Celebrity Cellulite
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 06/13/2007 06:39 AM | 9808 views
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 We're spending a few weeks in California at the end of July. My wife recently complained to me that she doesn't look "beach-ready."
"So what?" I responded. "I'm not even yard-ready."
"That's different," she said. "You're a guy."
"You look great," I reassured her. "Besides, for every hardbody, there will be at least three softbodies."
"No. The ratio is lower in California."
"Are you kidding me? Haven't you seen those celebrity cellulite photos?" I happened to be on the computer, so I Googled "celebrity cellulite."
"Look, honey," I showed her. "Here's a little shmear of butt cheese on Sharon Stone."
(Courtesy The Skinny Website)
"That doesn't count," she argued. "She's in her 70's."
"Well, then," I countered, "check out the bum dumplings on Eva Longoria."
(Courtesy gossiprocks.com)
Now, I should note that my wife does not have any cellulite at all. I made her stand up so I could have a look. She did have a small insect bite, but that is much easier to lose than ass yogurt.
"What do you mean, not beach-ready?" I demanded. "You already look better than Beyonce!"
(Courtesy gossiprocks.com)
"Check out those mashed potatoes and gravy," I said, my eyes glued to the screen. Jade had already left the room, which was great, because now I could surf celebrity cellulite in peace.
Some of these celebrity sites are so mean. Paris Hilton can't help it if she has a few moon craters. (Well, actually she can, through expensive triactive laser dermology treatments.) You know, maybe the lighting was bad. Maybe she had just sat down on a fried mozzarella stick.
(Courtesy some weird Frog blog)
There are only a few celebs that really should not be going to the beach. After exhaustive research, here are my top three offenders of Buttocks Au Gratin:
1) Britney Spears. I'm so old that I remember the day when we wanted to see Britney naked. Now, the only part of Britney that we haven't seen is her uterus. And it's only a matter of time until graphic X-ray photos of her uterus will "accidentally" slip out of a medical folder while she gets out of a limo. But even that will be better than this:
(Courtesy losethelumps.com)
2) Star Jones. We can only assume there is a little joey hiding inside her kangaroo pouch.
(Courtesy Gawker)
3) Donatella Versace. The famed Italian fashion designer has some baked mostacciolli on her ... hang on. Oh my Lord, that's her face.
(Courtesy Laineygossip.com)
Jade came back in an hour later, and I was still surfing celebrity gnocchi. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm trying to make you feel better."
It didn't. But I present my research to you now, in order to boost the self-image of every other woman who reads this.
Except for the women above. They'll probably feel pretty bad.
(For further boosts to your self-esteem, try reading through our caption contests for Britney Spears, Star Jones, and Donatella Versace.)
Sir John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the bestselling Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
14 votes
4.4
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0 votes
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Hammerhead
06/13/2007 06:47 AM
Do all of these constitue flooding?
And they're all Frost-ing nasty.
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0 votes
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Millie
06/13/2007 07:46 AM
Yay! Finally, I have the body of a Hollywood star!
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The Sage of Seattle
06/13/2007 07:51 AM
I so wish I could clickie you for that, Millie!
Even though it isn't true.
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Millie
06/13/2007 08:38 AM
What the Frost is THAT supposed to mean?
Rosie O'Donnell and Roseann Barr are still considered stars, you know. Maybe not A-list, but still.
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miss meg, if you please
06/13/2007 10:07 PM
aw, what a sweet thing to do for your wife.
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Taco McSocialista
06/14/2007 07:25 AM
You know, most of those stars don't have cellulite on their lower legs either.
To be totally sure, we will have to see your wife's ass in a bikini. Only fair for comparison.
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The Sage of Seattle
06/14/2007 07:27 AM
Yeah John! What Taco said! I mean, you know, since the request came from another chick, that means that it isn't dirty or anything.
Honest!
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Taco McSocialista
06/14/2007 07:40 AM
Also, I am still waiting for the Taco earrings you got with the fake credit card at Tiffany's. I mean, how many other Tacos do you know?
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Your Designer
06/15/2007 09:05 AM
I cannot even believe HH has the nerve to call those women nasty when he can't even see his own dick. If you're a fat Frost, you don't get to make fun of other people's fat. Rules.
Myself: I'm fat-phobic. And my wife doesn't have any cheese whatsoever--and she's 50! But I'm a skinny little Frost, so I can go about making fun of Wal-Mart shoppers from the Midwest and South.
But not you Shark Boy. You better stick with making fun of Liberals, Gays, Jews, Blacks and anyone else you rednecks might want to tow behind your F150.
Wanna see some more Spear-mint yogurt? www.celebritystruck.com
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Cinderblock
06/26/2007 09:15 PM
Wow. I haven't felt this bad about my own body in a while.
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