Crazy stuff you do A comedy conversation
by Taco Murderface Murderface 61,976 36 10/20/2008 06:02 PM 703 views
Everyone has weird ass habits they have that, seemingly, other people do not. Then you read about some whacko on a comedy board who does the exact same thing and find out it's not so unique.
For example, I often make "escape plans" in class and work. Like, "if a crazy homeless man with a gun enters the room, how will I escape/save the day/clean the Shakespeare stains out of my pants?"
I pretend I'm racing other cars on the highway, or that I'm trying to escape from secret government agents in pursuit.
I obsessively yank out my hair, mostly my eyebrows and eyelashes. It's actually an impulse disorder, but it sometimes results in hilarious gaps in my eyebrows.
In my head, I speak with an accent (that shifts depending on my mood).
I did something similar, Dit. When I was younger I attributed emotion to inanimate objects. Like, if I had to pick between one birthday card or another to give a friend, I would be seriously upset for snubbing the other card.
Like, "if a crazy homeless man with a gun enters the room, how will I escape/save the day/clean the Shakespeare stains out of my pants?"
As opposed to the scenario where a crazy homeowner with a gun enters the room, and you would just continue minding your own business?
I don't mean to be anal retentive about your post here. I am not anal retentive. As a matter of fact, I often have to think about how I will get the Shakespeare stains out of my pants, even though I never get attacked by a crazy gunman.
I did something similar, Dit. When I was younger I attributed emotion to inanimate objects. Like, if I had to pick between one birthday card or another to give a friend, I would be seriously upset for snubbing the other card.
I do the same thing! I buy crap at The Goodwill because I know nobody will buy it, and it'll just be sitting there, all alone.
Which is why my house is filled with things that people tend to throw away.
Escape Plans? Yes, both tactical and strategic (a la Zombie Survival Plans).
When I was a kid, if my skin was rubbed one way, I would rub it in the opposite direction several times. I had the feeling a microscopic layer of skin was being peeled off, and the reverse-rub would effectively re-apply it.
Imagine my reaction the day I discovered exfoliants...
When I was little, I used to pick up things with my feet, because if I were to be in a horrible accident and lose my arms, I'd already be a step ahead.
2 things: I obsesivly straighten the A/C vents in my car. For some reason, I cannot stand it when the vents aren't perfectly centered and level.
Also, I have a little problem with eye contact. Whenever one of my friends is talking to me, I stare off into space, as if I were not paying attention at all. Then when my friend goes to question me if I were paying attention, I repeat word-for-word what they say.
When I was a kid, if my skin was rubbed one way, I would rub it in the opposite direction several times. I had the feeling a microscopic layer of skin was being peeled off, and the reverse-rub would effectively re-apply it.
That's exactly why masturbation is usually a back and forth motion. Something we all picked up from a childhood obsession.
Climbs trees and brays at full moons
Sleeps hanging upside down every other Thursday
Eats in the dark wearing glasses
Avoids talking on cell phones while driving
I sometimes make weird little rules about insignificant everyday tasks.
Example: We used to have a coke machine at work. If I bought a coke, I used to tell myself that I had to put my hand into the basket on the bottom of the machine and catch the can before it made contact with the plastic housing, or something really bad would happen to me.
I Frosted up a few times and didn't catch it on the fly. That pretty much explains why I'm like this today.
I also continually procrastinate on almost everything I have to do. For example, I had a huge paper (80 pages) due today that I have yet to print out, let alone turn in, and I also have another paper due Wednesday that I have yet to finish. And I'm still on GAB...I need help.
I wrote the first one on the old board, but since that's all gone now, I can write it again.
After I wash my hands in the bathroom at work, I always look in the mirror check to see if my boobs are even (by where my nipples are), and if they aren't, I adjust them accordingly. However, they probably go right back to being all crooked after a few minutes.
I also call my cats stupid names like booby-face, pretty paws, and slinky girl, and a number of other names. Surprisingly enough, they actually respond to their real names.
