La Femme KChikita 128,375 98
07/31/2008 04:29 PM

You should have stopped the procedure and bashed all her teeth out, then made her do it AGAIN.

syncope felt the earth move. 49,019 14
07/31/2008 04:33 PM

While I was dating this girl my best friend convinced her I had a tattoo of a clown face on my taint.

The next time we were fooling around she started inspecting me in a pretty non-erotic way until finally I asked what the hell she was doing.

"I just want to see your clown face."

It took another 20 minutes of conversation to figure out what the hell she meant by that.

dangerousbeans 1,172 6
07/31/2008 04:36 PM

A little teeth is ok, but there is a fine line.

My worst was this chick who had no concept of sexual pleasure. She didn't apply pressure at all anywhere, but she kept at it for about 10 minutes. I fell asleep.

Not terrible, but communication is the key to a good bj.

BillSalamie 67,057 13
07/31/2008 04:43 PM

I think that finding someone willing to do it is actually the biggest key.

dangerousbeans 1,172 6
07/31/2008 04:45 PM

DOH! I almost forgot. My girlfriend had just eaten lunch and I was on the couch.

She said "I'm still hungry". Then she proceeded to take off my pants and give me oral pleasure. Needless to say, I was very pleased, but it got better. She looks up at me and says "I want to take it all". I was thoroughly impressed and she had me put my hand on her head and force down a little bit.

Well, just as you probably suspect, I came and she threw up all over my crotch, pants, and couch. There's nothing like the euphoria of cumming only to see mushy bread, chewed up bologna, lettuce, and stomach acid all over yourself.

She is still my girlfriend.

syncope felt the earth move. 49,019 14
07/31/2008 04:46 PM

I think your urethra is incorrectly routed.

Shelle - Femina Sinistra et Pulchra 77,143 25
07/31/2008 04:48 PM

I'd rather not talk about it. The nightmares might come back.

Fratberry 283,028 53
07/31/2008 04:55 PM

For you or your dad?

Shelle - Femina Sinistra et Pulchra 77,143 25
07/31/2008 04:59 PM

<action>pukes on keyboard</action>

For you or your dad?

Crash Test Dummy 3,671 9
07/31/2008 05:03 PM

Worst I got was from this drunk chick at one of those "basement" teenager party. We snuck in the bathroom, shoved the dead-drunk dude in the bath, she fumbled me out of my jeans and then...





She literally blew on it... Even took it in her mouth and blew harder as if trying to inflate a Frost-ing balloon.

La Femme KChikita 128,375 98
07/31/2008 05:07 PM

What, was she like, 13??

Crash Test Dummy 3,671 9
07/31/2008 05:10 PM

What, was she like, 13??

Might be... I didn't even get her name, nor did she give me any intention of trying to find out.

Pram 80,728 42
07/31/2008 05:13 PM

My worst was my second blowjob, ever. This consisted of a girl getting close to my penis and then blowing on it like it was a trick birthday candle.

I had to explain that a blowjob is not something literal. When she finally did get around to doing it right, she scraped me with her back teeth, then stripped and looked like a potato.

Mr. Mung 35,891 35
07/31/2008 05:17 PM

She was blasting Ani DiFranco and sucking to the music. She had long, nasty, curly hair which was like sandpaper around my pelvis and sack.

She was teething the head like Baraka from Mortal Kombat. She never made it to the shaft since the head started to bleed and she started to cry.

I had Anni blasting, a porker crying and a bloody Coleridge.

Wait, this is the best blowjob thread, right?

syncope felt the earth move. 49,019 14
07/31/2008 05:19 PM

If Ani DiFranco is playing you're not getting a blowjob because no one in the room has a penis.

HP: An Empire to House the Machine to Kick His Ass 58,948 29
07/31/2008 05:34 PM

Well the first problem was I ddin't have a penis. So I had to pay the hooker for nothing.

Thud 68,506 19
07/31/2008 06:58 PM

My worst was while I was dating the first wife. Three words will be all I need to say on the subject.






She had braces.

Obsessively Ravos 63,472 21
07/31/2008 07:18 PM

My first girlfriend. She insisted I wear a blindfold because she said "I don't want to do it if you watch. I'm just weird like that."

Well, obviously a blind blowjob is better than no blowjob, so I agreed. On went the blindfold, off went my pants. And she started sucking...

...For an hour. Then she tired and gave up, and it obviously sucked because I never came.

Obviously, we aren't together anymore.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
07/31/2008 07:47 PM

She had braces.

I don't get it. How do leg braces affect a blowjob? Sounds kinda hot.

syncope felt the earth move. 49,019 14
07/31/2008 07:54 PM

They make kneeling awkward.

Anh is a dark, angry life insurance agent. 11,158 14
07/31/2008 09:27 PM

We were in the backseat of an SUV in the mall parking lot. It was in one of those parking garages in the middle of summer, so the car was steaming hot. The first thing she said was that she didn't swallow. It went south from there, then north, then south again. By 'it' I mean hear head. She was using her teeth the whole time. I had to pretend people were walking by a few times just so she would stop. Eventually I just gave up, came into a napkin, left, and stopped answering her calls.

Millie 116,988 28
07/31/2008 10:55 PM

I'm trying to have sympathy for you guys, but I don't care.

Try giving one sometime. Especially if you have jaw problems and your jaw keeps clicking. Or the guy's crotch has that dirty sock smell. (Yes, I'm aware women may have odor issues, too, but at least you don't have to have something stuck in your mouth and down your throat).

Most of the time, I contemplate giving a blowjob, then I think, "O.K., this is going to take up to 20 minutes, my allergies are bugging me tonight, my jaw hurts...do I really want to do this?" I usually decide not to.

Sorry--it's just not worth the effort most of the time.

The easiest ones are the guys with small penises. But since I don't like giving blow-jobs much, I don't really seek out the small-penised men.

I have no idea if I do a good job or not. I don't really care. If they don't like it, then they should tell me not to do it. Doesn't matter to me.

Humphrey 51,764 12
07/31/2008 11:01 PM

I'd rather you used that 20 minutes to BAKE ME SOME Frost-ing COOKIES!!1

MacChickens Anus 286,580 61
07/31/2008 11:03 PM

Probably not then.

Millie 116,988 28
07/31/2008 11:05 PM

I think most people would rather bake cookies than give blow jobs.

And, Chickens, you will die wondering if my blow-jobs are any good.

MacChickens Anus 286,580 61
07/31/2008 11:10 PM

Millie wants me.

Millie 116,988 28
07/31/2008 11:11 PM

Why--is your penis small?

Plus, you wrecked your icon when you changed your name. See, that's why I refused to change my name.

MacChickens Anus 286,580 61
07/31/2008 11:17 PM

Gee, I wonder if Millie's blow jobs are any good and ....

*has heart attack and finishes post from the afterworld*

......geez, she was a freaking prophet.

Millie 116,988 28
07/31/2008 11:55 PM

Hmm. Pretending to be dead? You would never do that, would you?

Pubah 56,813 18
08/01/2008 03:52 AM

Great sex is all about giving...


...the best head Pubah has ever given had a certian female rhythmiclic raising her hips above the bed and screaming, "Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter...oooh Shakespeare, Clarance Carter"...

Once she's come three or four times from you eating at the 'Y', she'll not worry in the least that your croctch smells of dirty socks...

Chance 171,275 14
08/01/2008 08:11 AM

If Millies blowjobs are anywhere nearly as good as her cookies I want to sign up for one, and I haven't had a penis in years.

Pubah 56,813 18
08/01/2008 12:15 PM

You can borrow mine, Chance...

