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Let's share gross jokes!
A bartender is closing up one night, when he hears a knock on the back door. Muttering to himself "who in the hell is banging on the door" he throws the back door open to see a wino standing there. "What the hell do you want?" yells the bartender. The wino says "hey buddy, do you have a toothpick I can have?" The bartender thinks for a moment and figures since the wino is not asking for free booze, or money, he might as well give the wino a toothpick. "Here you go, here is your toothpick, now get lost" says the bartender, and he slams the door shut.
A few minutes later, the bartender hears another knock on the back door. "What the cuddle" say the bartender, "who in the hell is banging on my door?" The bartender throws the back door open and sees another wino standing there. "What the hell do you want?" screams the bartender. The wino says "excuse me, but do you have a toothpick I can borrow?" The bartender thinks to himself that this is pretty odd, winos wanting toothpicks and not free booze or money, so he goes and gets a toothpick, flicks it to the wino and says "here is your toothpick, now beat it."
A few more minutes pass, and the bartender hears another knock on the back door. Enraged at the constant interruptions, the bartender throws the back door open once again and sees a wino standing there. "Let me guess" says the bartender, "you want a cuddling toothpick too." The wino says, "No, I was wondering if you had a straw I can have?" The bartender gets really pissed off and says "what the cuddle?" "What the cuddle is going on out here?" First a bum knocks on the door wanting a toothpick, then another, and now you want a straw." "What the cuddle is going on out there?"
The wino says "well, see, this drunk chick puked in the alley and all now of the chunks are gone...."
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1774080
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Squirrels on Crack 53,270  54
06/23/2008 11:32 AM
I remember those "What's grosser than gross jokes" from junior high school.
Here's one:
What's grosser than gross?
A pile of dead baby's.
What's grosser than that?
One live baby on the bottom eating his way out.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.2
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Bang-A-Tard 170 4
06/23/2008 11:36 AM
My girlfriend and I were at the porno shop the other day. She ran across some flavored condoms and suggested we get them. Always up for something new, I agreed.
Later that night, while she was drying off after a shower, I asked if she wanted to try out the new flavored condoms. She said she was up for it, and dove under the covers. So there she was, chomping and slurping on my choad, when all of a sudden she popped up from under the covers and says "mmmmmmm! this is great! Cheese and onion, my favorite!"
I had to choke back a laugh when I said, "damn baby, I haven't put one on yet. "
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1774091
Squirrels on Crack 53,270 54
06/23/2008 11:57 AM
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Daddy, where's my booger?"
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.4
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The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,464 56
06/23/2008 12:12 PM
I wasn't going to post in this thread, because this topic has been done a million times already and I don't have an original joke to post, but I just got back from the bathroom and what I heard in there fits the thread:
While standing at the urinal, I heard a satisfied grunt coming from the closed stall behind me, followed by the sound of toilet paper being pulled out of the dispenser and torn off the roll.
After that, I heard the guy wipe his butt and blow his nose. In that order.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Pram 80,728 42
06/23/2008 11:18 PM
"Knock Knock",
"Who's There?"
"Cargo".
"Cargo Who?"
"Cargo beep beep and run over all the ether bunnies, mashing their brains into the ground like a meat paste, fur matted with blood and Emerson"
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0 votes
0.0
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Squ....... uh what was my name again? 53,270 54
06/23/2008 11:25 PM
rock lobster: now in Kosher style! hangs herself from the balcony
Useless without pictures!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Vaguely Ravos 63,472 21
06/25/2008 06:33 AM
So, this guy walks into a bar, and says to the bartender "Hey man, I really need a blowjob. Know anyone I can call?" The bartender thinks for a minute, and writes down a number. "This girl is really good," he says "She can sing the national anthem while blowing you. Its amazing, you have to try it. She has 1 rule though, you have to leave the lights off."
So the man call her, and meets her at a hotel. She turns the lights off, and goes at it. And sure enough, she is singing the national anthem perfectly. He blows in 10 seconds, pays her $50, and she leaves.
But he can't stop thinking about how she did it, so he calls her again. And again, same thing happens. He tries to see what she is doing, but its too dark.
SO he calls her again, and this time, sits next to the light. As she begins singing, he flips on the light, and she runs out. All he sees is a glass eyeball on the floor.
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