I always watch my odometer in the car to see when the trip counter (which I zero out every time I fill the tank) has four of the same numbers in a row, or a series of four numbers in order (i.e. 222.2 or 123.4). I feel very cheated if I glance at it and have missed the numbers by one tenth of a mile.
I never drink the last 3 or 4 drinks of anything. I figure by then it's mostly backwash.
I have a weird obsession with left. A few examples are I only take a shirt out of the closet if the front is facing left, I always sleep on the left side of the bed, and although I'm right handed I always masturbate smoke with my left.
Finger nails repulse me, I clip mine 3 to 4 times a week.
I'm trying to escape from secret government agents in pursuit.
I obsessively yank out my hair, mostly my eyebrows and eyelashes. It's actually an impulse disorder, but it sometimes results in hilarious gaps in my eyebrows.
In my head, I speak with an accent (that shifts depending on my mood).
Once in a while, I realize that a person who gets on my nerves does so because they do something very Frosted up, and I do exactly the same thing. So if I ever say that Taco is getting on my nerves, please remind me of this.
I do these three things almost exactly. Except I don't pull out my eyebrows. I pull out my ear and nose hairs and, if I forget myself, my beard.
I often ask people who won't let me pass them on the highway if they don't realize that I am being pursued by the NSA and the CIA. I do this in a vaguely eastern European accent. I offer myself cups of coffee in a middle eastern accent, and I thank myself in an Indian accent (dot, SR, calm down).
I have to admit that this isn't always limited to the inside of my head. If I'm alone, I'll do it out loud.
I posted in the TMI thread that I pull hair out, Of my head of my arms, lets, eye brows, eyelashes... pretty much anywhere there is hair. It is not to the excess that I am bald in spots, but I did wax my legs and chest for fun once, so I could pull out all the hair at once. Yeah you can even ask my wife, she bought me the wax to do it.
I look for weapons in the building I am in that I could use when the Zombies attack.
When I pump gasoline, The total must end in a full dollar or half dollar amount.
I know there is more but I am not going to get into it.
I also do the accent thing, although usually out loud and sometimes with my friends. It's usually some sort of British, although I'm working on my Coleridgeney accent.
I often think funny things to myself that I have either done or seen and then I have to hold back fits of laughter. It happened today in my English class when I realized that on my Spanish exam I accidentally wrote, "The mother shot her son because he his his brother."
I try to anticipate how someone will react to what I'm going to say, when I think it's something that's going to piss them off or get me into an argument somehow. Then I hold whole arguments in my head, playing both roles. Sometimes I get so carried away, I let my facial expressions get away with me, and I start muttering to myself. It's horrifyingly embarrassing when I get caught.
And so am I. I must have even numbers. When counting something or getting database ID numbers it always must be even numbers. It becomes a contest in my head to achive even numbers. Also, when forced into a crowded room, I can visualize all the disgusting germs and bacteria multiplying in the air until I have to leave so I won't breath in dirty air.
I do the even numbers thing, but multiples of five are okay too. I also sort my clothing by color and season, like "red shirts" and "from tank tops to tees to long sleeve to sweaters." I don't have a germ fixation because I know it's scientifically unsound, but I have a very specific order and organization and when someone Frosts it up, my whole day is thrown off and my opinion of them goes way down. How the Frost could you not see that my DVDs are alphabetized?!
I also do the arguments thing, but half of mine are before I've even called/met up with the person. I try to anticipate anything they could use in an argument and come up with a well-worded and irrefutable retort.
I also do the escape plan. Sometimes when I'm at the park with my kids I even look for sharp rocks to put in my pocket in case I need to smaShakespeare against someone's face.
