The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
07/05/2007 12:20 AM

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh-MOO!

Stone Canadian Bikini! 62,262 18
07/05/2007 12:26 AM

I really want to make a joke along the lines of "If you have no money, why are you on GAB? You should be out turning tricks to get some cash like a responsible prostitute/parent" but I feel kind of bad for your whole situation, so I can't bring myself to do it.


I'm a pathetic excuse for a Gabber, I know.

Thud 68,506 19
07/05/2007 12:28 AM

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Pram is funny.

Pram is fun - Frost this, I call fat daughter.

Stone Canadian Bikini! 62,262 18
07/05/2007 12:29 AM

Hey! I said I knew I was a pathetic excuse for a Gabber! I don't deserve a soccermom for it.

.HC. 16,937 8
07/05/2007 12:29 AM

<action>does her best Inigo Montoya impression</action>
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Seor !
Seor who ?
Seor mother out and prepare to die !

Stone Canadian Bikini! 62,262 18
07/05/2007 12:32 AM

Pram is fun - Frost this, I call fat daughter.


My manager at work today said he had a date tonight, to which I instantly replied "Fat Frost-ing daughter!"

It took me a few seconds of him blankly staring at me and haughtily saying "No, she's quite slim, actually" before I remembered that "fat daughter" isn't phrase used by the general public.

Humphrey 51,764 12
07/05/2007 12:32 AM

Q. Whats grey and wrinkly and old?




A. An elephants penis Sarah's grandma.

.HC. 16,937 8
07/05/2007 12:38 AM

Frost, that was out of line. How insensitive can I be?! I mean, poor Sarah!

Everything in her life is dying...her poor old granny, her daughter's birthday is going to tank, her vacation flatlined, she's dead broke, the sitter baled, the school left her dead in the water, her boyfriend's out Frost-ing cadavers, and her shrink will commit suicide before her appointment next week.

She's having anxiety attacks that kill her brain cells by the millions, she doesn't have any dead meat to feed her Poe and the only live thing in her house are ants in her kitchen.

Sometimes, there just aren't enough bridges.



<seriously> I hope things look up for you. How about going outside and blow some Shakespeare up?! That always made me feel better.

Oh hell, you know what....live a little...don't go outside, just blow Shakespeare up in your kitchen (points to the ants).

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 12:50 AM

HC, was any of that first part meant to be funny? If you're going to be insensitive, try doing it in a way that at least makes someone laugh.

Sarah, take comfort in the fact that your life will never be as bad as Pram's.

Livewire 78,229 13
07/05/2007 12:50 AM

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Grandma."
"Grandma who?"

...

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 12:52 AM

Holy Shakespeare Livewire, even the insensitive part of me can't believe I laughed at that.<action>snorts a booger on his keyboard.</action>

Millie 116,988 28
07/05/2007 12:54 AM

my boyfriend who doesn't even call me his girlfriend won't talk to me and I don't know why

Hey, are you dating Daisypie, too?

Oh, also, sorry about all the crap going on. There's a Dateline--To Catch a Predator marathon on MSNBC. It's funny in a pathetic and creepy way.

The return of the Fart Pup 432 6
07/05/2007 01:00 AM

I'd go see a doctor as soon as possible and get on the happy pills. Then don't worry about the boyfriend go out and have unprotected sex with a bunch of people.

Your outlook on life will seem much better until you get diagnosed with hepatitis or some other fun disease.

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 8
07/05/2007 01:06 AM

I don't take happy pills, my "boyfriend" probably isn't out banging chicks, he just doesn't do anything with me.

I say lets go to lunch, he says no and then a couple hours later, goes with his friends. This happens with movies also.Sarah wants to see Transformers. Guess whos at the movies with his friends watching Transformers right now?

I IM him last night asking whats up, no reply. Mind you, two months ago I got the whole "I like you talk to me again" e-mail, so what the hell?

