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I wrote and sent this letter to Mrs. Mrs. Indra Nooyi (President and CFO of PepsiCo).
Dear Mrs. Indra Nooyi (President and CFO of PepsiCo),
My name is Steven, I enjoy licking Blow Pops "Blue Razzberry"
while snorkeling in the New Jersey waste management facility.
Giving myself a saline drip I.V. into my scrotum because my Coleridge is malnourished is another hobby of mine also.
Now that you know a little more about me, I'd like to ask you to stop putting addictive chemicals into your Code Red Mountain Dew product.
There is no 12 step program for Code Red OK? There is no Code Red Anonymous.
SO...Mrs. Nooyi, PLEASE quit!
It has taken me 2 hours 6 minutes and 36 seconds to type this much. You might be asking yourself "Why is he so detailed with the time?" Because thats how long it has been since I've had my last Code Red Mountain Dew! And now I have the Frost-ing shakes mother-Froster!
I apologize for the swearing, that was rude of me. The diarrhea comes in waves, sorry.
Look, I understand you didn't mean any harm. It was a business decision right? Yeah, get people hooked on your product and make more profit.
Sure, I understand that...totally.
But let me ask you a question Mrs. Nooyi, do you let your children drink Code Red?
Do they? Wait, allow me to answer that for you.
NO! NO!, they don't! Why? You tell me Mrs. Nooyi! YOU Frost-ing tell me! Tell me Coleridgesucker! Tell me, tell me why your sons of bitching kids don't drink it?!
Wow, I'm so sorry...diarrhea again, whew boy! Again...sorry.
OK, so your kids don't drink it. What good parent would let their child drink a liquid that they would get addicted to right? Exactly! Protect you own yeah?
Sure, I understand that...totally.
Can I ask you another question? Let me ask you another question Mrs. Nooyi, OK? Great.
How much did you make in the last fiscal year through other peoples addiction? Huh? How many prostitutes did your husband Frost on my dime you douche bag! How many? Tell me! How many holes did your husband stick his corrosive dick in at MY expenses?
Yes, including yours. Your a Frost-ing whore too! Your a corporate whore! With your Gucci handbags and Czechoslovakian crystal chandeliers etched by hand!
Oh...god, the Mylanta isn't working anymore.
Forgive me Mrs. Nooyi. Sorry...sorry...sorry, your husbands penis isn't corrosive, it's just lovely I'm sure.
Hey, what successful powerful business woman such as yourself wouldn't shower themselves with the best right? I mean, you've earned it working your way up the ranks yeah?
Sure, I understand that...totally.
Enclosing, I am sure your secretary has made you aware that a care-package accompanied this letter. Inside you will find a few items for a marketing idea that I feel will help boost the already very well selling Code Red Mountain Dew product.
Please consider packaging these with Code Red bottles, or have them on display close by.
Thank you for your time.
Always yours mother-Froster,
-- Steve
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