ZUG Live
Comedy ArticleCHRISTMAS ARTICLE: Christmas Bingo Part 2
Millie
12/16/2008 04:37 AM(In Part 1, my sisters and I tried to find a way to deal with our other sister's annoying behavior during Christmas reunions.)
We came up with the idea of a bingo game. We thought about all the things that pushed our buttons, and listed them. I made a five by five grid on my computer and made three cards that had the items randomly mixed.
The day before, one of my sisters had misgivings. She was afraid somehow my oldest sister would find one of the bingo cards. We agreed that we could not allow the bingo cards to be seen by anyone but us.
A recreation of the bingo card. This one is more detailed; the original was in a kind of sibling shorthand.
When I arrived at my parents’ house, I slipped each sister her piece of paper and we all put them in our front pockets. And waited.
It didn’t take long.
She asked someone if they liked her new haircut. For the third time. One of her irksome habits is to repeat things many times. So, we decided if she said something three times like, "Don’t you just love this new haircut? I love my new haircut!" we would mark the card.
Same with her shirt, pants, shoes, whatever. Each item on the card was something that she had to do at least three times, just to be fair. I mean, everyone can say or do something douche-y once -- maybe even twice. But three times proves it is truly superdouche-y.
She asked if anyone wanted to go to midnight mass with her. She does this every year, and every year she never gets ready on time and makes everyone so late we have to stand in the back. But she still asks the room at large, repeatedly; in a whiny baby voice.
She complained about the food my parents had. She does this every year, also. She rarely buys any food herself, but will go to the store with my mother (usually an expensive store like Whole Foods) and force my mother to buy a bunch of stuff my parents never eat.
She complained about her sleeping accommodations. Although she doesn’t like the bed in the guest room, that doesn’t prevent her from overstaying her welcome by a week or two. (Her job allows her to take several weeks off in the winter.)
She got hurt feelings and reminded us that she travels across the country every year and no one appreciates it.
She demeaned my mother and made fun of something she said.
She nagged my father about the number of beers he’d consumed.
Each time, I slipped into the bathroom and marked my card. YES! Only one more thing. Now, if she’ll only try to force someone to eat something she cooked and nag them incessantly if they don’t try it, I’d have BINGO! Usually my poor husband was the one who got this treatment, as she often "forgot" he was a vegetarian, and would try to make him eat something with meat.
Dad enjoying the Yankee Swap, probably after "too many beers".
Sadly, for me, she refrained from the last thing. I never got BINGO. Neither did either of my sisters. We had to abandon our game after that Christmas, because my two sisters felt too guilty about it and thought we had acted like horrible people.
But, honestly, it was the most fun Christmas we’d had in a long time.
Oh, and the next day, when we exchanged gifts, I opened a box with a beautiful set of earrings. After reminding me that they "weren’t cheap," she said, "I actually bought you a top that matched those earrings perfectly, but it only just fit me, so I knew it would be way too small for you. So I kept it for myself."
What else could I do but smile and mentally mark my card?
Don't we look like we're having fun?
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Test Tube Baby
12/16/2008 01:14 AMHow about playing Pin The Tail On The Donkey everytime your sister demonstrates such ridiculous behavior. Her Emerson will never be the same
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Millie
12/16/2008 01:16 AMLook, if you are going to Frost up my thread with your inane posts, the least you can do is give me some Zugz.
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Test Tube Baby
12/16/2008 01:22 AMZugz given
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Jingle Bell Jeens
12/16/2008 02:33 AMYou don't want your older sister to see the bingo card, so you tuck it in your pocket, and post it on the internet. Good plan!
(Sounds like a fun game, hehehe!)
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John Hargrave
12/16/2008 04:42 AMBrilliant story, Millie. I've added it to the ZUG homepage.
Current score in this month's contest is Christians 128, Jews 70. Millie's representin for the Christians!
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Ravos the red-nosed GABber
12/16/2008 08:16 AMWhat else could I do but smile and mentally mark my card?
You coulda stabbed her with the earrings and said "There, now you match."
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Under a Crazed Wal-Mart Crowd
12/16/2008 08:44 AMI 5-orbed you Millie*, because I cannot freakin believe you made BINGO cards! That is just beyond awesome.
*Don't tell Spicey.
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BillSalamie
12/16/2008 09:38 AMNice job Millie.
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Chance under the mistletoe
12/16/2008 10:08 AMI freaking LOVE BINGO! Seriously. Im a weirdo. SHUT UP!
Awesome Millie.
