Put Me To Sleep, Part 1
A comedy article
by rentut  245  4
07/21/2008 10:27 PM 345 views
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 Mom always says it's important you get a good night's sleep.
For years, I have been balancing two lives in one day. Hardworking honor student by day, club-roaming comedian by night. This, inevitably, has led to an insomnia so intense, Al Pacino called me one night asking for advice on intensity. Hoo-waa!
As lonely as it is to stare at the clock every night (Look Ma, no sleep!), I'm not alone. Thirty-four million Americans suffer from insomnia and sleep-related disorders, whether from stress, health, or ambitious double-lives forcing you to be awake twice as long. (Am I right, schoolteachers/madames?)
I decided to try to cure my own insomnia by putting various insomnia solutions to the test. And, since I have graduated and become very successful and wealthy, I was able to afford the best possible remedies.
For this experiment, I tried three full weeks of sleep aids. In Week One, I tried various bedtime routines to assure slumber. In Week Two, I tried edible cures believed to put you to sleep. In Week Three, I tried a batch of natural remedies. Some of these seemed like better ideas at the time. But then again, sleeplessness can make you delirious.
Here are my results, and proof that I got my money's worth.
WEEK ONE: PRE-SLEEP ROUTINES
Some experts say to disassociate anything from your room that is not sleep; when you walk in the room, your subconscious should know it's lights out. However, other experts say that small winding-down rituals can be helpful. I wanted to find out who was right. Here's what I tried.
1) Counting sheep. Result: Completely ineffective. Frustrating, and you can't really concentrate. I even bought a bedspread with sheep on it; in case my sheep focus slipped, I could refer to a visual aid. No dice.
If I were an expert, which I am, my official finding would be that counting sheep is dumb. I never even make it to 100, because I just sit there stewing at what a dumb idea it is. By the time I find myself counting in the seventies, I'm just pissed off and haven't even thought about sheep for several minutes.
2) Reading. Result: Somewhat effective. I read a huge book, a classic. It was written a long time ago by a smart European guy. My stuffed Big Bird fell right asleep, so I was hoping it was just a matter of time for me.
I eventually fell asleep. But first I had to put the book down, turn the lights out, and toss and turn as usual. And I was stressing out worrying about my protagonist, little Dartanion. Oh, will he ever be a musketeer?
3) Passive entertainment. Result: Completely ineffective. The idea is passive entertainment (listening to music or watching a little TV) rather than active entertainment (videogames or World of Warcraft). The first night I attempted this, I put on the TV and Sleepless In Seattle was on. The second night, I just stayed up watching TV, tuning in with the hopes of seeing anything but Sleepless in Seattle.
Then I played with my fancy long-range Walkie-talkies, just to see if I could make contact with some truckers on CB Radio. I wanted to tell them that I couldn't sleep, and see if we could keep each other company.
4) Non-electronic entertainment. Result: Somewhat effective. Some experts say you should get out of bed, and spend 15 minutes with some relaxing activity. Others say you can do it right there in bed. I played cards; a little low-key mental stimulation. I went back to bed about 20 minutes later, and realized that I had no freaking idea what game I was playing.
5) Hot bath. Result: Very effective. I also tried a saltbath soak, which I found even more effective, as it seemed to relax my muscles better. Only setback is that a big relaxing bath can be a process, so you'll be getting to bed later. On the other hand, the sleep you get will be more restful. And will smell prettier.
6) Meditating. Result: Inconclusive. This one is tricky. Meditating is undeniably good for you, and it eases the mind and body. But how many of us really know how to properly meditate, or are successful at it? Despite my best intentions, I've had no formal meditation training, so I nodded off and fell flat on my face. Flat and sleeplessly.
WEEK ONE SUMMARY: My first round of experiments taught me that there are a lot of insomnia experts, most of which probably don't have insomnia. Next, I was moving on to edible sleep aids. Stay tuned!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
30 votes
3.7
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
07/21/2008 10:34 PM
Renata is a talented comedian I saw doing standup in Cambridge and asked to write for ZUG.
We need more funny women writers on the site, so I'm glad she agreed to write this series. Orb her up!
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo: it's all downhill from here 211,594 32
07/21/2008 10:36 PM
I'm gonna give ya a 4 for first effort. The story moved along, but there were no gunfights or gratuitous nudity.
You have to know your audience.
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0 votes
0.0
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i'am rock lobstah 18,570 33
07/21/2008 10:41 PM
I agree with John. We need more funny women on Zug.
PS: Renata reminds me of this girl who was sleeping with Suzi, my tattooist.
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0 votes
0.0
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It's only gay if you look McPants in the eye 19,555 11
07/21/2008 10:42 PM
Dartanion, huh? ..and on Mailman's birthday, no less. No, I'm going to keep my European orbs, for now.
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0 votes
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Ghostnut 0 4
07/22/2008 12:59 PM
I used to sit in front of the TV in the olden days, you know back when there was no broadcasting late at night, just a test pattern. It worked like a charm every time. Unfortunately, Ted Turner bought the rights to the test pattern, and keeps it locked away. So I haven't slept since 1985.
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0 votes
0.0
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UnderThere, petting the sweaty things 101,398 77
07/22/2008 01:22 PM
She has a New Kids on the Block pillowcase. I think Chance might steal her and then we'll never get to read part 2! Quick John - post the other sections before it's too late!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo 566 6
07/23/2008 05:15 AM
Renata should try jacking it, works for me everytime.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Nachos - Defining The Rapture 57,521 23
07/23/2008 05:37 AM
Good, but next time I'd leave out the 'talking to the audience' bits in the first paragraph. It works live but not so much as a written piece.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Nachos - Defining The Rapture 57,521 23
07/23/2008 05:39 AM
First paragraph, third paragraph. Whatever. You're allowed to make mistakes when you don't get much sleep.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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rentut 245 4
07/23/2008 11:40 AM
"Talking to the audience"?
You mean where it says "Am I right, schoolteachers/madames"?
I don't think that's so much talking to the audience; that's just talking to schoolteachers/madames. I hardly doubt that with their busy schedules, any of them had the time to read it. Quizzes don't just xerox themselves, you know.
And sorry for directly talking to you, audience, but thank you everybody for being nice.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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The Mailman, as portrayed by Jacques Tati 176,464 56
07/23/2008 11:55 AM
Excellent article, but "Dartanion" had better be spelled that way on purpose, or I want my orbs back.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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ionymous 17 6
07/23/2008 12:05 PM
Yawn.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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rentut 245 4
07/23/2008 12:10 PM
Aha!
Yeah; I just thought "D'Artagnan" wouldn't register with non-readers. Many people only know their Three Musketeers by way of Charlie Sheen, Oliver Platt, Keifer Sutherland and the little hero himself, Chris O'Donnell.
That's awesome, nice catch. :o)
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0 votes
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Chris Garrett 86,932 12
07/23/2008 01:22 PM
At last.....a funny woman on GAB.
Took almost 13 years.
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0 votes
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Phuc 237,919 21
07/23/2008 01:55 PM
I wasn't going to read this article, as I have an aversion to user names that are all lowercase, but now I'm glad I gave in. Quality comedy, there.
Might I suggest another cure for insomnia: Keep yourself in a constant state of hyper-alertness all day so that by the time you lie down to go to sleep, you are completely burned out and are out before your head hits the pillow.
Works every time!
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0 votes
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Frogpop the Bad Idea Bear 173,153 25
07/25/2008 08:09 AM
Here's a tip: Drink something that was handed to you by Chris Garret.
I'm looking forward to hearing all about this one in the edible cures section.
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