ZUG Live
Comedy ChallengeRacist Jokes
Atticus Jones
02/10/2008 08:41 AMThink of the most racist joke you have ever heard or received and write it here.
How do you get a n***a out of a tree?
-Cut the rope.
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Atticus Jones
02/10/2008 08:43 AMDidn't realize this was already done before.
Well, I guess thats why I'm Mexican and not Chinese.
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Flaming Bag of Shemp!
02/10/2008 10:06 AMWell, I guess thats why I'm Mexican and not Chinese.
Beans and rice!
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Whistler P. McManus
02/10/2008 10:07 AMA Chinese guy walks into a tavern and sees a black guy tending bar.
"Hey, Ogden Nash, pour me a jigger," he demands.
The bartender, who happens to be very sensitive (he might be gay as well as black) gets very upset. He tells the Chinese guy, "You can't say things like that. You have no idea how badly that made me feel. I want you to stand behind the bar, pretend that you work here, and I'll come in and insult you. Maybe you'll see how it feels and learn that actions have consequences."
So the Chinese guy goes behind the bar and the black guy leaves.
A few minutes later the black guy returns and shouts out, "Hey, Chink, pour me a drink!"
The Chinese guy looks up and replies, "I'm sorry, we don't serve Ogden Nashes in here."
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Tee Tee Jay- Ich bin ein Berliner
02/10/2008 10:23 AMMy favorite racist joke? Okay, that's an easy one.
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Racists hate to be enlightened.
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Tee Tee Jay- Ich bin ein Berliner
02/10/2008 10:32 AMI'm sure many here remember how touchy Al can be about these things.
Now, I don't expect you to go and read that whole thread, new guy. So I'll just go ahead and paraphrase what Al had to say to the people in the other racist joke thread-
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Atticus Jones
02/10/2008 10:37 AMWhat do you call a little Mexican?
A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
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Ravos the Radish
02/11/2008 12:13 AMWhat do you call a black peg-legged priest?
Holy Shakespeare on a stick!
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JammLP
02/11/2008 01:50 AMWhat's the differenve between a dead dog in the middle of the road, and a dead black guy?
There are swirve marks in front of the dog.
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JammLP
02/11/2008 01:51 AMWhy is life like a bowl of Jelly beans?
Nobody likes the black ones.
Why do you never put your hand in a bowl of Jelly beans?
The black ones will steal your watch.
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Swords will fuckin' cut you wide open
02/11/2008 04:52 AMWhat do you call a 250 lb 6'2" black man?
Sir.
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6 Odd Foot of Humphrey
02/11/2008 05:42 AMHow do you know when a Chinese guy's burgled your house?
When you get home you laundry's been done, your PC's been upgraded and the Froster is still trying to reverse out of your driveway.
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Chi Chi Felipe
02/11/2008 05:57 AMWhite people have names like "Lenny," and black people have names like "Carl."
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DemoMonkey is neither 5 years old, nor a girl.
02/11/2008 06:24 AMEYES OUT!
WITH STICKS!!
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peoriagrace
02/11/2008 05:41 PMWhy does the whiteman always try to own everything and murder everyone else?
They are crap as lovers and have tiny dicks.
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Megatron
02/11/2008 06:30 PMWhat's white and bigger than 8 inches?
Nothing!
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The Jerk
02/11/2008 11:53 PMWhy did so many black people move to Detroit?
Because they heard there were no jobs there.
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Trae - is great in 2008!
02/12/2008 12:00 AMWhy do all black people have nightmares???
Because the last one who had a dream got shot.
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Filly
02/12/2008 12:08 AMWhat's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
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TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer!
02/12/2008 12:20 AMWhat do you call a black man flying an airplane?
A pilot, you Frost-ing racist.
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Slinky
02/12/2008 01:03 AMWhat's the differance between a black man and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
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Miss, Throw me sumtin Mr. Trixxie
02/12/2008 01:14 AMLittle Johnny came home from school one day after having to take his first shower with the other little children in fourth grade Gym class. "Daddy I had to shower wit de little white chillen and they penises is so little. Why is my penis so much bigger than the white chillen's? Is it because I am black?" and Little Johnny's father answered " well partially little Johnny but mostly it is because you is 16."
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Chickens is a Cowardly Harpoonist
02/12/2008 01:14 AMQ: How many racist threads does it take to make the rest of a website look bad?
A: More than zero.
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Trae - is great in 2008!
