With the holidays upon us, please recount your worst Thanksgiving memory.  We're looking for every strained, dysfunctional, gin-soaked memory you can dredge up.  Please be specific, with lots of juicy details.  (I'm trying to feel better about my own family.)

Please rate the submissions below on funniness, as well as the degree of relief you feel that you weren't there.

BillSalamie 67,057 13
11/12/2008 09:02 AM

One year we celebrated Thanksgiving at my grandparent's house in Upstate NY. It was a tiny little two bedroom house. They lived most of the year in Florida but kept this house in NY as a second house. There was only one bathroom in the house and it was right next to the kitchen/dining room.

About 12 of us crammed into the dining area and started eating. About halfway through I started to get the dump sweats. I really wanted to hold it until after dinner because taking a dump would mean doing it like four feet from the dining room table and there would be no way to disguise the smell or the act. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and so I had to get up and go to the bathroom and crush the toilet, I mean I totally blew up the spot; like a 250 pound plumber with a belly full of Taco Bell and a stomach virus. I did a couple of courtesy flushes during the act but I doubt it did that much to keep the smell down.

All while all of my relatives had to sit there eating Thanksgiving dinner four feet away.

That's so Ravos 63,472 21
11/12/2008 09:37 AM

My mom was in the kitchen, making some delicious turkey. Meanwhile, my father was outside cutting wood with a skill saw, since he was building something. I am inside on my computer when I hear a loud scream from my dad saying "HELP!" I run outside, to find my dad holding his hand, drenched in blood. Turns out the skill saw kicked back while he was cutting, and it cut his thumb right at the joint. It was just sorta hanging there by a piece of skin, cut clean through the bone & everything. I ran inside, told my mom to call 911, and grabbed some clothes & bandages to wrap around it. Ambulance came, and he was rushed to the ER. My grandmother took over cooking the turkey, and when my dad got back with his thumb sewn back on around 7pm, we sat down and ate turkey like nothing had happened.

He still can't bend his thumb.

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/12/2008 12:24 PM

Artificial sweeteners give me migraines.  The more artificial sweetener there is the quicker they hit me.  One year we're spending Thanksgiving at my sister-in-law's house with her troll of a husband, his parents and other family members.  Well the trolls parents had brought some kind of congealed dessert thing that looked like a parade float and they were pushing it on everybody at the end of the meal.  "Try this, it's really great!"  So to shut them up we all ate some.  It tasted like a parade float.

Fifteen minutes later I had a blinding migraine and no migraine medication to take.  My wife and my sister-in-law managed to find out that the troll's mother had made the desert and had used sugar free jello with aspartame in it.  I was in a bedroom just off of the great room so I'm sure she heard me say at the top of my lungs:

"WHAT KIND OF Frost-ing IDIOT PUTS THAT Shakespeare IN A DESSERT FOR EVERYONE TO EAT?  I'LL BEAT THEIR GODDAMN HEAD IN!!!"

They don't spend Thanksgiving with us anymore.

dinesh 24,862 16
11/12/2008 01:14 PM

My most vivid memory of Thanksgiving was when I was nine years old and my mother and father told me they were getting divorced so my father could run off with the house-boy. I therefore refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving in the traditional way, including a ban on all "Thanksgiving food", insisting it's not as good after seeing a Thanksgiving dinner in reverse. My Thanksgiving dinner consists of tomato soup, grilled-cheese sandwiches, and a family-size bag of Funyuns. My Friends love my retellings of this back story of my home life and my hatred of the holiday, Joey going so far as to say, "It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Dinesh bumming us out!"

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/12/2008 01:24 PM

Could Dinesh's experience BE any more funny??

Midgets 96,123 48
11/12/2008 01:27 PM

Only if this year he spends it in a box.

helloclarice 17 10
11/12/2008 02:07 PM

My most vivid memory of Thanksgiving was when I was nine years old and my mother and father told me they were getting divorced so my father could run off with the house-boy. I therefore refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving in the traditional way, including a ban on all "Thanksgiving food", insisting it's not as good after seeing a Thanksgiving dinner in reverse. My Thanksgiving dinner consists of tomato soup, grilled-cheese sandwiches, and a family-size bag of Funyuns. My Friends love my retellings of this back story of my home life and my hatred of the holiday, Joey going so far as to say, "It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Dinesh bumming us out!"

OMG! Dinesh is Chandler Bing??

Barefoot Chance 171,275 14
11/12/2008 02:27 PM

When I was a kid, I would have this wicked reoccurring nightmare that everyone was over the house for Thanksgiving. Everyone was seated around the table and my step father went to go get the turkey. He came back into the dinner room with me butt naked on a platter, my ass facing the ceiling like a turkey. Now suppossally this was a joke or something. I've never really brought this up because I dont know if its actually happened or was just a nightmare. It sounds kinda funny though now.

That's so Ravos 63,472 21
11/12/2008 02:52 PM

He came back into the dinner room with me butt naked on a platter, my ass facing the ceiling like a turkey.

I think you get stuffed too often Chance, and thus, you feel like a turkey.

Spicey Pram's Lobster Taco Undies 80,728 42
11/12/2008 03:58 PM

Being Norwegian, my mom always made Lefse every Thanksgiving.

One year, she ran out of sugar and had to use a substitute.

Salt does not taste like sugar.

Farting Franks of Post America 43 7
11/12/2008 07:51 PM

I remember way back not to long ago as a small little chitlen, Teh whole "weird" side of my family came over for Thanksgiven. Of course I was there. We were having the good old fashion "everyone sit down at teh table hoo-ha. I wanted something that was in the middle of the table and being a small chold noone paid any heed to my pleading calls of help. So I stood up in my chair and stepped onto the table where as it would seem was not as stable as one would think. Noticing it was strangely sinking below me, I let out a howl of surprise. Only for thanksgiven dinner to flip on top of me and everyone sitting next to me as the table came crashing down.

Makes me chuckle thinking of that look on my mother's face.

SHP 181,795 70
11/13/2008 12:23 AM

I remember way back not to long ago as a small little chitlen, Teh whole "weird" side of my family came over for Thanksgiven. Of course I was there. We were having the good old fashion "everyone sit down at teh table hoo-ha. I wanted something that was in the middle of the table and being a small chold noone paid any heed to my pleading calls of help. So I stood up in my chair and stepped onto the table where as it would seem was not as stable as one would think. Noticing it was strangely sinking below me, I let out a howl of surprise. Only for thanksgiven dinner to flip on top of me and everyone sitting next to me as the table came crashing down.

Is that when the severe brain damage occured or is that a story you're saving for Christmas?

TableTopJane 173,958 15
11/13/2008 03:50 AM

Just a guess here, Farting Frank, but English isn't your first language, is it?

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
11/13/2008 01:36 PM

OMG!  Could HelloClarice BE any more of a Captain Obvious?

helloclarice 17 10
11/13/2008 01:46 PM

OMG!  Could HelloClarice BE any more of a Captain Obvious?

Um...I was making a stupid comment about Dinesh's stupid post. Idiot.

Autra is Still a Dude 10,560 11
11/13/2008 01:54 PM

Um...I was making a stupid comment about Dinesh's stupid post. Idiot.

Yeah, meanie-face.

Now, if you need me, I'll be over in the corner with my blankie, sucking my thumb.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
11/13/2008 02:20 PM

I was making an stupid obvious comment telling everyone what they already knew about Dinesh's stupid rather amusing post. Idiot  My Lord and Master.  May I blow you now.

Fixed.

Your What Hurts? 5,582 10
11/13/2008 04:39 PM

It's threads like these that really point out the stupidity of sorting the posts by zugs.  Whistler's first post made no sense, until I got all the way to the bottom.

Gosh, this is dumb.

Millie 116,988 28
11/13/2008 09:04 PM

My brother invites the entire family to his and his girlfriend (Dee)'s tiny house. It turns out he didn't tell his girlfriend until the day before. All day, she keeps making snide remarks and snapping at everyone, while doing most of the work and refusing any help.

 

My brother mostly lays on the couch drinking beer with my alcoholic dad (who has ruined just about every holiday with a drunken tirade).

There are 11 adults and one baby in a 15' x 20' space.

 

Dee's crazy mother makes whipped potatoes that she keeps raving about. My younger sister, trying to help, sees the bowl of potatoes in the kitchen and notices they’re cold, and puts them in the microwave. As we sit to eat, Dee's mother insists on serving everyone her potatoes. "They're soupy!" she screams, looking around the table. "Did someone put them in the microwave? Who put them in the microwave!?!?!?" My sister meekly admits to it. Dee's mother (who has never met my sister before) berates her for several minutes, while the rest of us look on, aghast.

