|
The experiment was simple: what would I, an Asian woman, have to do to give myself acne?
Here's the blank canvas I had to work with.
You can see that while I'm no raving beauty, my face is clearer than your credit record. I've only had one or two pimples since birth -- but could I overturn genetics and give myself zits? In Part 1 of Operation Acne, I didn't take a bath, I skipped breakfast, I cavorted in the sun without sunblock, I left rice uneaten on my plate, I gorged on lechon (whole roasted pig), and I sacrificed sex for science.
Did I wake up the next day with more boils than a hag? Sadly, no. I woke up haggard, hungry, and horny, and still clear-faced. But I don't give up easily. Today I would raid my kitchen and slather my face with every greasy substance I could find.
Day Three of Operation Acne
Substance No. 1: Cooking oil
I grabbed a bottle of oil, poured some on my hand and slapped it on like a moisturizer. I left it on my face for two hours while I sat beside the bookshelf, pretending I was a yogi who could bend like a pretzel.
And this is me, still pretending to be a yogi and giving you a non-guided tour of my nose.
Result: Zero pimple.
The oil was hell to remove. I tried cleansers, soap, and finally, laundry detergent. Detergent worked but I'm afraid it stripped 10 years' worth of useful oil from my face laundering my face like that.
Substance No. 2: Tomato and Banana Ketchup
Because we're more meat-loving than cannibals in the Philippines, we have two types of ketchup: tomato and banana. I don't know which one is worse on the skin so I used both. This is me thinking I'm choice pork dripping with ketchup.
I let the ketchup sit until my face started to itch -- but you wouldn't know that from the picture because I'm busy (and delusionally) endorsing the product.
Result: Zero pimple.
The ketchup was easy enough to wash off but left a stench. I smelled like tomato ketchup for some time.
Substance No. 3: Porridge
Porridge is nutritious. It should nourish the skin like it does the stomach, right? Wrong. I spent hours with my face cemented in this expression! No one told me porridge hardens like concrete! And yes, I spent three hours with that look literally frozen on my face.
Result: Zero pimple but some chick named Goldilocks showed up at the door wanting breakfast.
Substance No. 4: Pepper and coffee mix
By this time, I'd run out of greasy stuff in the kitchen to mess with. So, I talked the help into helping (a lesson in third world economics: even the poor and the middle class have maids). This is the maid applying a mix of pepper and coffee granules on my wet face.
And this is me, trying hard not to fidget.
Result: Zero pimple.
Substance No. 5: Soy Sauce
Soy sauce turns meat brown and gives it flavor. It should give me acne, shouldn't it? Or, failing that, at least do something -- anything -- to my face!
Result: Zero pimple but I do think I look hawt with a femstache.
Almost 24 hours and six very, very thorough face scrubbings later, this is what I smell -- I mean, look like: barely able to keep my eyes open but still clear-faced. And yes, that's an inhaler behind me. Most of the substances I put on smelled so bad I needed the occasional sniff of menthol or two to keep from seizing.
I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong here. Is my face so tough it can withstand anything?
But I'm not through with the experiment yet. I'm not giving up! If the Victorians could stomach arsenic for the sake of beauty and if my countrymen could eat bull's penis in pursuit of virility, then I sure as hell could desecrate my face with a few substances more.
Next: Rubbing My Face with Pizza!
|
Share on your site:
