, and cancer-causing chemicals the government has impregnated your showerhead with. Repeat this process at a frequecy of 5 times per seven day period at 36 hour intervals.

Meanrock Destructotron 5,469 7
05/23/2007 08:06 PM

Caution - Failed Challenge

Entertaining the preceeding abundant attempts to resuscitate a hopelessly futile challenge turned abortion may in fact lower the count of cellular activity in the brain effectively lowering your intelligence making you stoopider.

Jimmy Mac 130 6
05/24/2007 02:17 AM

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Shouldst thou wish the hairy offering of thy pate to be cleansed, squeezeth the contents shampoo bottle into thy hand until an amount thou feel'st to be sufficient is expelled. Then shalt thou rub thy hands together vigorously, until the shampoo becomes as light and frothy and bubbly as a gurgling mountain glen. At this juncture, and without pause, tickle thy scalp with this newly effervescent unguent (cuckolds: be mindful of thy horns.

At this point, shouldst thou wish the hairy offering of thy pate to be further cleansed, squeezeth the contents shampoo bottle into thy hand until an amount thou feel'st to be sufficient is expelled. Then shalt thou rub thy hands together vigorously, until the shampoo becomes as light and frothy and bubbly as a gurgling mountain glen. At this juncture, and without pause, tickle thy scalp with this newly effervescent unguent (cuckolds: be mindful of thy horns.

Jimmy Mac 130 6
05/24/2007 02:18 AM

Aaaugh! I left out the 'rinse' portion! I suck at this game....

Jimmy Mac 130 6
05/24/2007 02:22 AM

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Shouldst thou wish the hairy offering of thy pate to be cleansed, squeezeth the contents shampoo bottle into thy hand until an amount thou feel'st to be sufficient is expelled. Then shalt thou rub thy hands together vigorously, until the shampoo becomes as light and frothy and bubbly as a gurgling mountain glen. At this juncture, and without pause, tickle thy scalp with this newly effervescent unguent (cuckolds: be mindful of thy horns). Then shalt thou tip thy head toward the watery spigot of thy shower, letting the dihydrogen oxide loose the soapy foam from thy follicles in a beautiful and baptismal lavement.

At this point, shouldst thou wish the hairy offering of thy pate to be further cleansed, squeezeth the contents shampoo bottle into thy hand until an amount thou feel'st to be sufficient is expelled. Then shalt thou rub thy hands together vigorously, until the shampoo becomes as light and frothy and bubbly as a gurgling mountain glen. At this juncture, and without pause, tickle thy scalp with this newly effervescent unguent (cuckolds: be mindful of thy horns). Then shalt thou tip thy head toward the watery spigot of thy shower, letting the dihydrogen oxide loose the soapy foam from thy follicles in a beautiful and baptismal lavement.


Sorry to slow you down.

Your Designer 172 8
05/24/2007 03:05 AM

You won't believe it, but I was just thinking of doing a Rinse. Repeat, and then scrolling down, I find someone just beat me to it!

However...you failed to intepret the "correct" meaning of Repeat.

The legend goes that a clever writer (probably someone at P&G's agency) added the word to I think a Revlon product and sales spiked 40%.

It is unecessary to repeat(edly) be ripped off by haircare product marketeers.

SJH: chime in if you know "The rest of the story..."

Pram- shaken, not Lila 80,728 42
05/24/2007 09:12 AM

This thread died.

This thread is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't kept bumpin' 'im, 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-THREAD!!

Memorial services will be held tomorrow at Arby's. Present your free unsolicited email from Pram Maven and get a free beef hat!

SquishedKitty 168 9
06/08/2007 04:19 PM

EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK THANK YOU

To prevent further health inspections drama and threats from senior citizens, wash your god damn greasy-from-flippin'-too-many-burgers, Shakespeare stained hands before returning to your so called "cook" position. And get a real job while you're at it. Thank you