Thud 66,695 17
06/29/2007 05:15 AM

Large knife.
2 cups boiling water.
2 4x4 sterile gauze pads.
cellphone.

First, put down the knife, you could hurt yourself. Place one gauze pad over each eye. Pour boiling water over your head. Use cellphone to call 911.

When you are in the hospital getting skin grafts, ask them to look at the boil for you.

Frogpop - I AM asking for it! 173,113 25
06/29/2007 05:17 AM

Oh, Declan is good at this one. Something about covering the area with a warm washcloth for a long time.. I can't remember if it's just repeated soakings or if you get to lance the sucker.

Thud 66,695 17
06/29/2007 05:20 AM

Frogpop, it think it's both. Repeated soaking until it comes to a head, then you lance it. Infection control is important if you lance it.

</serious>

Livewire 78,229 12
06/29/2007 05:23 AM

I've been doing the soakings. It's having no effect.

Thud 66,695 17
06/29/2007 05:26 AM

Try here.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/29/2007 05:27 AM

Go to a doctor!

Two if by Jane 173,911 15
06/29/2007 05:29 AM

Oddly enough, I have one on my upper ass/hip. Not even two minutes ago I was Frost-ing with it (I never could leave things alone) and this bloody pus came pouring out. It was nasty. The color made it look like my ass boil was taking a Shakespeare. A really runny Shakespeare.

Livewire 78,229 12
06/29/2007 05:31 AM

Aroungryn't!

The Mailman, workal poster 174,473 52
06/29/2007 05:56 AM

I have a boil on my neck. It hurts. A lot. I want it to go away. How can I make it die?

Get it tattoed.

Millie 116,854 28
06/29/2007 07:07 AM

I wonder if it's going to grow a face and start talking, like in that movie.

What a weird coincidence! You found me the name of that movie, and then the same thing happens to you as the guy in the movie!

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/29/2007 07:23 AM

Millie, I'm never doing anything for you.

Mount up on the wings of Chickenz 282,028 58
06/29/2007 11:35 AM

Jane has reached the first step in boil eradication. Xacto dipped in alcohol and jammed in there till you get to the pus bit. Then squeeze the Shakespeare out of it to get it all out. Be amazed at the amount. THEN CLEAN EVERYTHING WITH ALCOHOL. Bandage.

Repeat as necessary until it stops pussing up.

Or, since it's on your neck, go to a doctor to avoid messy arterial damage.

Phuc 237,453 20
06/29/2007 11:36 AM

Can we also use this method to get rid of Skippy and Sage?

Undies, the Craziest Person in the Universe! 99,723 76
06/29/2007 12:06 PM

This thread is gross.

The Neeplets waved multi-coloured Lilas! 35,005 15
06/29/2007 12:28 PM

...says the poster who caused me to get in the habit of cutting my onions into teeny tiny pieces that can in no way be described as a "sliver."

Miss. All White Meat Trixxie 65,014 14
06/29/2007 03:00 PM

There's an over the counter medication call Boil-eze, that draws out boil. Wash the area well apply generously and cover with a bandage. My daddy told me his 100% Cajun grandmother used to make a poultice an ingredient of which was ground up salt pork and it would heal a boil in a day.

Biff Hickory always delivers the goods. 49,000 13
06/29/2007 03:03 PM

There's nary a boil alive what can't be cured with an ol' fashioned cheese grater.

Jacobpants 13,437 10
06/29/2007 04:35 PM

Lucky.

I never can get boils and weird zits. My boyfriend gets them once in a while but he always gets rid of it when I'm not around. It makes me sad.

This thread is useless without pictures?

Shell Belle 76,640 24
06/29/2007 04:39 PM

I never can get boils and weird zits

Does that mean you want to?

Jacobpants 13,437 10
06/29/2007 04:47 PM

I think it implies it.

Chit 178,088 15
06/29/2007 04:48 PM

When you order your sandwich today, make sure to use the phrase,

"slathered with mayonnaise!"

and then watch to see where their eyes go to.

Miss. All White Meat Trixxie 65,014 14
06/29/2007 04:54 PM

as opposed to straight males who are obnoxious inside and outside the bedroom.

Chance- Parties like a rockstar. 171,220 14
06/29/2007 05:02 PM

Ive never had a boil but since Ive said this Im sure that I will have one in the morning.

Robin® 14,626 9
06/29/2007 05:05 PM

I had one under my arm. My underwire kept digging into it. It hurt. It popped in the shower.

