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The wind-up…
The pitch:
Greetings and 'shalom'. It recently occurred to me that, in our efforts to duplicate the success of Titanic, we've been missing the most obvious cure to our box office blues: Titanic 2: The Curse of that Frost-ing Necklace.
It's like Pet Cemetery, right, except the 'Cemetery' is, like, the ocean, and the 'Pet' would be, like, the people that drowned.
It could be even bigger than the first Titanic… we'd just have to edge it up a bit.
I think Ving Rhames should play a beach cop with a pump-shotgun, laying waste to the drown victims who've come back to life to feast on those that... well, those that didn't drown, I guess.
The Titanic zombies will be led by Molly Brown and Jack. I assume Kathy Bates will reprise her role, although I hear Leo D-Cap may be busy, so we might have to use, like, Hayden Christensen or Heath Ledg... someone else.
It'll be set in modern times, right, and the Curse will come about because Rose told Jack she'd never let go, but then she died, thus breaking her word, thus unleashing murderous zombies on us all.
Now, what's the difference between run-of-the-mill Hollywood zombies and Titanic zombies? Well… I guess you're more likely to run into Titanic zombies in or around the water. From a marketing standpoint, you're combining the 'water horror' appeal of 'Jaws' with the 'zombie' appeal of… a zombie movie.
Speaking of marketing, we're going to need to generate some buzz here. Now, I'm not saying we kill Kathy Bates shortly before the movie's released, but I'm not not-saying it, either.
I was thinking that the movie will start with some fishermen out in the water… swimming. Then we'll do the underwater camera slowly approaching them before we see a zombified Jack grab them and drown them. Titanic zombies don't necessarily eat brains, they just drown folks while yelling, "The boat that couldn't be sunk?! The boat that couldn't be sunk!?" real sarcastic-like.
At some point, Ving will, like, shoot Kathy Bates in the head, 'cause that's the only way to kill her. Of course when he shoots her, he'll say something wicked clever and sweet like, "Die, bitch!" Or, "Bitch... die!" Now that I think about it, Sammy Jackson could also play this role.
At the end, when there's the inevitable face-off between Ving and Jack, we'll have Ving's shotgun jam up at the last second, thus leading to Captain Jack smiling (we'll call him 'Captain' Jack because he's leading the zombies), and then Ving shooting him 'cause his gun isn't jammed up anymore. Needless to say, that will be followed by Ving dropping this bomb: "Looks like I'm the king of the world, bitch." Or maybe, "Who's king of the world now, bitch?"
And finally, I was thinking maybe we'd get Trent Reznor to remix My Heart Will Go On for the outro. Maybe he could call it My Heart Will Go On, But Yours Won't, or he could take it in another direction with something like My Heart Will Go On Indefinitely Because I'm A Zombie and I'm Actually Undead.
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