Don't get me wrong, I love buying presents for people and I love giving presents to people; however, I don't really like getting them in return. Sounds a little weird maybe, but let me explain. No one gets me a sincere gift. I either picked it out, or someone just didn't care and decided to get me anything they wanted. If I do get something I like (usually from my mother), it comes at a high emotional cost and gets lauded over my head. I actually did this to her last year and she snapped at me for it. I just happened to give her a taste of her own medicine for a whole year's worth of crap. But she topped me as I'll go into.

Last year, I bought my mother a vintage, rabbit fur 3/4 coat. Now I'm certain that it wouldn't be a lot of money for some of you, but I'm a single working mom in NYC and I get no child support from my son's father... so it's a feat. I was so happy I got it for her because she had been talking about how she really wanted one and they were so much money. Well 2 days before Christmas, she decides to sit me down for a "talk" and proceeds to tell me that I'm a lousy mother and I'm too hard on my son. This coming from the woman that basically ignored me most of my childhood and constantly told me there was no money for me for basic things like decent clothes and shoes, but there was always money for my little brother's video games and my older sister's musical intruments. And constantly told me growing up that it was up to me to do well in life so I can take care of her. Oh I also had to either go to college or pay rent, but I had to pay for college myself with no help for books and what not. But that's a whole other story...

Last year my sister bought me a cashmiere sweater because I had to just have one, but she bought me a turtleneck in red (at least it's my favorite color) in a size medium, she knew I needed a large in the least, but she picked up the wrong size and said "hey it looked like it would fit you". Oddly enough, it didn't fit her and she's smaller than me... my family is weird. She also bought me a pair of high waisted bootcut pants. I don't wear high waisted pants and I certainly don't wear bootcut (straightleg, wide leg, trouser leg, or flare only). She knows this as I have complained many times about bootcut pants. So she basically bought clothes for herself. She then sent me the gift reciept 3 weeks later when I no longer cared about exchanging it. I wore the pants out of deparation twice and gave them away. The sweater I gave to my mother, because what the hell it WAS Christmas and I should be nice right?

One year, an aunt (dad's sister... one of them) of mine bought me gloves that my father fit into. This same aunt also bought me a turtleneck shirt from Kmart for 99 cents and gave one to me and one to my sister. I immediately handed it off to my sister. I hate turtlenecks and I will certainly not wear a Christmas themed shirt ever... even as a kid. A week after Christmas we went to Kmart and found those same darn shirts for 59 cents. I begged my mom to buy some to give to my aunt for next Christmas and repay the favor, but she said no. I guess for a 12 year old to say that it was kind of mean. Didn't stop her from snickering when I suggested it.

For three years straight as a child, my grandmother (dad's mom) bought me the same cheap ass barbie doll for Easter, my birthday and Christmas. Hoy many discount "Swimsuit Barbies" can one girl have? Oh that same aunt that I mentioned also bought me the ugliest NKOTB doll and gave my cousin the one I liked and gave me Donny. I immediately hid it and gave it to a little girl a year later. Sorry Donny looked like the smelly NKOTB to me and I never really liked them either, I just said it so other girls my age would get off my case. Even as a 10 year old I knew that Pink Floyd and those other awesome groups kicked ass.

My sister also chrocheted me a lovely hat and gloves one year. If by lovely I mean absolutely horrible and made me and the child in my womb cry in terror.

One year a boyfriend got a beanbag chair for Christmas instead of the silver ring I wanted. Both cost the same.

I can go on and on and on, but I think you get the picture. I get into it because I like to give to people and I love to see them happy, but I don't really get it in return so the holiday are kind of moot for me. Luckily, my son is the only joy I need... but once I ship him off to military school I might be sad again.

The Mailman 176,464 56
12/17/2008 10:07 AM

Repeat after me: "ZUG.com, not LiveJournal."

Jingle Squirrel 53,270 54
12/17/2008 10:24 AM

And Chance is going to kick your ass if you talk any more Shakespeare about her NKOTB.

Santa Hurt Your What?! 5,582 10
12/17/2008 10:30 AM

Have you considered suicide?  It'll make these "problems" go away.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 10:37 AM

I don't "live journal". Everyone I've told this too happens to find my dysfunction funny. And by the way, my therapist thinks I'm just telling stories...

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 10:38 AM

I haven't considered suicide. I have considered mass-murder though. :)

Shell Belle 77,143 25
12/17/2008 10:40 AM

Pardon me for saying so, but you sound like an ungrateful bitch. And a whiner.

Santa Hurt Your What?! 5,582 10
12/17/2008 10:46 AM

Everyone I've told this too happens to find my dysfunction funny.

You keep using this word, "Everyone". I do not think it means what you think it means.

The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
12/17/2008 11:14 AM

I didn't read the first post.  Long blocks of text are annoying.

But I was wondering, does anyone actually enjoy non-alcohol egg nog?

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/17/2008 11:21 AM

I skimmed, and I do not like what I saw. YOU ARE A BITCH! I HATE YOU! NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY NKOTB!

I will never like you now. You might as well find another place to unleash your rage.

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/17/2008 11:22 AM

Except for the BIG drunk guy.

Whoa! Welcome home dick face!

The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
12/17/2008 11:47 AM

Thought I would drop by and see everyone...

and the echo from your vagina is louder than ever.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 11:49 AM

Sorry you don't like me. You'll have to get in line on that one. I also don't like BackStreet Boys or NSYNC, PoeCat Dolls, Dainty Kane, Cheetah Girls, Miley Cirus... On the fence about the Jonas Brothers.

Rage is sooo 90's :)

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/17/2008 11:51 AM

Jonas Brothers? What are you 10?

The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
12/17/2008 11:52 AM

You're on the fence about the Jonas Brothers?

Seriously, shouldn't you get back to 7th period biology.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
12/17/2008 11:59 AM

Are we at the point where Danielle tells us she got pregnant by having drunk sex, or will that be coming in a subsequent thread?

Ravos the red-nosed GABber 63,472 21
12/17/2008 12:10 PM

Wow, I like, so totally understand where you're coming from! It's like, "Why am I getting these Shakespearety gifts, when other children get nothing? I am so unfortunate."

And I like, totally hate turtlenecks too. It's like we're related!

<@:-)

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 12:35 PM

If the gift isn't sincere I just don't want it. It could be a bad gift and be sincere and I would love it because there was thought put into it. The first line of this was I like to buy and give but I don't like to recieve.

So shoot me if I wanted to share something that everyone I know has told me is funny and it's not like I only know a handful of people. Sorry you don't think it's funny. Sorry you think I'm a bitch. Sorry you think I should go kill myself. It's different when you go from verbal to written, and it's the first time I posted something. Give me pointers, don't tell me to go commit suicide.

I don't go insulting what everyone else writes, even when it's bad... Or is that the point of it all?

Sen. Midgets, highest bidder. 96,123 48
12/17/2008 12:46 PM

 <i>Give me pointers, don't tell me to go commit suicide.</i>

1) Bodily functions  make any story funnier. As do alcohol, rape, and small mammals.

2) Don't get defensive, the regulars don't like it and they know where you live.

3) You have a child therefore your breasts are probably saggy. We want to see them anyway.

4) Begins with S..

Sen. Midgets, highest bidder. 96,123 48
12/17/2008 12:47 PM

And don't Frost up your HTML.

Millie 116,988 28
12/17/2008 01:00 PM

Sorry Donny looked like the smelly NKOTB to me and I never really liked them either...



That made me laugh so I gave some clickies.



Danielle, don't take it personally.  This is a comedy site--assume people are joking.

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/17/2008 01:32 PM

Dude, I am totally not joking.