At dinner, my drunk brother and father bring up turning off life support and capital punishment, respectively; two topics sure to cause arguments. They do.

Dee, her mother and sister leave the table in the middle of dinner without excusing themselves and go upstairs until we leave.

The next Monday, my boss asks my brother (who work in the same office) how it went. My brother says "great!" He isn’t joking. Idiot.

The next year, my husband and I don’t go anywhere. We eat popcorn and toast--the only food in the house (just like on that Peanuts special). Still, it’s a much better holiday than the previous year.

helloclarice 17 10
11/13/2008 11:03 PM

I was making an stupid obvious comment telling everyone what they already knew about Dinesh's stupid rather amusing post. Idiot  My Lord and Master.  May I blow you now.

Fixed.

I hate you. Betch.  Keep your hands off my posts!

Magnum P.I.quantrax 972 10
11/14/2008 04:05 AM

Last year, I had the extreme pleasure of leaving freezing Boston and flying to our new home here in Austin, TX where football is paramount to anything. So we go to a movie theater to watch the UT vs. A&M game. They serve food and booze there so my father and I decide why not start drinking now, before we're too disappointed.

So after 3 hours of drinking we make our way home for a pre-meal nap. I sleep on the couch. I wake up. I go down stairs. I have to piss, but the bathroom by my bedroom is being used. I open the door. I see doughy flesh.

That's so Ravos 63,472 21
11/14/2008 08:17 AM

I hate you. Betch.  Keep your hands off my posts!

It's alright, we hate you too...betch?

Goth Bunnyy 19 7
11/17/2008 11:58 AM

Thanksgiving at my house is never normal – I do sort of an ‘orphan’ thanksgiving for those in town for an annual event. One year one of my costumers brings her new husband. This guy is a nut job . . but we are all too polite to say anything at the dinner table. 

We are the type of crowd who constantly makes jokes, and toss our rude, of not borderline x-rated comments but this dude Does Not Get IT.  His timing is off, and he always goes that one step too far.  But he is the spouse of a dear friend, so we all just try to ignore him.

Did I mention Mr. Amazing was wearing leather, let’s call them harness, pants and lace-up shirt . . just not laced, so it was open almost to his navel. I mean he looked fine, but there is a time and a place. Meeting new people for a holiday dinner is neither. (It’s not a formal dinner, jeans and t-shirts are cool, but bondage/club attire is pushing it, to say the least.)

Let’s just say it was the most awkward dinner ever. And that weekend was a disaster . . . he hit on anything that moved, and by Sunday, my costumer ended was spending the night at my place. Divorce was soon to follow.

syncope 49,019 14
11/17/2008 03:07 PM

Last year I took my girlfriend home to St. Louis for Thanksgiving knowing that my parents were in the middle of getting divorced.  If you asked them about it individually, they would admit that yes, they were having some troubles and it looked like a divorce was imminent.  But any time more than one other person was in the room they put on this weird united front of "everything's fine, everything is just fan-Frost-ing-tastic."

My dad picked us up from the airport and took us back to the house for what I thought was a big family gathering of all my aunts and uncles and cousins.  Instead it was my mom and dad.  My sister had already bolted.

My dad showed us the golden-orange spicy cajun turkey he had prepared, complete with mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, and yams.  We were about to dig in when my mom turned our attention to the other side of the kitchen, where she had prepared a "more traditional" turkey...complete with mashed potatoes, creamed corn, sweet potatoes, and stuffing.  They each had made pumpkin pies as well.

After what could only be described as an "awkward" dinner, I carefully set my fork down, announced that I loved both turkeys equally, no matter what happened, and I knew that both turkeys loved me and that this was not my fault.  Then I went to my old room and cried.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
11/17/2008 04:26 PM

When I was eight years old, I was accidentally left behind when my family took off for a vacation in France over Christmas Thanksgiving. Once I realized they left me home alone, I gourged myself on icecream and watched "R" rated movies and learned to be independent. Christmas Eve Thanksgiving night came and I was forced to protect my house against some bumbling burglars. My mother was frantic when she realized that she and the family had unintentionally left me behind in Chicago, and she hitched a ride with a polka band player and made it home the next morning.