...I'm not using it right now

Wendy Lady - starting off as an orgasm 156,790 17
08/01/2008 01:04 PM

<action> reads thread title, reads it again, reads it yet a THIRD time</action>


Is this a joke??
Really??

MacChickens Anus 286,580 61
08/01/2008 09:46 PM

I have to say that though I've had a couple of hummers that weren't any good at all, it was easily remidied, and I have yet heard a complaint to the comment, "This really isn't going anywhere, so lay on down and let's get to business."

Course if they weren't in the throws of passion at the time they would read that as "You suck at that but at least you still have your cooter and even if you lay there like a dead fiShakespeare still won't be THAT bad so roll over."

sharribarri 14,124 11
08/01/2008 10:11 PM

I'm going to share this and leave with my embarassment. I'd rather not stick around to marinade in it. Anyway, I never really ventured too deep in sexploration kiddie pool. I too thought a blow job was just what the name implies. I thought this till about a year ago or so. Maybe two. One other gabber probably got quite the kick out of a converstaion that was had with my uninformedness. It's a good thing I'm cute an can sheepishly say "What!? I was sheltered." It's true.

dinesh 24,862 16
08/01/2008 10:49 PM

ha-ha!

/nelson

Declan McManus as Declan McManus 131,887 36
08/01/2008 11:53 PM

I'm probably going to kill this thread with this post, if so, I'll consider it a mercy killing.


Millie, is essentially correct.


However, many, if not most, gay men love to give head. We, on the whole, like what we're doing, and it shows. The fact that we actually know what it feels like, and have our own copies of the basic equipment might be a decided help.


It is a very common thing to hear from a straight or straight-ish guy "I wish my (choose one) wife-gf-secretary-cousin gave head like you, and liked to."


If some American women started sucking Coleridge with more expertise and enthusiasm, more relationships might be saved. If.



Dan Savage, of Savage Love, a year back said that not getting oral can now be considered a relationship killer. That also went for guys refusing to lick the bean.

Ravos me this, Ravos me that 63,472 21
08/02/2008 12:16 AM

<action>grabs a cleaver</action>

The easiest ones are the guys with small penises. But since I don't like giving blow-jobs much, I don't really seek out the small-penised men.

I am make it however small you want, babe.

Bean 8,602 19
08/02/2008 12:17 AM

<action> runs as fast as she can so that no relationship-saving men try to lick her.</action>

syncope felt the earth move. 49,019 14
08/02/2008 12:20 AM

Teh gays do it have it good in that regard; they already know how to work with the parts presented to them.

If I was with someone who had that apathetic attitude towards oral, I wouldn't be with them much longer.

Pubah 56,813 18
08/02/2008 03:19 AM

<action>Agrees in principal with DeClan</action>

Those who give good oral are good at it cause they WANT to be.
Cunnilingus and Fallacio are like picking up a blitz...

...it less about talent than it is about 'want to'.

*Gets Preachy*
If eatin Poe/sucking dick is something you find gross but necessary to get to the 'good stuff', you're gonna suck (in a bad way) at it.
If you see sucking dick/eating Poe as a way to bring pleasue to you partner...you're gonna find ways to MAKE it good.

Bad blow jobs come from women...uh...people who really didn't want to do it.

Tweak does not work well with others 18,881 12
08/02/2008 06:32 AM

Random blowjob story:

Last year, I was back home for a weekend and I went out with a couple of mates. After the pub closed, the three of us were wandering around looking for a taxi and a complete stranger came up to me, totally wasted. Without so much as a "hello" she drops to her knees in front of me and starts fumbling with my belt. After a few unsuccessful attempts, she skips the belt and goes straight for my zipper.

While this is going on, I'm too stunned to do anything other than exchange awkward glances with my friends, who are also speechless. The moment she gets my zipper down, just as she's about to stick her hand inside, a very angry guy gets out of a nearby car and storms towards us, shouting obscenities.

