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What would I have to do to give myself acne?
This is me in my best mistress-wannabe pose -- small, short, as Asian as Jackie Chan and noodles, and genetically hotwired to have clear skin.
The question: what would I have to do to overturn my Asian DNA and give myself acne? I've only had pimples once or twice in my entire life. Aside from my beauty marks, here is an action shot of my annoyingly clear face.
You can see that while I have braces, freckles, wrinkles, and crow's feet (terrible, really, considering I'm only 26), I don't have acne. And that, precisely, is why the experiment is going to be so difficult -- and fun. Here is another shot of my irritatingly clear skin.
Yes, my hair is messy and yes, I look like my cubicle at work has completely warped my spine and destroyed my ability to feel joy. But my skin is clearer than Lindsay Lohan's driving record. Who better to break out with acne?
Now, no one is really sure what causes acne. Some say breakouts are caused by:
a. lack of sleep;
b. lack of facial hygiene;
c. lack of nourishment;
d. lack of sex;
e. lack of sun protection;
f. lack of drive to stay away from oily food.
All six sound logical ... but my Asian heritage claims otherwise. Here in the Phillipines, the local hilot (healer) and all the neighborhood grandmothers say that breakouts are caused by unreciprocated love and leaving rice uneaten on one's plate. Sounds ridiculous? Perhaps. But remember, I'm clear-skinned and Asian. I embrace the scientific and the superstitious with equal glee.
And so, I take one last, loving look at my clear face...
and then put what I've always believed as my superior genes to the test. I will give myself acne.
Day One of Operation Acne
I start by refusing to wash my face. I head outdoors to work where it's hottest (without slapping on sunblock, mind you), and I skip breakfast. This is me happily cavorting in the sun, channeling my inner Paris Hilton.
No food. No bath. No sun protection.
Oh, and I am so hell-bent on lacking sleep, sex, and hygiene that I pitch camp outdoors and resolve to spend the night working away.
Day Two of Operation Acne
OK, maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I greet day two sleepless, hygiene-less, sunblock-less, sex-less. But still, no breakout. Here's a shot of my tired but nevertheless clear face.
If I look like yesterday's leftover, that's because I literally am. I haven't washed, changed clothing, or had sex. I also tactfully told the husband to chain Junior to the doorknob for the meantime. Until Operation Acne is officially over, I will remain as chaste as the Virgin Mary -- so help me Joseph!
Say hello to my neighborhood and the chicken.
Now, I don't give up quickly and even though I already have the eating habits of someone who's three times my size, I decided to make my diet even more unhealthy than it already is. Time to say goodbye to French fries and everything meaty and fried --- bring the big kahuna in!
For lunch, we had lechon. For the uninitiated (that's pretty much ALL of you), in the Philippines we slay pigs whole, skin them free of hair (using hot water and razors), skewer them with a pole, roast them in the backyard, and serve them on the table crisp, brown, and whole. Barbaric, I know, but delicious! Celebrations are considered incomplete without the lechon. Here's an action shot of the lechon roasting.
And here's the lechon I had for lunch - all 10 kilos of unhealthy, coronary-inducing, mouth-watering porkiness of it. Oh, and that's an apple shoved onto the lechon's mouth. I don't know why we do that; we just do. I'll hazard a guess, though: the apple is there to block our view of the pig's molars.
This is leftover rice on my plate. Neighborhood hilots (healers) say leaving rice uneaten will give me acne.
Now let's see where we're at on our checklist, shall we?
a. Lack of sleep: CHECK
b. Lack of facial hygiene: CHECK
c. Lack of nourishment: CHECK
d. Lack of sex: CHECK
e. Lack of sun protection: CHECK
f. Inability to stay away from oily food: CHECK
g. Leaving rice uneaten on one's plate: CHECK
h. Unreciprocated love: CHECK (Brad Pitt married Angelina so I'm counting this)
Looks like I have everything checked off. So now, we come to the zit-critical question: Will I break out tonight and wake up the next day with a faceful of boils?
Next: Smearing My Face with Oil!
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