Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/05/2008 11:33 PM

For the Bonus Round, you can pick apart the jokes and tell us who might find them offensive (Lightbulbs have feelings, too!).

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
02/05/2008 11:34 PM

<action>backs out of thread slowly, making sure not to make eye contact</action>

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/05/2008 11:43 PM

Three men walk into a bar. One of them is a bit stupid. And the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitablility. /stolen

..though technically, this is making fun of crappy jokes, thus sitcom writers everywhere could be offended.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
02/05/2008 11:45 PM

Did you hear about the Mexican who graduated from college?



Yeah, me neither.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/05/2008 11:46 PM

This is really not the thread for you.

Try not to offend might make your head assplode or something.

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/05/2008 11:50 PM

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they won't work in the future either.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
02/05/2008 11:50 PM

Bless your wee cotton socks.

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/05/2008 11:52 PM

How can you tell when Chinese people have moved into your neighborhood?

The Mexicans start buying car insurance.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
02/05/2008 11:53 PM

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


LET'S RIDE BIKES.

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/05/2008 11:54 PM

OK, here's a clean one:
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr. 203,956 21
02/05/2008 11:55 PM

How do blind people get down a mountain?



Skiing eye dog.

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/05/2008 11:56 PM

I can't resist...
How is getting a blowjob from Whoopi Goldberg like climbing a mountain?

Whatever you do, don't look down!

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/05/2008 11:58 PM

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.

I'm sorry, that won't pass the censors. The wanton number cannibalism will frighten the children.

WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/05/2008 11:58 PM

<action>makes a list</action>Mexicans
Kids with ADD
The blind


FAIL.

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/06/2008 12:00 AM

A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."

Right away, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"I don't, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Chickens votes RuPaul in 08 286,580 61
02/06/2008 12:02 AM

Grandma huh?


Okay, so grandma is on her back, feet in the air, getting pounded by the UPS man when...

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/06/2008 12:05 AM

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Yo Momma.

Yo Momma who?









































Seriously, it's yo momma, open the door!

oh my gross 336 5
02/06/2008 01:22 AM

This goes out to all the addicts...

How many addicts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But it takes twelve steps.

AhahahahahFAIL on my part.

Aphrodite 2,261 13
02/06/2008 01:29 AM

How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a Blue Elephant Gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant?

Choke him till he's blue, then shoot him with a Blue Elephant Gun.

Aphrodite 2,261 13
02/06/2008 01:29 AM

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Aphrodite 2,261 13
02/06/2008 01:30 AM

What's black and blue and hates sex?

The little boy in my clos . . .

Wait, that one doesn't work.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/06/2008 01:33 AM

I'm addicted to break fluid, but I can stop anytime I want.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/06/2008 01:40 AM

Brake.

That's the billionth time I've made that mistake on GAB. I'm starting to think I have brain damage.

Well, either that, or I should stop posting the same joke a billion times on GAB.

Shell Belle 77,143 25
02/06/2008 01:42 AM

A lady tells her psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."

She says, "How much for all night?"

Autra - No I won't give you diamonds 10,560 11
02/06/2008 01:42 AM

Just read my profile.

Pretty much all my funniest post are bad jokes, and some of them are even clean.

God, I suck.

Autra - No I won't give you diamonds 10,560 11
02/06/2008 01:44 AM

<action>actually goes and reads his funniest posts</action>Well, one of them is a clean joke.

Whatever.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/06/2008 02:03 AM

dirty joke: boy fell in the mud.

clean joke: he took a bath.

Chickens votes RuPaul in 08 286,580 61
02/06/2008 03:11 AM

"-THE ARISTOCRATS!"

Just plain Jeen 47,792 51
02/06/2008 06:40 AM

My 5 year old nephew liked this one:

Why do you park in your driveway,
and drive on the parkway?


He's easily amused.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/06/2008 07:24 AM

Tell him that parkway spelled backwards is yawkrap.

Slinky 28,185 10
02/06/2008 08:44 AM

And Racecar spelled backwards is racecaR.

Thud 68,506 19
02/06/2008 09:37 AM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don't know, every time I ask him the only reply I get is "Cluck".

Phla ___ __ ______ ___ ___? 131,068 34
02/06/2008 09:46 AM

<action>trips on some soap and cleanly breaks her nose</action>

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/06/2008 09:59 AM

I was about to say that the question Can you be funny without being offensive? is tilted toward the written and that physical humor can much more easily be non-offensive.

Phlesp.

Phla ___ __ ______ ___ ___? 131,068 34
02/06/2008 09:59 AM

Gesundheit.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/06/2008 10:02 AM

And,

Two woman are sitting in the kitchen, talking. The phone rings and the hostess picks it up, speaks for a bit and hangs up looking dejected.

"What's wrong?"

"My husband is coming home early."

"So, what's wrong with that?"

"He'll be carrying some flowers for me."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"I'll spend the next hour with my legs up in the air."





"You don't have a vase?"

Filly 39,193 20
02/06/2008 10:07 AM

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a wife?

...

A prostitute says, "Done yet?"
A nympho says, "Done already?"
And a wife says, "Beige! I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"

I'm sorry. That joke always gets me. I'm not ashamed!

Thud 68,506 19
02/06/2008 10:26 AM

I'm not ashamed!

True. You're Filly.

Filly 39,193 20
02/06/2008 10:56 AM

I now understand why your name is Thud.

Thud 68,506 19
02/06/2008 10:58 AM

Too many levels going on?

Blackwater 274 5
02/06/2008 12:27 PM

A personal favorite (Alas, not my own work.)

I once tried a vegetarian diet, but I had to give it up. They all ran too fast.

(Actually, I had nowhere to keep the leftovers.)

Megatron 3,360 9
02/07/2008 01:05 AM

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

Bildo 132 6
02/07/2008 10:45 AM

I got kicked out of the girl scouts for eating a brownie. That's not so much a joke as it is just true.

Bildo 132 6
02/07/2008 10:48 AM

What do you call a clown after he takes his makeup off?


...



...


...


...


grandpa.

(But seriously, my grandfather used to dress as a clown and do horrible things to me. Makes my tukus hurt to this day just thinking about those big clown shoes.)

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,976 36
02/07/2008 10:53 AM

And Racecar spelled backwards is racecaR.

TACOCAT!

Sorry. I couldn't resist.

YeOleSmurf 299 6
02/07/2008 12:36 PM

How many democratic president candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: Hillary to talk about how she has experience in change, and Barack to change the god damn mormon totin, fully aborted lightbulb.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
02/07/2008 12:49 PM

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?








Snowmen have snowbals.

EvelKnievel 947 6
02/07/2008 07:44 PM

Dirty Version:
What's the difference between "anal sex" and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't "fart" when you pull your meat out


Clean Version:
What's the difference between "rectal intercourse" and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't "flatulate" when you pull your meat out

Grimmer87 84 7
02/07/2008 09:08 PM

What has eight legs and keeps a woman up all night?



Gang Rape

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/07/2008 10:32 PM

Why is Rudi Giuliani afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9-11

Toolifer Keeper of Plastic Minions 51 8
02/08/2008 12:28 AM

What's this? ----> ~~~~~~~~

A flock of these? ---> ~

DrthTater 74 6
02/08/2008 01:28 AM

So a baby seal walks into a club...

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/08/2008 05:58 AM

A man walks into a bar with a large bruise on his forehead. Bartender ask him, "Hey buddy, how'd you get that huge bruise?" The man replies "I was Frost-ing the wife doggystyle in the backyard and she kept trying to run under the house!"

Ghost2 109 7
02/08/2008 06:16 AM

What the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn't melt when you put it in the microwave.


My humblest apologies.

Pram 80,728 42
02/08/2008 07:11 AM

Hey, wanna hear a dirty joke?
A pig fell in the mud.

TomServo 3,759 7
02/08/2008 09:17 PM

An Irishman, a Scotsman, an Englishman, A Swede, an American, a black man, a Jew and an African walk into a bar and start ass Frost-ing each other on a big pile of Bibles.

How am I doing so far?

Cranky 571 8
02/08/2008 10:11 PM

A Scot and a Brit were sitting around talking one afternoon over a pint.

After a while the Scot says to the Brit, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The Brit pondered this for a minute and, taking a sip from his pint, finally says, "Well, I don't know about related, mate, but it sure would make us even."

Golden Words 977 9
02/08/2008 11:06 PM

I got kicked out of the girl scouts for eating a brownie. That's not so much a joke as it is just true.

The fact that he was a 'he' didnt have anything to do with the boot out.

Golden Words 977 9
02/08/2008 11:11 PM

Bad news: Doctor pulls gun on one of his patients -- Good News: The patient's hiccups are gone

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/09/2008 12:12 AM

A Chinese guy and his wife are in bed together when he turns to her and says "I wanna sixty-nine." She says "Why you wanna beef and broccoli now?"

The Jerk 6,311 9
02/09/2008 12:20 AM

A drunk guy stumbles into a church confessional. The priest hears him come in, but since the drunk doesn't say anything he knocks on the wall. The drunk pipes up "Forget it, pal! There's no toilet paper in this one either!"

Cranky 571 8
02/09/2008 12:38 AM

Q.) How do you get a jazz drummer off of your porch?


A.) Pay him for the pizza.

Miss, Throw me sumtin Mr. Trixxie 65,026 15
02/09/2008 01:11 AM

What's 18 inches long and makes a woman scream


crib death
















Two Irish men walk past a bar

Myzyri 468 9
02/09/2008 03:24 AM

The doctor comes into the patient's room and says, "I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that we're going to have to amputate both your legs. The good news is that the guy in the next room wants to buy your shoes."

Myzyri 468 9
02/09/2008 03:28 AM

I shall borrow EvelKnievel's format:

DIRTY VERSION:
Q: What's the difference between a fag's ass and a microwave oven?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat.

CLEAN VERSION:
Q: What's the difference between a "homosexual's anal canal" and a microwave oven?
A: A microwave won't get Shakespeare on your dick... er... Well, you know what I mean...

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/09/2008 04:49 AM

How can you tell if your roommate is homosexual?

His Penis tastes like Poo.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/09/2008 04:50 AM

Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the Frog's finger

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/09/2008 04:51 AM

Q. What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

A. Leukemia.

DieLawn 494 6
02/09/2008 08:24 AM

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.f

DieLawn 494 6
02/09/2008 08:25 AM

Awesome, a typo.

DieLawn 494 6
02/09/2008 08:28 AM

A penis and a vagina are about to go skydiving for the first time. The vagina turns and says, "I don't think I want to do this anymore."

The penis looks at the vagina and replies, "I see your point, we don't have to jump."

That's not how you thought it would end, was it?

Zombie Trai 95 5
02/09/2008 08:34 AM

How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Two but they have to be really tiny.

Spanked 65 6
02/10/2008 10:44 AM

Why did the snail take off his shell?
-He was feeling sluggish.


What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?
- Drumsticks for everyone!


What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a chicken?
- A pitbull.

That's What She Said 27,416 24
02/10/2008 11:11 AM

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and have a few drinks. After a while, the giraffe falls off his barstool and is sprawled out on the floor.

The bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man looks down at his friend, then back up at the bartender and says, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

Harvey Kettle 1,889 13
02/10/2008 06:20 PM

Doctor: Mr Smith, you have two weeks to live.

Mr Smith: That's terrible! I demand a second opinion.

Doctor: Ok, you're really Frost-ing ugly as well.

Pram 80,728 42
02/11/2008 12:29 AM

Two giants stomped through a bar...There was nothing left of it.

MikeJM 54 6
02/11/2008 04:58 PM

Did you hear about that guy who had to get his entire left side amputated?

Well, he's alright now.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
02/11/2008 05:31 PM

Why did Kermit ask Miss Piggy to use a vinegar and honey douche?

He likes sweet and sour pork.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/11/2008 11:05 PM

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "Wow that's cool, how could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/11/2008 11:15 PM

Q. Why did Jesus cross the road?
A. He didn't! Jesus rode the cross!

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,976 36
02/12/2008 12:14 AM

What did the salmon say when he ran into a wall?

Dam!

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/12/2008 12:55 AM

Q: How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

A: Suck its dick.

Its clean because dogs usually lick themselves and then again its your dog!

Chickens is a Cowardly Harpoonist 286,580 61
02/12/2008 01:01 AM

I don't think you people understand the rules of this thread.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/12/2008 04:58 AM

Yeah, this thread has "EPIC FAIL" written all over it.

Let's try another joke from some big book of stupid jokes I read once:

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and an eggplant?

A: The color.

Q: What did Tarzan say when I saw the elephants coming?

A: Here come the elephants!

Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?

A: Here come the eggplants!


She was colorblind.

JakAus 310 6
02/12/2008 04:58 AM

what's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light-bulb.

You can unscrew a light-bulb!

And it's clean because...um...uh... shut up.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/12/2008 05:04 AM

How do you catch a unique rabbit?


Unique up on it.



How do you catch a tame rabbit?







Tame way, silly!

Cap'n Morgan 472 6
02/12/2008 06:55 AM

Working off of Bildo's joke...when does a cub scout become a boy scout? When he eats his first brownie.

Cap'n Morgan 472 6
02/12/2008 07:07 AM

So a boy from the city is walking in the country looking for a new pet when he comes to a nice farm. The farmer sees him and asks if he needs something, to which the boy responds that he would indeed like to buy a new pet.

He spies a funny looking bird and asks what it is. "Well sonny, to me its a pullet, to you its a chicken."

"OK, I'll take one of those. What's that over there?"

"To me its a Coleridge, but to you its a rooster."

"I'll take one of those, too. What's THAT animal over there?"

"Oh, that's an ass. You might call it a mule. He can be kind of ornery though, if he sits down you just have to give him a scratch to get moving again."

So the boy gathers up his new pets and starts walking back towards town. Coming towards him is a country girl out for a stroll. Just before their paths cross, the pesky mule just stops and sits down. The boy, remembering the farmer's instructions, struggles with his other pets.

The girl asks, "Can I give you a hand?"

"Yes, please, could you hold my Coleridge and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/12/2008 07:14 AM

What did 0 say to 8?

..

Nice belt.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
02/12/2008 07:16 AM

So, a dyslexic guy walks into a bra..

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/12/2008 07:20 AM

What's the difference between BIG and Mother Teresa?

Mother Teresa is dead, and so she wouldn't be able to kick your ass if you stole her Jameson's.

Cap'n Morgan 472 6
02/12/2008 08:00 AM

Yeah....in THAT part of the country roosters are called penises.

Niyou77 51 6
02/12/2008 09:01 AM

Here I go!

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off of it!

Filly 39,193 20
02/12/2008 12:08 PM

I don't think you people understand the rules of this thread.

Oh, I understood the rules. I just chose to ignore them. I do what I want! /Chance

Ravos the Radish 63,472 21
02/12/2008 08:10 PM

Whats more fun than spinning a baby around a tree?

Stopping it with a pitchfork.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/12/2008 09:33 PM

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

Chickens is a Cowardly Harpoonist 286,580 61
02/12/2008 09:40 PM

Does this fit?

Ravos the Radish 63,472 21
02/12/2008 09:43 PM

Whats worse than a pile of dead babies?

One alive in the bottom eating his way out.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/12/2008 10:17 PM

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/12/2008 11:27 PM

"Here I go!

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off of it!"



WRONG!

it's 1 scoos of ice cream, 2 scoops of dead baby

Ravos the Radish 63,472 21
02/13/2008 12:09 AM

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/13/2008 12:18 AM

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

Ravos the Radish 63,472 21
02/13/2008 12:20 AM

Whats worse than 10 dead babies in a barrel?

One dead baby in 10 barrels.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/13/2008 12:21 AM

what's black and white and red all over and can't fit through a doorway?

a nun with a spear through her head.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/13/2008 12:34 AM

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."


Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a "clunk."


He then made a left turn and again heard a "clunk."


Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.


Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/13/2008 01:03 AM

A group of American tourists came to this Mexican town, it was midday and the locals were having their SIESTA.

There was a couple, Mr Ed, a city lawyer in Washington and his wife, Elanor, a journalist who came to this shanty place with a translator.

On the long bench lied a old Mexican with his ten gallon hat drawn over his face. Elanor was anxious to go for an interview with the town mayor, and they came to the old Mexican named Quantos. Ed and Elanor did not bring their wristwatch and asked the Interpretator. She in turn ask Quantos in mexican spainish : "Sir, could we have the time?" There was a donkey besides the bench, and Quantos pulled up his hat, and lifted up the donkey's scotrum, and said "it is 12:16 PM." as translated by interpretor.

Ed and Elanor was so thrilled, this Mexican can tell the time by feeling the donkey's balls! Elanor quickly sent a fax back to the New York Times and ran a front page news on Mr. Quantos the miracle time keeper. After the tour and holidays in Mexico, both Ed and Elanor kept telling everyone they met about Quantos telling time by feeling the donkey's testicles. One day Ed met a Spanish speaking friend, who works in the newspaper editorial of the New York Times. He wanted to see this old Mexican for himself, and flew there with Ed.

They came to the same spot where the bench was, and sure enough, old Quantos was there as usual having his noonday nap. They woke him up and ask how did he get this amazing gift of telling the time by feeling the donkey's balls.

Quantos spoke: "Oh, you mean I have gift? No, you see sir, there is a tower clock in the town square, and the donkey's balls were blocking my view, I simply lift them up so I can see the clock, simple as that .. nothing special."

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 01:53 AM

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one and both of their cars are totally destroyed but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but we're unharmed! This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man, who nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 01:56 AM

Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve?

Because the DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 02:05 AM

There was a papa bigger, a momma bigger, and a baby bigger. Which one was the biggest?

The baby bigger, because he was a little bigger.


Oh dear god, just kill me now.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 02:09 AM

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Scottycujo 40 8
02/13/2008 03:45 AM

Two sausages are laying in a frying pan...

Sausage #1: "Boy it's sure hot in here!"

Sausage #2: "Holy crap!! A talking sausage!!"

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/13/2008 03:55 AM

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

Filly 39,193 20
02/13/2008 06:07 AM

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a lake?

Bob.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 08:27 AM

Did you hear about the Indian chief who drank 15 cups of tea before bedtime?

That night he drowned in his tea-pee.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 08:28 AM

Why is the beach wet?

Because the sea weed.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 08:29 AM

For Straw:

What did Data see in the toilet?

The captain's log!

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 08:31 AM

What's green and has yellow wheels?



Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/13/2008 08:32 AM

The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.

"It's great," Tommy said. "I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she's still with dad."

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 08:45 AM

What is H204?

Drinking!

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:46 AM

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 08:48 AM

<action>reads last post and groans</action>

My life has come down to reading Shakespeare like this? What the hell happened?

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:49 AM

A guy was walking down the street when he noticed a little boy walking around with a piece of steak on his head. So he asked, "Little boy, why do you have a piece of steak on your head?"

"I'm not a boy," the boy answered. "I'm a fork."

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:53 AM

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:54 AM

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:54 AM

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:56 AM

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:56 AM

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:57 AM

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/13/2008 08:57 AM

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 09:31 AM

I will kill you.

Thud 68,506 19
02/13/2008 09:37 AM

I liked it. Definitely fit the challenge parameters.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/13/2008 10:21 AM

I think the best thing about getting a face-transplant would be going to the donor's funeral and saying "boo."

Vomus 415 6
02/13/2008 12:41 PM

Why did the snowman pull his pants down?






Heard the snow-blower was comming.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 08:58 PM

There was a Rabbi who was shipwrecked on an island. He knew that there was no way he could get off so he decided to make the best of it.

One day in his exploration of the island he came across an interesting tribe of people. They devised some kind of communication and he found out they called themselves Trids. He asked if he could join the tribe. The Trids said yes. So the Rabbi did everything that the Trids did.

One day about a month after the Rabbi joined the Trids, there was a loud trumpet sounding. The Trids all lined up and started walking up the hill. The Rabbi joined them thinking it was some religious ceremony. The Trids stopped on top of a cliff by the sea. They were in a straight line. The Rabbi followed. Then a giant came out of the woods and began to kick each Trid off the cliff. The giant passed the Rabbi and continued to kicked the Trids off the cliff. When the Giant was finished, the Rabbi went to the Giant and asked why he didn't get kicked off. The Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 09:00 PM

Ooh, Undies, you gave me a good idea. I found some more Star Trek jokes:

Why did Worf change his hair color?

It was a good day to dye.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 09:02 PM

Question: What is Thomas Riker's dating philosophy?
Answer: "If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again."

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 09:02 PM

Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?

Answer: "Captain, we are being hailed."

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 09:03 PM

Question: What did Lore use to kill Data's cat?

Answer:Spot remover.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 09:04 PM

Question: What did the Jamaican say to the Ferengi captain who was visiting Earth?

Answer: Have a nice Dai Mon.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/13/2008 09:07 PM

what do cows sing during christmas?

oh night bovine.

**groan**

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/13/2008 09:13 PM

Two french hunters, Jacques & Francois, are walking through the woods, hunting deer. They stumble across a clearing with a single tree in the center. Francois looks at the tree, and says "Jacques, I think that is a bacon tree! I am going to get closer."

As Francois get close to the tree, it starts to move. Francois yells "Jacques, run! It is not a bacon tree, its a hambush!"

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/13/2008 09:32 PM

Jean Chretien has an important meeting in Vancouver. He shows up wearing a red vest, and everyone is impressed with it. A reporter asks him, "Jean, how did you decide to wear such a spiffy red vest?" to which he replied, "Well, I call my muder, and she say to me "In Vancouver, you wear de red vest."

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/13/2008 09:33 PM

So the next week, Jean has a meeting in Montreal. He shows up wearing a blue turtleneck, and everyone thinks its stylin'. A reporter asks him again "Jean, how did you decide on that shrit?" and he says "Well, I can my muder, and she say "When in montreal, you wear de blue turtleneck."

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/13/2008 09:34 PM

So the week after, Jean has a meeting in Hamilton. He shows up wearing a fox hat, and everyone is kinda thinking he's lost it. A report asks him "Why are you wearing that?" and gives him a dirty look. He replies, "Well, I cann my muder, and she say "Hamilton? Where de Frosts dat?"

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 10:59 PM

Two droids were talking.

One says to the other, "Did you beat the Wookiee at Dejarikk?"

And the other answers, "Yes, but it cost me an arm and a leg."

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 11:00 PM

Q: Why did the Stormtrooper start jumping up and down?

A: He stepped on Ant-hillies.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 11:01 PM

Q: What goes, "Ha, ha, ha, haaaa.... AGGGHHHH! Thump"?

A: An Imperial Officer laughing at Darth Vader.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 11:01 PM

Q: Why should you never tell jokes on the Falcon?

A: The ship might crack up.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 11:02 PM

Q: Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?

A: Because he's always making new friends.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 11:02 PM

Q: What do you call a person who brings a rancor its dinner?

A: The appetizer.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/13/2008 11:21 PM

Ok, Straw. That's enough now sweetie.

Fratberry 283,028 53
02/13/2008 11:24 PM

I don't know any jokes.

Straw 98,019 37
02/13/2008 11:33 PM

But I'm sure there are some Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter jokes...

Dirty Flatlander 113 6
02/14/2008 12:08 AM

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick.

Q: What do you call a stick that doesn't come back?

A: ...A stick.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/14/2008 12:48 AM

Assassins?

I don't see any ass....

Gnastynate 80 6
02/14/2008 01:01 AM

Q: What did the frog say to the fireman?

A: Help me! Help me! My toadstool is on fire!!!!

(cause everyone knows that frogs actually live in toadstools and firemen are by definition men who handle fires)

Cranky 571 8
02/14/2008 01:02 AM

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left it.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/14/2008 01:59 AM

Who stole the soap?

The robber ducky!

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/14/2008 02:49 AM

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?