The chick quickly stands up and whispers the words "I'm a Frost-ing slut!" in my ear, before ducking back down, crawling between my legs and running off. Now apparently, the angry guy thought that somehow I had forced his girlfriend to blow me in the street. During his accusations, me and my friends were politely trying not to laugh. He noticed this and asked me a dangerous question: "You think this is funny? Would you find it funny if I got on my knees and tried to blow you?"

Never before has it been more difficult to say "no" with a straight face.

Anyway, right when he's about ready to smack me down and/or blow me to prove his point, his girlfriend runs back over and tells him everything's okay, then she gets back in the car with him and, I assume, was badly beaten when they got home.

Pubah 56,813 18
08/02/2008 12:15 PM

You were either:
Very Brave
Very Drunk
or
Stupid

I'll give you the benefit of a doubt and combine brave with drunk to get stupid.

Millie 116,988 28
08/02/2008 11:44 PM

If some American women started sucking Coleridge with more expertise and enthusiasm, more relationships might be saved. If.

Pfft. Sure, blame the women.

Too bad there are no more mahas or my post would have gotten some. Men have no sense of humor about sex.

For the record, I have never had a complaint about my blow-jobs (but maybe that's only because the guys knew about my apathy). Judging from the way they always end, I can assume that my blowjobs are adequate.

Just because I'm not a fan of giving them doesn't mean I don't do my best. Obviously, if I choose to do it it's because I want to and I want to make the guy feel good.

Declan McManus as Declan McManus 131,887 36
08/02/2008 11:53 PM

Oh, of course.


Just totally ignore the Millie, is essentially correct.

Millie 116,988 28
08/03/2008 12:12 AM

Aww, Declan. I was glad to see you agreed with me.

But it's more fun to be upleasant (at least for me).

Declan McManus as Declan McManus 131,887 36
08/03/2008 12:35 AM

All right, then.

underWhere? 101,398 77
08/03/2008 09:53 PM

I don't really seek out the small-penised men.

Is there seriously a way to "seek out" small penised men? I mean, all the Coleridges I've ever seen have at least been average. I'm not sure that I'd be interested in a small penis, just because blow jobs would be easier. Is there some other awesome aspect of a tiny penis that I've somehow missed out on?

Bean 8,602 19
08/03/2008 09:57 PM

I have seen a fairly small penis... not necessarily small in girth, but short. Probably closer to 4.5 inches than the normal 6. That was also my worst blowjob believe it or not, because about halfway through it seemed a small piece of skin came off in my mouth, and not wanting to embarass the guy I believe it ended up being swallowed.

Thud 68,506 19
08/03/2008 10:00 PM

Was he a leper?

Bean 8,602 19
08/04/2008 01:17 AM

Yes Thud, I used regularly seek out lepers to give blow jobs to. That's why I've taken to asking strangers from the internet to father my children. :P

Bean 8,602 19
08/04/2008 01:17 AM

used TO

Hammerhead 59,399 14
08/04/2008 01:19 AM

Giving a leper a blow job adds a whole new meaning to "spit or swallow".

I have no personal experience in this matter.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
08/04/2008 01:21 AM

Giving a leper a blow job adds a whole new meaning to "spit or swallow".

I have no personal experience in this matter.

Actually, as far as bad blowjobs received, I don't have any tales or horror stories.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
08/04/2008 01:21 AM

Oops. Shakespeare.

Marmite...More entertaining than cleaning! 12,955 12
08/04/2008 10:15 AM

I refuse to deal with Coleridge-loogies.

Ghost of Chickens Past 286,580 61
12/15/2009 01:19 PM

This was worth bumping.

WhyMi 3,549 12
12/15/2009 01:24 PM

notorious for not reading more than the title, the mad literalist strikes again

I would think it would have to have been my kids 5th birthday. I had somewhere around 150 balloons to blow up, but ran out of helium about a third of the way through.

By the time of the party, I had only blown up about 60 or so, the rest were just lying around the table and floor limp and flaci....oh, OH DAMN, wrong type of...er...

NEVERMIND!

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
12/15/2009 02:19 PM

If someone takes my Coleridge in their mouth, I'll consider that a good day. Worst blow job? I've never had anyone spit it back at me, bite down, or fail to get me to finish, so I can't really pick a worst.

I will tell you that I can choose a best. Well, the person who was best. I got more than one from her. All others pale in comparison. I can't even describe why it was so good, or what technique was used, but this one particular young lady really knew what she was doing down there.

We're still friends. She has three grandchildren now. When we get together, I can't help but look at those grandkids and think of saying, "Your granny sucks a mean Coleridge, you know."

WhyMi 3,549 12
12/15/2009 02:30 PM

Well, you COULD say that, and if someon near get offened just amend it with something along the lines of:
"Yup, she doesn't miss any of that good marrow. Nothing like sucking the marrow out of a good chicken bone"



Um...now that I've written that, i realize that it may not be much better if spoken in the presence of a particular Southern/Scot

Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
12/15/2009 02:41 PM

Things have improved greatly since I dated that girl.

The Sage 36,465 8
12/15/2009 02:48 PM

I say this out of a sense of extreme desperation being helpful to the ladies: the only bad blowjob is one never given.

Ghost of Chickens Past 286,580 61
12/15/2009 03:07 PM

That is so not true.

WhyMi 3,549 12
12/15/2009 03:12 PM

Ah, so your saying that WOULD be something one would be apt to get away with saying in your imediate location?

Hmmm.....Where's Trixie when you need 'im?

Bean 8,602 19
12/15/2009 06:03 PM

I will tell you that I can choose a best. Well, the person who was best. I got more than one from her. All others pale in comparison. I can't even describe why it was so good, or what technique was used, but this one particular young lady really knew what she was doing down there.

We're still friends. She has three grandchildren now. When we get together, I can't help but look at those grandkids and think of saying, "Your granny sucks a mean Coleridge, you know."

For a moment, I thought you were talking about me. Until I saw the three grandchildren, and realized that I have never so much as met Whistler in real life.

Analog 9,608 19
12/15/2009 09:04 PM

When I first found out what one was, I tried a vacuum - that was the worse.

If I was smart and I used one those crappy cheap Shark vacs or dust busters that have the low horse power it would have probably been great, unfortunately it was one of those multi piece electrolox ones that could power a go cart..... Ouch...

Shemp the halls, Douchebag. 22,222 17
12/16/2009 01:38 AM

I don't think I've ever had a bad blow job.

I was always just happy with the fact that someone liked me enough to put my penis in their mouth, and then suck it.



I do hate the fake blow job givers though.

You know the ones.

They basically are just giving you a Handy-J, but the head of your gristle missle is just kind of in her mouth. So there is the illusion that she is indeed sucking your purple-helmeted yogurt thrower, but in reality she... or he, if your Whistler, is not sucking anything at all. 90% of your hang down is in her hand.

I call it faux head.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez Hates Xmas 2,413 0
12/16/2009 02:36 AM

Ok, being that this is an online forum and no one knows which state I am a senator from, I will tell a short story:

I used to do homework at this coffee shop outside to use their wifi, when this gay guy started showing up and hitting on me. For 3 days in a week he showed up and profess his love for me while I would nod my head and ignore him.

The third day, he offered to suck my dick. Without looking up, said "No, go away."

"I'll pay you." He replied.

"Dude, I said, wait... How much?"

"$60 dollars."

What can I say, I needed the money. I wasn't all that thrilled about it, but was a bit curious as to the rumors all the gay dudes I have ever met claiming they give the best blowjobs because they know what a dude likes, right?

