Cinderblock 27,578 25
01/28/2008 07:45 AM

Scream in horror when you see her without makeup for the first time. Chicks dig that.

Quelqu'un m'a dit que tu Mailman encore 176,464 56
01/28/2008 07:47 AM

Now that she is living with you, start referring to her as "your sweetness", or something mushy like that, rather than "your girlfriend," especially if she reads GAB.

Quelqu'un m'a dit que tu Mailman encore 176,464 56
01/28/2008 07:48 AM

Oh, and there is probably nothing wrong with her apartment. You've been had.

SHP God bless evolution 181,795 70
01/28/2008 08:04 AM

Repeat after me.

Get your ass back in the kitchen and make me a pie!

Pram 80,728 42
01/28/2008 08:12 AM

When you're done after a night of passionate sex with her, tie the condom off and clean your penis in the sink, over her good dishes.

She will want to keep you forever.

Filly 39,193 20
01/28/2008 08:20 AM

Mailman, you are my favorite.

Thud 68,506 19
01/28/2008 08:35 AM

Bob, get used to the words "Yes, dear". You'll find yourself saying them much more often now that you can't escape her as easily.

Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo 566 6
01/28/2008 04:30 PM

Her ass is now yours. On the flipside, your balls are now hers.

Nachos 57,521 23
01/28/2008 05:34 PM

Make sure you both keep your outside interests and friends going. It's really tempting to do absolutely everything together, but one day you'll realise that the mole on the back of her neck that you wake up staring at every single day will drive you insane and that, since you now have become one of that disgusting alien/human fusions that no longer have separate friends, there's no way to get away from her. That's the point where you'll either settle down and dump the last shreds of lust that you had for life or beat her head in with a rock while she's sleeping (although option will just mean that you get rid of a girlfriend and acquire a wife instead. In jail. Called Mike.).

I think Homer Simpson put it best when he said 'It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven years'.

oh my gross 336 5
01/28/2008 06:44 PM

As a woman living in sin I can promise you that if you say ANYTHING along the lines of "Get back in the kitchen and make me a pie/sandwich/dinner" sex will be withheld for a long, long, loooong time.
Pros and cons, I suppose. Full tummy and no sex vs. starvation and satisfaction? The choice is yours.

oh my gross 336 5
01/28/2008 06:44 PM

Oh yeah and females fart and poop and all that gross stuff, too. Just a heads up!

Nachos 57,521 23
01/28/2008 06:55 PM

And chances are they'll want to do all of that while you're present in the bathroom.

Say goodbye to your boundaries.

Nachos 57,521 23
01/28/2008 07:43 PM

When you walk in and she's waxing her upper lip, that doesn't mean that she's managed to hide her identity as the Bearded Lady up until now.

You'd have to stay with her until the menopause kicks in for that to happen.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
01/28/2008 07:53 PM

My wife just asked me in the kitchen, "Do you think I'm crazy?"

The correct answer was:

- "Absolutely. Bat Shakespeare crazy.

- "No, your insanity does not make your butt look fat."

- Back slowly out of the kitchen, get into the car and drive to Saskatoon.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
01/28/2008 07:54 PM

The answer, of course, was D.

Megatron 3,360 9
01/28/2008 07:55 PM

Say goodbye to leaving the toilet seat up.

Fratberry 283,028 53
01/28/2008 08:19 PM

I always put the toilet seat down when I'm finished because I think the toilet looks better that way.

Nachos 57,521 23
01/28/2008 08:27 PM

Strange. I always assumed that Frat peed sitting down.

Fratberry 283,028 53
01/28/2008 08:29 PM

I do.

Nachos 57,521 23
01/28/2008 08:34 PM

Heh. I was trying to find a picture of a cat or something sitting in a toilet bowl to compare to Frat peeing sitting down at the same time as the seat was up. So I went to google image search, typed in 'sitting in a toilet bowl' and hit return.

Then I noticed that the adult filtering mechanism was turned off.

If anyone ever checks the images on the proxy server, I'm so fired.

Over 40,000 Chickens Parts is Parts 286,580 61
01/28/2008 08:41 PM

Two weeks huh?



hahahahahhahahahhahahahhaha ah ah ah ahah a ha ha hahah ahahhahahahahha ha aha ha you are so Frosted.

Over 40,000 Chickens Parts is Parts 286,580 61
01/28/2008 08:43 PM

On the bright side, in two weeks you have a 50/50 chance of living 24/7 with your first hormone carbonated woman on her period.

Never mention this, of course, unless you want several of your heads removed.

Nachos 57,521 23
01/28/2008 08:54 PM

What Chickens failed to mention to you though is that you'll earn major bonus points and guaranteed sex if you dig all of her used tampons out of the trash and hang then from a door frame by their strings. When she gets home start beating them with a stick and tell her you're holding an impromptu pinata party.

Women dig that sort of thoughtfulness. Really.

Phuc 237,919 21
01/28/2008 09:22 PM

Getting advice from people who have been married for more than seven years is not a good thing to do, as there are major differences between how to manage a new marriage and how to marriage a... ummm... veteran marriage. What goes for vets does not necessarily go for newlyweds.

For example, the newlywed (seven years or less) will tell you that care and discretion are required and that your actions should not overly offend your new housemate whereas the veteran will tell you that so long as you don't cross over the line of Frost-ing the 19 year old co-ed Gas n' Sip cashier on top of the kids' sand table, you can do whatever the Frost you want.

The ironic thing is that if a newlywed gives you that same advice, you should ignore it, as well as every other thing that comes out of that person's mouth because within six months, it's a given that they'll be broke from alimony payments Frost-ing barflies while wearing six condoms to keep the ravenous vaginal tribbles off their c0ck.

Phuc 237,919 21
01/28/2008 09:23 PM

In summary, cook her dinner a few times a week (nothing that involves marinating chicken breasts in salad dressing unless you want to convince her you're still in Junior College), put your undies in the hamper as soon as you're done with them, and pretend you like Grey's anatomy so you can have a chance at getting her to tolerate the upcoming Dr. Who marathon.

Cinderblock 27,578 25
01/28/2008 09:36 PM

nothing that involves marinating chicken breasts in salad dressing unless you want to convince her you're still in Junior College

Wait... does lard count as a salad dressing?

Phuc 237,919 21
01/28/2008 09:38 PM

Wait... does lard count as a salad dressing?

I love you.

Phuc 237,919 21
01/28/2008 09:39 PM

We also would have accepted schmaltz.

Cinderblock 27,578 25
01/28/2008 09:39 PM

I love you.

Everything in my life was meaningless until now.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
01/28/2008 10:14 PM

Don't try to Frost her in the ass for at least a month, unless she asks you to do it sooner.

Phuc 237,919 21
01/28/2008 10:58 PM

Like Stonn, I have learned that having... is not so good a thing as wanting.

EvelKnievel 947 6
01/30/2008 08:31 AM

Get out now while you still can. Tell her there is something wrong with your apartment and you have to move in with the 19 year old from the Gas N Sip. Of course she can stay at your place until her apartment is fixed....

Jew Girl 15,189 12
01/30/2008 09:45 AM

I always put the toilet seat down when I'm finished because I think the toilet looks better that way.

Interesting, I didn't know you were gay.

6 Odd Foot of Humphrey 51,764 12
01/30/2008 09:57 AM

Can she spit watermelon seeds through that gap?

Pubah 56,813 18
01/30/2008 10:08 AM

Do's and don'ts

Do clean up after yourself...and her

Do not use her washrag

Do rub her feet after a long day at the office

Do not ask her for money

Do make love to her entire body...treat her like the Goddess she is

Do not ask for oral sex, scream someone's name (male or female) or watch tv and say, "Yea, she's hot...I'd hit that".

Cinderblock 27,578 25
01/30/2008 10:19 AM

Pubah, will you marry me? I mean, after you get a house of course...

Pubah 56,813 18
01/30/2008 10:22 AM

But I have a 'house'. Kinda cold these days, but with the rhodent pelts I stitched together and our body heat, it will be quite cozy.

Pubah 56,813 18
01/30/2008 10:52 AM

Pray tell, Ms Block of Cinder, what are some things women should know when living with a man?

6 Odd Foot of Humphrey 51,764 12
01/30/2008 11:40 AM

Avoid the creepy hobo's?

Jew Girl 15,189 12
01/30/2008 06:39 PM

Dear Pubah,

Start packing.

I will be sending you a plane ticket to Louisville.

Fondly,
me

Shell Belle 77,143 25
01/30/2008 10:28 PM

Eventually, she will ask you the following question:

"Do you notice anything different about me today?"

This question is a trap, since we females realize that men are not very observant of these things. For the love of God, do not say no. This will result in a marathon session of exploring feelings and dredging up past conflicts.

The best answer:

"Well, I was just thinking that you look exceptionally pretty today. What did you do different?"


If this answer fails to satisfy, that means she is most likely in full hormonal mode and looking for a fight. In that case, get out of the house immediately!

syncope 49,019 14
01/30/2008 10:29 PM

Living with a woman is basically like starting a timer and saying, "I'll bet I can get enough sex to satisfy my male lust before you can drive me over the edge of insanity. GO!"*











*The house bitch always wins.

And a happy new Snork 45,655 12
01/30/2008 11:12 PM

You should have a long talk about setting boundaries and whatnot.

And then build a fort from couch pillows and arm yourself with Nerf equipment to protect those boundaries.

And if for some reason she's not amused by your "antics", you should put the harlot out.

And a happy new Snork 45,655 12
01/30/2008 11:12 PM

And they wonder why I'm still single.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
01/30/2008 11:41 PM

There are tulips on my table. And she's using my martini shaker as a flower vase. Seriously.

And a happy new Snork 45,655 12
01/30/2008 11:50 PM

Boun-da-ries

Swords will fuckin' cut you wide open 77,546 17
01/30/2008 11:52 PM

There are tulips on my table. And she's using my martini shaker as a flower vase. Seriously.

Lock her out on the balcony.

Pubah 56,813 18
01/31/2008 12:11 AM

Make her drink the martini first...she might be puttin a spell on yo assssss

Pubah 56,813 18
02/01/2008 03:37 AM

Do pull out chairs, watch your swears, open doors and sweep the floors

Do not fart, criticize art, get 'smart'

And remember, "Smiles everybody...smiles!!!"

SHP God bless evolution 181,795 70
02/01/2008 03:42 AM

Bob Johnson uses his enormous penis as a table?

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/01/2008 03:47 AM

What? You haven't harvested her organs yet?

Poewhipped.