BillSalamie 67,057 13
12/17/2008 01:34 PM

: (

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/17/2008 01:43 PM

and it's the first time I posted something.

Now you're just a liar, you posted in November.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 02:39 PM

I posted a comment. Not an actual story. So no I am not a liar. Ok so I have to be mean too as that is the program. Ok I can so that.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 02:40 PM

However, for some reason today I cannot spell.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 02:47 PM

Millie, I read about Christmas Bingo. I was on the floor with that one. If I actually got along well enough with any of my siblings I would totally do that. But I would slip the bingo slip in the annoying sibling's suitcase after the game was over.

BillSalamie 67,057 13
12/17/2008 02:48 PM

:)

Jingle Squirrel 53,270 54
12/17/2008 02:59 PM

Sorry you don't like me. You'll have to get in line on that one. I also don't like BackStreet Boys or NSYNC, PoeCat Dolls, Dainty Kane, Cheetah Girls, Miley Cirus... On the fence about the Jonas Brothers

Are you out of your Frost-ing mind?

They could sing like Daffy Duck and I'd still watch their videos.

Ravos the red-nosed GABber 63,472 21
12/17/2008 03:24 PM

it's not like I only know a handful of people.

You're absolutely right. 2 people doesn't count as a handful.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
12/17/2008 03:28 PM

On behalf of everyone, I would like to offer you a warm welcome to Zug Live.

Thud 68,506 19
12/17/2008 03:32 PM

I concur with at least one opinion expressed in this thread.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/17/2008 03:35 PM

I stopped listening to radio because they played only those groups all day.

reindeerfart 4,871 6
12/17/2008 03:42 PM

if you apply that theory at work and stop breathing, you won't smell that Shakespearebum anymore.

Jingle Bell Jeens 47,795 51
12/17/2008 04:02 PM

Well, I'm posting this message in the correct thread now. Sorry to those of you who read through it twice:

For you, Danielle. Just tell people you're trying to get back to the real spirit of Christmas.

You seem to enjoy bitching about your disfunctional family. If you make this work, you won't have anything more to bitch about. Also, you won't have to pay for therapy. Difficult choice, I'm sure.

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/17/2008 04:09 PM

Hello Jeeni and welcome to the "How to be a bitch" club. I will be your instructor.

Jingle Bell Jeens 47,795 51
12/17/2008 04:18 PM

You give me that diploma, bitch!

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
12/17/2008 04:19 PM

Chance is also the instructor of the "Panty skidmarks 101" and "How to take on 15 sailors and still play KoL with your free hand."

Robin® 14,626 10
12/17/2008 04:59 PM

Tell me Dani, do you poison puppies too? So much discontent, no wonder no one gives you anything nice, you're going to bitch about it anyway.

Thud 68,506 19
12/17/2008 05:14 PM

Hi Robin, how are you doing?

Thud 68,506 19
12/17/2008 05:56 PM

Hi Jeeni, what's up?

John Hargrave 128,751 73
12/19/2008 04:24 AM

I would like to point out to everyone that this article is now in the lead for the $250 Funniest Holiday Article because of all your highly-clicked posts telling her how unfunny it is.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
12/19/2008 08:26 AM

Danielle,

How terrible for you.

On the other hand, did I mention that my Secret Santa this year is the awesome Nutbutter and that he sent me a DVD of a midget western and an amazing flying helicopter?

Yeah, good times.

TimmyTheTalkingToilet 11,593 15
12/19/2008 08:32 AM

God forbid, that anybody gets you something for Christmas, something that you don't have to pay for and all.

Yeah some presents suck, but it's better than nothing.

And yeah this thread is probibly better than if I posted about last friday when I pulled a gun on a friend of mine who showed up in the middle of the night.

Chance under the mistletoe 171,275 14
12/19/2008 08:33 AM

Oh Good luck Danielle! I'm not a fan of yours but its awesome that a no0b can come here and write an article and be in the top running to win the Christmas contest! Exciting!