A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/14/2008 02:55 AM

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/14/2008 04:10 AM

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/14/2008 04:13 AM

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/14/2008 05:15 AM

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

It's probably dead.

Thud 68,506 19
02/14/2008 06:01 AM

Hi Undies.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/14/2008 07:14 AM

Hi Thud.

Thud 68,506 19
02/14/2008 07:17 AM

Hi Spicey.

rockie_is_amazing 18,570 33
02/14/2008 08:03 AM

There were two muffins sitting in the oven.
one muffin said, "is it hot in here or is it just me?"
the other muffin screamed, "HOLY Shakespeare! IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

rockie_is_amazing 18,570 33
02/14/2008 08:05 AM

<action> watches the goings on in the bar she's at...</action>
Two priests walk into a bar. The Rabbi ducks.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/14/2008 07:53 PM

Q What do you call a fish with no eye?

A. FSH !

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/14/2008 07:54 PM

Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

A. Juan on Juan.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/14/2008 09:04 PM

Did you know deer nuggets are cheaper than chicken nuggets?

Chicken nuggets are $1.49, but deer nuggets are under a BUCK...

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/14/2008 09:06 PM

how much do pirates charge for ear piercing?

a buck an ear.

where do pirates keep their buccaneers?

under their buccanhat.

(read aloud)

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/14/2008 09:49 PM

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/14/2008 10:30 PM

A guy's at home and the doorbell rings. He opens the door and sees a snail looking up at him. He picks up the snail, gives it a huge throw out into the street, closes the door.

Three years later, the doorbell rings. The guy opens the door, sees the snail looking up at him.

Snail says, "What the Frost was that about?"

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/14/2008 10:39 PM

yes undies, training day was a pretty good movie.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/14/2008 11:37 PM

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?

A. Lipstick

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/15/2008 12:10 AM

Why do women have boobs?

So you have something to look t when you're talking to them.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/15/2008 12:26 AM

A family of moles is living in their mole hole. There is a mother, a father, and a baby. One night, the father mole smells something, and sticks his head out their hole. He says "Hey, this smells like baking!" so the mother mole sticks her head out, and says "It does. It smells lovely."

The baby mole couldn't squeeze through the hole, and said "All I smell is mole asses..."

Pram 80,728 42
02/15/2008 12:32 AM

Knock knock,

who's there?

Ether.

Ether who?

Ether Bunny!

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/15/2008 12:38 AM

yes undies, training day was a pretty good movie.

Hey, you're not funny enough to be snarky with Undies. Don't let me catch you doing it again.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/15/2008 01:12 AM

snarky? no, that was not mr. sausage.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/15/2008 01:15 AM

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

Pram 80,728 42
02/15/2008 01:22 AM

Knock knock,

Who's there?

Interrupting coo

Interrupting wh-

MOOOOOOOOOOOO!

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/15/2008 01:26 AM

why doesn't jesus eat m&ms?

they fall through the holes in his hands.

Pram 80,728 42
02/15/2008 01:27 AM

That was supposed to be "cow".

Goddammit.

Pram 80,728 42
02/15/2008 01:28 AM

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG!

DieLawn 494 6
02/15/2008 01:39 AM

What's a pirates favorite place to eat?

ARRRRby's.

drunkenfart 4,871 6
02/15/2008 01:45 AM

pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

bartender says, "hey pal, you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

pirate says, "arrrrrgh! i know, it's driving me nuts!"

Pram 80,728 42
02/15/2008 01:47 AM

An obsessive-compulsive adjusted the door, touched the knob fifty times, and tapped the door jamb twelve times before walking into a bar...

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/15/2008 02:20 AM

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/15/2008 02:21 AM

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A. el-if-i-no

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/15/2008 07:22 PM

How did the farmer mend his pants?

With cabbage patches!

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/15/2008 07:33 PM

What do you get when you cross a rooster, a dog and something gross?

A Coleridgele poodle ew.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/15/2008 08:54 PM

Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A. A cloud

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/15/2008 10:27 PM

Q: Why did the deer cross the road?

A: It was prependicular to his migration path.

