Anh is here on the regular. 11,108 14
02/21/2008 04:33 PM

There are no stupid questions, just stupid answers.

Like yours.

Stop, Drop, and Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 04:57 PM

I got loads of these when I worked at Tims, but I get a fair share at the gallery as well.


The ones I hate are the people who ask who is the artist. I've bitched about it before.

When you enter the gallery, you pass two posters with the artist's name, as well as a vinyl sign. Once in the gallery, there is the catalogue, card, and price list on the desk, which people almost always look at before/while asking me. There are also generally labels next to each piece of work with the artist's name written there as well, and the way the gallery is set up, you pass between 4 and 30 of these before you even reach the reception area, depending on the show.

Can people not figure this Shakespeare out?!

Sylvester Clemmons and the Cocks of Chaos 119 6
02/21/2008 05:08 PM

Another good question, directed to a person complete with a blue wal mart smock and name tag: "Do you work here?" A question that everyone has heard at one time or another, no doubt, but still a classic.

Stop, Drop, and Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 06:47 PM

I get asked a lot if I'm the artist.

Even when it is clearly a male name and there is a prominent photograph of the 80-year-old artist in his studio displayed.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/21/2008 08:19 PM

I used to work at a Zellers, and there would be this blind guy who came in every week. He would ask for Orange juice made specifically in Canada. We didn't carry any, so he'd ask for Orange & Banana juice, which we told him we didn't have. He would then ask again for Orange juice from Canada. Then Orange & Banana juice. Rinse & repeat.

Anyway, sometimes we would hand him something, and he decided he didn't want it, so he would just hold it out, and yell "n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-o! CANCEL CANCEL!"

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/21/2008 08:20 PM

Another time, I had a customer ask me where the books were. They were right behind him, so I just kind of pointed. He turned around and was like "wow, I'm an idiot."

At least he was willing to admit it.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/21/2008 08:22 PM

I love to go into the dollar store and repeatedly ask for price checks.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/21/2008 08:29 PM

I worked in IT for Bread & Circus, which I think had already been bought by Whole Foods when this happened.

I was working at the Wellesley store, working with the poorly named POS systems and I was on the sales floor talking to the produce manager.

For those not aware of it, Wellesley--the town where Hillary's (and my wife's) alma mater is at--is a very rich, very white, very stuck up town.

This old bat comes in, with her poodle hair and fur coat, and just stands there, six feet from us, staring indignantly at an empty point in space.

After a good three minutes, the produce manager excuses himself from our conversation and walks over to the woman. "Can I help you, ma'am?" he asks.

She looks at him as though he were a homeless negro at an Alabama country club (he was as white as white can be) and says, her voice dripping with venom, "Do you expect me to choose my groceries by myself?"

Briham knows how to use the Three Seashells 38,843 9
02/21/2008 08:37 PM

Never worked retail, but I'm a waiter at a chinese restaurant.

One question we get a lot is "do you have ketchup?" We have no tomatos or tomato products. It is almost always asked by parents whose kids want sweet and sour chicken without the sauce so they can pretend they're chicken nuggets. There's a McDonalds across the street.

One kid asked if we could make eggrolls without onions for him. While the eggrolls are made from scratch, the cooks make them in large quantities, fry them once, and store them in the freezer to be quick fried and served later. We're not going to make special eggrolls for anyone. Before I could say "no" to the kid, his mom told him to stop asking dumb questions.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/21/2008 08:38 PM

I had someone walk in, look directly at the milk, and ask "Where's the milk?" and I'm like "Right there." Not hard to miss, when 8 feet of shelves in front of you is milk. She grabs one and asks where the yogurt is. "Take 2 steps to the right."

She proceeds to do the same with the cheese.

Stop, Drop, and Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 08:39 PM

People act like that at our private views.

I usually serve the wine at PVs. People will come up and stand near, an empty glass just sort of held out into empty space vaguely near the wine counter, while they continue their oh-so-interesting conversation with their oh-so-fabulous friends, and I just keep pouring wine for the people who actually bother to look me in the eye and tell me what the hell they are drinking.

Eventually, there is the "excuse me a moment," to their friends, the "hello, I've been waiting?!" to me, and then the massive sigh as they have to think of something on their own, when I ask them to tell me would they like red or white.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/21/2008 08:42 PM

I had one woman come in looking for ridiculously specific items. It was like she was on a scavenger hunt. "I need a purple duotang, a single yellow pencil crayon, and a green marker"

We don't sell single crap like that.

Stop, Drop, and Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 08:44 PM

Another good one is the people who refuse to figure out how to open a door.

They ring the bell. I wave that they can come in. They sigh, press half-heartedly on the handle, ring the bell again. Again, I wave, maybe call "It's unlocked, you can come in!" They sigh again, push on the handle, and either finally give the door the nudge it needs to open inwards, or give up and walk away.


Then there are those who come by when we're changing exhibitions. We stick a large CLOSED sign on the door, take down the outside posters, and turn out the front lights so we look very very closed.

Inevitably, at least two or three times a day, someone rings the bell, asking "Are you open?"

Briham knows how to use the Three Seashells 38,843 9
02/21/2008 08:45 PM

Normally we will try to accomadate custom orders, as long as it is within reason. One couple came in and asked me for an incredibly complicated dish. From what I can remember, they wanted the dish with tofu instead of meat, several vegetables added in, and peanuts added in. They both wanted the peanuts cooked with the food instead of added in later as a topping, and one of them wanted to peanuts cooked longer than the other. There were probably a few other things as well. I tried to enter it into the computer, and asked my manager (one of the co-owners) to help me figure out how to enter in some of this stuff. She went over to the table and started scolding the customers until they left. One thing I like about my bosses is that they don't give a Shakespeare if a customer threatens to never come back.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/21/2008 08:48 PM

I've had to deal with the same customer twice, and she is the kind of person who asks every possible question. She wanted an air dehumidifier. So I am helping her choose one. She wants to know if it might blow her fuse, because she only has one outlet in her apartment, apparently. I had to spend an hour with her, because she wanted to know what kind of warranty it had, etc. I told her "I didn't make it, I work for the store, not the company that made it." and she wanted me to call the company for her to ask them some questions. I gave her the number and told her to call for herself.

BillSalamie 66,795 11
02/21/2008 08:50 PM

All questions by customers are stupid because customers are Emersons.

Stop, Drop, and Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 08:50 PM

What kind of store do you work for where you don't need to know the warranty info for the products you sell? That's pretty standard knowledge.

Sylvester Clemmons and the Cocks of Chaos 119 6
02/21/2008 08:52 PM

another good one was a gentlemen who called our store and asked for our department. I was the only one there at the time, so I took his call. He asked, "Yeah, what kind of DVDs do you guys have?" Wondering if he was looking for a specific one of our 1,000+ movies, I ask him,"Are you looking for anything in particular?"
His reply: "No, I want to know what movies you guys have!"
Me still in disbelief: "You mean, all of them?"
Him:"Yeah, all of them."
I promptly hung up.

Briham knows how to use the Three Seashells 38,843 9
02/21/2008 09:05 PM

Another server told me about a couple that came in, walked past the 8 foot tall wooden Buddha stature and sat down and looked at the menus for ten minutes. When the waitress came for their orders, they asked if this was Bennigan's.

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/21/2008 09:09 PM

I worked at Zellers, and the area I was helping her in was not my department. I knew the store warranty, which is the same on practically everything, but she wanted to know the company warranty. I even had to open the box and remove everything (from several different models) because she wanted to see the size of each. You should be able to assume a certain amount from the size of the box itself.

Chickens is a Cowardly Harpoonist 282,028 58
02/21/2008 09:13 PM

Stock Market. Mutual Funds. It's what I do.

"Can I lose money?"

No, of course not, that's why it's on the news every night. No one ever loses money. It's a miracle.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/21/2008 09:19 PM

I can't Frost-ing stand people who make special orders in restaurants. Hey, Emersons, if you want it done up your way, cook it your Frost-ing damn self.

We recently moved our offices and I immediately found this awesome Chinese place. Several online reviewers have remarked that the staff "hate white people," so I knew this was the place for me. Sho nuff, the entire menu is devoid of that stupid American Shakespeare that dumbass ignorant Emersons think is actual Chinese food.

Then I noticed that under the menu, they had given me a second, smaller menu. This one contained the lunch specials that included General Gau's chicken, Kung Pao Anus, and sides of egg roll and chicken wings.

After three visits of getting Shakespeare that I know the chef is good at, they don't give me the gweilo menu no more and they are very polite. And the only peepee in my coke is from the young, hot waitress.

So, in closing, any customer who orders kung pao, general gao/tso, foo yung, or flied lice is a Frost-ing idiot and when they reach hell, Satan himself will pee in their coke. The coke will be flat and the pee will be very bitter.

Oh yeah. Special orders. The chef makes it the way it is on the menu for a reason. If you can't show the common courtesy to respeck that, you deserve every drop of bodily fluids that the kitchen staff put in your meal. And they most definitely do.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/21/2008 09:20 PM

My office phone is one digit off from the local Home Depot's number, and while I am accomodating to a fault for my customers, I have no qualms at all about Frost-ing with theirs.

Me: Hello, giant printing company.

Them: Is this Home Depot?

Me: No, it's giant printing company.

Them: What time do you close?

Me: We only close for Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Them: I went over there last night to get some machine screws and you were closed.

Me: Well, we were open last night, but you wouldn't have been able to get any machine screws here.

Them: You don't have any machine screws?

Me: Oh, we have some, but we don't sell them.

Them: You don't sell them?

Me: Nope. Try Loews.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/21/2008 09:20 PM

<action>reads Chickens' post. Takes money out of Vinnie's Stocks n' Shakespeare. Puts money in cookie jar.</action>

Straw 95,470 36
02/21/2008 09:36 PM

You know what, I don't delude myself into thinking that Chinese restaurant food is real Chinese food or that Taco Bell is real Mexican food. And I certainly acknowledge that there are way better tasting cheeseburgers than what McDonald's serves and way better pizzas than what you'll find at Domino's.

But guess what? I happen to like the taste of General Tso's chicken. I happen to think TB chalupas are fantastic. Quarter pounders with cheese make me whimper. And a Domino's extra thin crust pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms brings me to orgasm.

I am sick and Frost-ing tired of people telling me that just because something isn't AUTHENTIC that it isn't worth eating. Frost you! I will eat my goddamn Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs and I will do it with a Shakespeare-eating grin on my face (pun intended, Emersons).

Chickens is a Cowardly Harpoonist 282,028 58
02/21/2008 09:46 PM

Along the same lines, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the following statement:

"and so Mrs. Lebowski, you've averaged right around 8.5% return this year, which fits nicely with your investment risk profile.


YES, BUT WHAT I WANT IS A BIGGER RETURN AND NO CHANCE OF LOSING.

Choose one or the other, fatass."

Ravos, the Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/21/2008 09:47 PM

Sweet & Sour chicken balls are the bomb-diggidy. Even though they are just chicken nuggets in a sauce which is sweet and/or sour.

dropkick brody 43,075 12
02/21/2008 10:04 PM

Most random question I got while working at the local chippy was 'how do you get the pickled eggs out of the big jar?'

Frosted if I cared.

Stop, Drop, and Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 10:06 PM

Along the same lines, I cannot tell you how many times I've heard the following statement:


"I thought about buying this artist a few years ago [ie: before they became mega-popular and prices soared]. Can I get this painting I saw then for half of what it is worth now? That's the price it was when I saw it."


