Ima sockamama 2,940 6
08/16/2007 01:28 AM

often during labor and delivery you Shakespeare on the dr...ok funny for moms tired of everybody and their brothers hands up your Poe but scary for the dr. Oh and the best thing no one ever tells you - you are going to bleed like a stuck pig for like a month and even if you dont breast feed you will go around with huge wet stains on your shirt everytime the bundle of joy arrives....enjoy.

Ima sockamama 2,940 6
08/16/2007 01:30 AM

oops I meant cries..sorry got lost in my own happy memories.

Virnomine: My backpack has jets 79,386 11
08/16/2007 01:31 AM

They have death rays for eyes before they get their first vaccination and their first tooth is a poison one that they can use to kill Barron Harkonnen.

Chit 178,781 15
08/16/2007 01:43 AM

Be very careful not to mix up the two.

If you clip off the tip of a baby's head, it doesn't grow back and bleeds like a son of a bitch.



Boy did I have egg on my face when was demonstrating that one to my sister with my niece....

Ditdah 123,110 14
08/16/2007 01:46 AM

My sister is trying to have a baby, and wants some Irish names.

She called me last week and said "If it's a boy, what do you think about Declan?"

Virnomine: My backpack has jets 79,386 11
08/16/2007 01:55 AM

Seamus

Phuc 237,919 21
08/16/2007 10:59 AM

McCallan
Oban
Laphroig
Glenlivet
Glenmorangie
Glendanzig
Talisker

Thank you Boob Lady! 57,521 23
08/16/2007 11:27 AM

I saw the title of this thread and wondered when Al had finally become callous enough to start a thread for two pregnant women about all the ways that you could lose your child.

Then I thought 'Frost it, I'm in.'

Then I saw the first post and was disappointed.

Then I felt guilty.

Then I became ambivalent.



It's been a wild ride.

Teh High Priestess; Gab is my crack. 58,948 29
08/16/2007 11:40 AM

Your baby will be retarted. The chances for Down Syndrome are 1 to 800. Out of all the mothers giving birth on your day, I'd say you're gonna have to ship the little drooler off to an institution and try again.
















Oh wait you said scare, not be mean.

Mount up on the wings of Chickenz 286,556 61
08/16/2007 11:42 AM

It's about time for the Antichrist to be born.

Have you considered the name Damian?

Teh High Priestess; Gab is my crack. 58,948 29
08/16/2007 11:45 AM

I hear pre-natal tatoos are all the rage.

Undies, about to be a mommy again! 101,398 77
08/16/2007 12:01 PM

I'm not actually going to come and steal your kids, so you're going to have to change their Shakespearety diapers, clean up their puke and wake up at 3 am to feed them with your stretched out titties!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Mailman, workal poster 176,454 56
08/16/2007 01:05 PM

Studies have shown that fetuses exposed to modern sonogram technology are twice as likely to develop Down's syndrome.

Even more so if their mothers have been exposed to Windows Live Search popup boxes.

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
08/16/2007 01:17 PM

Lila reminds me a lot of my mom, I bet her kid will be a lot like me.

Chit 178,781 15
08/16/2007 01:28 PM

Ooohh, Score!!!

Phuc 237,919 21
08/16/2007 01:29 PM

The theme of this thread is "real things about parenting that are routine to parents but scary as Shakespeare to soon-to-be moms."

Though the very existence of Skippy should horrify parents at 1) what's out there in the dating pool; 2) what your little ones could potentially turn out to be.

Straw 98,005 37
08/16/2007 02:12 PM

Apparently with some women, when their water breaks it comes out in one goosh and that's it. For me it was gooshing all. night. long. I was in the hospital bed with stupid frickin monitors strapped to my belly. I had an IV in my arm giving me fluids, which resulted in me having to get up and go to the bathroom every hour on the hour. Imagine walking to the bathroom 9+ months pregnant, wheeling an IV with you, while non-pee liquid is running down your leg. The nurse would come in wondering why the monitors couldn't read me any more. While she was there I'd ask her to change the absorbent pad on my bed because it would get soaked with placenta fluid or whatever the hell that crap is.

This was all happening in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep. My contractions were pretty mild, but the other stuff was driving me batShakespeare insane.