Test Tube Baby 828 5
12/19/2008 12:29 PM

Forget it Chance

Danni is probably not going to take her toys and go home. 

Just saying.

Ravos the red-nosed GABber 63,472 21
12/19/2008 02:15 PM

Danni is probably not going to take her toys and go home.

Wait, she has toys and isn't sharing?

That Frost-ing Carroll!

Test Tube Baby 828 5
12/19/2008 03:41 PM

New Yawkers are selfish that way about their toys.

I'm told.

Ravos the red-nosed GABber 63,472 21
12/19/2008 07:10 PM

I bet you she has Bratz too!

Test Tube Baby 828 5
12/19/2008 07:24 PM

Bratz made to look like Emu kids.

Ravos the red-nosed GABber 63,472 21
12/19/2008 10:14 PM

Emu kid?

Phla: 4 out of 9 reindeer 131,068 34
12/19/2008 10:45 PM

GODDAMMIT WHEN YOU GUYS TRY AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS IN ARTICLE THREADS, IT GETS ALL UNSORTED AND THEN I DON'T KNOW THE ORDER IN WHICH THE EARLIER HILARITY OCCURRED.

Test Tube Baby 828 5
12/19/2008 11:25 PM

Phla I'm truly sorry and I will try and follow the script next time.

Care for some (hic) eggnog?

Chit 178,781 15
12/20/2008 12:51 AM

I would like to point out to everyone that this article is now in the lead for the $250 Funniest Holiday Article because of all your highly-clicked posts telling her how unfunny it is.











Well then the system is ALL FrostED UP!!  



 

Straw la la la la la la la la 98,019 37
12/20/2008 09:12 AM

I'm just now reading this article for the first time.

There's a fine line between laughing through the pain and being painfully unfunny.  That poor, poor line.

Don't click on this post!!!!

Not that you would have anyway!!!!

I just don't want to add to the click total!!!!!

poop

Jesus Hussein Whistler Christ 186,130 44
12/21/2008 02:27 AM

She likes Pink Floyd, so I approve of her.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
12/22/2008 12:29 PM

Just want to answer in one post cause I can't play today (short handed at work)...

1- I prefer not to have presents and just have a holiday without everyone smiling nicely yet staring daggers at each other at the same time. As is the usual holiday custom.

2- I wasn't aware I was in the running for the contest. But I think Millie's article was the funniest. I've verbally told what I wrote to people I think with the mannerisims I make along with it, maybe that's what made it funny. It is a fine line between funny and disturbing.

3- I got it out of my system and all the toxicity that came with it thanks to you guys. Still don't like the holiday though. In fact I don't plan on spending it at home with my family for the whole time. My son and I are going to my boyfriend's house later that day to watch Madagascar 2 and play games.

4- I don't own any Bratz dolls as they sort of scare me (They look like overlydone cross-dressing hookers to me). Although I will conceed that I am a brat by my own making.

5- I shared my toys as a kid, as a result I seldom share them as an adult :), J/K. The only thing I don't share is my underwear, cause that would be just gross.

Pram can haz crap job 80,728 42
12/22/2008 12:57 PM

and the echo from your vagina is louder than ever.

Now it goes to 11!

Great to have you back, man. Hell, I would be HONORED to be sleighted by your mean wit.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
12/22/2008 02:58 PM

Just want to answer in one post cause I can't play today (short handed at work)...

Does that mean you are understaffed or are one of TTJ's kids ?

Jingle Squirrel 53,270 54
12/22/2008 03:07 PM

Sorry you think I'm a bitch.

Why are you sorry Danielle Bitch? It says Bitch right in your name.

Test Tube Baby 828 5
12/22/2008 03:24 PM

Sorry you think I'm a bitch.

You know what they say....

                                           The squeaky wheel gets the grease!

Beeyatch  On  I Say