No way, retard. You should have bought it then, if you liked it so much.

Gnastynate 80 5
02/21/2008 10:23 PM

I used to work for a computer repair store that was also an ISP. One day I got a call from an older gentleman who wanted to start using our Internet service. I proceeded to walk him through setting it all up and he let me go on for about a minute and then he asked me how to "click" on something on the computer. I thought he was joking at first, but it turns out he didn't know what the mouse was for and had been clicking his fingers at the monitor..... I advised him to bring the computer in.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
02/21/2008 10:24 PM

I am sick and Frost-ing tired

When Straw gets up on her high horse, you can see right up her skirt.

Yowza!

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
02/21/2008 10:26 PM

I can deal with stupid questions from my clients; they're giving me cash money to do it.

What troubles me at work, though, is the one co-worker who threatens to take me outside and beat me up whenever I try to get him to do his job.

Chickens is a Cowardly Harpoonist 282,028 58
02/21/2008 10:26 PM

You should reply, sure, just go back in time and buy it at that price. Buy me some 1979 Microsoft stock while you're at it, MKay?

Sylvester Clemmons and the Cocks of Chaos 119 6
02/21/2008 10:40 PM

I once had a gentlemen who said that he had to return some DVDs because his mother claimed that they were inappropriate for his 12 year old sister. He started browsing some movies and held one out to me, asking me, "Sir, do you think my little sister could watch this one? Is it appropriate?"
The movie the man held was the 300.
I told him with the straightest face I could muster, "Sir, this is the most wholesome family entertainment that you will find this year." He smiled and left, his copy of 300 in tow. Oh, how I love ruining lives.

syncope 49,000 13
02/21/2008 10:47 PM

Working at the video store was the greatest job of my life and I'd still do it if I could support myself on $8/hour. The little town I worked in had an assisted living home (read: 'tard palace) and they would periodically let the people out to roam the streets.

One guy, his name was John something, was fat with scruffy red hair and freckles that Lindsay Lohan would find distasteful. The first time I met him he followed me around the store for the better part of an hour asking what I thought of his beard.

"Hey syncope, do you like my beard?" He ended every sentence with a slightly higher pitch and stress on his voice. Like he was stoned.

"It's good John."

"How much trouble?"

"Huh?"

Repeat. Ad nauseum. Ad infinitum.

Day after day John would come in, ask what I thought of his beard, and ask how much trouble. He never said what the trouble was about. Sometimes he asked if I would grow a beard.

I miss that big fat tard.

Pram 78,178 40
02/21/2008 10:50 PM

Yeah, at my work, a stupid question is, "Hey, I don't have ID, can I just give you my birthdate?"

Yeah, because people don't lie! EVAR!!1

"Yes", I say. "You can give me your birthdate, and then you can give me your ID. You can do this in any order you like, but you still won't have a choice."

Then I make a death metal face and say "OOOORRRRRRRrr".

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 10:58 PM

Working at the video store was the greatest job of my life and I'd still do it if I could support myself on $8/hour. The little town I worked in had an assisted living home (read: 'tard palace) and they would periodically let the people out to roam the streets.


Hey, my home town has one of those too! And a battered women's shelter! And a drug addiction clinic! And a women's prison! And a major branch of Mormonism!


We get all the crazies.

Miss, Throw me sumtin Mr. Trixxie 65,014 14
02/21/2008 11:06 PM

When I go into a retail store and the sales clerk cops some kind of tude with me, I ask some kind of really stupid question so they can start to feel superior and then I spit in their face and remind them they are nothing but a Frost-ing sales cleck.

syncope 49,000 13
02/21/2008 11:13 PM

We didn't have Mormonism or battered women (well, we had battered women, we just didn't shelter them) but we DID have the greatest Denny's ever. (second story from the top)

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 11:17 PM

Anthony Lindhorst, of Waterloo, is charged with five counts of aggravated battery for allegedly [...] mixing his semen into the restaurant's sauce.



Dear syncope,






Fag.


Sincerely,

SCB.

BillSalamie 66,795 11
02/21/2008 11:21 PM

I worked at a rental car company a while ago and these Indian guys returned a car once and asked for a discount because they had a flat tire. I told them that flat tires happen, and we changed it for them, so why should they get a discount? One guy said, "We had scared feelings on our journey."

Also, when I worked at a bookstore some kid , 9 or 10 years old, came up and asked for a gift card. I asked how much he wanted it for, and he said $20. So I said, "That'll be $20." and he goes, "Oh, I only have five."

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 11:37 PM

In kind of a flip, one of the stupidest questions I've been asked in a retail environment was by the clerk. I may have posted it before.

I was in Sainsbury's, which is a grocery chain. In the UK, you can buy alcohol just about anywhere, from any counter in the shops, with your groceries. They just ID you at the till and it's no big deal.

I was doing a rush shop for work, the girl scans all my items and then asks me for ID. Now, I go to this Sainsbury's practically every day to buy work lunches, and most of the cashiers know me on sight. This one, I guess, was new.

I tell her I don't have any ID on me, and I'm a bit confused as to why I need it.

She replies 'It's a new store policy. We have to ID everyone, even if you're over 21.' (Generally, if you look over 21, you don't get ID'd anymore.)


Right. . . even if you're not buying anything alcoholic?


Yeah. I got ID'd trying to buy bread, ham, soup and vegetables. The girl even called her manager over to check to was okay before she'd let me pay and leave with my Frost-ing groceries. So. Frost-ing. Dumb.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/21/2008 11:43 PM

I am sick and Frost-ing tired of people telling me that just because something isn't AUTHENTIC that it isn't worth eating. Frost you!

I don't need to tell you to eat Shakespeare, because you are.

I don't need to tell you that you are insulting their culture and yours (if you have any) because you obviously don't care.

I don't need to tell you that these foods are delicious anyway, because you and I know that.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/21/2008 11:44 PM

I used to work with a rather irrating guy named Karl. I did my best to avoid contact with him, but somehow he would manage to corner me nearly every day. And every day, without fail, he would ask me if I had found Jesus.

Normally I would say something to the effect of not knowing that Jesus was lost, or that he was mopping the bathroom floors, mowing the lawn, had gone back to Puerto Rico, etc.

And then Karl would say, "Once you find Jesus, Jimmy, you've got the whole boil of wax." I regret never asking him what a boil of wax was or why I would want any of it, let alone the whole thing. I also regret not punching him for calling me Jimmy.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/21/2008 11:47 PM

"I thought about buying this artist a few years ago [ie: before they became mega-popular and prices soared]. Can I get this painting I saw then for half of what it is worth now? That's the price it was when I saw it."

There needs to be a law passed that whoever asks this question gets a mandatory kick in the balls and/or babymaker with a ski boot.

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 11:47 PM

I don't need to tell you that these foods are delicious anyway, because you and I know that.


Weirdly enough, after being in a country where I can get actual Chinese/Thai/other Asian cuisine (or a closer approximation, anyway), sometimes I really miss American Style Chinese food.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
02/21/2008 11:48 PM

One of the things that annoyed me most back when I did tech support was customers who tried to convince me every problem was my responsibility.

It typically went something like this:

Customer: My computer won't turn on. All I get is a blank screen.

Bob: We're your Internet provider. I can only help you with that. I can give you the number for Dell or HP, though, if you'd like.

Customer: This is an Internet problem.

Bob: Um, it doesn't sound like it.

Customer: I can't get on the Internet when my computer's broken, so it's an Internet problem.

Bob: . . .

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/21/2008 11:53 PM

Confidential to Al: a lot of us will try just about anything you put on a menu. But if it isn't on the menu, and we aren't Chinks ourselves, how the Frost are we supposed to know enough to order it? We think that greasy slop is Chinese food because Chinamen make it for us and sell it to us as such.

Now shut up and fry me some wontons.

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/21/2008 11:53 PM

Heh, a friend of mine used to do support for a small electronics company in my home town. He would drive to people's homes to fix things for them, and he was on call basically all the time. His calls would often go like this:

"Hello, Local Electronics, Dan speaking. (pause) Your new tv won't turn on? (pause) Okay, just out of the box - did you plug it in yet? No? You didn't? Okay, well, first plug it in (pause) Oh, you don't want to do that? (pause) You want me to come do it for you? Right, you don't want to make a mistake plugging it in. Alright, where do you live? (pause) About an hour's drive away, I see. And you're sure I can't talk you through plugging it in over the phone? (pause) Okay, just checking. I'll be there tomorrow. Call me if you want to try plugging it in yourself. Bye bye."

Chickens is a Cowardly Harpoonist 282,028 58
02/21/2008 11:55 PM

I regret never asking him what a boil of wax was or why I would want any of it, let alone the whole thing.

You have no idea what you are missing, Jimmy.

Miss, Throw me sumtin Mr. Trixxie 65,014 14
02/22/2008 12:01 AM

"We didn't have Mormonism or battered women (well, we had battered women, we just didn't shelter them) but we DID have the greatest Denny's ever. (second story from the top)"


Umm, the honey-mustard sauce seems to have a little extra wang in it today.

Straw 95,470 36
02/22/2008 12:01 AM

I don't need to tell you that you are insulting their culture and yours (if you have any) because you obviously don't care.

Fine. From now on, I'll go to that restaurant down the street called Americanized Food That Somewhat Mimics Chinese Food But Not Really So Please Don't Pretend That It Is.

Wait, it's not called that? It's called China Wok? Oh well, I guess I can't have kung pao any more because heaven forbid someone's feathers get ruffled.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
02/22/2008 12:11 AM

"Hi, I'd like to place a carry-out order...my name is Jimmy...I'll take a pint of General Tso's chicken and a full order of boiled wax."

Dave's not here, but his mojo is workin 52,810 16
02/22/2008 12:12 AM

"Why can't i get my AOL to connect?"

Customer was calling from the UAE.

Jihad Joe: The REAL Arabian Hero 6,045 7
02/22/2008 12:15 AM

I'm working at RadioShack to help make the college bill a little easier to handle*. A lot of people come in with cell phones complaining that they don't work, because they don't know how to turn the damned things on.







*I'm not a spoiled rich kid like taco.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 12:15 AM

Straw, that dish is so you.

Ravos, The Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/22/2008 12:19 AM

I was buying alcohol one time, and got ID'd, and the woman is like "I just need to check if you look under 25 (legal age is 19 here), cause you look like you're 12." My girlfriend just started laughing her ass off.

I would like to note I do not look like a kid. I've had people think I look 27.

Straw 95,470 36
02/22/2008 12:21 AM

I love you, Al. I'm just pissy because I started a new diet today and I've already used 13 of my 24 points.

Ravos, The Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/22/2008 12:23 AM

Don't worry straw, I hear you get 10 extra points if you run over that homeless fellow.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 12:38 AM

love you, Al. I'm just pissy because I started a new diet today and I've already used 13 of my 24 points.

That's quite all right. I will refrain from tempting you with bacon, steaks, cheeseburgers, ice cream, chocolate, and a lovely little dish that I like to call "Fat, Sweet, and Better-than-Titties."

dropkick brody 43,075 12
02/22/2008 12:46 AM

I'm betting it has cow udder in it.

No thankyou.

Briham knows how to use the Three Seashells 38,843 9
02/22/2008 02:28 AM

Phuc, I must confess, the restaurant I work at does serve the faux-chinese food that you so hate. In their defense, however, it's very good quality. Their dishes, while similar in name, are of a totally different class from those you usually find in cheap chinese take-out places or buffets. I submit the menu to you for judgement. Is there anything there that can be considered genuine chinese, or are they all americanized?