The same thing happened the following year, except they left me in New York and I almost got penetrated by a homeless transgender in an abandoned apartment complex. I am not sure why I didn't call childrens services in retrospect. My bad! 

Bean 8,602 19
11/17/2008 05:25 PM

My worst Thanksgiving memory is pretty much any Thanksgiving for the last 3-4 years.  My mom married her current husband about 8 years ago but for the first few years, much to my delight, his daughter did not usually participate in our family gatherings.  His daughter is perpetually battling one ailment or another, including, but not limited to carpal tunnel syndrome, hip/knee/back problems, colds and/or various flus, amongst other things.  As far as the carpal tunnel, she claims that when she actually HAD SURGERY, the surgery didn't work.  Um.  Problem with that.  When you have the surgery, they cut the part that causes the pain, therefore it is no longer connected to cause the pain.  It can't just "not work."  Because of these supposed ailments, she "can't work."  She sits on her fat lazy inflicted ass and whines.  The very first time I met her must have been only for a minute or two because the next time I saw her I had no idea who she was.  I think this was my mind's way of protecting me from the awful truth that we're "related."  The second time I saw her, unfortunately she saw me first.  I was at a group function at a local park, and she happened to be there the same day.  I was standing near a bench that she was sitting on, and all I heard was "MY SISTER!!!!" several times before I realized somebody might be referring to me.  Ever since then, whenever she sees me, or my REAL sister, anywhere, she will exclaim "my sister!" even though neither of us claims her, or is even especially friendly to her.  She is very dramatic at the slightest nicety, going so far as to rant and rave over something as simple as a greeting card, and will go on and on about how sweet that is and thank them repeatedly, and does so in the same way a normal person might if the giver had paid off a car for the recipient.

(cont.)

Bean 8,602 19
11/17/2008 05:26 PM

She is also married to a medical marijuana-card-toting lazy ass. He has had jobs in the past, but has gotten fired more than once for stealing. But now, he is legally disabled because he got hit by a car. A couple years ago, they had to leave almost immediately after dinner because he had hemmorhoid surgery and needed to take a crap, therefore needed to take a bath after the deed. Thank God for hemmorhoid surgery. If not for that, they may have stayed longer.

They have a teenaged daughter who, last I heard, was working TWO fast food jobs in addition to attending high school, and her paychecks went to support the family.

Their other child is a teenaged boy with serious mental issues. He is probably about 14 or 15 and has the brain of a 8 or 9 year old. He's very creepy, and always has to hug everybody when he leaves. He gives the kind of hugs that make you think he's a preppy teenaged girl who doesn't really want to touch you, because you can barely feel it when he does. The same boy was charged with sexually assaulting a child, but was let off because of his mental capacity, or lack thereof.

I have given my sister and her family explicit instructions to HOG my baby at Thanksgiving, and hopefully avoid any holding/touching/breathing on my precious little bundle by this group of less than desirables. My mother, bless her, is not too impressed with this part of the family either, but is painfully sweet to them at all family functions, and therefore I am not sure she will be as helpful with the baby hogging.

Taco Murderface Murderface 61,976 36
11/17/2008 10:59 PM

A couple years back I agreed to spend Thanksgiving with my grandparents in Washington DC.  I was expecting a calm, laid back weekend, but I expected wrong.  Unbeknownst to me (but knownst to everyone else), my grandparents were planning on having Thanksiving with my aunt 's(married to my biological uncle) parents as well as my aunt and uncle.  They're all nice people, but it was a big crowd in a tiny house.  My aunt's father called me the wrong name the whole time.  I never corrected him because I wanted to be polite, but in the end it came back to bite me in the ass because now my aunt and uncle call me by the wrong name just to pick on me.

Frost-ing old people.

Bean 8,602 19
11/18/2008 06:43 PM

One year I traveled to California with my dad for Thanksgiving.  I had never spent Thanksgiving HIS side of the family so I was excited.  When we arrived on the big day, I was very much anticipating the Thanksgiving feast that my family enjoys annually.  Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, the works, and always enough leftovers for everybody to take some home to nibble on later.  My excitement fizzled though, when the "feast" turned out to be nothing more than tamale pie.  Apparently tamale pie was a perfect Thanksgiving dinner on his side of the family, and they always had that for Thanksgiving.  No wonder I don't claim any of them anymore.