MadWorldsOdd 1,728 6
02/15/2008 10:51 PM

Q: How do you find you lost legless dog?

A: Just look where you last put him, he can't get far.


I know it sucked, but I don't usually work clean

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/15/2008 10:55 PM

Not only did it suck, its already been posted in this thread.

Pram 80,728 42
02/15/2008 11:09 PM

What walks on one foot in the morning, one foot in the afternoon, and one foot at night?

An amputee!

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/15/2008 11:19 PM

What's green, hangs on a wall and whistles?

MadWorldsOdd 1,728 6
02/15/2008 11:54 PM

A Herring!

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/16/2008 12:03 AM

Is the answer pram?

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/16/2008 12:44 AM

The odd one is correct. It's a herring.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 63,472 21
02/16/2008 12:46 AM

Is the answer pram ?

Pram 80,728 42
02/16/2008 01:52 AM

<action>turns green and whistles</action>

Pram 80,728 42
02/16/2008 01:52 AM

DON'T LOOK AT ME!

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/16/2008 01:56 AM

What did the cow say to the masked robber?


Moo.

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,067 8
02/16/2008 01:58 AM

Whats red and looks like a bucket?


A red bucket.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/16/2008 02:13 AM

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. Because they have big fingers!

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/16/2008 02:15 AM

Where does the one legged waitress work?

IHOP

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/16/2008 02:17 AM

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 50 Pounds

dangerousbeans 1,172 6
02/16/2008 04:07 AM

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a silk worm?

A Chicken that lays eggs with pantyhose inside!

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/16/2008 06:34 PM

Don't ever kiss your honey,
When your nose is runny;
You might think its funny,
But, believe me, it's not -
Because it's SNOT!

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/16/2008 06:36 PM

There was a duck that went into a drug store and bought some Chapstick.

The clerk asked "Will that be cash or charge?"

The duck said, "Just put it on my bill!"

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/17/2008 02:59 AM

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in
their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/17/2008 03:07 AM

A man walks into a tailor shop in Athens. The tailor points to the hole in the guy's trousers and say, Euripides?

The guy nods and says, Eumenides?

Jelly tipped Neep 35,066 15
02/17/2008 04:21 PM

Well, Stargate got this past the censors, so it must be clean.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/17/2008 09:06 PM

Q: Why do witches ride broomsticks?

A: Vacuum cleaners are too expensive.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/17/2008 09:14 PM

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who is the better programmer. To settle it they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. After the power was restored, God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," said God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display.

Satan was astonished. "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckled and said, "Jesus saves."

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/17/2008 10:58 PM

What do you call a fairy who hasn't taken a bath?

Stinkerbell.

Pram 80,728 42
02/17/2008 11:23 PM

Did you hear about the gun-craszy rapper who developed a nostril medication?

It's called Nas'll Spray.

Pram 80,728 42
02/17/2008 11:24 PM

Craszy is too a word.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/18/2008 10:07 AM

A bear and a rabbit encountered a genie and he gave them each three wishes but they had to take turns asking for them.

The bear went first and he wished for the other bears in his territory to be female. The genie made it so.

The rabbit wished for a helmet. The genie gave him a helmet.

The bear, thinking a little harder, decided next to wish for all of the other bears in the forrest to be female. The genie looked at him wryly, then granted his wish.

The rabbit wished for a motorcycle. The genie gave him a motorcycle.

The bear thought a little harder. After a couple of minutes he looked up at the genie and wished for all the other bears in the world to be female. The genie chuckled, then granted the bear's final wish.

The rabbit looked at the genie, then looked at the bear, then looked back at the genie. He pointed at the bear and said, "I wish that bear was gay."

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/18/2008 09:10 PM

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
02/18/2008 09:16 PM

Yeah but how the hell would they get in there?

Cap'n Morgan 472 6
02/18/2008 09:17 PM

*Guiltlessly stolen from an Internet email*

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2007

(Introduction deleted due to lame 350 character message limit)

1. Teaching Math - 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math - 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math - 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math - 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math - 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok )

6. Teaching Math In 2007

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?