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 02:34 AM

This is the first authentic menu I've seen.

Thud 66,695 17
02/22/2008 07:05 AM

Al, come to San Francisco. We have restaurants in Chinatown that would make you happy.

Not a word of English, either spoken or on the menus.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
02/22/2008 10:40 AM

Briham,
I'd like to get six orders of Crab Rangoon for delivery, please.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 05:52 PM

There is a special place in heaven for the person who invented deep-fried cream cheese.

It's right next to the place where the only heaven-bound Canadian is: the guy who invented poutine.

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/22/2008 06:50 PM

Just now:

"Hi, I'm here to see your F. L. show. I got the card. Why isn't it on?"

"I'm sorry, that show ended in November."

"No, it didn't. I have the card right here. See - " (I have no idea where she got it, but she pulls out a card from three Frost-ing years ago.) "It says the dates right there, on until March 15th."

"Uh. . . it's not 2005 anymore."

bluzesinger 650 6
02/22/2008 07:20 PM

Iworked at a music store for a bit..a guy comes in and asks for "speaker hoses". My boss was flummoxed.I just went and got the speaker cords.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 08:20 PM

Whole Foods used to have this "no questions asked" return policy.

One time this freak with an Amish beard comes up to the customer service desk. I was up there stealing rubber bands or something because I overheard the guy saying to the supervisor, "I need to return this vitamin E oil. It makes me ejaculate too quickly."

There are many reasons for a "no questions asked" policy.

Ravos, The Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/22/2008 08:22 PM

We used to have a customer come in, and return a 1/2 used bottle of shampoo saying it wasn't what she was looking for. She would get her money back, then go buy the same kind again, and then return 1/2 of it again later.

Rinse & repeat.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 08:23 PM

Anyone who's had any kind of tech-related job has dealt with this idiot, who woefully comprises at least 80% of the population.

"OK. So I opened Microsoft and--"

Microsoft what dipShakespeare? Word? Excel? Bob? Hentai Dating Simulator? What??!!?? How do you even own a computer without having been electrocuted by this point or dying from ingesting battery acid?

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 08:24 PM

Rinse & repeat.

Hah! Jokes on her! If she's not lathering, her hair is not getting as clean--nor is it attaining adequate body or shine--as it could be!

Miss, Throw me sumtin Mr. Trixxie 65,014 14
02/22/2008 08:27 PM

I gotta go with Straw and against Al here. I'd much prefer to have Fak Goo in Mah Pan, than Authentic Goat Eyeballs in Hot and Spicy Bladder Infection Sauce.

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/22/2008 08:50 PM

The idiots are out in force today! A woman called, talking a mile a minute:

"Hi, I was at this thing in the fall. . . There were a lot of galleries in one place? Like little booths?"

"An art fair? Yes, we go to those. How can I help?"

"Well, I saw this statue there. Or no, what do you call them? Sculptures. Do you do sculptures? I saw this sculpture in a booth and I think it was yours. It was like a head? And it was like blocky? And there was like this light? And it was sort of spherical? You know what I'm talking about?"

"I think you might have the wrong gallery. We don't have anything like that."

"No, my friend said to try this one because of that artist, he's really famous, I saw on the internet that you represent him?"

"We represent a lot of artists, can you be more specific?"

"Well, he's really famous. He does portraits half way down the page?"

"Umm. . ."

"Really quirky portraits? Always only half the page? He's famous? I don't know his name, but everyone knows who he is, cause of his quirky portraits right? And I want to buy this sculpture because I saw it in the fall, and it was like lit from behind, and my friend is the one who knows about art, but I know what I like, and it was sort of not see-through, but kind of opaquey? Like the guy who does portraits half way down the page?"


Anyway, it went on and on and on, until finally I told her I'd double check, but I'm just waiting an hour before I call back and repeat that she has the wrong Frost-ing gallery.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 09:22 PM

I gotta go with Straw and against Al here. I'd much prefer to have Fak Goo in Mah Pan, than Authentic Goat Eyeballs in Hot and Spicy Bladder Infection Sauce.

Then the Big Easy chain represents authentic cajun cuisine and blackened chicken at Friday's is the official dish of Louisiana.

Miss, Throw me sumtin Mr. Trixxie 65,014 14
02/22/2008 09:23 PM

I don't care who you are. That's it. You and me outside now.

Ravos, The Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/22/2008 09:29 PM

On the topic of chinese food, I have been for authentic dimsum before, and it was pretty good...with 2 exceptions. The 3 things I learned from the experience were:

-Eggplant is gross.
-Chicken feet taste really, really nasty.
-My friend is Jewish, so he can't eat pork or shrimp. Turns out everything has pork in it. We asked, and the girl said "Yes, everything has pork", so we figured she didn't understand the question, and got white rice. Sure enough: There was a pork in it.

Chi Chi Felipe 161,287 14
02/22/2008 09:32 PM

In Air Force basic training, I was detailed to work at the Visitor's Center for Lackland AFB. There was a huge sign that said basically "BILLETING/LODGING IS LOCATED AT..." with directions how to get there. My detail was to stand next to the sign and answer questions from the hapless civilians who had wandered on to the base to see their son/daughter/baby daddy graduated Basic Military Training. Ninety percent of the questions were "Where is billeting/lodging located, and how do I get there?"

Shell Belle 76,640 24
02/22/2008 09:41 PM

I tutor math a few hours a week. Usually my students are terrific, really wanting to improve. I had one student last year who was being forced into tutoring by his parents. He hated math, hated me, and resisted all attempts to teach him.

I tried to tell the parents this several times, but they didn't really seem to care. And as I expected, the kid ended up failing math for the year.

The parents then had the gall to ask me to return all the money they had paid me (about $150). When I said no, the father said, "Well, don't you give some kind of guarantee? If our kid doesn't improve, we don't have to pay?"

Stupidity runs in that family, I guess.

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,959 36
02/22/2008 10:08 PM

*I'm not a spoiled rich kid like taco.

Frost you. I'm 100% paying for my own education with any federal or state aid because my parents are so Frost-ing rich. I'll be about 60k in debt when I graduate because of it.

I've worked some pretty Shakespeare ass jobs. I was a Southern Belle photo op girl at Stone Mountain when I was sixteen. My second day of work this mom came up to me crying that she's lost her 4 year old twins. How the Frost do you lose both of them?

My second job was at Spencers. One time a Hispanic dude came in and demanded to return a mostly used bottle of flavored lube because he didn't like the flavor. A few days later a Hispanic lady told me off because I made her buy the vibrator she allowed her baby to take out of the box and chew on.

Briham knows how to use the Three Seashells 38,843 9
02/22/2008 10:10 PM

When you think about it, vibrators would make fun baby toys.

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/22/2008 10:12 PM

When you think about it, vibrators would make fun baby toys.


And/or a child pornography law suit.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 10:22 PM

I love it when rich kids talk about their misery.

Note to rich kids: No matter how much you've genuinely had to suffer, we are never, ever going to have any sympathy for you.

Blame John Hughes.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 10:23 PM

Spencers is still around?

Awesome.

I've had a need for a blacklight velvet poster of a nekkid black chick with a volkswagen-sized afro for some years now.

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,959 36
02/22/2008 10:25 PM

I just hate the mentality that somehow if you're born into a well-off family you're incapable of making your own way or - gasp - having any depth of character. I didn't pick what color or socioeconimic group I was born into. If I'd been given a choice I'd have been born into a wealthy (American) Persian family, because Middle Easterners are hot.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 10:34 PM

Go wax your Bentley.

dropkick brody 43,075 12
02/22/2008 10:35 PM

That's got to be a euphemism.

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,254 18
02/22/2008 10:39 PM

I didn't pick what color or socioeconimic group I was born into. If I'd been given a choice I'd have been born into a wealthy (American) Persian family, because Middle Easterners are hot.


So what you're saying is, yes, you would chose the same socio-economic background (no one wants to be poor), but you want to be a different colour so you can have something legitimate to complain about.


I understand it must be a bitch to be stereotyped as the spoiled rich kid, but don't try to defend yourself like that. It just makes you look like a spoiled rich kid.

Briham knows how to use the Three Seashells 38,843 9
02/22/2008 10:58 PM

I gotta side with Taco here. I'm from a well off family myself, and I respect her for paying for her own education. To be honest, my parents are paying for my college, though we are using loans and such, and I've worked fewer jobs than Taco. If you're going to call someone spoiled, you be better off going after me, although I honestly think I'm pretty nice guy.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/22/2008 11:09 PM

You could send us bacon wrapped in benjamins, but we're still hard-wired not to have any sympathy for you.

It's kind of Shakespearety, really. One of you could have, like, eyeball cancer and the closest thing to sympathy we could muster is, "I hope the gold in your eyeball doesn't tarnish, uhhh, rich kid with eyeball cancer. Yeah."

So I apologize in advance.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
02/22/2008 11:10 PM

"Well, he's really famous. He does portraits half way down the page?"

"Umm. . ."

"Really quirky portraits? Always only half the page?"

I predict she has only seen his artwork online and that she doesn't know how to scroll down.

MadWorldsOdd 1,728 5
02/22/2008 11:21 PM

I have a myriad of of jobs where I had to deal with the public. The one that yielded the most moronic and amusing diatribes was when I worked at a full service gas station.

That's right I was a pump jockey.

For example, it was winter and snowing. People would come in asking if I thought it was going to snow today or when did I think it was going to warm up.

How about spring time? I think that would be when it's going to warm up. Least thats what I am putting my money on.
My comment to the snow question usually varied, my favorite was that there was just a really large invisible man with really bad dandruff.

I wasn't all bad though, gotta love any job that brings in attractive women in low to the ground cars. Especially when they show up in a tank top and see through panties.

That was pure comedy.

Chance 171,220 14
02/22/2008 11:32 PM

Hey is this the old Sylvester? The one whom stalked red-heads?

I thought he died.

EvelKnievel 947 6
02/22/2008 11:42 PM

For a few summers I rented scooters and bicycles to the throngs of people who were clueless on how to operate a zip lock bag let alone a motorized scooter. Get right down to it most hadn't ridden a bicycle since they were a kid, never operated a motorcycle, and didn't want to peddle. So a scooter was the natural choice of the vacationer.

We would get a fair share of uppity New Yorkers and Conneticut's finest as customers. Probably the same that hold their glass out for wine at an art showing thinking their presence and the serving of their needs is a privilege to the employee.

Part of process was to explain the "optional" insurance of $25 while showing a list of prices for replacement items. As an example to replace a turn signal on a scooter was $40 and so on. Basically knock the scooter over standing still could cost you $100 (front/rear signal and rear view mirror)

They typical response was "I don't need your frosting scam insurance!" and sign the rental contract to proceed to being instructed to wear a helmet and basic operation of the scooter. Keys, ignition, On/Off switch, turn signals, headlight, brakes, throttle, center stand, and helmet lock.

85% of the time the person waiving insurance asks: "How do I stop again?"

The end result is usually a 75 yard George Jetson "Jane get me off this crazy thing" style scream while wobbling across both sides of the street at 20 MPH ending in a crash reminicent of Evel Knievel at Caesar's Palace or Whembley Stadium depending on gender.

dropkick brody 43,075 12
02/23/2008 12:16 AM

Chance, I wondered that too but I really don't think it is.

I hope it's not..