Also, we had torrential rain last night, I havent slept yet because I was up all night worrying about grandma and crying because boys don't like me and instead of napping, I went and helped my mom ShopVac all the water out of her basement. I left that depressing part out as well.

Oh God, I'm pathetic.

Stone Canadian Bikini! 62,262 18
07/05/2007 01:07 AM

Your outlook on life will seem much better until you get diagnosed with hepatitis or some other fun disease.


Hepatitis! Weeeeee!

buttcold 268 5
07/05/2007 01:08 AM

probably isn't out banging chicks, he just doesn't do anything with me.

If he's not doing anything with you, he's probably doing things with other chicks!

The return of the Fart Pup 432 6
07/05/2007 01:10 AM

I mean you go out and Frost other people.


Stop reading and do it now!

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 01:15 AM

Stop reading and do it now!

I hear Adelaide's nice this time of year.

Stone Canadian Bikini! 62,262 18
07/05/2007 01:16 AM

In Grade 4, we got our Hepitatis B vaccinations. There were three shots spread over several days, and after each one they gave you a different little "prize" - a pencil, a sticker and an eraser I think - all saying "Look at me! I'm Hep B free!"

I say we, but I didn't get the Hep B shot, because my mum doesn't believe it in and wouldn't sign the permission form.

The irony of course is, while everyone was walking around school having just got their shot and wearing a "Hep B Free" sticker, I was in actuality the only person at that time without Hepatitis B floating around in their system.

The irony won't really get good until I die from hepatitis.

Livewire 78,229 13
07/05/2007 01:20 AM

I'm really sorry about my above post. I've been reading too much Perry Bible Fellowship.

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 01:32 AM

My friend called me yesterday. He's on holiday with his girlfriend and just remembered that he had a $50 "failure to vote" fine that was due sometime this week. I got the exact same letter and like him, I'd forgotten all about it. He asked when it was due, and I replied that I was pretty sure it was due on the 6th. He asked me to break into his room (we both live at college), get his letter and pay his fine for him, which worked out well because I currently owe him $50.

I didn't get around to it until that night, being relatively certain that it wasn't due for two days. I didn't actually look at the letters until this morning. Due by the 4th. Frost. If the prescribed penalty is not paid by the due date, proceedings for the enforcement of this penalty may be commenced in the Infringements Court. This may incur further costs. Frost.

I called the enquiries line to ask if we could still pay it without going to court. Phone number isn't available to interstate callers or mobile phones. My guess is that no one in this state will know anything about how the other state works. I could easily go to the post office and pay the fine right now, and still end up having to drive five hours to appear in court and pay another fine.

I'm in trouble. Laugh at me, please.

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 8
07/05/2007 01:37 AM

Tweak, make your own pity thread!

HMMPFT.

Millie 116,988 28
07/05/2007 01:40 AM

Sarah, it sounds like the same situation as me. Except, it isn't his friends, it's his cousin (his male cousin) he goes to the movies with, to dinner with, for walks on the beach with...

I'M NOT KIDDING.

He isn't banging other chicks. As if. There aren't many as dumb as me, (except Sarah, and she's halfway across the country--no offense, sweetie.)

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 01:41 AM

I'm letting you laugh at my predicament!

Anyway, my threads always suck. This one's meant to be sad and I've already laughed so hard at one of the jokes in here that I think I broke my brain.

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 01:43 AM

Sarah, message me on myspace or YIM or something and you can laugh at me on a more intimate level in about twenty minutes when I get back from trying to sort my Shakespeare out.

The return of the Fart Pup 432 6
07/05/2007 01:47 AM

Your fine was $50?

Ha! mine was only $25.

Millie 116,988 28
07/05/2007 01:48 AM

Damn. You guys get fined for not voting? Our government could make a fortune!

Napkin 30,762 12
07/05/2007 01:49 AM

Tweak, shut up, you're in a Shakespearety situation because you're irresponsible and stupid.