The end.

hisboyelroy 10,617 12
06/29/2007 05:28 PM

quit being a wus and just pop it.

The Jerk 6,291 9
06/29/2007 05:37 PM

Dude at my work had a boil the size of a tennis ball on the side of his neck. Turns out it's cancerous. Nice knowing you.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/29/2007 05:40 PM

How the hell did it get to be the size of a tennis ball???

I HATE: mothcleaner 3,704 9
06/29/2007 06:07 PM

he didn't use the cheese grater, now quick go

Live from D.C., it's shadesofgrey 5,445 7
06/29/2007 08:18 PM

The Surefire Way To Get Rid Of A Boil.

Tools Needed: Gasoline. Blowtorch.

Directions:

1. Soak boil liberally in gasoline. This helps draw the boil out and brings all the toxins to the surface for easy expulsion.

2. Light Blowtorch and adjust flame until it reaches desired intensity.

3. Apply flame to gasoline soaked boil.

4. Repeat steps 1-3 as necessary.

The Jerk 6,291 9
06/29/2007 09:47 PM

How the hell did it get to be the size of a tennis ball???

He was afraid to get it checked out because he was worried it would be cancerous. He did try popping it himself though. He said the pus reeked like hell.

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 7
06/29/2007 10:12 PM

LW, I had a boil on my thigh one time from them rubbing together so much 'cuz I was hefty.

Seriously, I could have started wood on fire with them things!

Anyways, I just took a hot safety pin and poked the sucker. It was gross, but it went away. Plus, I have a wicked scar.

Oh, and remember last month when you said your favorite bands were The Faint and Moving Units. So are mine!!111!

That means we should make out. Just sayin'.

syncope 49,000 13
06/29/2007 10:14 PM

Fat...boil...Shakespearety bands...

You have an interesting approach to hooking up with people.

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 7
06/29/2007 10:17 PM

Well, I don't have a boil now.

syncope 49,000 13
06/29/2007 10:22 PM

Wanna hook up?

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 7
06/29/2007 10:23 PM

Yes.

syncope 49,000 13
06/29/2007 10:24 PM

<action>swoons.</action>Oh my god I'm adding you on myspace and changing my status to "In a Relationship".

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 7
06/29/2007 10:25 PM

ZOMG!

Send me glitter comments, fer sure.

syncope 49,000 13
06/29/2007 10:26 PM

<action>posts 48 "IF U R IN LOVE" bulletins.</action>

Chit 178,088 15
06/29/2007 10:31 PM

Boil Bukkake



Mmmmmm!!

Pigmata 54,807 10
06/29/2007 10:32 PM

I had a boil on my nuts once.

Hammerhead. Accept no substitutes. 59,398 14
06/30/2007 03:44 AM

Holy Shakespeare! It takes a thread about a boil being painfully destroyed to bring both JP and Aimless back!

Wonder who'll show up if we bumped the Bob the Anal Fissure story?

Cinderblock 27,522 24
06/30/2007 03:58 AM

Reminds me of this...

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/30/2007 04:06 AM

Try it, Hammerhead.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
06/30/2007 04:08 AM

JP!

How's the asswall? Boil-free, I'm guessing.


Livewire: no home lancing for you. The neck is too close to the brain. If you lance it yourself and it gets infected, you're Frosted. Let a doctor lance it. Then if it gets infected, you're still Frosted but at least you have someone to sue.

miss meg, if you please 1,967 0
06/30/2007 04:09 AM

and beat the Shakespeare out of.

Happy Sack of BC Bud 13,693 15
06/30/2007 04:21 AM

This thread has got me thinking, weres nutbutter?

Bean 7,930 17
07/01/2007 12:51 AM

He's busy trying all of our home sleep remedies

buttcold 268 5
07/01/2007 02:05 AM

This guy's boil is on his neck too!

buttcold 268 5
07/01/2007 02:06 AM

Ive never had a boil

No, but your mother did and named it Chance!

Big Boobs Mcgee: Got Milk? 6,369 10
07/01/2007 02:08 AM

I need some of that Mederma there, to make my scar less .... there.

yorkydee 709 9
07/01/2007 02:25 AM

It's not a boil on your neck. It's your head you Emerson!

Livewire 78,229 12
07/01/2007 02:38 AM

I was gonna say the same thing, Hammerhead. If my boil somehow brought back the Gals of Gab, I will wear my goiter proudly.

Livewire 78,229 12
07/01/2007 02:52 AM

Hmph. Boil-Ease, despite the fact their product has a picture of exactly where my boil is, won't help. First, it's not available to Canada, and second it's nothing but Benzocaine. I might as well rub on some Lanacaine, that's all it is--a pain reliever. Which is useless because it no longer hurts.