*Quickly hides red hair under hat*

MadWorldsOdd 1,728 5
02/23/2008 12:21 AM

Nope, I am just Odd

Atticus Jones 189 6
02/23/2008 12:38 AM

I work at Dairy Queen. Dairy Queen. So of course I get asked questions such as "Do you serve ice cream here?" No, we serve deep-fried sheep liver, sorry for the inconvenience.
"Do you have any ice cream that has no milk in it?" ... Why are you even here?

Ravos, The Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/23/2008 12:41 AM

So you know her personally? Could you, like, introduce me? I'm, like, her biggest fan. I've wanted to meet the dairy queen ever since I was a kid, but never had the chance.

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,959 36
02/23/2008 01:02 AM

After Spencers I interned at the CDC. I didn't have to deal with customers there but some of the case studies had to be a few fries short of a happy meal. There was people on their fifth or sixth infection of Syphilis who were resistant to every antibiotic known to man.

QT was an interesting experience. People do some goddamn disgusting Shakespeare in gas station bathrooms. I can't immediately recall any standout stupid question, because all of them are stupid. No I can't make an exception to selling beer on Sunday. No I'm not going to pump your gas. No I don't know when the price is going to change.

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,959 36
02/23/2008 01:06 AM

My most recent job has been the most rewarding in the way of idiot customer experiences. I worked at a local porn & smoke shop over the summer up until I moved (I'll probably be back there this summer, despite the hour commute).

I love that people don't understand that bestiality is illegal. We cannot get that movie for you because it's illegal to own or manufacture. No I'm not in any of these movies (there is a porn star with my name, which makes it worse).

We'd get people calling in and asking directions to strip clubs (I guess the assumption is we'd know, but why not just call the strip club?). On a weekly basis we'd get callers who would ask in depth descriptions about specific pornos or movies, and then you'd hear them spanking it on the other end.

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,959 36
02/23/2008 01:08 AM

about specific pornos or movies toys

BillSalamie 66,795 11
02/23/2008 01:11 AM

Did you ever do like porn LARPing? Like some nerd would stand in front of you and shout, "Penis thrust! Penis thrust!"

TacoCrunch: GAB Necromancer! 61,959 36
02/23/2008 01:11 AM

No.

Ravos, The Dreaded Gabberwocky 62,361 20
02/23/2008 01:13 AM

Did you ever do like porn LARPing? Like some nerd would stand in front of you and shout, "Penis thrust! Penis thrust!"

We have a winner!

BillSalamie 66,795 11
02/23/2008 01:16 AM

Yes, because it would be slightly more degrading than actually working at a porno store.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
02/23/2008 01:26 AM

I rented a porn for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago. But it was socially acceptable, 'cause I was with a chick.

As I was looking at videos I thought, "Now I know what physically walking around the Internet feels like."

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
02/23/2008 01:31 AM

I rented a porn for the first time ever a couple of weeks ago.

You know, 'cause downloading doesn't count as renting.

Mung Champ 35,886 35
02/23/2008 02:28 AM

I use to work at Kids R Us (albeit that fact alone is disturbing).

A father was shopping for his little daughter and did not know her size. He came over and held up his little girl and asked "what do you think?"

I naturally responded that she wasn't my type and I usually go for chicks that are younger.

Shortly thereafter I was "let go" as management said they were going in a different direction.

BillSalamie 66,795 11
02/23/2008 02:36 AM

Ok, that never happened.

Mung Champ 35,886 35
02/23/2008 03:05 AM

Actually most was true. I wasn't let go, I quit. And never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

dangerousbeans 1,172 6
02/23/2008 03:41 AM

I had a job as a "Mitigation Specialist" which is fancy for pond sprayer/weed whacker/ swamp cleaner. First day on the job, its summer and 105 heat index. Our new boss hands me and my buddy these weed whackers with circular saw blades attached to start hacking up some bushes. We are 16, these are dangerous, not a good combo.

The department supervisor decides to stop by after a couple hours and check on us. I noticed him coming up and turned off my whacker and talked with him for a minute. He then decides to check on my buddy, who is going to town on some brush. I could see it coming a mile away; The guy walks up behind my buddy and yells HEY! hows it...my buddy swings the whacker all the way around without looking and nearly takes the guys head off. The supervisor turned around, his face was pale as a ghost, and he just walked away, got in his truck and left.

That was a shakespear job for $6.50 an hour.

Sylvester Clemmons and the Cocks of Chaos 119 6
02/23/2008 10:10 PM

I used to work as a front end supervisor. You know. The guy who would tell all the cashiers to scan the Shakespeare. Anyway, there was a pakistani woman who, every time she went through anyones line, would buy three or four different kinds of fruit. We would complete her order, shed walk three feet, and then she would say that we overcharged her for the fruit. So, in order to be the good employees we were, we would go through and correct it, and the total would always come to no more than 20 cents. 20....Frost-ing....cents. I can almost envision this woman rolling pennies for gas and paying for her McDonalds meals entirely in quarters.

Holy shit, a talking Phla! 130,632 34
02/23/2008 10:50 PM

paying for her McDonalds meals entirely in quarters.

...you've never done this?

*shifty eyes* Uh yeah, me neither.

Ditdah 123,092 14
02/23/2008 11:01 PM

(there is a porn star with my name, which makes it worse).

Taco Crunch would be a good porn star name.

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,873 22
02/24/2008 04:28 AM

I went to get a key cut today. The cashier had what I think was a Texan accent, but apparently they don't have cars in Texas.

Bob: I need this key cut.

Girl at counter: What kind of car is it?

Bob: Jeep.

Girl at counter: What company makes it?

Bob: . . . Jeep.

Girl at counter: But what company made the Jeep? Like, GM? . . .

Bob: . . .

Other customer: Toyota, haha.

Girl at counter: Toyota? Really?

Bob: No, Chrysler.

Phuc 237,453 20
02/24/2008 08:21 AM

Go easy on the little guy, will you, Bob?