Big mistake. I demanded the money first, and he went at it around the corner. To this day, worst blowjob ever. Horrible teeth. The guy must have been a Cossick. Within about maybe 2 minutes which seemed forever, I simply punched him in the face with my dick still in his mouth. I know, sounds like suicide looking back on it. It was some kind of knee jerk reaction to the humiliation of subjecting myself to this harmful event on just about every mental and physical level imaginable all at once.

I have not even considered that and am sure I never will again. Every woman I have ever gotten head from has been much, much better, and some have been pretty bad.

Message to all you homo's who think you give the best head:

You have no clue, because you still think like a man, which is how to make yourself happy. Women usually have an interest in that as well, unlike gay or straight dudes.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
12/16/2009 06:02 AM

Fag.

Ravos the red nosed reindeer 63,472 21
12/16/2009 06:43 AM

Before I posted this, there were 69 comments in this thread.

Ghost of Chickens Past 286,580 61
12/16/2009 07:50 AM

How can we train the hot chicks to pay us for blow jobs?


That's all I want for Christmas.

Manmeat 478 4
12/16/2009 08:43 AM

In a toilet, at an establishment, which i often use, there's a small hand dryer.
It's named Magic Hand Tm. Somebody managed to write "job" behind it, so it looks like Magic Handjob (tm is writen over).
Now this is awfully confusing to me, because i would say that it blows. And it doesn't blow very well, so that's the worst blowjob i have ever gotten.

WhyMi 3,549 12
12/16/2009 11:25 AM

Ghost of Chickens Past
12/16/2009 12:50 PM How can we train the hot chicks to pay us for blow jobs?



There in lies the rub (no pun intended...well..maybe) If they are truely "hot", then they really shouldn't NEED to be trained to pay us....they should already KNOW to.





(ducks as the shoes, cookies etc. come flying at his rather large head(you decide which))

Cyco 'Chuck Fristmas' Ivan 11,330 11
12/16/2009 11:54 AM

I think I'd rather have Randall's bag of teeth lady than my current situation now.

Allow me to posit Cyco's BJ Probablility theory

BJ (probablilty of a BJ) = 1 / (((A-17) x (B x5)) x C + (D x B) + E)

where A = age , B = number of kids in your household, C = is the coefficient of marriage (.42 if not married, 1.08 if married, and .62 if divorced), D = the "Are there any kids around?" Coefficient (.2 if no kids in house or at all, 5.6 if they are awake, and 2.3 if they are sleeping). E = Do you have roofies? 1 if yes, 0 if no.

Anyways in my case it's BJ = 1 / (13 x 15) x 1.08 + 6.9 + 0 giving us 1/ 217.5 or just under a half percent probability, so yeah, it isn't going to happen

Math sucks

Barney S. Claus 2,612 19
12/16/2009 12:01 PM

Allow me to posit Cyco's BJ Probablility theory

BJ (probablilty of a BJ) = 1 / (((A-17) x (B x5)) x C + (D x B) + E)

where A = age , B = number of kids in your household, C = is the coefficient of marriage (.42 if not married, 1.08 if married, and .62 if divorced), D = the "Are there any kids around?" Coefficient (.2 if no kids in house or at all, 5.6 if they are awake, and 2.3 if they are sleeping). E = Do you have roofies? 1 if yes, 0 if no.


If you put that much work into working, you would be a billionaire.

hairy festivus gal 14,795 17
12/16/2009 12:04 PM

Math sucks


Apparently, not as much as you wiShakespeare wood would.

Cyco 'Chuck Fristmas' Ivan 11,330 11
12/16/2009 12:05 PM

If you put that much work into working, you would be a billionaire.

Uh, no because they pay me for how long I'm here not how hard I work. Thank Jeebus for that.

Ravos the red nosed reindeer 63,472 21
12/16/2009 12:58 PM

Anyways in my case it's BJ = 1 / (13 x 15) x 1.08 + 6.9 + 0 giving us 1/ 217.5 or just under a half percent probability, so yeah, it isn't going to happen

Hey, that's just over 1 a year. But not quite 2. So, looking forward to your birthday I assume?