Sarah, look at the bright side, at least you're not Pram.

Pants Party 164 5
07/05/2007 01:56 AM

Sarah laughs galore at this... I bought an iPhone.





I would totally pitch in to a Save The Sarah foundation to aid in paying for your trip. I feel for you, girl. I would say IM me but I'm a straight up hardcor mother-Frosting n00b and don't need more blasting.

Pants Party 164 5
07/05/2007 01:57 AM

*hardCORE






never said spelling was my fort.... er... forte.

Lila: Preggers and Loving It 78,555 13
07/05/2007 02:07 AM

Sarah, I'll share with you one of the highlight stories from my weekend in N'Awlins.

On Saturday night after the show we, of course, hit Bourbon Street where there is, of course, one Jesus freak standing in the middle of the road handing out Chick Tracts. He's so quiet and unassuming I thought he was selling tickets until we passed by him and I turn around to see a very surprised look on his face and a very amused look on my husband's. I ask hubby what he was selling and he said, "Nothing, he's a Bible beater." I look back at the guy who's wearing a mixture of offensiveness, confusion and mild anger, then look back at hubby. "What did you say to him?", I asked. He responds with, "I simply said, Deuteronomy 13 - instead of converting us you should have killed us by now."
I look back one more time at the Christian with his mouth hanging open, Chick Tracts waving silently in the wind.
Never in my life did I more wish for a camera.

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 02:31 AM

Your fine was $50?

That's in Australian dollars. At $25 American you're probably paying more than me. Napkin, I'm definitely not denying that I'm irresponsible and stupid, but it's still a Shakespearety situation no matter what caused it.

Thud 68,506 19
07/05/2007 02:34 AM

<action>hands Tweak a mirror</action>
Just in case you're looking for the cause.

Lila: Preggers and Loving It 78,555 13
07/05/2007 02:35 AM

I'm with Mils - how the Frost are you actually fined for NOT voting?! Didn't they see that episode of South Park between a giant douche and a turd sandwich?

Also, didn't you say it was your friend you were paying for? Sounds like you're in less hot water than him in which case Frost it, who cares.

The return of the Fart Pup 432 6
07/05/2007 02:38 AM

That's in Australian dollars too, so it's still cheaper then yours.

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 04:19 AM

I believe we get fined for voting because they want to get a complete idea of what the people want. They don't seem to realize that a healthy portion of the people don't give a damn.

Also, didn't you say it was your friend you were paying for? Sounds like you're in less hot water than him in which case Frost it, who cares.

I also said that I received the exact same letter. I found an interstate phone number earlier and got told that if I fax the letter back to them, and write my reason for not voting on it, I shouldn't get fined. That means I also get to commit fraud by writing my friend's letter for him.

Weren't we supposed to be making Sarah laugh or something?

Shell Belle 77,143 25
07/05/2007 04:21 AM

Here's a joke for you:



What three words mean small?

--Is it in?

Thud 68,506 19
07/05/2007 04:23 AM

Or two words that mean small:

That's it?

The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
07/05/2007 04:31 AM

Or one word that means small:

Donk

Thud 68,506 19
07/05/2007 04:36 AM

Or one word that means small:

Donk Pram

Come on, be fair.

Filly 39,193 20
07/05/2007 04:37 AM

Man, you're all about Donk's penis today, aren't you, Thud?

shadesofgrey 5,445 7
07/05/2007 04:38 AM

Sarah,

I have ants in my kitchen too. Wanna Frost?

shadesofgrey

Tweak 18,881 12
07/05/2007 04:39 AM

I have ants in my pants, metaphorically speaking.

Lila: Preggers and Loving It 78,555 13
07/05/2007 04:43 AM

Really? There's a party in my pants! And you are accordingly invited.

Thud 68,506 19
07/05/2007 04:59 AM

Filly, isn't everything about the Coleridge?

I'n not sure what you mean, Filly.