Phuc 237,919 21
08/16/2007 02:15 PM

Hey! Kool Aid!!!

KChikita - 10.5 inches of pure lovin! 128,344 98
08/16/2007 02:43 PM

True story:

Hubby and I went to a friend's baby shower last weekend. On the way there, I suddenly had to pee. Not IHAVETOPEERIGHTGODDAMNNOW but I had to go. We got to the house, I said my hello's, started hugging people and felt a trickle running down my leg.

Keeping my best guest-smile on, I tried to interject into the conversation and ask where the bathroom was, but I couldn't seem to make myself heard. Finally, my friend asked if I wanted to see the baby's room. "Definitely, but first I have to piss like a racehorse." ::trickle trickle down both legs by now::

After finally peeing and cleaning myself up again, all the time wondering how many more times this type of thing was going to happen, I turned to leave and noticed a small trail of watery pee from the door to the toilet. Nice.

At least the rest of the house was carpeted.

BlaiseMilla 67,044 13
08/16/2007 02:48 PM

A lot of women get hemmorhoids after giving birth.

All those times you heard parents complain about no sleep, and you thought they were just sort of kidding around, and it probably wasn't as bad as they say- they weren't kidding around.

Virnomine: Got the 'tussin 79,386 11
08/16/2007 02:50 PM

Anal sex helps prevent hemorrhoids.

Shell Belle 77,143 25
08/16/2007 03:54 PM

Sadly, the bladder problems don't always go away after the baby comes. My youngest is almost 5, and I still pee myself a little everytime I sneeze or laugh too hard. It's like being a 33 year old Betsy Wetsy doll.

BlaiseMilla 67,044 13
08/16/2007 03:56 PM

Betsy Wetsey is a bitch.

Ima sockamama 2,940 6
08/16/2007 05:01 PM

The most common misconception is the subsequient pregnancies and deliveries will be faster....NOT QUITE. I was in labor with my last child for three days...they also decided I didn't need pitocin until the third day after which I was ready to deliver in 10 minutes..but BEST OF ALL.... the epidural didn't quite work..so the 8lb 4oz baby came out au naturel anyway and I couldnt walk for a week from the having the huge monster child in my birth canal for three days...but otherwise it was a breeze.

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
08/16/2007 05:52 PM

You must be doing it wrong, my ex popped ours out in under 12 hrs combined, both were over 8lbs and both were au natural. The second was done at home cause we're dirty hippies like that.

Taco Crunch, vitriolic dick. 61,976 36
08/16/2007 05:54 PM

My mom delivered all of us au naturale, including my 11 lb 3 oz brother.

Virnomine: Got the 'tussin 79,386 11
08/16/2007 05:54 PM

Probably because your massive Coleridge stretched her out so much, and the kid couldn't wait to come out and hear how right you are about everything.






Bwahahahaha!

Captain Skippy 41,253 13
08/16/2007 05:59 PM

My mom delivered all of us au naturale, including my 11 lb 3 oz brother.

If he was first, did the rest of you just fall out?

Taco Crunch, vitriolic dick. 61,976 36
08/16/2007 06:00 PM

He was last. My brother and I were only 8lbs and change.

Ima sockamama 2,940 6
08/17/2007 01:03 AM

Actually Skippy, it was the dumb ass dr.s who waited three days and actually placed a device on my cervix to measure the stregnth of my contractions prior to giving me the pitocin...which was all I needed. But........since you brought it up home birth is fine and dandy,but do you really want all that nastiness in your house to clean up or were you just avoiding the hospital bill? My first child almost 9lbs 13hours, second 7 pounds 5 hours and my third.......three days.

Lila Needs A Lot More Blue Clothing 78,555 13
08/17/2007 01:07 AM

Just to let you ladies know, I'm skimming over your "labor horror stories". They're not worth reading to get all worked up over since for every one of you there are just as many who tell me, "It was totally easy. I checked in at noon, baby shot out at 1 and I was home by 3."

And, Al, you can stop trying to scare me. First of all, you know nothing about pregnancy and labor and secondly there is not a damn thing I can do about things out of my control. This means I don't get scared by the stories but instead choose to just sit back and go with the flow.

Phuc 237,919 21
08/17/2007 01:11 AM

I'm not talking about labor and pregnancy--thanks for bringing it up you Carroll.

