ZUG Live
Comedy ArticleGigaCleanse (tm): Part 3
John Hargrave
01/08/2009 06:31 AMFor ten days, I'm on a new program I'm calling the GigaCleanse(tm), which is three cleanses in one: a wacky diet called the Master Cleanse where you drink nothing but lemonade and maple syrup, a colon cleanse program called Dr. Natura, and a mind cleanse where you trick yourself into thinking that you should be doing this. [Read Part 1 and Part 2 here.]
Helpful tip: use one of these old-skool juicers for your lemons.
This kind of juicer should only be used for an improvised jailhouse shiv.
DAY 2. Starting weight: 157.7 pounds.
I'm an idiot, because I'm only now realizing what I've gotten myself into. See, this is my problem. I get so excited about an idea for ZUG that I lose all sense of reason. "I'll drink nothing but lemonade and salt water for ten days! It will be hilarious!" Then around the second day, I understand: I'm drinking nothing but lemonade and salt water for ten days. I am a moron.
This is not a cleanse, it's a FAST!
He tricked me! Stanley Burroughs, the wacky health nut from the 1940's, is a deceitful viper! He called his program the "Master Cleanse" because he knew if he called it the "Juice Fast" no one would possibly want to do it. But that's what it is: you're going without solid food, only his nutty lemonade drink, for ten days. Anyone who's tried going without food for even one day knows that this is craziness. But now my reputation is at stake.
Takeaway: If you want to successfully complete the GigaCleanse(tm), it helps to blog about it in real time, because then you'll be too embarrassed to quit.
Today was difficult, first because of my realization that I'm an idiot, and second because I am addicted to caffeine. I drink 4-6 cups of coffee a day, and starting yesterday I went cold turkey (mmm ... cold turkey). Lack of energy, lack of focus, and general irritability. But anytime I felt the urge to complain, or (more frequently) to eat, I would go back to my positive affirmations:
Then I'd have a sip of spicy lemonade, put on some fresh underwear, and everything would be all right. Mind over matter. Or more accurately, mind over Master Cleanse.
DAY 3. Starting weight: 156 pounds.
Without a doubt Day 3 has been the most difficult so far. I had to go back to work today, and "work" for me is synonymous with "coffee." Coffee fuels work, and work fuels America. Without coffee, therefore, the economy collapses and everyone dies.
These are the kinds of thoughts that went through my brain, which felt like it was running in maple syrup (which it is). Co-workers would come to me with urgent matters, and it would require great concentration and effort to comprehend what they were saying. It sounded like this: "Hey John, furzlehumph blurble COFFEE schlurzle googoo COFFEE COFFEE zazzle schlurpy building on fire!"
Then I would hear the fire alarms and evacuate to the parking lot. But not before taking the time to evacuate my bowels, which I must do consistently every morning, thanks to Dr. Natura and the salt water solution.
I'm not going to lie to you: even with the affirmation statements, Day 3 was tough. I found comfort when I went online and Googled "Day 3 Master Cleanse" and found these words of encouragement:
"When you feel like giving up, remember that Day 3 is the hardest. Persevere and you will succeed. Beyond Day 3 is accomplishment, and beyond accomplishment is victory. You can do it!"
Then I found out it was a spammer who had posted identical blog entries for every other day of the fast, just so he could link to his weight loss pills. Curse you spammers, and the mouth-watering meat you are named after!
I've come to call it "Power Juice."
DAY 4. Starting weight: 152 pounds.
Well, the spammer was right: today was much, much easier. I was clear, focused, and even energetic. I have escaped the clutches of the caffeine addiction, and my mind tricks are working. In the words of James Brown after he beat his wife, "I feel good!"
My life has now settled into a kind of routine: I get up, do my ten minutes of affirmation, make the saltwater drink (the industry term is SWF, for "Salt Water Flush" or Shakespeare, that Water's Foul"), fix my jug of lemonade, then sip it throughout the day. At night, it's a tablespoon of Dr. Natura colon cleaner, couple of glasses of spring water, ten minutes of self-hypnosis, and off to bed.
You would think that you would feel constantly hungry on the GigaCleanse(tm), and while you do feel a pit of emptiness in your stomach, and while you do want to violently murder anyone who is cooking food nearby, you are not constantly focused on eating. The cayenne pepper in the lemonade drink apparently acts as a hunger suppressant, and of course the "mind cleanse" tricks you into thinking that you're feeling full. It's still difficult, but it's easier than you'd think.
The only thing that gets you is the smell of food, which becomes incredibly heightened and intense. When I came home tonight, I was hit full-force with the aroma of fried potato pancakes that my wife was making the kids for dinner. It was like a full-on body blow to the abdomen.
These looked amazingly good:
So did all this:
And even this:
I went to bed sobbing softly.
On the bright side, I'm almost at the halfway mark, and it's all downhill from there. Stay tuned for Part 4!
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Fratberry
01/08/2009 08:30 AMNice work. Fatty.
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Ditdah
01/08/2009 08:37 AMHelpful tip: use one of these old-skool juicers for your lemons.
Uh, John? You do realize that they make electric juicers, right?
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Le Ravos
01/08/2009 08:43 AMUh, John? You do realize that they make electric juicers, right?
Blasphemy!
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I'm Danielle... Bitch!
01/08/2009 09:57 AMOMG, you lost 4lbs in a day! I might have to do this diet...
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UnderWhere?
01/08/2009 11:31 AMThen I'd have a sip of spicy lemonade, put on some fresh underwear, and everything would be all right.
Hell yes! I am going to ignore the fact that you spelled mine and Spicey's name wrong and just be happy you know who I am.
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Bill the Squirrel
01/08/2009 02:04 PMDAY 4. Starting weight: 152 pounds.
What are you dieting for? I've taken Shakespeares that weigh more than you.
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Fratberry
01/08/2009 02:42 PMHe must be trying to lose all that weight he gained during the penis enlargement prank.
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Gonzo
01/08/2009 03:09 PMWAITAMINUTE!?!!1!
How come all the droids in Start Wars are named with letters and numbers, but the alphabet they use is completely different than ours?
Wait...
Where am I?
.
.
.
Oh, nevermind.
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Dryole Nod
01/08/2009 04:46 PM"How come all the droids in Start Wars ... etc."
What the Frost?
How'd you spell "Star Wars" wrong?
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Thatsgreat2345
01/08/2009 05:09 PMWhen you feel like giving up, remember that Day 3 is the hardest. Persevere and you will succeed. Beyond Day 3 is accomplishment, and beyond accomplishment is victory. You can do it!
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Pubah
01/09/2009 09:56 PMPubah want Gingerbread house...
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Your What?! Hurts?
01/10/2009 02:03 PMGingerbread house ...
I didn't realize John's kids were blind ...
and without opposable thumbs.
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