Pram 78,178 40
02/24/2008 10:20 AM

<action>takes his wallet out</action>When you enter the gallery, you pass two posters with the artist's name, as well as a vinyl sign.

How much for the sign?

Pram 78,178 40
02/24/2008 10:22 AM

Aww, nevermind...The prices are in Canadian. I don't have enough.

FM 5-19 Chapter 6 3,163 6
02/24/2008 01:44 PM

Then the Big Easy chain represents authentic cajun cuisine and blackened chicken at Friday's is the official dish of Louisiana.


I can deal with that, you should see some of the nasty Shakespeare my cajun side of the family tries to pass as food when I'm visiting down in lousiana.

Swords will fuckin' cut you wide open 77,085 13
02/24/2008 04:17 PM

What about Orange Chicken? Is that ok to eat? Otherwise, I'm not going to eat Chinese* food anymore.










*What passes as Chinese food in Iowa.

Swords will fuckin' cut you wide open 77,085 13
02/24/2008 04:19 PM

As far as "General Tso's Chicken", I don't care if it's not chinese. I like that spicy barbecue chicken with steamed rice.

Jelly tipped Neep 35,005 15
02/24/2008 04:48 PM

I once asked a client if they had any other questions and he said, "do you have an alternative to the chemo I just turned down for my brain tumour?"

Um, no.

Oh, today one of my workmates asked a client over the phone what ethnic group or groups they belong to. The politically correct answer would be "NZ European" and even "pakeha" would do. Not for this woman... "I'M Frost-ing PINK!"

Dude.

party trick: I can pee standing up 17,427 30
02/25/2008 02:54 AM

I once worked as front-end sales at OfficeMax, which is quite possibly on the top ten list of mind-numbing jobs. Anyway, we are forced to wear these stupid earpiece radios and you can hear everything that everyone says on it. We are also forced to greet every customer that comes into the store. So this one day this woman comes in, with her chihuahua, though the sign on the front door says "WORKING ANIMALS ONLY" and I have never heard of a seeing-eye chihuahua. I walk over to greet her, "Good afternoon, welcome to OfficeMax! What can I help you find today?" To which she replied,"Do you guys have pens?" I wanted to slap the ever-loving Shakespeare out of her.


Another job I had was at Lowe's. I got the sweet job of inhaling paint fumes all day in the paint/interior decorating department. Okay, so when you walk up to the paint counter, there's like all these stands of paint color chioces around, within plain Frostin sight. One day I was mixing a huge order for a contractor, so I was already on a short fuse, because people think the paint counter has all the answers to the entire universe as it is strategically placed in the middle of the freaking store. This man walks up to me and asks me what colors of paint we sell, to which I responded, "Look around you and I'm sure the answer will come to you magically." My manager overheard me and fired me on the spot, only to have my district manager call me the next day and re-hire me because he thought it was funny and he probably would have said the same damn thing.

scream11605 2 4
03/19/2010 01:05 PM

I used to work at Best Buy and my favorite question that I got at least twice a day is: Where is your Electronics Department?

Small Swedish Pram 78,178 40
03/19/2010 01:24 PM

Customer walks in, bitches about the price of cigarettes.

Customer: "Prices went up again, eh?"

Me: "Yeah, I guess so".

Customer: "Well, tell your boss that they cost too Frostin' much".

Me: "We don't control the prices, sir".

Customer: "I'm female".

Big Irish Manhole 20,243 26
03/19/2010 01:26 PM

Sir, my cappuccino machine doesn't work when ever this little lever is by the O.F.F label. Is it supposed to do that?*





*This really happened. Seriously. I'm totally seriously here.

Here Comes Peter Cotton TWSS 26,020 24
03/19/2010 01:27 PM

Are you serious?

Big Irish Manhole 20,243 26
03/19/2010 01:41 PM

I'm Superdy Duperdy seriously here.

BC Bud 13,693 15
03/19/2010 01:55 PM

Jesus H Christ...

can you people write shorter Frost-ing posts. I can't read so many damn long posts tonight....

Thanks very Frost-ing much...

/belch.....

Big Irish Straw 95,470 36
03/19/2010 01:55 PM

I'm reading through this thread and seeing my posts and wondering why I was being so bitchy to Al of all people, and then I answered my own question.

Frogpop 173,113 25
03/19/2010 02:00 PM

YES, BUT WHAT I WANT IS A BIGGER RETURN AND NO CHANCE OF LOSING.

You should've given her Bernie Madoff's number. I hear that guy is awesome!

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
03/19/2010 02:34 PM

Two years I'm waiting, and still no one can tell me what a boil of wax is?

Frogpop 173,113 25
03/19/2010 02:39 PM

Ask Jesus when you find him.

Dasypygal-unwaxed 12,075 15
03/19/2010 03:07 PM

That boil of wax could be this.

Small Swedish Pram 78,178 40
03/20/2010 12:04 AM

can you people write shorter Frost-ing posts. I can't read so many damn long posts tonight....

I can't either. It's like scaling a wall without any energy. At some point, you just... drop off.

Ali Legend 840 7
03/20/2010 09:31 AM

People asking for rare steak, and then send it back to the kitchen as it's ''too pink''.

ahodder 3 5
03/21/2010 11:20 PM

I used to work in a 'Co-op' - small UK supermarkets - on a Saturday morning and all the nutters seemed to enjoy shopping there.

I had one customer who had written her pin number of her credit card on the back of the card. I ask her to put her pin in and she takes the card out, reads the number and puts it back in. What an idiot.

There was an old lady that my boss made me help - She wanted to get money from the ATM. The old lady kept her card in her bra - urgh - so I took it by the edges and put it in the machine. I was pretty grossed out by now but then she gets the money and puts it in her other cup - urgh. It's foul to think about where money in your wallet may have been in the past.