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Official entry in our ZUG Stimulation Contest. Entries are now closed; rate this article to determine the winner!
ZUG Stimulation Contest: "Porno for Pythons"
When I submitted an entry for the ZUG Stimulation Contest, I just threw out the first idea that came to mind. Since I have snakes at home, I figured I could use the Stimula sex lube product on one of them, and see what happened during feeding time. It seemed like a simple test:
1. Put the goop on the snake, throw in a mouse and watch what happens.
b. Write about the squeezing of the mouse.
4. Profit.
That's not exactly how things turned out.
First, let's meet the two participants in the experiment. On the left, we have a tin of Stimula brand personal lubricant for women. On the right, we have a 12-year-old female ball python.
Since this is a sex product, I decided to set the mood for the snake's benefit. I put on Barry White's Greatest Hits, lit a few candles, and put out the closest thing to porno for pythons I have.
I opened the book to page 222. Snake orgy picture. What a bunch of scaly pervs.
Now that the mood was set, I began applying the lubricant to the snake. Right away I discovered a problem. Trying to hold on to a pissed off, greased up snake, while taking pictures, turned out to be more difficult than I expected. I ended up with a thrilling collection of photos of the floor, my feet, a nice one of a ceiling fan, and a few of pictures of the wall.
I waited an hour or so for the snake to calm down before putting the mouse in her cage. This was where things started to depart from the planned experiment. The snake ignored the mouse. She was actually just staring out the side of the cage. Before anyone says it, I know snakes have no eyelids, so they always seem to stare. Trust me, the snake was staring out of the cage, not at the mouse.
Maybe something was wrong with the mouse? I took the first mouse out of the cage and dropped in a different one. She ignored this mouse, too. I knew she was hungry, as I had spotted her trying to dial the number for the local Chinese food delivery earlier. But she kept staring out of the cage. Then she actually lifted herself up and looked over the side of the cage.
Now I was convinced that she was interested in something other than the mice. I looked around to see if I could figure out what she was looking at. Bookcase, television, bookcase, couch, cat, broadsword, chair ... hang on a second. Cat. The snake was staring at the cat. The cat was staring back in that "I'm gonna make you think I've just seen a ghost" way they have.
Why the hell were they staring at each other? The cat was too big for the snake to eat. The cat might be able to eat the snake, but she'd never catch the snake, since she's kinda fat. Like her owner.
Suddenly, in a blinding flash of insight, it came to me why they were staring at each other. It was hunger, but of another kind.
Experiment result: Stimula brought out the previously unsuspected lesbian side of the snake. The snake was now wanting some Poe.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
45 votes
4.1
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Obese Deadite 3,430  6
11/20/2007 02:06 AM
gotta love the Poe.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Chit 178,088 15
11/20/2007 02:09 AM
Awesome Dude!
Mind you though...I'm kinda partial to reptiles.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Hamburger Helper 455 6
11/20/2007 04:47 PM
...on a "scale" of 1 to 5, I give you a four (sorry, had to keep the pun thing going). If your cat and snake ever get it on and somehow miraculously manage to reproduce, keep me in mind. I'd kill for some sort of mutant ball-feline....
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0 votes
0.0
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Ichabod Joe: The REAL Sleepy Hollow Hero 6,045 7
11/21/2007 12:17 AM
Wow... I just scrolled through the article, saw pictures of snakes and lube, and then a cat.
Oh my god... What have you done thud?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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That's right, it's Jingle Thud 66,695 17
11/29/2007 10:46 PM
Since all the other stories are back on the front page...
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