Cyco 'Chuck Fristmas' Ivan 11,330 11
12/16/2009 03:16 PM

Heh, don't I wish. However being that it's a probability equation, it also has to follow Murphy's Law, which means it would be the worst time. So I'll probably get into a car accident on the way home from work and turn into a vegetable, then she'll want to give me one.

As I understand it, inserting vegetables into your orfices is a common female fantasy. At least that's what the Internet told me.

Pants 14,252 17
12/16/2009 03:28 PM

Is there any women, besides Trae, that can give decent head?

KChiki...with bells on! 128,375 98
12/16/2009 03:29 PM

I can, but I'm not giving out samples.

Reverend Dave Rodriguez Hates Xmas 2,413 0
12/16/2009 04:09 PM

Pants:

Yes. Fat girls give great head. Just ask anyone that was drunk and near Chance or Millie on any given night.

Pants 14,252 17
12/16/2009 04:19 PM

I can, but I'm not giving out samples.

If I wanted lip service from you I'd jam my co... Oh, never mind.

The Sage 36,465 8 sits up straighter in his chair
12/16/2009 04:43 PM

As I understand it, inserting vegetables into your orfices is a common female fantasy. At least that's what the Internet told me.

Well, that depends on the size of the vegetable...

cakes and ale 2,404 6
12/16/2009 05:18 PM

It's more about the shape than the size. Carrot, good. Bell pepper, bad.

New! Holiday Edition Thud! 68,506 19
12/16/2009 05:29 PM

So a helmet wearer is out?

Oyster Stuffed Priestess 58,948 29
12/16/2009 05:47 PM

My last ex's penis was crooked from the base. Really. When he was "in le mood" his penis would lay flat on his stomach at a 45 degree angle. A very akward postion, I had to tilt my head. Plus he wasn't snipped, so I was always paranoid about head cheese. Hence all the really poor bjs he got. He shouldn't complain, his penis was the problem.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
12/16/2009 06:52 PM

Get him to take a bubble bath, or just tell him to be fresh and clean or he won't get squat.

Some of you seem a bit repressed with this non-talking with your sex partner. Why not talk to each other about what you each like. It's especially fun do this durring shopping for groceries or while having lunch. Oh yeah... I forgot I'm a savage.


I may not be great at giving; but my enthusiasm makes up for any mistakes.

New! Holiday Edition Thud! 68,506 19
12/16/2009 07:01 PM

I may not be great at giving; but my enthusiasm makes up for any mistakes.

Enthusiasm will make up for lot of mistakes, but some mistakes cannot be made up for.

Cannot.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
12/17/2009 01:22 AM

I've never draw blood on any male member below the waist. Although I did wake up once while I was giving a hickey(which drew blood)to my boyfriend. I have woken up several times having initiated sex with my hubby. That was before we had kids.
Damn I'm a sleepsexer. Learn something new everyday.

Nachos 57,521 23
12/17/2009 04:28 AM

Allow me to posit Cyco's BJ Probablility theory

BJ (probablilty of a BJ) = 1 / (((A-17) x (B x5)) x C + (D x B) + E)

where A = age , B = number of kids in your household, C = is the coefficient of marriage (.42 if not married, 1.08 if married, and .62 if divorced), D = the "Are there any kids around?" Coefficient (.2 if no kids in house or at all, 5.6 if they are awake, and 2.3 if they are sleeping). E = Do you have roofies? 1 if yes, 0 if no.

All boys aged 16 years or less must hate you, regardless of the number of children they have and the number of roofies that they have in their possession.

Nachos 57,521 23
12/17/2009 04:42 AM

And by that I mean because you must touch them inappropriately because there's no way on earth I could have miscalculated so that the actual answer is 'Most boys aged 16 years or less must hate you, as long as they don't breed like rabbits'.