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Millie
12/16/2008 10:09 AMThe chance my sister finds this site is very slim. I doubt someone with no sense of humor is going to go on a comedy site. However, if by some wild chance, she does, whatever. She'll probably just never speak to me again. I can deal with that.
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Jesus Hussein Whistler Christ
12/16/2008 10:51 AMDang, I loves me some Millie. I can see this article as a movie. It's wonderful. Thanks, Millie.
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Chance under the mistletoe
12/16/2008 10:53 AMIt's a wonderful life?
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Professor Nutbutter
12/17/2008 01:49 PM...Acts really angry.
YES!
...Complains about another user.
AWESOME!
...Displays bitterness.
YEAH, BABY!
...does something passive-aggressive towards a family member.
SCORE!
Excellent! All I need now is "Makes overt sexual advances towards Nutbutter" and this Millie Bingo game is all mine!
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Millie
12/17/2008 05:31 PMHey, Nutbutter, do you have a square that says "Kicks Nutbutter in the balls?"
If not, you may want to add that one.
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GrammarNazi
12/18/2008 10:27 AMI doubt someone with no sense of humor is going to go on a comedy site.
And yet, here I am.
Great story, Millie. Thanks for sharing!
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Spicey McHaggis
12/19/2008 03:19 PMJohn posted this in another thread:
would like to point out to everyone that this article is now in the lead for the $250 Funniest Holiday Article because of all your highly-clicked posts telling her how unfunny it is.
So I'm posting here because I think Millie deserves to win (although if anyone wants to post funny stuff in my thread, I won't complain).
Of course, I hope John is joking because judging an article based on the comments that people make about it is retarded. The article should get judged on its own merits. Someone shouldn't win because everyone else is being funny unless that it is clear in the contest rules that that's the way it's going to work (like the Viagra Challenge contest).
While I'm complaining, I also don't think that the comments in article and link threads should be sorted by funny. It makes sense in challenge and capcon threads, but the articles and links should be the focus for those thread types. We still want to be ranked for our individual funny, but why mess up the conversation flow when it's not necessary?
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Test Tube Baby
12/19/2008 03:34 PMCongratulations Millie on the article. I bow to thee.
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Spamurai Snork
12/20/2008 09:03 AMThat article left an uncomfortable feeling inside and yet was funny at the same time.
Well done indeed!
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Straw la la la la la la la la
12/20/2008 09:15 AMSpicey, I hope you aren't suggesting that we should find the article that we think deserves to win and give everyone that posted in the thread five zugz. Because that wasn't at all why I came into this thread. I simply came in here to see if I had remembered to post giving Millie praise for such a funny article.
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Straw la la la la la la la la
12/20/2008 09:18 AMMillie, awesome article! Whenever I see that you've started a thread, I always go "yay" because I love your stories. And this one was a nice, long one. It's like getting a jumbo-sized cookie from you.
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Frogpop
12/20/2008 11:38 PMCongratulations Millie! (and christianity!)
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Rockin Rotty
12/22/2008 03:33 PMAaah.... the one & only family member everyone would love to kick in the hiney, until their eyeballs exploded.
But alas, we sit here, bare it, & practically bite our tongues completely in half, just to keep the peace.
Gota love those kodack moments! LOL!
Great article, Millie! There's always next year!
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Fezig - the other Mike Rowe
01/02/2009 08:41 AMMillie,
This article was so worth 5 Orbs...dealing with relatives can be the biggest pain in the arse. Creating a bingo card based on your sister's annoyances self absorption - priceless. I can only imagine how much fun it must have waiting for her to say something stupid and then getting to mark that off on your card.
I may have missed this but, was there a prize for the first person who got bingo?
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Mr Crabs
01/02/2009 03:34 PMFunny as a cry for help.
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Millie
01/02/2009 08:09 PMFezig, I do not believe we decided on a prize. I think we were just thinking it would be fun to win. If anything, it would have been the other two buying drinks the next time we went out together.
I'm not sure we thought it through to what would happen if any of us got bingo.
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Your What?! Hurts?
01/02/2009 09:12 PMFunny as a cry for help.
Not as funny as if you were the one doing the crying. That'd be freaking hilarious. Especially if they were your drowning cries. That'd be 5 orbs, for sure.
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AnonTalk
01/17/2009 05:12 PMFrost the /b/tards head to www.anontalk.com
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Deck the Pram
01/17/2009 09:40 PMFrost-ing A Christ! (or several) Millie's sister sounds just like my bitchy ex girlfriend!
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Millie
01/17/2009 10:40 PMIs your ex 48 years old?
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