I compulsively email radio shows. I stream shows from my desk at work, stations in Kansas City, Milwaukee, Phoenix, Houston, Tulsa, sometimes L.A. and a national show. I mostly send short one liners. I've probably had close to 400 read over the air just this year. I just had to complete a tax form for the local radio station in KC because I've prizes totalling over $1,000 (free food, two suits and tickets). I also won 256 Snickers bars. I still have about 30. I can't eat any more Snickers and neither can my co-workers
When I get new clothes I have a particular way I wear them the first time. I never wear them on a Monday or the day after a Holiday. I feel like it's "hey, you went and bought a new shirt this weekend." I normally skip Tuesday as well. I usually start on Wednesday. When I get clothes for Christmas I won't wear them until late January. And I won't wear two new outfits two days in a row.
A minor thing I do is arrange all of my Stephen King books (I own all of them) by release date (haven't gotten down to edition release date yet). I used to alternate between alphabetically and chronologically, but I've left it chronologically lately.
OMG I get to see him on November 6th and I get a signed copy of his newest book that won't be out until the following week! So excited!
Ok, this isn't very funny. Sorry. I am excited though! I'll probably make a fool of myself in front of him.
I watch TV shows and DVDs with the captions on even though I'm not hard of hearing. Sometimes it will show lines that aren't audible on the movie. Once, in a show that kept using the word lesbian it kept writing 'less beans'.
The Original Star Wars Theatrical Releases DVDs are on top of the bookshelf where the DVDs are kept. Frost all to anything else. SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU PUT THOSE OUT OF ORDER YOU'RE IN FOR SOME Shakespeare!
A simple fan turns to obsession when I offer her the pen I was signing books with. She suddenly can write down my thoughts as I think them. This leads to the most horrifying experience of her life, as she finds out I am not actually that talented, and I just give up on the endings of my books after I drag it out for 20 chapters.
I bring stones into my home and use them as a decoration. I imagine the whole "life" of the stone, and realize that although it's in my house for the moment, it will be back in nature getting eroded away waaaay past my body has gone to dust. I imagine myself as a stone or a tree and realize how short my life as a human really is.
Also ~
I'm not a packrat, but I sometimes think about all the STUFF I have in my house that I either don't use but keep or can't throw away for whatever sentimental or "practical" reason.
Sometimes, when I'm driving my car - or riding in an airplane - I look out at all the houses and apartment complexes and businesses and churches and other structures, and realize that each one is full of stuff that people are saving for whatever reason. Although we have this stuff for the moment, it will all go separate ways at some point or another.
I also imagine all the "hidden" stuff, like dirty mags, drugs and alcohol, and other secret stuff in people's homes and how creative and different the hiding methods are. I imagine all this stuff as if I were looking at it through an x-ray machine.
Crazy! I know!
The magnitude of these mind Frosts inundates me ...so I wrap my head in foil to protect my brain.
All of the TVs in my house show the volume as a number. It has to be an even number or a multiple of 5 or I just don't feel right. 17 is the perfect volume in my bedroom, but I'm too uncomfortable leaving it there. I spend a lot of time going back and forth between 16 and 18. Also, if someone else changes the volume and I notice it's not right, I'll ease my way to the remote to change it.
I sing songs to my dogs that I add dog words to so that they will interest them:
I went down to the river, and arf arf woof woof arf arf woof
I went down to the river, and arf arf woof woof arf arf woof
Saw my baby, she wouldn't bow wow wow bow wow bow wow
SR, this is a comedy site. I was making what you might call a "funny". It may just be a coincidence, but the two things may have something to do with each other.
And in conclusion, I just want to add my own editorial: poop.
I make up secret nicknames for all of my neighbors, based on what they look like or what I see them doing most. Here are just a few:
Azrael Abyss - the Goth teenager across the street. Nature Stone guy- has a driveway made of Nature Stone and sweeps it obsessively. The "If You Think I'm Sexy" Guy- the pot-bellied old guy who mows his lawn without a shirt on. I always hear that Rod Stewart song in my head when I see him. Detroit Rock City- guy who is always wearing a jean jacket with a Kiss logo on the back, even in the summer. Anderson - really short guy who looks just like the Anderson character on Beavis and Butthead. Whevenever I see him, I say to myself, "Beavis and Butthead, have you been whacking off in my shed again?"
You're like everyone gamer chick I've ever met. They have phone sex with the desperate little gamers on World of Warcraft. And the guys give them everything they ask for in that game.
I tend to watch people on the bus. I feel almost like a stalker.
There is a fat black lady who reads the bible every day on the bus. She wears spandex pants, and waddles off the bus when it gets to her stop.
There is this other really big white guy. He looks like he might be polish, he has a lot of moles. He never shows any kind of emotion, and always sits on the bus staring forward, which is creepy if you are sitting across from him. He always wear the same clothes, all year round. Black running shoes, navy sweat pants with elastic bands at the ankles, and an olive green sweater. He also carries an MSN live messenger bag. He must be a liver.
Just like that girl that actually ebayed to spread her legs for anyone who would buy her an "epic flying mount" a item in the game that costs 5200 gold coins. The equivalent of 480 man hours, of work. For a lay that would last all of 3 pumps from the guys that is so hard up to get laid he beds a whore on ebay selling herself.
I once read a short story where people had sweatshops in Central America and Asia where poor people played Warcraft (or something like it) all day for pennies and hour. Then their weapons or magic or whatever was sold on the internet to people in the U.S. or England.
Some girl in England started getting paid to go and kill all these people in the game. She found out it was one sweat shop paying her to kill another sweat shop's employees.
Anda's Game I think it was called.
But yeah, for a while I used to count while doing things mainly out of boredom at work to pass the time. The problem is that it would leak into everyday things going on in life.
While I am walking on a sidewalk I will count my steps in each block and then I will use those steps as a measure of distance if I had to lay those slabs of concrete to cross an ocean, then it would shift to if I was making a floating walk way to anywhere, I could just have a concrete bath floating under me so I could just run through the air, like ice man, or like that boy from Rainbow bright. Running on a Rainbow, how the hell did that work? I think the purple pie man was a better bad guy than Murky and Lurky, but Lurky was pretty funny. Skeletor was by far cooler but I wonder why you would walk around in a harness and woolly underwear like that?
Is woolly underwear itchy? I should buy new razors.
I keep Traffic Light Score while driving. It's best played on regular routes, to/from work, for example. That way you can compare today's record to yesterday's. Or, add today's score to yesterday's, so you end up with a winning record.
I will totally change my driving habits to make it through a green light. 80mph in a 25mph zone is fine, so long as you enter the intersection before the light turns red.
Routes (or ruts!) with an odd-number of lights are best; no ties. Also okay to cut across someone's lawn to avoid a red light that will make you lose that day.
And Frost-yeah, my mood swings based on the score when I arrive at my destination. Or whatever new destination I found, just so I could get through wheterver-frosting-number-of-traffic-lights-is-required-to-frosting-win!
I've grown out of a lot of the weird stuff I posted in the old thread about this.
One thing I notice I do a lot when I'm meant to be doing other stuff is planning outfits. I can literally watch a whole football match with McPants, all the while sorting through all the clothes I own, thinking about what I will wear the next day, and imagining what clothes to wear with my new shoes.
I eat my dinner in order of least to most favourite food on the plate.
I wipe my ass standing up
Wet hair makes me gag
I loathe clipping my toenails and leave it as long as I can until my revulsion of their length overcomes my revulsion at cutting them
I was born with pointy ears
I prefer even numbers over odd. Thermostat or TV volume, it has to be set at an even number. Dual light switches must both be either up or down if I'm not in the room. I only kill in groups of threeve.
I farmed 15000 gold to purchase Epic mounts for all 3 of my characters. I offered to buy my wife her mount, she said she wanted to do it herself. I just don't think she wanted me to enlist the BJ on demand anytime any place rule for giving her 5k gold.