淫 笨 狗 211,588 32
07/05/2007 05:42 AM

Q. What do you call a guy who, while riding past the circus on a red calf, gets impaled by a bunch of arrows and is still living and wants to go to the bar and drink beer to see if he'll get streams of beer coming out of him like in the cartoons. Plus, he has a monkey.

A. I don't know. But I'd like to see that Shakespeare because that would be whack.

Jihad Joe: The Real Arabian Hero 6,067 8
07/05/2007 06:27 AM

Make me laugh

It's my birthday today. No joke.

Isn't that reason for anyone to laugh?

Oh Shakespeare! Don't cry!

Pram The Asshole 80,728 42
07/05/2007 08:10 AM

Knock Knock,

Who's there?

we're coming to pull the plug on your grandma.

Pram The Asshole 80,728 42
07/05/2007 08:12 AM

Werecomingtopulltheplugonyourgrandma who?

Napkin 30,762 12
07/05/2007 08:17 AM

werecomingotpulltheplugonyourgrandma because Pram is an Emerson, so shut the Frost up.

Pram,bringin' teh funny 80,728 42
07/05/2007 08:23 AM

Nice condom in a Coleridge ring and fedora, standing (?) in front of the flag of Japan, Napkin.

My icon is one of cluelessness, what the Frost is yours supposed to be?

Pants Party 164 5
07/05/2007 08:30 AM

Nice condom in a Coleridge ring and fedora, standing (?) in front of the flag of Japan, Napkin.
My icon is one of cluelessness, what the Frost is yours supposed to be?


Nice effort but.... um, WHAT?!

Napkin 30,762 12
07/05/2007 08:32 AM

It's the flag of Banglasdesh, idiot.

Pram,bringin' teh funny 80,728 42
07/05/2007 09:35 AM

Yeah, because Bangladesh's flag doesn't have a green background...

Pram,bringin' teh funny 80,728 42
07/05/2007 09:37 AM

Nor is it spelled that way. You call me an idiot, and you're a colorblind serial misspeller.

BlueLep: Still Smoking 13,144 10
07/05/2007 09:38 AM

Or a Coleridgesucker.

Pram,bringin' teh funny 80,728 42
07/05/2007 09:39 AM

<action>shoots Blue Lep and gives him blood poisoning</action>

k4stmoon 1,143 11
07/05/2007 10:38 AM

Pram,bringin' teh funny
Ok Sarah, if this doesn't make you laugh past the point of tears, until it is actually quite painful, then I only have 3 words for you-
Dead. To. Me.

Pram,bringin' teh funny 80,728 42
07/05/2007 10:51 AM

buh?

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 8
07/05/2007 04:02 PM

shadesofgrey,

Yes.

Sarah

The return of the Fart Pup 432 6
07/05/2007 04:05 PM

Wait all it takes is to ask?

What the hell am I gonna do with three boxes of chloroform?

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 8
07/05/2007 04:07 PM

Role play?

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 8
07/05/2007 04:07 PM

Just once though, I guess.

Straw 98,005 37
07/05/2007 04:09 PM

Sarah and Millie, I don't know whether to feel better that there are other women out there, hotter than me, who are getting mixed signals from the men in their life, or just more depressed because reading your stories makes me think of something I don't want to think about right now.

Poop.

Phuc 237,919 21
07/05/2007 05:58 PM

So no one ever brings their A game to GAB until a pair of tits asks for a knock knock joke?

Robin® 14,626 10
07/05/2007 06:01 PM

There were two penguins on an ice floe, it broke in half, a penguin on each side. Before they got too far one penguin yells "I love you!" The other one yells back "Mashed Potatos!"

ǝɔuɐɥɔ 171,275 14
07/05/2007 06:06 PM

I like smashed taters.

Phuc 237,919 21
07/05/2007 06:51 PM

What's taters, precious?

