Chix in da Mix 286,580 61
03/13/2008 12:36 AM

Generalissimo Francisco Franco


good riddance

That's What She Said 27,416 24
03/13/2008 12:50 AM

We have never really been in close contact with any of my mother's family, savor one aunt who lives in Georgia, but we never visit anymore.

I never knew my grandfather on her side. According to stories I heard he was an abusive son-of-a-bitch and beat his wife and the kids regularly, made them work long hours at his pet store, and generally was not your typical 'man of the year,' so it was understood to never talk of him.

Until he died. He had written one of my aunts out of the will (the one living in Georgia, she had run away and went to college, and he disowned her after that), and there wasn't much for my mother, another aunt, and an uncle, both of which we never talked to. Let's just say there was a lot of spoken ill-will about the dead after that.

Shell Belle 77,143 25
03/13/2008 12:51 AM

There was an old guy on my street who would come out of his house and yell at me whenever I was out pushing one of the kids in the stroller. He said that my stroller was putting black marks on his sidewalk.

He died about a year ago. I was happy. That guy was a total bastard.

I Dream of Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
03/13/2008 01:04 AM

Hating the dead is too passive, especially when there are so many living people for me to actively dislike.

The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,464 56
03/13/2008 01:07 AM

Man, that Patrick Swayze really was a lousy act... Oops! Way too soon. I'll be back later.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/13/2008 01:11 AM

I always thought that Leppy kid was a dick.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/13/2008 01:17 AM

And good riddance to ol' swirlie-face.

KChiki, not Kimchi 128,359 98
03/13/2008 01:20 AM

Wait just a goddamm minute!

Who's that dude that's smiling?

Chix in da Mix 286,580 61
03/13/2008 01:21 AM

Heh. It doesn't take a harvard grad to remember who that was.

Vomus 415 6
03/13/2008 01:29 AM

I have nothing ill to say about chickens.

Chix in da Mix 286,580 61
03/13/2008 01:33 AM

Heh.

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
03/13/2008 01:46 AM

That Pope Boniface II, was a real prick.








What...too soon?

Pram 80,728 42
03/13/2008 01:53 AM

Oh, that's Phuc's friend, Swirlhead.

Pram 80,728 42
03/13/2008 01:54 AM

Who's that dude that's smiling?

Yeah, Frost.

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
03/13/2008 02:01 AM

My moms mother was a bitch-from-hell.

She walked out on my mother and her 3 siblings when my mom was about 4 years old. Why? To whore and drink.

Anyway my mom forgave her.

My mother, brother, a friend of my brother's, and myself. Were visiting my Granny in Florida.

It was bed time, and we three kids were climbing in bed. When we hear my mom say, "Oh my God, look at the size of this spider!". Well being boys we all got up and ran into the garage to see this big ass spider. We seen, we saw, and my mom squished it. On the way back to bed my brother Dave pushed me. And being I was a little rat and my brother is 7 years older then me, I ratted him out.

I said, "Mom, David pushed me". My Granny heard, "Mom, Grandmom pushed me". And she flips out. My mom knew what I said, and wasnt blaming my Granny at all.

But she flipped out any way. Well all hell broke loose. Granny was telling my mom that she wasnt a good Mother. And my mom laughing in her face saying at least she WAS a mother and didnt run out on her kids for Dick and Booze!

Long story short this went on for several hours. When my Granny said. "Get Out!". So we gathered up our stuff at 2AM and left looking for a hotel.

The only one we found, that was open and had rooms, was a nasty ass roach infested hole in the wall. None of us slept that night.

Months later my mom forgave her yet again.

I was only 6 years old, but I would of let the bitch rot in hell.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/13/2008 02:08 AM

That's some funny-ass Shakespeare right there.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
03/13/2008 02:11 AM

I'm with Bikini.

The dead don't try to borrow money from me, or call me at 3 in the morning, drunk and wanting to sleep on my couch. And the dead especially do not make left turns in front of me, causing me to slam on the brakes and have all the network equipment in the back fly forward and crack me in the head.

You living mother-Frosters are mother-Frosters, though.

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
03/13/2008 02:12 AM

That's some funny-ass Shakespeare right there.


Yeah after I read it through I thought about not posting it.





Shakespeare happens.

Flaming Bag of Shemp! 22,222 17
03/13/2008 02:13 AM

But I did.

Phuc 237,919 21
03/13/2008 02:14 AM

I was being totally serious.

SHP - rub my lucky clover. Rub it good. 181,795 70
03/13/2008 02:25 AM

My mother was a big bitch too.

I regularly got the crap beat out of me for nothing. She had this "one, two, three, spanking" rule, and most days, I'd wake up on Two.

Once, she made this pot of beans. Not ready to put it in the frige for night, she told me not to lift the lid, as it had boiled and it was sterile.

