Fratberry 283,028 53
06/21/2007 08:18 PM

Read Skippy's posts.

syncope 49,019 14
06/21/2007 08:20 PM

Vicodin and scotch.

Undies, the Craziest Person in the Universe! 101,398 77
06/21/2007 08:21 PM

Sex always works for me.

A-No-Knee-Mousse 769 7
06/21/2007 08:22 PM

The hammer plan sounded pretty good.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/21/2007 08:23 PM

Arsenic.

Straw 98,005 37
06/21/2007 08:24 PM

YIM with me.

KChikita with a Jumbo Shrimp! 128,334 98
06/21/2007 08:24 PM

I've heard that honey contains a natural sedative. Maybe if he ate enough of it before bed...

Titty Slickers 54 5
06/21/2007 08:25 PM

Masterbate to a bipolar Russian amputee while listening to the Power Rangers theme song.

BlaiseMilla 67,044 13
06/21/2007 08:26 PM

Watch Al Gore's movie.

Robin® 14,626 10
06/21/2007 08:29 PM

Watch "What the Bleep?" Awesome concept, real snooze.

Fantasia also knocks me out.

mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/21/2007 08:29 PM

drinking a honey/ turkey/ warm milk/ decaf tea milkshake

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/21/2007 08:30 PM

Sex always works for me.

Nutbutter is old. Sex would probably have the same consequence for him than my lousy suggestion above.

syncope 49,019 14
06/21/2007 08:31 PM

Sex always works for me.

Undies, in most cultures it's considered a bad thing when you fall asleep during sex.

mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/21/2007 08:31 PM

getting stabbed with tons of tiny needles (acupuncture)

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/21/2007 08:35 PM

Go to a baseball game involving the Kansas City Royals.

Fratberry 283,028 53
06/21/2007 08:36 PM

Eat a turkey sammich the size of his head.

Fratberry 283,028 53
06/21/2007 08:37 PM

Have BIG sit on his chest. Again.

mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/21/2007 08:41 PM

catnip tea, and i'm serious it's been known to work

Chi Chi Felipe 161,353 14
06/21/2007 08:44 PM

When I can't sleep, I drink until I pass out, sometimes in bed.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/21/2007 08:52 PM

Do about 4 or 5 hits of acid 24hrs before you want to go to sleep. Works everytime.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
06/21/2007 08:53 PM

Sex always works for me.

We're trying to put me to sleep, not my wife.

Snorkatronic 45,655 12
06/21/2007 08:56 PM

Drugs.

Duh.

syncope 49,019 14
06/21/2007 08:56 PM

Watch eight hours of CSPAN coverage.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/21/2007 08:57 PM

Listen to all the movie descriptions available on Moviefone.

syncope 49,019 14
06/21/2007 08:58 PM

Horse tranquilizer.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
06/21/2007 08:59 PM

Sex always works for me.

Yeah, but it doesn't put you to sleep.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/21/2007 08:59 PM

I imagine Nutbutter reading some of the suggestions in this thread and thinking, "Oh please, please don't make me do this."

mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/21/2007 09:02 PM

listen to my wife, or any woman for that matter, talk about her day

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
06/21/2007 09:03 PM

I would suggest Chamomile tea. Though it's only really funny if you have a severe allergy to ragweed.

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
06/21/2007 09:07 PM

Camberwell Carrot. And if that's too obscure for you to understand, well, Frost you.










OK, I'm feeling charitable.

Robin® 14,626 10
06/21/2007 09:09 PM

There is also the herbal remedy of Velerian root. For comedic effect make tea out of said root. To be able to take and keep any of it down buy the capsule form.

It smells like dirty vomit.

Robin® 14,626 10
06/21/2007 09:10 PM

That should be Valerian. Apparently the e decided to upstage the a.

KChikita with a Jumbo Shrimp! 128,334 98
06/21/2007 09:13 PM

I'd like to see Nutters eat this in one sitting! (approx. 3.5 lbs of natural goodness!)

Link!

Shiggety 2,286 7
06/21/2007 09:17 PM

I use Valerian root often. I second that it smells like Shakespeare the notion.

I think it would be legendary if someone tried to fall asleep standing up. Lean the matress against the wall, and pin the blankets into the wall, and you've got yourself a cozy, vertical sleeping area.

Robin® 14,626 10
06/21/2007 09:18 PM

Because of marching band I did learn how to doze standing up.

mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/21/2007 09:21 PM

lay in a tub of warm jello, that'll put him right to sleep

Tweak 18,881 12
06/21/2007 09:40 PM

Hold your breath until you pass out. If that doesn't work, try it with your face in a bowl of water.

Undies, the Craziest Person in the Universe! 101,398 77
06/21/2007 09:46 PM

<action>notices far too late that teh Haggis is posting</action>Sex always works for me.

I meant to say that I always fall asleep AFTER the sex. AFTER. You know, because my husband is such a stud and all - he wears me out. Yeah, lots of orgasms and stuff. That's what I meant to say. After the sex.

Undies, the Craziest Person in the Universe! 101,398 77
06/21/2007 09:47 PM

Sex always works for me.

We're trying to put me to sleep, not my wife.

Wait, your wife has had sex with Spicey?

BlaiseMilla 67,044 13
06/21/2007 09:49 PM

Has he tried reading Prank the Monkey?

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 8
06/21/2007 09:50 PM

Counting sheep actually does work. I'll lay there picturing little cartoon sheep in my head and see how long I can count up, and I usually end up boring myself to sleep.

I've also tried warm milk, cold chocolate milk, red wine and shaking my head.

Yep, thats right. Just lay there flat on your back, and shake your head as fast as you can back and forth. It makes you dizzy and sleepy. I swear it works.

Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
06/21/2007 09:54 PM

Do you have a gun?

Stone Cold Bikiniasaurus 62,262 18
06/21/2007 10:24 PM

Has he tried reading Prank the Monkey?


Has he tried mailing Prank the Monkey?

Cause you know, guilt trips can cause anxiety and anxiety is one of the leading causes of sleeplessness according to a recent survey done by SCBU.

Rinpants 0 5
06/21/2007 10:35 PM

2 bottles of wine always puts me out.

Fratberry 283,028 53
06/21/2007 11:00 PM

Hopefully when you're hit over the head with them.

Declan McManus, Medicated for Your Protection 131,887 36
06/21/2007 11:47 PM

<action>only read title</action>


Has he been pissing on the rug again? Has he been humping the UPS man's leg?

Phuc 237,919 21
06/22/2007 01:20 AM

Go to the Natick Mall and dis a black mother. Make sure that you're not wearing anything that would pad fists or bludgeons.

Thud 68,506 19
06/22/2007 01:31 AM

First, sodium pentathol IV followed by...



I know, that wasn't what you meant.

Word of the Day 48 5
06/22/2007 02:13 AM

A night out drinking with the Hoff

beachchick14 144 8
06/22/2007 02:28 AM

First run five miles uphill, then take a warm shower, drink some tea laced with cough medicine, and you should fall asleep...
but i just hope you don't have a waking up problem

Bean 8,602 19
06/22/2007 02:29 AM

I third (or fourth) the Valerian root. Works like a charm.

A very very rancid smelling charm.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/22/2007 02:41 AM

I'm a veteren insomniac.
1) Reading. (doesn't work, but you feel smart)
2. Counting sheep. (I start with them jumping over the fence, I end up with them being led into a slaughter house. Not very sleep inducing)
3. Nyquil (no sleep, Shakespearety taste in your mouth.)
The only thing that works with any regularity is swimming and working out until I'm exhausted, and crawl into bed. At which point you wake up sore. Have fun, there.

YeOleSmurf 299 6
06/22/2007 02:50 AM

I always have had trouble sleeping. One thing that has worked for me is watching "Kate and Leopold" with the directors commentary. Try it, it works!

Thud 68,506 19
06/22/2007 02:58 AM

Smurf, I'll see your "Kate and Leopold" and raise you "Barry Lyndon".

Phuc 237,919 21
06/22/2007 04:22 AM

Serious.

Deadly serious.

Closet Friend #1004 7,665 11
06/22/2007 04:47 AM

Nutbutter will spend a week trying the funniest insomnia remedies...

Warm milk.  And a taser...

Jonn Hargrave 0 0
06/22/2007 06:21 AM

When I can't sleep I smash kittens with a hammer for a while, it's soothing.