Napkin 30,762 12
07/05/2007 07:28 PM

Poe-Tae-Toes.

That should be fun for anyone who's got swearbot on.

ǝɔuɐɥɔ 171,275 14
07/05/2007 07:36 PM

tators?

Robin® 14,626 10
07/05/2007 07:37 PM

Poe-Tae-Toes.

That should be fun for anyone who's got swearbot on.

That reminds me, The brand of corndogs my nephew eats is "Froster Farms," kind of hard to explain why you're laughing to a six year old.

buttcold 268 5
07/05/2007 07:40 PM

That's Foster Farms and therefore not funny. Funny is Aunt Robin can't read!

Robin® 14,626 10
07/05/2007 07:49 PM

That's Foster Farms and therefore not funny. Funny is Aunt Robin can't read!

We buy off brands. When you have to feed 7 people on $100 a week you learn to like "Cheatos."

buttcold 268 5
07/05/2007 07:52 PM

You could save some money and eliminate the most annoying of the 7 by serving Human Beef.

Robin® 14,626 10
07/05/2007 07:56 PM

They won't let me kill the 6 year old, or his mother's fetus.

Or his mother for that matter.

Chix 286,539 61
07/05/2007 09:22 PM

A young girl gets married, and due to circumstances beyond their control have to spend the wedding night in her parent's spare bedroom.

The daughter comes down to the mother in the kitchen in obvious distress.

"Mother, he just took off his shirt and his chest is HAIRY!"
"Not to worry dear. A hairy chest means he will take good care of you. Go back and enjoy."

She goes back and sees that he has now taken off his pants. She runs back to her mother.
"Mother dear. He has taken off his pants and he has hairy legs."
"Not to worry dear. Hairy legs mean he will take good care of you. Go back and enjoy."

She goes back to her bridal room only to notice that he has now removed his socks, and on his left foot, he is missing three toes.

Back to mother.
"Mother, he has a foot and a half!"
"Daughter, this concerns me. You stay here and I'll go, this is a job for mama."

Marmite - Spreads better when hot 12,955 12
07/05/2007 09:27 PM

Your outlook on life will seem much better until you get diagnosed with hepatitis or some other fun disease.

Hepatitis! Weeeeee!

Cystitis! Weeeeeee!

Sarah Chicka Wow Wow 30,601 8
07/05/2007 10:18 PM

So now today, my friend tells me that she has to go to the doctor this week. She found a lump underneath her armpit.

What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On. With. My. Life.

The Sage of Seattle 36,465 8
07/05/2007 10:22 PM

I sent a YIM invite to you, Sarah, if you wanna talk.

If not, that's cool.

friedto 6 5
07/05/2007 10:38 PM

Have a grandmas in the hospital, maybe dying, two days before your daughters birthday, a week before your vacation for which you have no money for because you don't have a sitter tomorrow for your daughter because she has no school even though its not a holiday, so you won't get paid so you can have a bunch of money for vacation, your boyfriend who doesn't even call me his girlfriend won't talk to me and I don't know why and I just made an appointment for a shrink next week. I'm having anxiety attacks, I'm out of cat food, theres ants in my kitchen, and I have my option of three bridges around here to jump off on?? There's a visine for that.

Napkin 30,762 12
07/06/2007 02:59 AM

I would laugh, but that's just not funny.

Video Gamer 275 0
07/06/2007 03:29 AM

Hey, how about a good ol' fashioned "Frost YOU" to cheer up your day?

marP 80,728 42
07/06/2007 03:57 AM

have my option of three bridges around here to jump off on??

Why would you jump off a bridge, back onto the same bridge? I thought the point was to get off of it.

marP 80,728 42
07/07/2007 10:26 AM

I hope that the cancer goes into remission, and that it doesn't affect your Grandmother's ability to dance, Sarah.

Tweak 18,881 12
07/07/2007 12:54 PM

She found a lump underneath her armpit.

It's not her boob is it?