ZUG Live
Comedy ArticleGigaCleanse (tm): Part 1
John Hargrave
01/08/2009 06:39 AMI recently read about the Master Cleanse Diet, a cleansing program that involves drinking lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for ten days, with the promises that you will "lose weight, have more energy, and be happier in 10 days." Since I've spent most of my adult life trying to lose weight, have more energy, and be happier, I thought the promise of doing it all in 10 days sounded pretty good.
Not pictured: maple syrup, cayenne pepper, knife
But the more I thought about it, the more I felt that the Master Cleanse wasn't enough. I wanted more. I wanted to lose weight, have more energy, be happier, and not have to suffer for 10 days. I wanted the ultimate cleanse, which not only would rid my body and mind of unwanted toxins, but also not be difficult.
And that's how I came up with The GigaCleanse(tm).
The GigaCleanse(tm), which is trademarked and therefore more important, combines the Master Cleanse, colon cleansing, and what we'll call "mind cleansing," which is nothing more than tricking yourself into believing that the diet is ridiculously easy. Over the next ten days, I will undergo my own program and report on the results. Here's how it works.
DAY 0. On a sheet of paper, hand-write the following statements.
I will feel good.
I will feel full.
I will feel energetic.
I will feel happy.
I will feel funny.
The last one is optional, that's more for me, since I have to somehow maintain a five-part comedy series around drinking lemon juice.
You can add your own goals (i.e. "I will feel horny," "I will feel like Jennifer Aniston," etc.), but make sure they're positive goals, since you will actually be feeling this way for the next ten days.
On the first day, spend ten minutes in the morning, and ten minutes in the evening, repeating these goals slowly to yourself, with your eyes closed and your breathing deep. It is vitally important that you do this for at least ten minutes in the morning, and ten minutes in the evening. You will be tempted to skip this step, but I am going to repeat it again: ten minutes in the morning, and ten minutes in the evening. Ten shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be ten. Eight shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count nine, excepting that thou then proceedeth to ten.
"I will not eat so many cookies."
Next, fold your piece of paper (we'll call this your "mind-tricking paper") and put it in your pocket. At least ten times throughout the day, pull out the paper and re-read it. Don't be afraid to put some feeling into it. If necessary, perform it in song. Don't just recite it: trick your mind into believing it. If you want this to work, then pretend like it's going to work, until it works. Fake it 'til you make it, baby.
On Day 0, you don't have to do anything else. Keep your regular, crappy, energy-draining diet in place. This really is the crucial first step: write down your mind-tricking statements on a piece of paper, repeat them slowly for ten minutes in the morning and ten minutes in the evening, then repeat them ten times throughout the day.
This is going to work. It's the GigaCleanse(tm). You can trust it. It's trademarked.
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Bill the Squirrel
01/02/2009 06:40 PMI wanted to lose weight, have more energy, be happier, and not have to suffer for 10 days.
I do that by using meth and getting hookers.
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Your What?! Hurts?
01/02/2009 09:15 PMThat'd be CrystalCleanse (tm), eh Bill?
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Bill the Squirrel
01/02/2009 09:19 PMThat'd be CrystalCleanse (tm), eh Bill?
No, that would be Friday (tm).
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Test Tube Baby
01/02/2009 09:45 PMBill you are welcome to use my Easy Bake Meth Lab if you need to.
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Bill the Squirrel
01/02/2009 09:50 PMI feel bad. We have meth jacked Sir Johns article.
Oh well, the article wasn't that good anyway.
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Bill the Squirrel
01/02/2009 09:51 PMNice knowing you guys.
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Pubah
01/04/2009 01:26 PM-In Professional Announcer Voice-
The ChrysMeth Diet Plan, though shown to be effective in Trailer Park Test Subjects, has been known to cause rotting of teeth, divorce, loss of income, incarcerations, unwanted or not remembered sexual encounters and bowel explosions.
Do not use the ChrysMeth Diet Plan if you are a oxygen breathing, carbon based, Homo SapienSapien hoping to be employed, pregnent or in a productive relationship.
-Goes out to find Lemons, Pepper and Honey-
Poop stories will follow
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bd101
01/13/2009 10:28 PMlike rolfl alredy at the caption of santa
zommg
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Thud
01/13/2009 10:31 PMlike rolfl alredy at the caption of santa
zommg
I'll fill in for an oldtimer* who is unavoidably detained: Oh honey, no.
* Nothing personal meant by that, it just slipped in there.
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