Sakon 595 9
06/22/2007 07:19 AM

all you have to do is bring a pillow to the computer and try to read through all of the suggestions on how to defeat your insomnia...it worked for me!

I also have insomnia and I have tried many things to help me sleep. Over time I've developed a cool way to force myself into sleep. I just lay in bed close my eyes and imagine me in really cool and masculating situations. For instance I'll imagine my self lost in a huge maze filled with weird monsters and other weird Shakespeare in which I'll have to battle with with my hands and over exagerated shiney muscles. Of course I'll be dressed in Connan the Barbarian's man suite with Princess Layla in her slave outfit at my side. Of course we'll have heavy intercourse on top of giant monsters that I kill, which look suspiciously like shaq, by crushing it's head between my boulder like thighs.....I'll keep adding overly nifty elements to the whole thing until I eventually get so into it I'm asleep before I even know it..............did it work? is he asleep yet?

Hammerhead. Accept no substitutes. 59,399 14
06/22/2007 07:25 AM

No, I think he's wide awake and angry now trying to read your post with the atrocious spelling and gramatical errors.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/22/2007 07:34 AM

I'm still awake too. It's 2:49, and nothing's working. Ah well, I suppose I'll piss away the rest of the night(?) on Gab. Fun times.

Phla's not crazy because John said so 131,068 34
06/22/2007 07:40 AM

Read this, and click every link on the thread. Should do the trick eventually.

Sakon 595 9
06/22/2007 07:45 AM

no Hammerhead, I'm sure he's not an uptight prick who is obsessed with picking apart peoples replies....Your Simon Cowell arn't you?! Grammatical is spelled with two m's...how about that.

Hammerhead. Accept no substitutes. 59,399 14
06/22/2007 07:47 AM

I didn't pick it apart. I just pointed out it was flawed.

And I made one typo. Sue me.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/22/2007 09:12 AM

No luck.

Chix 286,539 61
06/22/2007 01:49 PM

A couple of pots of coffee.
*snicker*

Lila: Preggers and Loving It 78,555 13
06/22/2007 02:04 PM

You know what? He never posts anymore. I say Frost Nitwitter. He doesn't care abous us, why should we care that he's not sleeping?

MoloW 20 6
06/22/2007 02:15 PM

while laying down keep your eyes focused on something across the room, blinking is optional.
Eventually your eyes will become tired and make you fall asleep.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
06/22/2007 03:19 PM

I say Frost Nitwitter.

John, what is the budget for this article? Is there enough to fly Lila up to Boston so she can help me out with her suggestion?

ainokea 10 6
06/22/2007 03:22 PM

Go streaking through a football team's practice, find the largest and most menacing linebackers, point at them and call them gay. Run.

Snorkatronic 45,655 12
06/22/2007 03:33 PM

Nutbutter should do that thing that vets or shelters do to help insomniac puppies and kitties. I'm not sure what it is, but it does work 100% of the time.

Taco McSocialista 61,976 36
06/22/2007 03:37 PM

60% of the time it works every time!

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/22/2007 07:58 PM

1- Have someone drive you around in your car seat.

2- Have a big someone craddle you around or rock you in a chair.

3- Have you're mom or dad sing you to sleep.

4- Try a new pacifier.

5- Have someone nurse you.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/22/2007 08:00 PM

For practical advice the room must be warm or cool enough; and soft bedding along with soft pj's if worn. Some monotonus noise helps me like a fan running or my husband reads to me.

The Sage of Seattle 36,465 8
06/22/2007 08:08 PM

Has he been humping the UPS man's leg?


Shhhh, Declan! Mailman's gonna get jealous if he finds out!

Munkus 2,801 10
06/22/2007 08:57 PM

Sprinkle a few drops of that liquid stuff on your pillow, whats it called, i forget the name.

Ah yes: chloroform.

gingerbird 0 5
06/22/2007 10:31 PM

Here's a recipe for Fir needle Tea-- Add 1 cup of boiling water to 1 tsp. of washed and chopped fir needles. Steep for two minutes, then strain and add 1 tsp. of honey and drink slowly. Yum.