My doctor told me just to leave it alone. No antibiotics, no stabbing.

THIS is your great Canadian medical system, Michael Moore. They refuse to give me a little stab in the neck because, boo hoo, it might spread a tiny little staph infection. Pfft. Go and put a dress on, Dr. Pansy.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
07/01/2007 03:48 AM

My doctor told me just to leave it alone.

He's right. And don't keep staring at it in the mirror, because you know what they say: "A watched boil never pops."

Millie 116,854 28
07/01/2007 04:24 AM

Has it started talking to you, yet?

Marmite - Spreads better when hot 12,940 12
07/01/2007 11:15 PM

Woot! Wanna hear my gross boil story?

A while back I had what I thought was a zit on my shoulder, incidentally where my bra-strap sits. It got redder and redder until it looked like Vesuvius (but still, no head so no good for squeezing)

So I go to the doctors cos this is THROBBING bad. She prescribes me antibiotics for a week which like the good little girl I am I took them.

After the week was up this thing was like a second shoulder and I thought it would never go down. So one night I'm sitting on the sofa and it's itching like crazy, so I tentatively scratch the area around the pustule and my fingers come away wet.

I go upstairs to the bathroom and take my top up and note there is some "boil juice" on my top. So I position myself in the mirror so I can see what is going on.

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. This thing has a head bigger than any zit I've ever seen. It's so ripe, it's BEGGING me to pop it.

I arm myself with a wad of tissue and position myself, knowing full well this is gonna hurt. I squeeze, tentatively, then a bit harder. All of a sudden this rancid foul, cream cheese oh my sweet Jesus god-awful pus bursts worth in a huge worm of gunk. It's like someone has grabbed hold of a tube of toothpaste and squeezed it all out.

Retching ang gagging I wipe it up, squeeze some more and all this watery blood starts running down my back. When I clear it up I see the damage. A hole in my shoulder the diameter of a pencil and the skin around and under has gone all flabby. So my advice to you: Squuuuuuuueeeeeeeze that MoFo.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
07/02/2007 12:10 AM

Marmite! That story actually made me feel nauseated. Bravo!

Thud 66,695 17
07/02/2007 12:32 AM

Marmite, what did you do with the pus? Hopefully you spread it on crackers and served it to someone you dislike.

Marmite - Spreads better when hot 12,940 12
07/02/2007 08:26 PM

In fact, Thud, the resemblance to Kraft cheese spread was uncanny. (Although I would very much like to point out that I did not taste it, so cannot verify texture/flavour similarities)

Jacob's Cracker, anyone?

Fratberry 277,318 52
07/02/2007 08:47 PM

Staple a little cowboy hat to it and refer to it as your twin.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
07/02/2007 09:11 PM

rancid foul, cream cheese oh my sweet Jesus god-awful pus bursts forth in a huge worm of gunk

I think this new one is a keeper.

Marmite - Spreads better when hot 12,940 12
07/02/2007 09:16 PM

What with my big brown toilet-trout post and The Pus Worm, I'm doing quite well for orbs.

I think I've plumbed the levels of GAB. No point posting any high-brow smart-ass quips.

Aphrodite 2,261 12
07/03/2007 12:02 AM

I'm in ur boil squirting ur pus.

Livewire 78,229 12
07/03/2007 03:05 AM

It's shrinking. I think the turmeric, which I have been drinking religiously, is working.

Which sucks because I want an excuse--any excuse--to stop drinking it.

Thud 66,695 17
07/03/2007 03:19 AM

So you didn't use my suggestion?

I guess it proves turmeric doesn't rot your brain. At least it doesn't do it quickly.

Mount up on the wings of Chickenz 282,028 58
07/03/2007 12:12 PM

If you didn't let it head up and burst it, then you have missed out on one of the great experiences of life.

It's like the uber-zit.

Livewire 78,229 12
07/03/2007 11:25 PM

I've had these before, and they never come to a head. They eventually just dwindle away. As it is, it's almost gone now.

The Rockin' Donkey 77,085 13
07/04/2007 08:57 AM

Ford thought he had a boil on his neck once. It turned out to be his head.

WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
07/04/2007 09:07 AM

Based upon my limited medical and culinary experience I have NO idea what a boil is.

Thus, judging from the instructions on the package of Pasta Sides from Lipton as well as the aformentioned remedies, I will continue to order Domino's.