ZUG Stimulation Contest: Stimulate Your Senses
A comedy article
by DieLawn  494  6
11/28/2007 11:06 AM 321 views
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Official entry in our ZUG Stimulation Contest. Entries are now closed; rate this article to determine the winner!
ZUG Stimulation Contest: "Stimulate Your Senses"
I would say that I'm young enough where erectile dysfunction is not high on the list of things I worry about daily. What do I worry about? Car crashes, war, zombies, infant mortality, and so on. So if by chance I came across a great deal of Stimula sexual lubricant as part of the ZUG Stimulation Contest, what would I do with it? Well, boredom has many faces, and today that face is about to have some lube jammed into some of its holes.
Surprisingly enough, the packets didn't include anything other than instructions on how to apply it to your wang. I guess I'll have to make it up as I go.
This wasn't exactly the most appealing substance to be sticking in my body. It was yellowish and roughly the consistency of snot. Because of that, I figured the nose was a good place to start.
The packaging describes Stimula as a "water-based, water-soluble, odorless gel." Now, I'm sure they didn't intend on having people stick it up their nose, but I wouldn't use the word "odorless" so loosely. The scent wasn't exactly pleasant, and it reminded me too much of those rubber Halloween masks that are so ridiculous that everybody has to try them on. Yes, clown-skull with a Mohawk, I'm talking to you.
The ears were up next.
Okay, I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm not used to having things that are warm and slimy slide into my ear.
I gave those two a little time to kick in before moving on. The insides of my ears actually started to burn, not like a pleasant warming, but a full on burn. I'll tack that onto the list of things I hope it doesn't do when applied to my junk. The burning in my ears combined with the smell led me to believe that a collection of tiny GI Joes caught fire inside my head. Poor guys.
Time for the hands and feet.
That should give you a better idea of what I'm dealing with here. I poured a packet onto my hands and thoroughly worked it in.
I didn't really feel anything right away with the hands. Let me just say it's not exactly fun trying to hold and use a camera with your hands all covered in lube.
Side effects may include unwanted levitation.
After applying it to my feet, I figured I'd let them air dry. This took a while, after all, it is lubrication, and quick drying would be counterproductive. With my hands all lubed up, I couldn't get out of the bathroom. I didn't think ahead, and closed the door behind me. So I figured I had some time to kill ... why not taste it?
This was probably the most unpleasant part of my experience. Not only did it taste a little like death (it has to be that delicious Propylene Glycol), but it actually made my tongue go numb. Interestingly enough, they warn you about this in a nice little insert:
"Stimula for Men may be ingested, however a numbing sensation may affect the tongue and other areas the gel comes in contact with."
It makes sense, but then it got me to thinking: there is actually somebody out there whose job is to stick stuff like this in their mouths.
I gave everything a few minutes to settle in, or at least enough time to wipe some of this crap off of my camera.
Even after the Stimula dried, I had difficulty holding on to things. For whatever reason, it caused my appendages to sweat profusely. I noticed this when the controller for my Xbox 360 was covered in a layer of slimy, unctuous goo, like a bar of soap in the prison shower.
Breaking it down: this stuff made me burn, sweat, go numb, and smell bad. Do I really have any incentive to rub it all up on my man-meat? I think the rest of my Stimula will remain safely in its packaging.
Unless it ends up on my wiener.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
13 votes
3.4
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13 Comments on "ZUG Stimulation Contest: Stimulate Your Senses"
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0 votes
0.0
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Nachos 57,521  23
11/28/2007 11:37 AM
I would say that I'm young enough where erectile dysfunction is not high on the list of things I worry about daily. What do I worry about? Car crashes, war, zombies, infant mortality, and so on.
When I read this I figured you for a mid-30's woman.
Then I saw the picture and realised you were just a hippy instead.
Overall not bad, a solid 3 out of 5, although it would have been higher if you'd capered while lubed for our jaded and cynical amusement.
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0 votes
0.0
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Chix 286,572 61
11/28/2007 12:17 PM
Mick Jagger called. He wants his lips back.
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0 votes
0.0
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Gold, Fratberry & Myrrh 283,028 53
11/28/2007 02:19 PM
Is it really cold inside your place, toboggan boy?
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0 votes
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Under the mistletoe 101,398 77
11/28/2007 03:08 PM
Well written, but my article had robots, ass rape and nipples.
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0 votes
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Hamburger Huffalump 460 6
11/28/2007 04:41 PM
...less pictures, more funny...
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0 votes
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The Jerk 6,311 9
11/28/2007 06:19 PM
Try shaving once in a while and maybe you'll find a girl to use that lube with instead of playing with it yourself.
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0 votes
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TacocaT is a palindrome! 61,976 36
11/28/2007 06:25 PM
I disagree. He definitely looks like one of those guys who looks really awkward without facial hair.
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0 votes
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DieLawn 494 6
11/29/2007 03:22 AM
Yes, I look awkward without facial hair.
Yes, I'm a hippie.
Yes, it's very cold in my home, I live in Minnesota.
Anything else?
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0 votes
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DieLawn 494 6
11/29/2007 04:10 AM
Also, the hat is there to hide the fact that both:
A) I hadn't showered yet that day and
B) I'm already going bald.
A big wah wah to me.*
Self esteem - a billion.
*(Wah wah to denote sound of muted trumpet making said noise, not the sound of crying)
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0 votes
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Dogs Akimbo 211,590 32
11/29/2007 01:37 PM
Yes, it's very cold in my home, I live in Minnesota.
You haven't seen a woman with a big wolf around there anywhere, have you?
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0 votes
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DieLawn 494 6
11/29/2007 06:23 PM
"You haven't seen a woman with a big wolf around there anywhere, have you?"
Can't say I have, no.
Enjoyable? It was pretty awkward, I'm not going to lie.
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