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Official entry in our ZUG Stimulation Contest. Entries are now closed; rate this article to determine the winner!
ZUG Stimulation Contest: "Optimus Primed"
My husband got an early Christmas present this year: a 15-disc DVD set of Transformer cartoons. Since then, all his free time has been spent in front of the television. Basically, his hobby surrounding Megatron has become a Megadrag on our sex life. So when ZUG offered me a chance to try out the new Stimula sex lube product, I eagerly accepted.
The sample came in a metal container, but sadly, I could not get it to shift into its robot form.
My husband made it completely clear right from the beginning that he had zero interest in using the product. He's never had a problem with keeping his carburetor cranked, but I think he was scared I'd compare his piston to Bumblebee (both are cute and useful, but smaller than the average Autobot).
He admitted he was concerned about Stimula's main ingredient being propylene glycol, which he said is a special type of antifreeze. Now I personally believe that transforming battle robots would find that helpful -- especially during the cold season in upstate New York -- but instead of starting an argument, I decided to test the product without my husband's help.
Applying Stimula to Megatron had the desired effect: I tried stroking him for a while, and he never fired his cannon a single time.
Jetfire is one of the largest of the good guys, and in this case size definitely made a difference -- I had to use three packets of Stimula to properly lubricate his crankshaft. Alas, no matter how much gel was applied, Jetfire had difficulty staying excited.
This did not matter to Megatron.
Tired of playing with action figures, I once again turned my attention to my favorite boy toy. This time, I was a lot more aggressive with my marketing, and was successful in convincing him to turn away from the TV.
By that time though, I was sick of having slime on me, so I made my husband take matters into his own hands. With the help of Stimula, the session did last a lot longer than the normal commercial break.
Also, by the time he was finished, his fingers were numb because of the benzocaine found in the gel, so he was unable to push the buttons on the remote.
Thanks Stimula!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
51 votes
4.3
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0 votes
0.0
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Chit 178,088  15
11/17/2007 03:02 AM
Awesome article!
Awesomer nipples!!
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0 votes
0.0
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Fratberry 277,318 52
11/17/2007 03:14 AM
SHTOINK!
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0 votes
0.0
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BlueLep 13,144 10
11/17/2007 07:39 AM
Nippers...
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
11/17/2007 10:47 AM
Bizarre, awesome and nippleriffic.
Well done!
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0 votes
0.0
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Generic Instant Mashed Tators 171,220 14
11/17/2007 12:07 PM
Did you rub stimula on your nipples?
Awesome job!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Zolducken 87,649 31
11/17/2007 01:29 PM
Wait, just so I'm clear... are those Undies' nips?
Or Spicey's?
I'm not sure how to feel right now.
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0 votes
0.0
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TIM-MAH, esq. 4 5
11/17/2007 02:11 PM
Well, I dunno what's more disturbing, Barbie porn or Transformer porn?
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0 votes
0.0
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Shell Belle 76,640 24
11/17/2007 04:17 PM
That was hilarious!
So what did Spicey think of you defiling his action figures like that?
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0 votes
0.0
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Pram's Special Dressing 78,176 40
11/17/2007 06:22 PM
I read that article and vomited. Thanks, retroperistalsis!
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0 votes
0.0
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Undies Loves Spicey Sausage Stuffing 99,723 76
11/18/2007 11:26 AM
Spicey wants me to say that "smaller than the average Autobot" really means that he's well endowed. Most Autobots are over 8 feet tall, and when considering the proportions...he's ginormous.
Really.
Please click - if I don't win this contest, I might get a divorce.
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0 votes
0.0
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Phuc 237,453 20
11/18/2007 05:33 PM
So arourobogusted.
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0 votes
0.0
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Spicey McHaggis 114,978 33
11/19/2007 11:44 AM
the session did last a lot longer than the normal commercial break.
But that's the beauty of the DVD box set. No commercials!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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We want some Fezigy pudding... 3,711 6
11/19/2007 02:07 PM
If you had used too much...you could have called him Starscream.
