In these trying economic times, many people are having difficulty putting food on the table for their families. Even hardworking, dual-income families are checking the bottom supermarket shelves for the store-brand boxes of macaroni and cheese. There isn't much an individual can do to change the world economy, but I cannot stand idly by while mankind is suffering. As the Bible says, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Which is why I'm donating my time to reviewing the taste of cheap (but non-toxic) children's products.

Why take a second mortgage to buy steak, when pencil crayons are mere pennies? Why buy chicken when all your daily protein needs can be met by the delicious horse components in glue? Let your children play with their food! Let them eat Play-Doh!

Today I'll be reviewing non-toxic Crayola Twistables, but first I'll walk you through my choice of accompanying wine. This isn't the Great Depression, after all.

I chose a Cabernet Sauvignon because I've heard well-dressed people use those words before. A tip to ensure you're buying the finest $10 bottle of wine money can buy is to ensure that the bottle comes from the official wine supplier of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games.

Crayola Twistables are a highly-processed food. Unlike naturally occurring pencil crayons, which have an edible wooden shell, Twistables are served in a hard plastic container. You must twist them to get to the edible part inside, almost like when you're eating non-toxic under-arm deodorant.

I began by trying Orange. It didn't taste like oranges at all.

The flavor was bland, but woody. Next I tried Blue.

Finally, I tried an exquisite blend of Yellow and Something.

The taste of raw Twistables is very mild, but not entirely unpleasant. This dish wouldn't seem out of place on any British chef's menu. Plus, it didn't taste too good, so it probably has a lot of fiber (or something healthy).

Overall, I give Crayola Twistables 2 out of 5, which puts them somewhere between spoiled mayonnaise and slightly stale bran muffins. There was absolutely no difference in taste between the different colors, so I recommend saving money by buying a single color in bulk the next time you go grocery shopping.

Next taste test: white glue versus clear glue!

John Hargrave 128,751 73
02/02/2009 04:49 AM

awesome (adjective)



   1. (somewhat dated or formal) Causing awe or terror; inspiring wonder or excitement.



          The waterfall in the middle of the rainforest was an awesome sight.

          The tsunami was awesome in its destructive power.



   2. (informal) Excellent, exciting, remarkable.



          That was awesome!, That's awesome!!

          Awesome, dude!



   3. (modern) A Canadian comedy writer who undertakes heroic feats to make us laugh.



          BobJohnson is awesome.

 

TomServo 3,759 7
02/02/2009 06:34 AM

 Can your next article monitor the colour of your poo?

Nachos 57,521 23
02/02/2009 06:51 AM

Can your next article monitor the colour of your poo?

Actually I can see Bob's next article being a recreation of the classic Anal Fissure after those things rip him a new one on the way out.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
02/02/2009 09:56 AM

I will be following this article. I'm hoping that the research conducted here will give hope to parents of children with food allergies...

chicken nipples 2,207 7
02/02/2009 12:45 PM

spoiled mayonnaise and slightly stale bran muffins

That was the best food adjective since "Less appetizing was the chicken paprikash, a stew filled with large dumplings made of soggy newspaper, vinyl caulking, and hair".

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/02/2009 02:06 PM

Jesus, Bob...

Fratberry 283,028 53
02/02/2009 02:49 PM

I can't tell you how long I've been waiting for another excuse to eat some paste.  I'm so psyched.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 6
02/02/2009 02:53 PM

I've got to tell you, crayola twisatbles are cheaper than casein/guten free bread. I'm very excited about this!

Delicious & British, it's Marmite! 12,955 12
02/02/2009 03:10 PM

I resent that comment about British menus.

We wouldn't be seen dead eating Crayola.  Why would we when we have (Oh thank you great America) MacDonalds?

TitsMcGeeThatsMe 0 4
02/02/2009 04:26 PM

I suggest a playdoh cupcake topped with non-toxic glitter sprinkles and a crayola crayon candle...

Taste the rainbow

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/03/2009 10:37 AM

We wouldn't be seen dead eating Crayola.

What about Newplast? Just think of how chewy clay is.

Think about it.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 82 4
06/06/2009 07:58 PM

I ate a blue crayon at 4 yrs old. Thought it would taste like blueberry pie. Goooooooood times...

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
06/07/2009 01:42 AM

Hi Happy Bouncy!

I'm your new ZuG Live pal, W.P.

One of the no-no's here is bumping old threads when we have nothing interesting or funny to add to them. So let's not do that anymore, mmmmkay?

Also, spell check (or a dictionary) is your friend. Satan is an imaginary devil creature conjured up to scare gullible people. Satin is a smooth, shiny fabric that Italian-Americans use instead of silk because it's cheap. