Musicians Wanted



Needed: Punk rockers to join both my band and my life's mission of bringing down society.



I've already taken care of most of the hard stuff: since we're influenced mostly by the Sex Pistols and the BuzzColeridges, our name will be the Sex Coleridges.



I've even got our first few songs written:



Jesus was a Communist: About Jesus's obsession with radical socialism.



Wal-Marx: About how Wal-Marts are like Soviet gulags with us as the prisoners and how we'd probably be better off as Communists.



Femijism: About the plight of women struggling for equality in a male-dominated world. And also splooge.



Two-Party Party: About how major corporations use the two-party system to exploit Americans. And how doing so is like a party (for them). Actually, this song and Wal-Marx are pretty much the same song.



Mr. Jones: This one's a cover of the song Mr. Jones by Counting Crows. I just always liked that song.





I imagine our shows will fast become the stuff of legend, as they'll be marked by all kinds of punk stuff: drugs, sex, people having sex with drugs, people with t-shirts with people having sex on them: all kinds of crazy crap.



If you're interested, you'll need to have either clothes or hair that reflects your disdain and/or contempt for society. Ideally, the hair will say something like, "Hey society, check this out." But it should also convey that you don't really care what they think about your hair. But they should be shocked or at least made generally uncomfortable by it.



Also, one of us is gonna have to have a van big enough for our equipment. A truck with a camper on the back would also work, I guess. It depends on the size of the camper, really, and the truck bed… and whether we have one of those big drum sets or one of the smaller ones... but I'm sure that stuff will work itself out.



Auditions will be held Sunday in my parents' garage. We live in the Twin Golden Pines subdivision behind the Costco. If our security guard Albert isn't there to let you in (He doesn't like to miss Joel Osteen on Sundays), our gate code is 1951 (the year both my parents were born). I'll put little signs down with arrows that'll lead you right to the house. The signs will say 'Audition' with an arrow. They'd say 'Sex Coleridges', but some of the neighbors may not approve.



I'll be looking for a bass player, a guitar player, a drummer and a singer. I'd sing myself, but I'm a drive-thru teller at the Bank of America, and I can't afford to damage my voice. It's a good job and I don't want to rock the boat there - I mean, I'm getting benefits and everything. My dad says I could even retire at 60 if I keep at it.



So join me Sunday and let's punk some Shakespeare up, Sex Coleridges-style (Please wait until mid-afternoon… I carpool with Albert to see Joel Osteen).

 

BillSalamie 67,057 13
12/31/2008 11:26 AM

So you're going to shock the world by repeating the same themes a thousand other punk bands have done a million times, and saying exactly what anyone would expect you to say?

Lyfestyle 107 7
12/31/2008 11:30 AM

That's the whole point.

It's written from the vantage point of someone who's... attempting to be punk and failing. 

I thought the Joel Osteen stuff if nothing else would give that away.

BillSalamie 67,057 13
12/31/2008 11:38 AM

Oh, so I shouldn't drive over to audition then.

Lyfestyle 107 7
12/31/2008 11:42 AM

Ha... if not enough musicians show up we could, like, play Stratego or something else.

Deck The Pram 80,728 42
12/31/2008 01:11 PM

Are you makin' fun of me?

Millie 116,988 28
12/31/2008 07:19 PM

Shoot, you were joking? 

Does anyone know how to get Krazy Glue out of hair?