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0 votes
0.0
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Hamburger Helper 455 6
11/19/2007 04:42 PM
...I think it's hilarious how it looks like Jetfire is trying desperately to escape Megatron's wanton advances in all the pictures. Great article and images...!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Spicey McHaggis 114,978 33
11/19/2007 07:12 PM
Jetfire struggled like mad, but just couldn't escape. Now I know why Megatron was the leader of the Decepticons despite his many failures. He kept his pimp hand strong. Even though he lost an arm in the war, he was able to forcibly sodomize an enemy combatant much larger than himself. Starscream could never match that.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Spicey McHaggis 114,978 33
11/23/2007 12:17 AM
Hey, I'm not the one who lubed up Megatron and tried to jerk him off.
You're lucky that Shakespeare worked, though. Megatron's fusion cannon could've vaporized your hand.
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0 votes
0.0
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The thud of the axe on the turkey's neck 66,695 17
11/23/2007 12:19 AM
<action>gets out of chair and starts walking out of thread</action>
On that note, Spicey, it's time for me to go over there.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Generic Instant Mashed Tators 171,220 14
11/23/2007 12:21 AM
Hey, I'm not the one who lubed up Megatron and tried to jerk him off.
Youre only lying to yourself man.
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0 votes
0.0
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Undies Loves Spicey Sausage Stuffing 99,723 76
11/26/2007 03:31 PM
I thought I'd let everyone know we started watching Disk 6 last night.
"The Desertion of the Dinobots" - Parts 1 & 2.
*sobs*
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0 votes
0.0
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Spicey McHaggis 114,978 33
11/26/2007 04:00 PM
Actually, part one was the last episode on disc 5. You kinda have to start disc 6 if you want to know if the Dinobots ever come back.
I won't spoil it for you here.
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0 votes
0.0
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Under the mistletoe 99,723 76
11/29/2007 02:39 PM
I think it's obvious that I married the right nerd, but the thought still makes me want to cry.
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0 votes
0.0
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Under the mistletoe 99,723 76
11/29/2007 10:56 PM
uh, yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.
Vote for me!
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0 votes
0.0
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That's right, it's Jingle Thud 66,695 17
11/29/2007 10:57 PM
Vote for Undies. She's much cuter than I am.
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0 votes
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Under the mistletoe 99,723 76
11/29/2007 10:59 PM
Yeah, but I heard your nipples were perkier.
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0 votes
0.0
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Zippy the Monkey 77,085 13
11/29/2007 11:50 PM
At least they are higher off the ground.
I'm going to take your word for that.
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0 votes
0.0
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Under the mistletoe 99,723 76
11/30/2007 06:42 PM
Your boobs also have more hair.
I think.
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0 votes
0.0
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mothcleaner 3,704 9
11/30/2007 06:48 PM
Shameless Bump #2
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0 votes
0.0
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mothcleaner 3,704 9
11/30/2007 06:48 PM
or 3, whatever, i lost count
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0 votes
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Under the mistletoe 99,723 76
11/30/2007 06:58 PM
What? I'm supposed to be ashamed?
I showed my cootch for a peanut butter and jelly sammich. This is for $200.
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0 votes
0.0
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mothcleaner 3,704 9
11/30/2007 07:09 PM
I said shameless, and it's ok cause you are teh funny!
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0 votes
0.0
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drunkenfart 4,871 6
12/11/2007 03:33 AM
i just wanted to add that if you go to her myspace page, her daughter is hot.
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0 votes
0.0
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Spicey McHaggis 114,978 33
12/11/2007 08:12 AM
Don't look at my daughter. I'll cut you!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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gaviocks 24 4
10/27/2011 08:07 AM
hahahaha!!! I wish some robots will do that thing and mostly the last picture I wish there were no shirt at all.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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UnderWhere? 99,723 76
10/27/2011 02:21 PM
Um, thanks. I guess.
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
10/27/2011 04:43 PM
Damnit! The chafing and soreness just about clear up and some retard bumps this thread.
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Store
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