The next morning, as SOON as I woke up, I got my ass chewed for lifting the lid. (Which I did not do!) I know I was only 6 or 7 at the time. Anyway, she's really giving me a what for, and at the end of one of her questions I answer "yes ma'am." Out of nowhere, she slaps me across the face. Evidently, the beatings that I was getting from my step-father for NOT saying "yes ma'am and no sir" were for naught, as my mother didn't want to be called "ma'am" afterall.

She used to live on a farm. When my sisters were "bad", she'd make them sit out on the log next to the rotting chicken carcasses for hours.

I wasn't allowed to watch The Karate Kid because it promoted unclean thoughts. I was, however, allowed to watch her shows with her - Dallas, Falcon Crest, and SOAP.

I wasn't allowed to play with Barbies because she said they turned my oldest sister into a whore.

As adults, my sister and I used to fantasize and joke about how we could Frost with her. She hated bugs. We had a plan to send her anonymous packages.

Package 1: a rolled up newspaper
Package 2: an old shoe
Package 3: a can of Raid
Package 4: a box of live Madagascar hissing cockroaches.

Chix in da Mix 286,580 61
03/13/2008 02:29 AM

The one scumbag in all the scumbags I've dealt with in the foster system that I have confirmation of his demise had been diddling his adopted daughter from age 13 to 17 EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

When I found out while she was in my home I got the cops involved. He hid out in the VA hospital everytime they went to pick him up on suicide watch.

Finally the VA booted him and the cops were on their way to pick him up. He found out (cause Barney FRicking Fife called and told him he was on the way) so scumbag went in the back room and hung himself.

I believe Hell is a real place. It helps me cope.

SHP - rub my lucky clover. Rub it good. 181,795 70
03/13/2008 03:20 AM

I guess the alternate title to this thread is "Why SHP is so Frosted up .."

Jolson- Surfing the Red Tsunami since '93 16,163 11
03/13/2008 04:51 AM

I believe Hell is a real place. It helps me cope.

Unsurprisingly, it's in China.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
03/13/2008 07:20 AM

I was once hired by the friend of a friend to play a gig in a cemetary. It's not that unusual. Usually it's a military guy, or a serious military history buff. They usually ask me to play a lament, or some patriotic stuffm sometimes Danny Boy or The Minstrel Boy or even Garry Owen.

This time, though, there was only the one guy at the cemetary. I thought I might be early, but the guy, an Irishman about 55, told me that we were, in fact, a day late for the burial. He was the ex-husband, he explained, and had been told to stay away from the funeral.

I was thinking how cool it was that he wanted to pay tribute privately and had even hired a musician. We walked out to the fresh grave and he asked, "Do you know The Irish Washerwoman?"

Of course I do, and started playing it. It's an old tune, a very lively jig. The guy stepped up onto the grave and started dancing. After about two minutes he was winded, and waved me off. Then he opened his pants, pulled out his Coleridge and started pissing.

"I've been promising myself that for twelve years," he said.

Fastest and weirdest $250 I ever made.

Thud 68,506 19
03/13/2008 07:28 AM

Applause for Whistler.

nermal-the world's cutest fabulounik 8,478 12
03/13/2008 08:20 AM

My favorite revenge after death story is brought you to you from my job...because in my job you can do this.

I work in organ donation, but as some of you may or may not know there is also tissue donation which includes such things as bone, skin, heart valves and brain. In order to gain consent for tissue donation my co-workers basically cold call the family of the deceased. Typically my co-workers do not come out of the consent rooms laughing their asses off. However, one day a co-worker comes out laughing so hard she is crying. A family consented to tissue donation, including brain because the deceased was such a miserable person and would have hated it and in their words "She might as well do one good thing in her life."

I wanna know those people.

Chix in da Mix 286,580 61
03/13/2008 08:42 PM

Whistler, I would have taken him out for dinner and blown the whole $250. Priceless.

Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
03/14/2008 04:57 AM

Well there once was this total bastard on the internet, that in his passing had his wife post about it on the message board that I was on. And the real kicker was that it was on a comedy messageboard.

I'll never forget that, wait... who was that again?

Thud 68,506 19
03/14/2008 05:26 AM

I keeping thinking of speaking ill of the dead here, but last time I checked my ex-wife is still alive.

I have patience but she needs to hurry up.

Jep - Now One of Those Annoying ex-Smoker People 58,758 13
03/14/2008 05:44 AM

This may be early, since the Froster's not dead yet, but when I was told that my drug-addict, theiving thug step-brother had terminal Leukemia, the first words out of my mouth were, "Wow. Karma's a bitch."

Jolson- Surfing the Red Tsunami since '93 16,163 11
03/15/2008 06:35 AM

Speaking of Karma, has anybody curb stomped Boy George yet?