ZUG Live: GigaCleanse (tm): Part 2

Comedy Article

GigaCleanse (tm): Part 2

Hilarious 4 votes 4.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811095

John Hargrave

01/08/2009 06:38 AM

The Master Cleanse, also known as the "Lemonade Diet," is a radical fasting program where you drink only salt water and a homemade "lemonade" beverage consisting of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. It was created by alternative health nut Stanley Burroughs in the 1940's, and has been wildly popular ever since. It's popular with celebrities since it allows you to lose weight quickly: Beyonce used the diet to lose 22 pounds for her role in Dreamgirls, and Howard Stern's co-host Robin Quivers lost 73 pounds on the Master Cleanse.

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Robin Quivers on Master Cleanse Diet

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I used the Master Cleanse as the foundation for my new weight loss plan called The GigaCleanse(tm), which I expect to be featured on The View any day now. It combines the Master Cleanse, a colon cleanse, and what I'm calling a "mind cleanse" (a.k.a. tricking yourself into believing that living on lemonade is good for you). The prep work consisted of writing down the following statements and repeating them for ten minutes in the morning, ten minutes at night, and ten times throughout the day:

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I will feel good.

I will feel full.

I will feel energetic.

I will feel happy.

I will feel funny.

I will feel good in a thong.

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DAY 1. Starting weight: 158.5 pounds.

I went to my local Whole Foods and stocked up on all the supplies I would need for my cleanse: maple syrup, cayenne pepper, sea salt, and spring water, and an assload of lemons.

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"When life gives you lemons..."

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I brought home the supplies and stacked them on the counter, my meal plan for the foreseeable future.

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"The four food groups: salt, pepper, lemons, and syrup"

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I then prepared the first of the "internal salt water baths," as Burroughs called them. Basically this is two teaspoons of salt dissolved in one quart of lukewarm water, which is just as tasty as it sounds. The saline acts as a "cleansing agent," scrubbing out your insides like an all-natural pressure sprayer. Imagine sipping a quart of nice, warm seawater, with a lemonade chaser.

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"Mmm ... saline"

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After an hour, they say, you will feel the urge to "eliminate." Let me be more specific. You remember that tsunami that struck Thailand a few years ago? Better stay near the bathroom, because that's what you'll be producing.

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"POO-NAMI!"

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Then I prepared the first of many, many lemonade drinks. The recipe for the day is:

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8 oz fresh-squeezed lemon juice (about 3-4 lemons)

8 oz Grade B organic maple syrup

1 tsp caynenne pepper

11 cups water

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"BEHOLD! THE CLEANSING POWER OF LEMONS!"

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As diet drinks go, the lemonade isn't too bad. It's no Country Time, mind you -- it would need a quart of corn syrup and artificial coloring -- but it's not too tart, not too sweet, with a little kick provided by the cayenne pepper. It's at least as tasty as TAB.

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As I sipped my first glass, I felt the remaining drops of my "saline bath" squirt out into my underwear. So I quickly adjusted my affirmation statements:

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The GigaCleanse(tm) was working, all right -- a little too well. Where would the diet take me from here? Stay tuned for Part 3.

Hilarious 4 votes 4.8 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811096

Le Ravos
01/05/2009 07:25 AM
First, not that it matters with the ridiculous re-ordering system in place now.

Amusing 1 votes 1.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811119

peoriagrace
01/05/2009 01:11 PM
I lost 12 pounds in a week! Ask me how:

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No not the British kind either.

Chuckleworthy 1 votes 2.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811120

Gonzo feels a sub-conscious urge to go to Whole Foods(tm).
01/05/2009 01:12 PM

0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811226

peoriagrace
01/06/2009 07:29 PM
Alright don't everybody ask at once. Just get yourself a life threatening abdominal infection. It's amazing how you just don't have the food cravings, when your guts have been pressured washed out.

0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811286

Gonzo
01/07/2009 02:44 PM
Ahhh... reminds me of the time me and 700 of my closest strangers contracted a norovirus at an Easter brunch buffet.� I�must have lost at least 20 lbs in what easily qualifies as the most uncomforatble 18 thours straight I've spent in my bathroom.� I�was reduced to curling up into the fetal position and quivering for about 5 more hours after that... but I guarantee that after that, there wasn't so much as a mentally handicapped microbe in my digestive tract. �

Amusing 1 votes 1.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811287

Gonzo
01/07/2009 02:44 PM
CRAP!

I meant to end that with:

GOOD�TIMES... GOOD�TIMES...

0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811404

peoriagrace
01/08/2009 07:49 PM
Yes Gonzo that'll work; but you risk giving the virus(mine was rhino) to your children. Then you have to spend several days in the children's hosital with 16 month old which you had almost �weened. The doctors ask you to start nursing full time again; as she can't keep any food down and the�IV isn't enough.

Although the hospital does�gives you all the free food you want(they have�a good grill and salad bar)�from their cafeteria; as you are breastfeeding their patient. No, I don't know if they would give the general population free food if they breastfeed the hospital's other patients.

0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1811556

Happy New Pair of Jeens
01/10/2009 11:26 PM
John, judging by your photo of supplies, your syrup to fruit ratio seems way off. Three bottles of grade B syrup? Are you looking to become a quick diabetic?

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And why Grade B, damnit? I can never find grade B anywhere!