Nope, not at all. Ever.

Jingle Chance 171,275 14
12/17/2009 07:22 AM

Yes. Fat girls give great head. Just ask anyone that was drunk and near Chance or Millie on any given night.

I'm PHAT. GET IT RIGHT!

Jingle Chance 171,275 14
12/17/2009 07:25 AM

Oh, and I bite. So unless you like your so called "head" on a platter, I wouldnt go there.

hairy festivus gal 14,795 17
12/17/2009 08:48 AM

I've never draw blood on any male member below the waist. Although I did wake up once while I was giving a hickey(which drew blood)to my boyfriend. I have woken up several times having initiated sex with my hubby.


Let me get this straight; you were giving your boyfriend a hickey AND had initiated teh secks with hubby?

Apparently you're keeping quite warm in your teepee!

Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
12/17/2009 09:00 AM

Yes. Fat girls give great head. Just ask anyone that was drunk and near Chance or Millie on any given night.

Did you read any of Millie's posts up there?

cakes and ale 2,404 6
12/17/2009 09:28 AM

I have been giving a blow job to the same person everyday for the last five years. This morning was different.

All of a sudden he lifted his knees. Up to his chest. I think that I actually made the Scooby Doo sound, "Ruh?" Let me just say that this is not a good look. It's feminine, gay and made me look around for the stirrups. Plus, I'm not really sure what this was an invitation to. Lick your balls? Your ass? I'll get there when I get there. Don't rush me.

I thought that broken glass/ass guy was a bad visual. We may have to break up now.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
12/17/2009 01:35 PM

Let me get this straight; you were giving your boyfriend a hickey AND had initiated teh secks with hubby?

Yes, but the point I was trying to make; I started this in my sleep. Do you see the direction I'm trying to go?

peoriagrace 6,166 11
12/18/2009 12:54 PM

Anyone understand what I'm hinting at?

Brad Poynter 36,174 48
12/18/2009 12:58 PM

Not really, but do you feel like taking a nap?

Under the Camel, I mean Mistletoe 101,398 77
12/20/2009 09:23 PM

Using the formula, I figured out that tehHaggis has a 1.13% chance of a blowjob tonight. When I told him this, he said "Whoo hoo! So I have a chance?!"

I think this math stuff is just a way to trick us women into a) feeling bad and giving out a blow job or b) give out a blow job in defiance of the low number.

In other words, my mouth is now full.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
12/21/2009 01:24 AM

I have been giving a blow job to the same person everyday for the last five years.


Wait, you give your significant other a hummer EVERY DAY?






You're my new favorite Liver. I'd like to subscribe to your newsletter, please.

hairy festivus gal 14,795 17
12/21/2009 07:49 AM

Anyone understand what I'm hinting at?



Well I think you were wedged between the two.

hairy festivus gal 14,795 17
12/21/2009 07:52 AM

Using the formula, I figured out that tehHaggis has a 1.13% chance of a blowjob tonight. When I told him this, he said "Whoo hoo! So I have a chance?!"


Wait a minute. Chance might be coming over?

Ravos the red nosed reindeer 63,472 21
12/21/2009 07:55 AM

Anyone understand what I'm hinting at?

Well I think that you're crazy.

Ravos the red nosed reindeer 63,472 21
12/21/2009 07:56 AM

In other words, my mouth is now full.

You're a talented lady, underwhere. Multi-tasking requires skill!

peoriagrace 6,166 11
12/22/2009 03:32 AM

I'm saying; think off all the stuff I can get away with while acting a sleep!

cakes and ale 2,404 6
12/22/2009 10:16 AM

Yes, Whistler, everyday. I just make it part of my morning routine. My mouth already tastes like Shakespeare when I wake up and it keeps him in line the rest of the day. Besides, he's 50 years old. How much longer can he live before dying and leaving his money to me get it up?