02/12/2008 01:16 AMHow many people is Pubah going to kill when he reads this thread??
None - he can't afford air fare.
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peoriagrace
02/12/2008 03:50 AMHow many people is Pubah going to kill when he reads this thread?
Zero; he'll just wait for Darwinism to take over.
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Beater With A Car Antenna
02/12/2008 03:53 AMI beg to differ. Trix, back me up.
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Beater With A Car Antenna
02/12/2008 03:53 AMNot that he knows from personal experience or anything.
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Beater With A Car Antenna
02/12/2008 03:55 AMOh, also, A dumb Ogden Nash walks into a bar. The enlightened white man walked around it.
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Mung Champ
02/12/2008 04:10 AMSo there are 4 people standing by a bridge. One is Japanese, one is French, one is Mexican, and one is American. They all want to throw something off the bridge that they have a lot of in their country. The Japanese guy goes first. He throws off sushi. "There is a lot of sushi in my country." Next is the French guy. He throws off a condom. "There is too much love in my country." Next is the Mexican. He throws off a taco. "There are a lot of tacos in my country." Next is the American. He looks around. He picks up the Mexican guy and throws him off the bridge. "There are a lot of Mexicans in my country."
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Mung Champ
02/12/2008 04:10 AMQ: Why are aspirins white?
A: Because they work.
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Pubah
02/12/2008 04:11 AMZUG...Fair and Balanced
Skin thickening cream is very effective...
...I'll rub it on some of your dead corpesesses and use your pelts to keep me warm...
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Pubah
02/12/2008 04:11 AMExcept Trae...I'll keep her hot ass body around for other things
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TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer!
02/12/2008 04:22 AMNext is the Mexican. He throws off a taco. "There are a lot of tacos in my country."
Frost. You.
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Dogs Akimbo
02/12/2008 04:23 AMHow come they put the black olives into a can?
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sparksinner
02/12/2008 05:11 AMHere's one I heard from a very old man:
Back in the early '30s there were a lot of traveling salesmen. One day I ran across a crowd of people on the street surrounding a big truck. There was a guy hawking a machine that cleaned up Ogden Nashes. He had a few locked up on the side of the truck and tossed one in now and then.
"It's easy and fast, just stick him in here and the system does the rest. Your town will be free of Ogden Nashes in no time."
People were interested and the guy kept talking. Suddenly he reached out, yanked over a Mexican that was walking by and tossed him into the machine. Everyone was shocked and one guy asked, "why the hell did you toss that Mexican in there?"
Without missing a beat guy said, "It's a machine, you gotta grease it now and then."
Awful. I feel dirty having repeated that.
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Wendy Lady
02/12/2008 06:08 AMThank you Pubah. You know I mean nothing of what I say. Well, except THOSE things but we'll keep those private, mmmmmkay?
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr.
02/12/2008 06:10 AMInstead of posting any racist jokes here I will just suggest searching for any of my posts.
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy Jr.
02/12/2008 06:12 AMBut I will quote a joke from a comic I enjoy....
"What's an easy way to start a conversation...What's your favorite color?"
"What's an easy way to end a conversation...What's your favorite color...person?"
-Demetri Martin
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MiracleWh1p
02/12/2008 12:30 PM*reminisce of old lunch-table exchange of jokes*
What's long black and smelly?
the unemployment line
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What do you call three black men leaning up against a barn in the south?
Antique farm tools
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How was the grand canyon formed?
Two Jews dropped a quarter down a gopher hole
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How come a black guy and a Mexican don't have children?
Because they'd be too lazy to steal
I'm terribly sorry.
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Pubah
02/12/2008 04:28 PMHugs Trae
I was kidding about killing everybody...
...I ment what I said about your hot assed body.
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The Jerk
02/12/2008 10:26 PMA polish guy is at the drive-in with his girlfriend. She asks him, "Do you want to get in the back seat?" He replies, "No way! I want to stay up here with you."
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The Jerk
02/12/2008 10:33 PMA polish guy goes into a public washroom and sees a sign above the crapper that says "Toilet Paper Only" so he Shakespeares on the floor.
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Marmite blocks toilets
02/12/2008 10:39 PMHere's some childish racist jokes from my youth:
How do you drown a n****r?
Pop his lips.
What do you call 2 ethiopians in a sleeping bag?
Twix.
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Chance
02/12/2008 10:43 PMSTOP BUMPING THIS STUPID Frost-ing THREAD YOU Frost-ing IDIOTS!
I'm prejudice against stupid people.
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The Jerk
02/12/2008 10:49 PMWhat happened when the Ethiopian fell into the alligator pit?
She ate two of them before the rest could get the hell out of there.
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Mung Champ
02/13/2008 12:07 AMWhy is 6 afraid of 7? Cause 7 raped 6's mother.
And no 7 was not black, he was Native American.
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peoriagrace
02/13/2008 05:27 PMHow many Ethiopians can you fit in a shower?
I don't know they keep slipping down the drain.
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them.
When is it time to slap a midget?
When he says gee your hair smells terrific.
When is it time to slap a male midget if you're a guy?
When he says gee your hair smells terrific from behind you.
COLD WINTER!
The Blackfeet asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like crazy!
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peoriagrace
02/13/2008 05:32 PMTHE BRONZE RAT
A Cheyenne guy went to Chinatown in San Francisco. While there he found a bronze rat at a thrift store. "How much do you want for the rat" he asked. "$3 for the rat and $1000 for the story that goes with it" said the shopkeeper. "Just give me the rat," the Cheyenne said, and then he left with it. As he walked down the street he noticed a couple of rats following him. As he walked further, more and more rats started chasing him. By the time he got to the bay, there were thousands of rats chasing him. So he climbed up a pole and threw the bronze rat into the water. To his amazement, all the rats jumped into the water.
The Cheyenne then returned to the thrift store. "Ahh" the china man said. "Now you would like to hear the story?"
"No" said the Cheyenne, "I just came back to see if you had any bronze white men!"
MONTANA DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND GAME ADVISORY ON BEARS
Helena Montana, January 31, 1999 - In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. "We advise that outdoorsmen should wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them," a spokesman said. "We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear".
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear paw prints and scat.
A grizzly's paw is larger and its claws are longer than that of a black bear. Black bear scat contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
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peoriagrace
02/13/2008 05:33 PMAnglos have BC and AD to measure time. Native People only have the four BC's
Before Columbus
Before Custer
Before Commodity....
Before Costner!!
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drunkenfart
02/13/2008 10:03 PMwhy do black people lean to so far to the right when they are driving in their car?
they think the smell is coming from the outside.
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drunkenfart
02/13/2008 10:05 PMthe definition of confusion?
father's day in harlem
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drunkenfart
02/13/2008 10:06 PMhow do you kill 20 flies at once?
hit an Ethiopian in the face with a shovel.
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Nachos - Misanthropy = good, Sociopathy = bad.
02/13/2008 10:23 PMWhat's better than a dead black man?
Eliminating 50-60% of the global population, compressing and fossilizing their matter to form building materials, putting in strict population control procedures and putting control of the planet in the hands of people with a global world-view. Then trimming off another 5% to allow the illusion of population growth in the future.
I'm a human racist.
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drunkenfart
02/13/2008 10:25 PMwhy do mexicans drive low riders?
so they can still pick lettuce while they drive.
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blackguy
02/13/2008 10:28 PMI got a joke:
why do white people smell like bologna?
seriously they do. no joke.
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drunkenfart
02/13/2008 10:33 PMi was always told by my black friends that we smell like dogs. (seriously)
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Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero
02/13/2008 11:50 PMHow do you stop five black guys from raping a white chick?
Throw them a basketball.
OHGOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
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Max Coolbody
02/14/2008 02:29 AMOne bright, summer day a salesman approaches the owner of a golf course.
Salesman: "Hello sir! I believe I can be of great service to you."
Owner: "Oh?"
Salesman: "Yes indeed! I know it must be quite a job finding the right people to maintain this golf course, and with all the land here, it must cost a fortune for you to pay all your workers and keep the grounds well-kept."
Owner: "Why yes, as a matter of fact, you're right. What can you do?"
Salesman: "For the low low price of $500, I can offer you the very best in golf course maintenance: Ten shiny new robots designed to do all of the maintenance work on your golf course."
The salesman was paid his money and the exchange was made. Two weeks later, the salesman came back to check up with the owner.
Salesman: "Why hello there sir, how are my fantastic robots working for you?"
Owner: "Well I must admit they do outstanding work. But one of the biggest complaints I hear from the players here is that the sun seems to be reflecting off of the robots. They find it very distracting."
Salesman: "Well if that's the case we can simply paint them black!"
The robots were painted black and left to their work. Another two weeks went by, and the salesman returned.
Salesman: "And how are my robots working for you now?"
Owner: "Terrible. Since the last time I saw you, 8 of the robots haven't showed up to work, and the other two robbed the 7-11 downtown."
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Mung Champ
02/14/2008 03:00 AMWhat happened to the Chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed his his nose.
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KChiki needs a new witty tagline.
02/14/2008 04:14 AMWhat's the worst thing about being a black jew?
Having to sit in the back of the oven.
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Dogs Akimbo
02/14/2008 05:11 AMI absolutely refuse to tell jokes that play upon the stereotypes of African-Americans.
I will, however, set them up:
What has ten legs and says "Ho dee doh! Ho dee doh!"
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MiracleWh1p
02/14/2008 10:31 AMWhat has ten legs and says, "HO DEE DOE! HO DEE DOE!"
Five black guys running for the elevator
What's the most positive thing about Harlem?
HIV
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Thud
02/14/2008 10:50 AMPlease let this thread die.
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Mung Champ
02/15/2008 02:26 AMQ What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A. Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
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Nikku
02/15/2008 03:34 AMQ: Why does Beyonce sing "To the left to the left"?
A: Because blacks dont have rights.
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The Jerk
02/16/2008 02:15 AMAn Indian chief and his son are standing in a field when the chief gets on his hands and knees and lowers his ear to the ground.
Chief: Buffalo come
Son: Can you hear them?
Chief: No, ground sticky.
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Max Coolbody
02/16/2008 02:53 AMQ: What do you call one black guy on the moon?
A: Problem
Q: What do you call 25 plack people on the moon?
A: A bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all black people on the moon?
A: Problem solved.
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drunkenfart
02/16/2008 03:11 AMhow do you kill a black guy?
hang his head out of a car going 60 miles per hour and let his lips beat him to death.
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Ravos, The Dreaded Gabberwocky
02/23/2008 02:51 AMWhy are black people tall?
Their knee-grows!
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Mung Champ
02/23/2008 04:24 AMHow do you know when an Ethiopian is pregnant?
When you pull the tampon out, its half eaten.
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MadWorldsOdd
02/23/2008 04:25 AMWhat do you have when 2 Chinese guys a Mexican and 3 black guys are standing in your yard?
A Sprinkler
Chink Chink Spick Nigga nigga nigga
None are safe!
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reaperman86
05/15/2008 08:55 AMhow do you fit 500 jews in a car?
2 in the front
3 in the back
495 in the ashtray!
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reaperman86
05/15/2008 08:59 AMhow come jews smell bad?
so blind people can hate them to!
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Hairybagel
05/15/2008 09:10 AMWhat's long and hard on an 18 year old black man?
The eigth grade.
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Fried Pickles Are Yummy
05/15/2008 09:47 AMQ: Why is there white chocolate?
A: So black kids can get their faces dirty too.
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Doctor Acula
05/15/2008 10:12 AMreaperman86
Imposter!
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Nachos - Sociopaths of the world unite!
05/15/2008 10:12 AMQ: How do you gather a large amount of retarded people in one place?
A: Start a racist jokes thread on Gab and let them post in it.
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Squirrel McNut
05/16/2008 02:11 AMA black man and his friend who just happens to be a Mexican, are sitting on the top of a steel girder eating lunch.
The Mexican says to his friend, "Damn it if she makes me tacos again I'm going to jump off this building". The black guy looking at his lunch replies, "Peanut butter and jelly again, me too".
The next day at lunch the mexican guy looks in his lunch bag and say's, "Taco's again, Frost it", and jumps. The black guy looks at his and say's, "Pb&j", and he jumps.
At the funeral days later, the mexican's wife say's to the black guys wife, "I don't understand. Why didn't he just tell me not to make him taco's?" The black guys wife say to her "I don't understand either. He makes his own lunch."
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RevengeEd
05/23/2008 04:56 PMBlack people are great.
Every family should own one.
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Funkmaster BobJohnson
05/23/2008 05:13 PMI don't have a racist joke better than TTJ's, so I'm going to use this thread for a nice clean joke (which also happens to have been Kurt Vonnegut's favorite joke).
Every day a man would walk across the border with a wheelbarrow full of unusual items. He always acted suspicious, so the customs agents knew he was smuggling something.
But each time he passed, no matter how hard they searched, they could find nothing illegal. No drugs, no weapons, duties on every item paid in full.
