So I've been having some real severe neck pain the past month or so.  I finally decided it was time to get it checked out and while I was doing that I'd go ahead and get my yearly physical since they're so darn fun.  The prostate exam is especially fun because, well, because it's my butt and the doctor is a pretty tall guy with big hands and long fingers.  It's like getting a prostate exam from E.T.  I wouldnt' be surprised when I yelled out in pain that light would come shooting out of my mouth.  But I digress.  Oh yeah, and I also had to take a Hemoccult test.  I love the packaging for this.  

"The best blood occult test available" or something like that.  Like my poop is possessed by Satan and wants to sacrifice a virgin.  Stranger things have happened I suppose.  For anyone who isn't familiar with this test, they give you these collection sheets that are designed to catch the poop before it hits the water.  Mine always goes right through the paper like a hot knife through butter.  So what you end up doing is fishing for your own poop in the bottom of a bowl with a little wooden stick.  You have to put three separate samples from three different poops and date each one.  One year I did two samples of mine and the third one from one of the cats.  Oddly enough, all three came up normal.

This year I did the first two and then on the third one I glued a half a peanut.

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/05/2008 10:57 PM

So last Thursday I got all the results back.

I have blood in my poop. They were thrilled with the peanut. My psa jumped from a .8 last year to a 2.4. My prostate is enlarged but then again its always been larger than normal. 2.4 is still within the normal range but the doctor is real concerned that it jumped as much as it did. I'll retake both tests in two months. I also have something in my neck called a cervical radiculopathy. "Why doctor I didn't even know I had a cervix. That's radiculous." I have two degenerative disks in my neck. I used to have just one but now I have two owwies. The doctor says that this will only get worse. Well duh. Basically that means that I could have anything from a bone spur to a growth of some sort. With any luck it's my undeveloped twin. Or a vagina, whichever. At any rate, I'm finally paying for all that headbanging back in the late 80's.

The good news? The pituitary gland tumor hasn't gotten any worse. SCORE!! So, no, I'm not scared Shakespeareless at all.

Thud 68,506 19
11/05/2008 11:34 PM

Ain't it fun getting old?

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/05/2008 11:56 PM

It would appear that one of the Zug bugs ate my thread title.

Thud 68,506 19
11/06/2008 12:02 AM

So it would appear that "It's a tumor" is apropos for this situation.

Humphrey 51,764 12
11/06/2008 12:47 AM

I... have prostate cancer?

Chit 178,781 15
11/06/2008 01:56 AM

 Ain't it fun getting old?

It beats the hell out of the other option.

Spicey Pram's Lobster Taco Undies 80,728 42
11/06/2008 01:58 AM

Hey Frat,

I have blood in my stool too! We can be like two people who are unrelated!

TomServo 3,759 7
11/06/2008 02:40 AM

When I go to the doctor for a sore neck and he wants to put his fingers in my bum. I get a second opinion.

Thats just me.

Strangely Cromulent Bikini 62,262 18
11/06/2008 03:35 AM

Hey Servo! Learn to read:

I finally decided it was time to get it checked out and while I was doing that I'd go ahead and get my yearly physical since they're so darn fun.

TomServo 3,759 7
11/06/2008 03:54 AM

Hey Servo! Learn to read:

Yeah I like tuna, but I much prefer good old BLT.

Closet Friend 7,665 11
11/06/2008 09:22 AM

A hemoccult isn't nearly as pleasant as Fratberry makes it seem.  Catch sheets?  I was instructed to use cling-wrap, loosely affixed to the toilet so as not to let lumpy take a dip.  The uncontained, unpleasant odor is just thick and unrelenting, and the amount of heat coming off is astounding!  Then, the truly mortifying part:  Just-get-the-sample, just-Get-the-Sample, just-GET-the-OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SWINGING AND ROLLING AROUND!!!

Shell Belle 77,143 25
11/06/2008 09:40 AM

I had to do the hemoccult last year. Then my doctor's office somehow misplaced the cards before they could test them, so I had to do them again. 

I have since changed doctors.

Ravos the Mathimagician 63,472 21
11/06/2008 09:43 AM

Then my doctor's office somehow misplaced the cards before they could test them, so I had to do them again.

You mean he got hungy/thirsty.

Th Real Gonzo 118 6
11/06/2008 12:48 PM

You have to put three separate samples from three different poops and date each one. 

Where does one take a poop sample on a date?  Someplace crappy, I suspect.

dangerousbeans 1,172 6
11/06/2008 02:58 PM

My girlfriend is aout to graduate with her Masters in nutritional sciences (dietitian) and she wants me to be part of a study.  Basically, I take this fiber supplement for 3 months and Shakespeare in a prepaid shipping box three times a week for $400 a month.  I told her I was all about it, my friends want in too.  I would just love to see the look on the poor interns face when they open up a box full of bloody Shakespeare because of my hemorrhoids.

