ZUG Live
Comedy ArticleGigaCleanse (tm): Part 4
John Hargrave
01/12/2009 04:24 AMAs part of my New Year's resolution to lose weight in the most hilarious manner possible, I am on a new program called GigaCleanse(tm). The GigaCleanse(tm) is three cleanses in one: the world-famous Master Cleanse, the world-famous colon cleanse, and the soon-to-be-world-famous mind cleanse, where you convince yourself that you're going to make it through this without dying.
In the first four days of the GigaCleanse(tm), I have already broken my caffeine habit, lost six pounds, and my skin has begun to radiate a fresh lemon scent. [Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.] Now we're on the back half of this revolutionary "back half" cleanse.
Making breakfast. (And lunch, and dinner.)
DAY 5. Starting weight: 149 pounds. Good Lord, I have lost nearly ten pounds in five days. Today my mom, who has actually done a 30-day fast, wrote me the following e-mail:
John,
I just read ZUG. As your mother, and an expert at cleanses, I'm asking you not to do a colon cleanse while you're doing the Master Cleanse.
Since I know you'll do it anyway, please drink LOTS of water and watch yourself carefully. The body can become dehydrated (remember Jade & me at the marathon). The body has electrolytes that have to balanced. You could drink some Gatorade, too.
I'll be reading to see how it's going.
Love you,
Mom
I wrote her back:
Dear Mom:
Today I attained enlightenment.
Love,
John
During my ten minutes of self-hypnosis this morning, I did in fact attain a profound sort of cosmic insight about the interconnectedness of all humanity, and in fact all the energy in the universe. Fasting gives you a queer (queer strange, not queer gay) sensation of emptying your mind at the same time you're emptying your belly. You feel calmer, more focused, more "still." Or maybe you just don't have the energy to move.
At any rate, I caught a glimpse of the Divine Intelligence underlying all things, so I suppose that was worth another day on this crazy program. Then I pulled up my pants, flushed, and went on with the rest of my day.
"The cleansing power of lemons."
DAY 6. Starting weight: 150 pounds. I seem to have "bottomed out" at my goal weight of 150 pounds, which is an appropriate phrase since this morning I believe my bottom actually fell out.
I've been doing a lot of reading on the Internet about people who have tried the Master Cleanse and have not been able to complete the full ten days, and I believe there is one primary reason: they get focused on GOOD.
When people get focused on GOOD (and by GOOD I actually mean another word that represents something you're not eating) they cannot stop thinking about GOOD. Before you know it, they've got GOODBOOKS out, thumbing through recipes. They're cooking GOOD for other people, just so they can smell the GOOD. They are letting GOOD dominate their thoughts, rather than making their thoughts dominate GOOD.
This is why the mind cleanse is so critically important. Ten minutes every morning, ten minutes every night, ten times throughout the day, I am repeating my mantra:
Every time I get the urge to think of GOOD (the word that is one letter away), I transpose that letter and think GOOD instead (literally the word GOOD). I won't even write the other word here, because then we'll both be thinking it. Refuse to think it. Replace it with your mantra instead.
I'm telling you, this works. Today I felt more energized than I have since I started the GigaCleanse(tm). My brain has become my bitch.
DAY 7. Today I wanted to prove how well the GigaCleanse(tm) works, so I joined some friends at the Cheesecake Factory, to show that I could be surrounded by temptation and not be swayed.
The Cheesecake Factory is notorious for the world's largest menu of mediocre food. There are literally hundreds of bland items in every conceivable category. Instead of a menu, they should provide a sortable database. Here are just two pages of the 40-page menuzine:
They actually sell ad space in their menu -- which means ironically, their menu has no taste.
The portions at Cheesecake Factory would make Paul Bunyan take home a doggy bag. Appetizers have to be wheeled in on a hospital gurney. Main courses arrive dripping in a full bottle of olive oil. Workers in the kitchen have huge hoses labeled BROWN SAUCE, SALAD DRESSING, CATSUP, which they spray full-force onto buckets of food, then glop onto enormous platters and garnish with sprigs of parsley.
This might sound disgusting, but what did you expect? They told you it was a factory!
When our waitress asked for my order, I just pointed to my jug of lemonade and said, "I brought my lunch, thanks."
I can't say this was an easy moment, though.
As my friends dug into quivering heaps of overcooked faux-Asian pasta, and lifeless lumps of doughy meat, I asked if anyone wanted a shot of my Power Juice. I couldn't get anybody to drink the lemonade. I would make a terrible cult leader.
Livin' La Vida Lemon.
For an hour and a half, I demonstrated the power of mind over meals. The Cheesecake Factory is the epitome of American consumption, and I sat in the middle of one and refused to consume. I felt like a modern-day Gandhi.
Stay tuned for Part 5.
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I'm Danielle... Bitch!
01/12/2009 01:45 PMGo John!
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Le Ravos
01/12/2009 01:52 PMGo John!
Oh, I'm sure he will after he drinks a few containers of that lemonade.
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Miss Trixxie
01/12/2009 02:32 PMAt least this is harmless, which is a step in the right direction
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KChiki is a Cheeky Monkey
01/12/2009 03:04 PMKudos for running the gauntlet!
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Fratberry
01/12/2009 04:39 PMI think anorexia would have been easier and a lot more fun. You could enjoy your meals twice and you'd get to eat your finger for dessert!
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Thatsgreat2345
01/13/2009 01:26 AMI would love to try Gigacleanse(tm), however what is this costing in lemons, probably not much in syrup, or cayane peppers, but Lemons, goodness how much does this cost.
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Le Ravos
01/13/2009 04:20 AMI would love to try Gigacleanse(tm), however what is this costing in lemons
Probably significantly less than if you were buying real food.
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Humphrey
01/13/2009 11:49 PMKudos for running a marathon!!
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peoriagrace
01/15/2009 03:31 AMJohn I think you need a monkey on your back for your pictures(a live monkey); please.
I'll settle for a stuffed monkey that can wrap it's arms around your neck and hang there.
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Black lace pajamas
02/06/2009 04:22 PMI think anorexia would have been easier and a lot more fun. You could enjoy your meals twice and you'd get to eat your finger for dessert!
Wrong eating disorder.
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peoriagrace
02/07/2009 12:19 AMNo it's not Black lace; if you use the ex-lax. Then it can be reeaten. Just like bunnies do do.
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Black lace pajamas
02/07/2009 11:07 AMIt'd be like two girls one cup all over again...only, without the hot girls...or the cheesy music...and somehow I doubt hundreds of thousands of people would go to a site to check out John Hargrave dumping in a cup then eating it.
What am I talking about? They already come to read about him performing experiments on himself with laxatives and viagra.
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peoriagrace
02/09/2009 01:22 AMYeah you get; time machine.
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peoriagrace
02/09/2009 06:16 PMDammit I knew I was too drugged to be writing Shakespeare.
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