KChikita with a Jumbo Shrimp! 128,334 98
06/22/2007 10:36 PM

Eww.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/23/2007 09:34 AM

Pine needle tea is good; but only when it's hot.

SquishedKitty 168 9
06/23/2007 11:05 PM

It smells like dirty vomit.

So what does clean vomit smell like?

The High Priestess, Bite my gloirious golden ass! 58,948 29
06/23/2007 11:51 PM

I suffer from insomnia for a few months every year. I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I always put my blanket and pj in the dryers for a bit to get them fluffy and warm and then take one of these. It doesn't make you go to sleep, but it relaxes you so you can sleep. By the time my pj's are done and I'm snuggled in bed, the pill has kicked in and I drift off to la-la land. Or I wet the bed.

Zorkital 32 6
06/24/2007 02:03 AM

Take an orange, a butter knife and a jar of creamy peanut butter to bed. Once under the sheets, peel the orange and rub the inside of the peel under each eye. Careful not to get juice in your eyes!

Then spread a thick layer of peanut butter all over the orange and eat it.

This MUST be done while lying down!

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/24/2007 02:36 AM

Make a donation to PFLAG or Human Rights Campaign to salve your conscience...

Pram Flambe' 80,728 42
06/24/2007 05:59 AM

Give him some sex.

ObeseExplosive 3,430 7
06/24/2007 06:25 AM

Is the old yeller solution viable.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/24/2007 08:16 AM

Entries made at like 3AM should be void.

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
06/24/2007 08:19 AM

Read Skippy's posts.

He said funny Emerson.

Frogpop - I AM asking for it! 173,153 25
06/24/2007 08:35 AM

That someone would voluntarily agree to read your posts is funny.

And he said crazy, Emerson.

What crazy things should Nutbutt try in order to catch some winks?

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/24/2007 10:00 AM

Big giant crystals under your pillow; and or matress. Sort of like the princess and the pea.

Try drinking your own freshly delivered urine.

Do stuff you hate; nothing tires you out faster the doing your taxes or cleaning out the attic.

Sheep hair-fur is supposed to be relaxing so try sleeping on a sheep.

Fezig 3,711 7
06/25/2007 07:28 PM

Go watch Sleepless in Seatle. Any Tom Hanks / Meg Ryan movie should induce zzzzzzzz's quickly. Of course that movie also had Rosie O'Donnell in it so you might also have nightmares about being eaten up by an oversized, repugnent, obxious beast that is so freaky it could scare the Shakespeare out of T-Rex or his wife.

But hey it's worth the chance right?

Marmite - 100% Yeast 12,955 12
06/25/2007 07:41 PM

Your Simon Cowell arn't you?!

Oh the sweet, sweet irony.

Skwach 2,480 11
06/26/2007 06:58 AM

I readjust my sheets and blankets every five minutes. The constant kicking and flapping wears my flabby ass out.

Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
06/26/2007 12:58 PM

lots of caffine does it for me.

/ pram 80,728 42
06/26/2007 04:53 PM

Slip some rohypnol in his drink.

Jihad Joe: The Real Arabian Hero 6,067 8
06/26/2007 06:44 PM

One word: Stateoftheunion

Devildog 538 6
06/26/2007 07:17 PM

Onion sliver sniffing?

Pubah 56,805 18
06/27/2007 12:30 AM

In the words of the immortal Richard Pryor, "Why don't we make love reeeel hard for an hour, then slip into a coma."

mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/27/2007 03:09 PM

nutbutter should try rubbing Capzasin on his nuts, that'll put him right to sleep, or burn his nuts off.

either way i'm happy

Snofferol 129 7
06/27/2007 09:24 PM

I would say listen to Paris Hilton's post- lock up interview, but really one ought to stay awake for that, just in case there are any stories of semi-legal Paris abuse. Instead, pretend to read the SCUM manifesto- you don't even have to really read it to fall asleep.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/27/2007 09:51 PM

hundreth post!

I HATE: mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/27/2007 10:16 PM

and you wasted it.



YOU BASTARD!

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/27/2007 10:25 PM

have him do what most male (and some female) Gabbers do: masturbate, cry, drink,and sleep

KateetaK 37 8
06/29/2007 03:44 AM

Best remedy: Die.