Hey Taco, the wet hair thing is about loose, not-attached-to-head hair. Like clearing the plughole in the shower, or in the swimming pool when it sticks to my bare flesh. oh.......god..........*sicks a bit in her mouth*
What if you where drunk one night and you wake up and your moth is full of hair. Long hair, you feel a bit tickle your lip, you pull it and it then you notice there is more in your mouth than you thought. You pull the hair out of your mouth and it tickles as it slides out of your throat. Just wads of it keep coming out of your mouth, and it isn't the color of your own hair it is something else. You keep pulling it out of your mouth and it is slimy with saliva, think bunches of it keep coming out of your mouth. Feeling it slide up from the back of your throat, it just won't stop coming out of your mouth! How did all that hair get there? Where did it come from?
I often ask people who won't let me pass them on the highway if they don't realize that I am being pursued by the NSA and the CIA. I do this in a vaguely eastern European accent. I offer myself cups of coffee in a middle eastern accent, and I thank myself in an Indian accent (dot, SR, calm down).
My ex-husband and I used to make up voices for our pets and talk for them. We also would do this in the car, when we were driving along and saw an animal, such as a farm animal, a deer, or a dog in a yard. The voices were either high and reedy or low and gravelly. I still do this when I'm driving and with my own cats. Unfortunately, the animals are usually saying disturbing things like, "Human, I wish I could peck your eyes out and eat them!" (a crow on the side of the road--low voice), or "Let me out you bitch!" (my cat--high voice.) We didn't really do accents, though.
I sing songs to my dogs that I add dog words to so that they will interest them:
I do the same with my cats. I was singing the song Hush, but instead it was:
Meow, Meow
I thought I heard her callin' my name, now..
Meow, Meow
She broke my heart but I love her just the same, now
What the frost is up with the guys who have to expectorate into the urinal prior to emptying their bladders? Is this some type of territory marking procedure? I've been more-or-less happily using urinals for some time, and have never felt obliged to hock even the occasional lump of lung cheese into the stupid thing.
And while we're on this topic, what's up with the massive quantities, (I like that word, it has tits in the middle; sorta right where they belong, kinda), of pubic hair that collects around the bottom rim? Are there THAT many visitors from the sasquatch branch of the family tree using the facilities where I work? Holy Shakespeare, it's not like I'm trimming my junk, but then neither have any of my hairs committed folicular suicide by jumping as soon as the zipper goes down! So, WTF?
It just lets you know how many guys are scratching their unshowerd testicles while they pee. Knocking hairs lose. Just picture all that HAIR right Marmite?
I compulsively spit while in the shower. It's because I don't like the taste of the city water, so I spit preemptively to avoid tasting it.
I also tug at/pull out my eyebrows and eyelashes. I also pick at EVERYTHING. It's like a very specific OCD since I'm not a very neat person. But I have to remove all crumbs/lint/dust/fuzz/foreign objects from flat surfaces.
When I was little, if I spun around in one direction, I had to spin back around in the other direction to "unwind" myself. I imagined I was connected to a cord and if it got wound up too much one way, it would break and I would either die or fly off the earth.
I also did the "assign emotions to inanimate objects" thing and would feel guilty about hurting the feelings of objects if I chose one over the other.
I like to go threw the drive thru at the local coffee shop and place my order speaking as if i had and I.Q of about 20 then pull up to the window and speak normal (or Indian accent onetime)then watch as the person at the window thinks they have special needs and need to schedule a hearing test.
After reading this thread, I am actually happy that some of you don't get my sense of humor.
However to preserve thread continuity, I will admit to one messed up habit. If there is a floater left in the pot after someone flushes, I play sink-the-u-boat with my piss stream.
I quickly glance at road signs while driving and somehow the spelling gets screwed around into dirty words or phrases. Like a sort of pornographic dyslexia.
When my mind is otherwise unoccupied (like while driving), I am CONSTANTLY looking at words (road signs, makes and models of cars, etc.) and running them backwards. TOYOTA = ATOYOT, SUBARU = URABUS, that kind of thing.
Maybe I'm secretly a Satanist, and didn't know it.
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