This went on for years.
Finally, when one of the agents was about to retire, he took the man aside. "It's my last day," he said, "I'm not going to turn you in. But I'm curious . . . tell me what you've been smuggling all this time."
"My friend, I'm smuggling wheelbarrows."
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drunkenfart
05/28/2008 04:29 PMwhat do you say when you wake up and see your tv floating in mid air?
"drop it **n-bomb**!!!!"
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Nerd is a Race-List
05/28/2008 05:16 PMA Priest a Nun and a Rabbi all walk into a bar. The priest orders a Water, the Nun orders a Diet Soda and the Rabbi orders a Milk.
Ogden Nash.
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jxn sally
05/30/2008 12:36 AMBUMP!
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jxn sally
05/30/2008 12:37 AM
i did it for chance...the Carroll!
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Dogs Akimbo
05/30/2008 12:42 AMHow many pollacks does it take to change a lightbulb? No, wait, how do you get two pollacks to change a lightbulb?
Four, because they're so darn stupid!
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Lynn Lucifer
06/01/2008 12:03 AMThere where to twos walking past a building where they're friend worked and saw police cars. They run up worried about there friend and see a dead body. Someone had fallen off the roof. The first Jew asks a Police man if its their friend. So the nice police man asks if their friend had any distinquishing marks. The second Jews then says "He has to Emersons" The police man gives him a strange look but the first Jew understands and says. "Yea every time we went to the bar with him the bartender always said, Hey look its that nigga and his to Emersons"
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Dogs Akimbo
06/01/2008 12:12 AMWas he a nigga or a Jew. C'mon, get your story straight.
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Obese
06/01/2008 12:13 AMFrost-ing damn dirty twos.
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Running with Scissors
06/01/2008 12:28 AMQ: What do you call one white guy with two black guys?
A: Victim
Q: What do you call one white guy with five black guys?
A: Coach
Q: What do you call one white guy with twenty black guys?
A: Boss
Q: What do you call one white guy with 1,000 black guys?
A: Warden
Q: What do you call one white guy with 10,000 black guys?
A: Post Master General
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Bill the Squirrel from the future
06/01/2008 08:45 AMWhat's the difference between an American girl and an arab girl?
American girls get stoned before they commit adultery.
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BlaCkMaGic
07/16/2008 03:38 AM- A duck walks in a hardware store, goes up to the counter, and asks the man, "Got any Tweets" (Meaning Treats)
-And the guy says, "umm no, this is a hardware store we dont carry anything like that, PetSmart is right down the street tho..."
so the duck waddles out..
-Next day the duck goes back to the same hardware store, waddles back to the counter and asks "Got any Tweets"
-"Man i just told you yesterday this is a Freakin hardware store, we dont carry "Tweets" come in here again and i'll nail your beak to the wall!"
so the duck leaves
-Third day the duck paces back in the hardware store, marches up to the counter, and asks "Got any Nails"
-"No..."
-"Got any Tweets!! =) "
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Dogs Akimbo: more obtuse than youse
07/16/2008 07:17 AMWas that duck a wop?
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GrammarNazi - Call Me Grammarista
07/16/2008 08:22 AMDear God. This thread wasn't necessary the first time around. Let it DIE already.
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Pickle Sniffer
07/16/2008 08:58 AMWow. I post a slam a few days ago referring to Muslims as towel heads, and I get an email from Hargrave about how I am offending people and that many people have complained about my usage of said racial slur, and if I do it again, I will get banned. Yet, here a similar thread is still hanging around, and people still get orbs from it
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(ascii art poached from TTJ.)
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Squiirly
07/16/2008 09:29 AMYeah, but nobody likes you.
You must be a minority, right?
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Chances are.....
07/16/2008 09:36 AMPickle Sniffer- We do not condone this thread or the idiots whom have posted in it. Matter of factly, it discust me that people are STILL contributing to the thread. That being said, I wont be posting in this thread again and if you decide to still post here shame on you! SHAME SHAME I KNOW YOUR NAME!
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Ditdah
07/16/2008 09:41 AMYeah, don't discust Chance.
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Chances are.....
07/16/2008 09:42 AMShakespeare. WHATEVER! DISGUST! DISGUST!
Also, I lied. This is my last post.
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Marginally Ravos
07/16/2008 10:01 AMFool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
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Mung Champion
07/16/2008 10:24 AMFool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Or something like that.
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