Speaking of hemorrhoids, I had the worst case ever after Holloween weekend.  I drank way way way too much and played soccer, so I was really dehydrated.  When that happens, your intestines swell up with blood.  Cue a bad hemorrhoid that is waiting to burst and I'm pising a pint of blood out of my ass.  I was freaked out to say the least.  I just wiShakespeareook a picture.

Shell Belle 77,143 25
11/06/2008 03:12 PM

 I just wiShakespeareook a picture.

Oh, we all do. Damn.

dinesh 24,862 16
11/06/2008 04:24 PM

my poop tests have been clean to date.  wiping all the KY out of your ass after the prostate check is worse than trying to get all the soap feel off when you're showering someplace with very soft water, though.

GrammarNazi 954 5
11/06/2008 04:34 PM

I had to take the poop test earlier this summer because of severe anemia.  The doc never gave me anything to catch the poo in, so I used an old plastic storage container and tossed it later.  Tests came back negative, thank goodness..  That's by far the worst thing I've ever had to do next to OB/GYN exams.

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/07/2008 09:28 PM

I left work early today.  I was vomiting from being in so much pain.  Which is great since I've been fighting off migraines the past two days AND with the neck pain, well that just made the blowing chunks SO much more fun.  

The good news is that I think I finally got rid of all those pesky hairballs.

Millie 116,988 28
11/07/2008 09:31 PM

Frat, I also left work early today because I was ill.  But my malady is a really bad cold.  I don't even have any sick time left, but I couldn't keep coughing and sneezing on customers.

I hope you feel better.  I know about migraines, neck pain, and puking.  Unfortunately, I don't puke enough to ever get skinny.

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/12/2008 12:35 PM

Update:  I failed a bunch of reflex and motor skills tests at the doctor's office yesterday.  I couldn't even do the heel to toe walk without falling over.  The PA jokingly asked me if I had been drinking, to which I replied "If I had been it sure would explain why I'm cussing like a drunk mother-Frosting sailor."  She laughed.  Apparently they don't have too many people with a sense of humor.  I have an MRI on my neck scheduled for next week but the doctor is already saying that the MRI is only going to confirm what they suspect.  And, of course, they suspect that my neck is Frosted up and in need of surgery.  I'll know more next Friday.  I am so happy I could Shakespeare ducks.  Frost Frost Frostity Frost Frost.

Joo Grrrrl 15,189 12
11/12/2008 02:19 PM

QUACK!

AFLAC!!

3816 211,594 32
11/12/2008 02:42 PM

I had a poop test last week; it came out positive.

The doctor told me, "You have corn." I asked, "Are you sure?" He said, "Positive."

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/12/2008 10:26 PM

Thanks for caring everyone.  Everybody except Millie is out of the will.  Which means that Millie will be getting 72 cats and a love swing.  They are not to be used together.  According to the court order.

Millie 116,988 28
11/13/2008 06:43 PM

Everybody except Millie is out of the will.  Which means that Millie will be getting 72 cats and a love swing.

Yay!

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/21/2008 03:32 PM

I got the MRI results back today.  Two degenerative disks and one bulging disk (heh).  No surgery yet but I do get to have an epidural shot in my neck next week.  I also have an appointment with the neurologist since I've having pain in my extremities and I'm having trouble maintaining my balance and I keep dropping things.  This of course scares the Shakespeare out of the cats whenever I try to pick one up.  Picture a bunch of cats running away from a stumbling me while yelling "DO NOT WANT!!!11" and me groaning in pain. 

So I guess that's good news.  If the epidural doesn't work then we're looking at surgery but that won't be until next year.  And that means I still get to have my left shoulder surgery on December 18th as scheduled.  

Thing is, I have a cervical radiculopathy and I'm getting an epidural.  I think maybe I'm pregnant and they're just afraid to tell me.  Frosters.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
11/21/2008 03:39 PM

Hey, at least you had a neck for several years.



I lost my neck before I could even have any pain in it.

KChiki is a Cheeky Monkey 128,387 98
11/21/2008 03:41 PM

Frat, please stop falling apart. Zug is not the same without you.

Thanksyerapeach,

KChikita

Chit 178,781 15
11/21/2008 03:46 PM

Hey, at least you had a neck for several years.



I lost my neck before I could even have any pain in it.





Worst Week Evar!

 

KChiki is a Cheeky Monkey 128,387 98
11/21/2008 03:48 PM

I lost my neck before I could even have any pain in it.

So where do you hang your bow-tie? I CALL SHENANIGANS!

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/21/2008 04:32 PM

So where do you hang your bow-tie?

Please don't answer that.

Brubert 763 11
11/21/2008 04:51 PM

 Do cats have necks?