a. In the event that a roommate takes the invitation and two or more roommates are out at the bar, club, or gangbang, no one is obligated or expected to pay for anything but their own purchases.

i. In the event that a roommate declines the invitation citing lack of funds, the inviting roommate can choose to invoke "on me." This obligates the inviting roommate to purchase no less than three rounds of drinks or one meal, however the inviting roommate has sole discretion over the drink/meal choice. The inviting roommate can offer the completely hollow "get whatever you want" gesture, but the mooch can request specific brands of alcohol or different food items ONLY if they do not cost more than the inviting roommate's selection.

a. Any roommate leaving to shop for groceries, toiletries, fast food, etc. is obligated to ask any roommates in the immediate vicinity if they need anything from whatever locale the departing roommate is visiting. "Immediate Vicinity" is defined as the living room because anybody sitting in there is going to ask where you're going anyway.



b. Any roommate requesting items be purchased and brought back for them is required to provide cash to fund the transaction. In the event that the requestor has no cash, AND the item(s) requested equals less than $20 (USD), the requesting roommate is allowed to ask if he "can get you back tomorrow."



c. In the event that a roommate requests food or drink, the request must be kept as simplistic as possible. Food items cannot be ordered with additional components: do not ask me to get you a sub sandwich with lettuce, tomato, onion, avocado, sprouts, and lite mayonnaise. You will get a bag of chips. Further, food items cannot be requested delivered without the usual standard ingredients. If the menu says it comes with bacon, you're Frost-ing getting it with bacon. Be glad I'm getting your food and quit bitching about your special order.

i. In the event of severe food allergies, this rule is open to interpretation by the roommate making the trip.

a. Violation of this policy is not likely to be immediately addressed; in the event that there are more than two roommates, the victim and the non-participant(s) will convene to discuss what a huge Frost-ing prick you are and agree that they hate you.

i. If there are only two roommates, the victim reserves the right to scrub his taint with the offender's toothbrush without the offender's knowledge. This punishment may be enforced regardless of the number of roommates.

a. Particularly potent or "righteous" bowel movements obligate the offending roommate to close the goddamn door and, if applicable, leave the fan running.



b. Failure to abide by this rule obligates the other roommates to intimately discuss the details of the offender's bowel movements (including but not limited to smell, duration, offensiveness, and staining of porcelain) with any guests, especially women, at the first opportunity.

a. Failure to abide by this rule means that the discovering roommates are obligated to hoot, holler, and otherwise cajole the offending roommate and his partner in the hopes that they will totally Coleridge block him.



b. All roommates are required to expound upon the virtues or horrors of their romantic encounters with the other roommates afterward.

i. Roommates are prohibited from discussing sexual encounters with any roommates of genuinely different sexual orientation on the grounds that it will surely be a Frost-ing gross story.

1. If you have a roommate of differing sexual orientation he is either trying to convert you or hoping you're trying to convert him. Sometimes the stars align.

Millie 116,988 28
09/15/2007 03:21 AM

I liked your article, though I must disagree on one thing.

NO FOOD IS COMMUNAL.

At least that was MY rule when I had roommates. I didn't want anyone touching my damn food.

TWSS - Oracle of the mighty Priest Al 27,416 24
09/15/2007 04:06 AM

SLOPPY SECOND!!

Roommates are obligated to purchase a large scented candle
that will sit on the back of the toilet or a nearby flat surface.

Do you really want an open flame in there with all that gas?
Stick with Febreeze Air Effects, it's less risky.

Chit 178,781 15
09/15/2007 04:37 AM

Roommates can be very close, but the minute you start formulating grocery lists and picking out frozen garlic bread together you are no longer roommates; you are lovers.


A more true statement has never before been written!

I loved the article.

Thanks for reminding me...I'll take "lonely" over "having a roommate" any day of the week.

(unless of course "being young again" came with the roommate option.)

FM 5-19 Chapter 6 3,163 6
09/15/2007 05:16 AM

I gotta agree with millie there, Frost the communal food, if I come home at 5am and want some Frost-ing chips, and there are no chips in the kitchen, with or without an IOU note, I'm gonna Frost-ing kick down the roommates door and sodomize him with the Frost-ing mop.

You forgot to add in:
-Roommate using your soap/shampoo.
-Buying his share of toilet paper.
-"borrowing" one of your razors without asking, those things aren't Frost-ing cheap.
-Not flushing (that one drives me nuts

Cinderblock 27,578 25
09/15/2007 08:01 AM

Suprisingly, I get along very well with both of my room mates.

Let's see how long it lasts.

Daves not here. 52,827 16
09/15/2007 03:02 PM

I laughed so hard blood came out of my nose.

Don't worry, it wasn't mine. Great article.

Phuc 237,919 21
09/15/2007 03:17 PM

Syncope for chairman of HUD!

The High Priestess of the Church of Zug 58,948 29
09/15/2007 06:20 PM

Great Artical

Bean 8,602 19
09/15/2007 08:47 PM

The one and only roommate I had, used metal utensils on my teflon coated pans, thereby scraping the teflon off of certain parts of the pan. Other than that, it wasn't bad having a roomie for a while. Good article tho.

Millie 116,988 28
09/15/2007 11:45 PM

I've had many roommates in my lifetime, and I'd much prefer being alone. I'm not lonely--it's peaceful.

The only person I ever lived with who I didn't end up hating was my ex-husband. But I did end up dumping him, anyway.

One thing he did that I couldn't stand was he would eat up most of something and leave LESS THAN one serving. One day there was a bag with, literally, THREE raisins in it.

How many times was I craving that leftover lasagna or potato salad all day long at work, only to get home and find a Frost-ing mouthful left!

No matter how many times I bitched at him about it, he still did it. Textbook passive-agressive behavior.

I would much rather some slob eat all the food than just leave a little bit just to be spiteful. And I have had roommates who ate all my food and drank all my booze while I was working three jobs and going to school.

Although I guess I should be thankful--back then I was a size two!

Dogs Akimbo 211,588 32
09/17/2007 07:29 AM

How many times was I craving that leftover lasagna or potato salad all day long at work, only to get home and find a Frost-ing mouthful left!

As I'm reading this, I'm imagining Millie as Della Reese in Harlem Nights, yelling at Redd Foxx:

"Benny, you put this orange juice back in here, ain't nothin' left but a swaller!"

Chit 178,781 15
09/17/2007 07:40 AM

Then swallow it and shut the Frost up!

--Redd Foxx


Dogs, I thought the same Frost-ing thing

Dogs Akimbo 211,588 32
09/17/2007 08:04 AM

It's a cryin' shame we can't orb each other for those swell posts.

Miss. All White Meat Trixxie 65,026 15
09/18/2007 01:05 PM

My rule on room mates is simple, never live with anyone you aren't Frost-ing.

Capn Bella Roughnight 98,005 37
09/19/2007 05:39 PM

That was very good!!

Les Manturd 283,028 53
09/20/2007 10:26 PM

That. Was. Awesome.

Beezus 160 5
09/22/2007 08:00 AM

I see..what if you walk in on your Roomie in,say,the living room where he's beating off to American Idol?Or when he's left dirty nut-prints on your sink after giving himself one of his famously ineffective "Ho's baths"?