The Do NOT Frost-ing Call List
A comedy article
by .HC.  16,937  8
12/06/2007 03:15 AM 1572 views
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I'm starting to experience the wonderful onset of menopausal hot flashes, so I was already a little bit cranky. It was a bad day for the telemarketers to be calling every 75 minutes, especially when my phone number is on the "Do Not Frost-ing Call" list.
Add it up. Menopause, stress, and a phone that won't stop ringing, and it's a recipe for the surreptitious underpinnings of justice. This would be the umpteen-gazillionth time I've asked these sons-a-bitches to take me off their call list in a week and a half, and I've had enough.
It's illegal to impersonate a police office or make any threats, so I carefully scripted what I was going to say. I had my notes and my cellphone, and now I was ready for these sons-a-bitches.
My phone rang, and I answered in a most authoritative voice:
 Me: Agent Zugowski. Department of Circuitous Affairs, this call is being recorded.
INDIAN GUY: [*sputter*] Umm ... uhh ... [*sputter*]
Me: This is Agent Zugowski. Hello?!
INDIAN GUY: I, uhh, this call is recorded too.
Me: Are you calling to report a homicide?
INDIAN GUY: Oh no! Of course not!
Me: Sir, this is a secured line. What is your name?
[Grunting sounds; did this guy just crap his pants?]
INDIAN GUY: My name is Patel, but I did not kill anyone!
Me: Mr. Patel, sir, what is your address and phone number?
INDIAN GUY: I work for ADC, my company collects on dead accounts.
Me: Dead accountants?!
INDIAN GUY: No, no, noooo! I am looking for Mr. Isaac Schwartz!
(At this point his English is going downhill fast and he's dreaming of Siddhartha and rivers in India)
Me: Mr. Patel, there is no Issac Schwartz at this address or phone number. (As I've told them a Frosthundreth times before.) You've reached Internal Fairs. Are you reporting terrorist activity?
(At this point, I'm thinking it's time to turn up the heat, so I tell the poor bastard that I've already traced the line. Then I tell him to hold on for a second, pretending that someone else in the room is talking to me. I muffle the phone a bit to make it seem like I don't want him to hear the conversation in the room. And it's for times like these I have a nice montage of pre-recorded military/police sounding bullShakespeare on my cellphone, and play it back so the guy thinks some orders are being given and some heavy Shakespeare is about to ensue.)
RECORDING: "Lieutenant, we've located the caller in sector 26. His Bu-No is verified as FNG. QVC confirms it. We've got him on a 10-54d (possible dead body). Call him in as an 11-26 (an abandoned bicycle)."
INDIAN GUY: Um, excuse me, please. Hello? Hello? Are you there? I didn't...
Me: (Cutting him off) Do NOT hang up. We have verified your location and eunuchs are responding.
INDIAN GUY: (He's clearly shaken and seems to be weeping) But, I ... I...
Me: Mr. Patel, tell me where you were this morning between the hours of 7 and 11 a.m. (Slurpee anyone?)
INDIAN GUY: I am work all morning long! I just call for bills, for bad accounts to be paid. I tell you the truth, I have done nothing wrong!
Me: If you haven't done anything wrong, then why are you calling this classified division?
INDIAN GUY: I *must* have the wrong phone number! I am SO sorry. I will remove it from all of our databases immediately!
Me: (Muffling the phone again, talking to other "agents")
INDIAN GUY: Hello? Sir, I am so sorry for my mistake! I have no number for you now. They are all erased, I promise. Please don't ... Oh my God. I ... this was a misunderstanding!
Me: Agent Akimbo has just verified your employment and you are indeed a 51-50 (mentally disturbed). Mr. Patel, you will need to remove this phone number from all of your databases to avoid persecution.
(At this point, he didn't know whether to Shakespeare or go blind.)
INDIAN GUY: Oh yes, yes! I already ... it's done, erased!
Me: Next time be careful, you know ... with who you call, or you might accidentally end up with a POV (I think this means "Privately Owned Vehicle"). Do you understand?!
INDIAN GUY: Oh, thank you for clearing up this wrong call!
Me: You're welcome. Now you can do your part by keeping a look out for terrorists and reporting any suspicious activity. Alright?!
INDIAN GUY: Oh yes, most certainly!
Me: And you'll never call this number again. Right!?
INDIAN GUY: Never!
Me: Good man.
INDIAN GUY: Thank you and goodbye!
Me: Goodbye, Mr. Patel.
I hung up the phone and sat at my kitchen table for a minute, thinking about how much fun that was. And then I laughed. I must've laughed for a good ten minutes. I laughed so hard I cried. After the tears and hot flashes dried up, I went about making a huge batch of cranberry orange muffins for the rest of the afternoon, with not one phone call interrupting me. Imagine that.
Menopause has its advantages.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
44 votes
3.3
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0 votes
0.0
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Ban Bad Karma 2,480  11
12/06/2007 04:19 AM
All RIGHT. Finally we get some real articles. Kudos, very funny.
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0 votes
0.0
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SquidBoy 19,912 12
12/06/2007 08:01 AM
INDIAN GUY: Hello? Sir, I am so sorry for my mistake!
So HarvardChick has a dick, huh?
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0 votes
0.0
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Nappy 30,762 12
12/06/2007 08:38 AM
You know, it's not telemarketing when they're calling you to try to collect on a bill.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
12/06/2007 04:11 PM
Haven't I read this exact thing before somewhere?
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0 votes
0.0
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El Caganer in a manger 67,049 13
12/06/2007 04:15 PM
I've heard a similar one. A guy pretends he's at a murder scene and he's a detective and tells the caller he's now a suspect.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
12/06/2007 04:47 PM
The likelihood that this conversation actually took place is 63% less than the liklihood that a television viewer read a secret message spelled out in lights during the halftime show at the super bowl.
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0 votes
0.0
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The British Guy 398 5
12/06/2007 05:22 PM
"and eunuchs are responding"
Hahaha.
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0 votes
0.0
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Gold, Fratberry & Myrrh 283,028 53
12/06/2007 05:33 PM
This article was Shakespeare.
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0 votes
0.0
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Nachos 57,521 23
12/06/2007 06:28 PM
I liked it, but then I'm just a rebel like that.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
12/06/2007 07:12 PM
Just to be fair, I forced myself to re-read it with an open mind and ask myself what I would think if someone other than H.C. had written it.
And my answer was that I would still think H.C. was an annoying twat.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pram Likes His Stocking STUFFED! 80,728 42
12/06/2007 08:37 PM
I thought it was funny, but it would have been better if the INDIAN GUY was really from the IRS trying to collect on back taxes. I know they don't communicate by phone, but it would be awesome, still.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,590 32
12/08/2007 03:05 PM
Agent Akimbo has just verified your employment and you are indeed a 51-50 (mentally disturbed).
I am so getting a badge with Agent Akimbo on it.
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0 votes
0.0
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tunguska1969 0 5
12/09/2007 09:54 PM
this is a total ripoff from a radio show, that's been going around the net for quite some time. http://www.influks.com/post739.html
..if you'd like to hear the original
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0 votes
0.0
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SquidBoy 19,912 12
12/10/2007 07:06 AM
I considered pointing out that it was old, but I thought it'd be more fun to point out that (if this call really did take place), the Indian dude thought she was a dude.
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