As I drove to the firey gates of what some people call an office, I had the good fortune of driving behind one of our species' more developmentally challenged members. I was particularly lucky that his trailer/home was not hitched to the car, as it gave me an opportunity to read the literature that he had painstakingly applied.

Ordinarily I lose respect for people who have bumper stickers on their car - the jokes are old, we have all read them before and I could not care less what sports team some stranger supports. I do like the little fish stickers though, they help me decide who to weave in front of in traffic.

Today, however,  I saw a combination of bumper stickers that (due simply to the lack of continuity, or possibly even more frightening the intended continuity) made me laugh out loud. On the left hand side this gentleman's car was a sticker that said "Bring back the Death Penalty!", translated into Afrikaans below it.

Now this is quite a contentious issue in my country at the moment and my mind immediately pigeonholed this man as a slightly backward individual, but not really capable of doing much harm... It was only until I read the sticker on the right hand side that I re-evaluated the situation and decided to high tail it out of there.

It was an animal rights type sticker that simply read "If you kill it, you MUST eat it"

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/25/2008 08:42 AM

Watch out for the people on the road with a Jesus fish on their car.  They know where they're going and they're not afraid of taking you with them.

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/25/2008 08:43 AM

"If you kill it, you MUST eat it"

Never. Masturbating. Again.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
11/25/2008 10:27 AM

I don't mind seeing bumper stickers supporting political candidates, but once the election is over, win or lose, scrape them off.  It's kind of pathetic if you still have a Dukakis sticker on your Chevy Citation.  The Obama campaign had the good thought of making them magnets instead of stickers, which helps save the paint job on your Prius.

That being said, I hate stickers that denigrate the opposing candidate instead of supporting yours.  Those really ought to be scraped off after the election.  Otherwise, you risk reverse mockery.  Yesterday, I passed a rusted out old pickup truck with a "Nobama" sticker on the back.  Did I point and laugh at the angry old man driving it?  Yes.  Did he spit tobacco juice out the window at my car?  Yes again.

Bill T. Squirrel 53,270 54
11/25/2008 10:29 AM

My favorite bumper sticker to this day will always be the one that read:

"God was my co-pilot, but, we crashed in a snowstorm and I had to eat him."

TomServo 3,759 7
11/26/2008 09:08 AM

"My other car has not been vandalised with stickers"

Bonky 75,733 15
11/26/2008 09:36 AM

I prefer to call them Bonky stickers. Here are some of mine:



I AM DRIVING A CAR!

Nullum Magnum Ingenium Sine Mixtura Dementiae Fuit. (This pisses off the smarty pants.)

I live Vanilla Pudding.

My eyes are up here, buddy.

MY PUPPY BRAKES FOR HONOR ROLL OTHER CARS

Bonky 75,733 15
11/26/2008 09:37 AM

Uh . . . live  like.

Then again...

Phuc 237,919 21
11/26/2008 01:34 PM

Bumper stickers should be used as a fool-proof indicator to invading aliens that humans should be wiped off the face of the planet and that those with the stickers should be reserved for anal probing and death by paper cut.

A bumper sticker is either a stupid joke, a one-sided argument from someone who's too much of a Poe to discuss such things in person, or a declaration of something obnoxious enough that you are willing to mar the finish on your brand new Kia to express it.

The next time you see someone with a bumper sticker on their car, run them off the road, set their car on fire, return to collect the ashes, mix the ashes in with ground chuck, feed the chuck to starving rottweilers, collect the rottweilers' feces, put it in paper bags, put the paper bags on the doorsteps of child rapists, light the bags on fire, ring the doorbell, then run, then after the bags have been stomped out, throw the contents into the window of the next car you see with a bumper sticker. Repeat.

Fratberry 283,028 53
11/26/2008 01:48 PM

Dude, you have really got to get out of the sticks.

The Mailman 176,464 56
11/26/2008 02:05 PM

A bumper sticker is either a stupid joke, a one-sided argument from someone who's too much of a Poe to discuss such things in person, or a declaration of something obnoxious enough that you are willing to mar the finish on your brand new Kia to express it.



I have a bumper sticker that says exactly that!

SquidBoy 19,912 12
11/26/2008 02:33 PM

It's kind of pathetic if you still have a Dukakis sticker on your Chevy Citation. 

This works, too.

That's so Ravos 63,472 21
11/26/2008 02:55 PM

I heard in order to deal with bumper sticker owners, you have to put a wooden steak through their heart, cut off their head, separate the head & bodies into two seperate piles, pour holy water on them, then light the piles on fire and wait for sunrise.

Sarin - Sheep Man 699 11
11/27/2008 11:03 AM

Anyone ever notice that the cars with the "Baby on board" stickers, there is rarely a baby on board?



If by some chance I should have to change my driving habbits around you because of your goddamned sticker. Frost you self richeous punks.

Bean 8,602 19
11/27/2008 11:47 AM

I don't know if it's everywhere else, but in my town there is a "fad" where people go to a sign store and purchase those professional window stickers that you might see on a business vehicle.  Only these people are purchasing stickers "in memory of" a lost loved one.  Is this just my hokey small town or are these everywhere?  I often wonder ... WHAT is "in memory of" the lost loved one?  The car?  You used the dead guy as an excuse to  purchased a new car in memory of the dead guy?  Or the sticker?  You only thought enough of them to buy a stupid sticker to put on your window?  Or is it for sympathy?  You want everybody to be nice to you, so you put a sticker on your window so all of the passers-by will sigh and think "that poor soul, losing a loved one like that".  WTH?

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
11/27/2008 12:14 PM

I've never seen that around here bean, but if it was popular, I would totally get one that says "In memory of your mom" or "I lost my memory."

memory.  memory.

This no longer sounds like a real word to me.  Do you pronounce it with 2 syllables or 3?

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
11/27/2008 12:52 PM

In the Bronx, they seem to just write it on the back window in white shoe polish or something:

R.I.P. Bobby Raye 1991 - 2008 aka Baddz Rapperz

Slightly unrelatedly is the description of a Puerto Rican flag in the Bronx:

"Five equal horizontal bands of red alternating with white with a blue isosceles triangle based on the hoist side bearing a large, white, five-pointed star in the center, with a car hood attached to the underside."

Millie 116,988 28
11/27/2008 10:04 PM

I've seen those, Bean.  They are kind of weird.



I have bumper stickers on my car.  People give me the finger sometimes.  One guy was shaking his head at me yesterday.  Whatever--my guy won.

TomServo 3,759 7
11/28/2008 01:49 AM

If by some chance I should have to change my driving habbits around you because of your goddamned sticker. Frost you self richeous punks.

Yeah I like George Carlin too.

Frogpop 173,153 25
11/28/2008 05:34 AM

It's kind of pathetic if you still have a Dukakis sticker on your Chevy Citation. 

On the other hand, if you have it on, say, your main line battle tank, then it's delightfully whimsical. Any way John could ship a few cases over to Foye?

nathyn2 0 4
11/28/2008 06:28 AM

why not?

Choche 215 7
11/29/2008 09:27 PM

The first bumper sticker was to cover the rust spot on the bumper. Now my whole car is covered in those damn stickers. Ever seen a 30 year old car without any rust?

Phuc 237,919 21
11/30/2008 10:17 AM

Shakespeare.

My first car was a Chevy Citation.

I lose.

Bill T. Squirrel 53,270 54
11/30/2008 10:38 AM

 You lose? My last car before my new one was a Chevy Citation. I lose more.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
12/01/2008 07:42 AM

Also, your baby is dead.  I think you win, Squirrel.

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/01/2008 09:22 AM

My bumper sticker says: I Frosted your honor student.

Straw la la la la la la la la 98,019 37
12/01/2008 09:12 PM

I have a window sticker that says Starfleet Academy and a magnet on my trunk advertising a local mom group.  This means, of course, that I'm a hot nerd milf.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thud 68,506 19
12/01/2008 09:31 PM

I used to have a "Cthulhu for President" bumpersticker on my old Caddy.  Good for pissing off the ultra-religious yahoos where I work.

I miss that car.  Yes, more than I miss the bumpersticker.

Chi Chi Felipe 161,353 14
12/01/2008 10:39 PM

Bumper stickers are awesome, because you know instantly what kind of person you're dealing with: a person who sucks.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
12/01/2008 11:20 PM

If I was following Straw, I would rear-end her just to get into her glove box.