Ima sockamama 2,940 6
08/17/2007 01:22 AM

Lila I agree there really is no going back now.....but...seriously....stock up on industrial pads, breast pads and prep-H...unless you'd rather humiliate the father to be by making him go to the drugstore and buy it for you.

The Rockin' Donkey [\m<>m/] 77,546 17
08/17/2007 01:30 AM

Cash in your frequent flyer miles now, because you won't be traveling any farther than the nearest Dollar General in the foreseeable future.

Lila Needs A Lot More Blue Clothing 78,555 13
08/17/2007 01:39 AM

Well, Alpo, everyone else certainly has been sharing their labor and delivery horror stories now aren't they? And it's thanks to you, mister mister.

unless you'd rather humiliate the father to be by making him go to the drugstore and buy it for you.

I like that idea much better.

Millie 116,988 28
08/17/2007 02:08 AM

Lila, don't worry. At least you won't suffer the misery of never knowing the wonder of motherhood and spend the rest of your life knowing you will leave this world alone with no children or grandchildren to share your life with.

That should make you feel better.

SquidBoy 19,912 12
08/17/2007 09:50 AM

Taco Crunch, vitriolic dick.
My mom delivered all of us au naturale, including my 11 lb 3 oz brother.

Virnomine: Got the 'tussin
Probably because your massive Coleridge stretched her out so much, and the kid couldn't wait to come out and hear how right you are about everything.


Taco has a massive Coleridge?

Dave's not here 52,827 16
08/17/2007 08:41 PM

When you're a new parent you'll find that you compulsively have to get up every so often and just make sure the little one hasn't stopped breathing.

Which is just silly.

It happens sometimes, and you can't really do Shakespeare about it. At least small coffins are cheap.

Straw+ 98,005 37
08/17/2007 08:46 PM

You must be doing it wrong, my ex popped ours out in under 12 hrs combined, both were over 8lbs and both were au natural. The second was done at home cause we're dirty hippies like that.

Word of advice, Skippy: Don't ever say that to a mother in person or you'll be needing your ex-wife to pop your head out of your ass.

Phuc 237,919 21
08/17/2007 08:48 PM

Yeah, thank god Skippy's ex came into existence to show the women of the world that the way they been birthin' babies for the past 6,000 years (tip of the cranial cap to Chickens) is just plain wrong.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
08/17/2007 08:52 PM

I've always recommended just riding down in an elevator and then jumping right before reaching the bottom floor.

You might want to stand over a pillow, or maybe use one of those horse diapers they use for police animals in the cities.

syncope the sialagogic 49,019 14
08/17/2007 08:53 PM

I have a friend know a guy who's 28 and still lives with his parents.

Have fun with that.

Dogs Akimbo 211,588 32
08/17/2007 08:59 PM

Let's Scare Lila and Kchitckickta

This guy will be IMing your children.

syncope the sialagogic 49,019 14
08/17/2007 09:01 PM

So will this guy.


And you only have about 10 years before he starts.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
08/17/2007 09:02 PM

I meant that to be 5 Syncope. I owe you one.

syncope the sialagogic 49,019 14
08/17/2007 09:04 PM

Feel free to browse the archives and soccermom any of my numerous unfunny posts.

Dave's not here 52,827 16
08/17/2007 09:19 PM

You must be doing it wrong, my ex popped ours out in under 12 hrs combined, both were over 8lbs and both were au natural.

Just curious, but did you ever pull out after Frost-ing your wife and find your dick was wearing a watch?

Lila Needs A Lot More Blue Clothing 78,555 13
08/18/2007 12:51 AM

Come on, guys. I know we all give Skippy Shakespeare but he could not have possibly been serious when he said a woman giving birth was "doing something wrong" because it wasn't the way his lezbo ex did it.
I mean, a MAN acting like an authority on something only a WOMAN could do? Even he's not that stupid. Right?

Straw+ 98,005 37
08/18/2007 01:33 AM

I knew he was joking, but that's the sort of thing that you don't joke about. It's not a "too soon" thing so much as it's a "never Frost-ing ever" sort of thing. Kind of like "Honey, are you putting on some weight?"

Chit 178,781 15
08/18/2007 01:40 AM

Kind of like "Honey, are you putting on some weight?"


Or my personal favorite; "You're on the rag, aren't you?"

Millie 116,988 28
08/18/2007 02:37 AM

I always get a kick out of, "Are you pregnant?"

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/18/2007 04:29 AM

Girls, don't believe any of it. If raising children wasn't a wonderful and vastly rewarding thing, would I be starting it all over again just as my first kid reaches legal adulthood?

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
08/18/2007 04:29 AM

Maybe I would. I'm kind of Frosted up like that.

Chit 178,781 15
08/18/2007 04:55 AM

Whistler, everyone needs a certain amount of misery in their lives.

You quit drinking a long time ago...what else have you got?

Phuc 237,919 21
08/18/2007 12:34 PM

I mean, a MAN acting like an authority on something only a WOMAN could do? Even he's not that stupid. Right?

Skippy's Republican?

The Rockin' Donkey [\m<>m/] 77,546 17
08/18/2007 01:37 PM

I knew he was joking, but that's the sort of thing that you don't joke about.

I think you're at the wrong website.

Straw+ 98,005 37
08/18/2007 01:45 PM

Or I was using that line to set up another joke.

Lila - deserving of your scorn and hatred 78,555 13
07/19/2008 01:31 AM

Heh, revisiting this forgotten thread almost exactly one year later has made me chuckle. Especially since 98% was bullShakespeare that never even applied to me, seeing as how I didn't have natural childbirth.

I like the self-righteous bitches I met who gave me lines like, "I was in labor for 6 days" just to seem heroic when they were actually more transparent than my living room windows. And whoever it was who said I would leak no matter how I delivered must have given birth to another species because no liquid has ever come out of my titties. Thank goodness!

Nachos - Sociopaths of the world unite! 57,521 23
07/19/2008 06:10 AM

I didn't notice the date when I saw this on the list and assumed it was recent. Luckily I noticed before I found an inflammatory piece on child abduction in the US.

Nachos - Sociopaths of the world unite! 57,521 23
07/19/2008 06:15 AM

And when I say luckily, I mean disappointingly.

Phuc 237,919 21
07/19/2008 07:58 AM

Jeez, Lila. Bitter much?

Lila - deserving of your scorn and hatred 78,555 13
07/19/2008 10:11 AM

Duh.

Pubah In teh Morning 56,805 18
07/19/2008 10:40 AM

No liquid came out of my titties

Cause yo BabyDaddy ain't suckin dem rite.

Nachos - Sociopaths of the world unite! 57,521 23
07/19/2008 10:43 AM

The thought of Pubah with a nursing fetish leaves me even more disturbed than usual.

Pubah In teh Morning 56,805 18
07/19/2008 10:47 AM

Good...


...now go freshen up, your tortillas are limp.

Shelly Bell-ee 77,143 25
07/19/2008 11:25 AM

I didn't have natural childbirth.


I'm convinced c-section is an easier recovery. I know, I know, they say it isn't, but after seeing all of my friends and relatives who delivered normally sitting on their little doughnut pillows for a month afterward, I have to wonder. I recovered very quickly from both of my sections.

And I never had the boob leakage either, Lila. I guess we were lucky?

Pubah In teh Morning 56,805 18
07/19/2008 11:32 AM

<action>Decides there's nothing 'natural' about expelling a 4 to 13 pound, living organism from one's </action>

Hats off to those of you who have...


...Happy Mothers Day in advance.

i'am rock lobstah 18,568 33
07/19/2008 11:54 AM

I know it's a little late, sue me.

My sister is trying to have a baby, and wants some Irish names.

I have a goddaughter named Oephia.

Pubah In teh Morning 56,805 18
07/19/2008 12:04 PM

Eugenia
Maureen
Scarlett

GrammarNazi - Call Me Grammarista 954 5
07/19/2008 12:59 PM

My niece's kids are Rowan and Ridik.

My sister had cesearean with both her kids. The first one went without a hitch. On the second one, the doc didn't get the epidural in the right place. They cut on the outside and everything was fine. They started cutting on the inside and she nearly came off the table. They had to knock her out to finish.

i'am rock lobstah 18,568 33
07/19/2008 04:47 PM

Babies are born without kneecaps. They grow in during pre-school years, like age 18 months to 3 years.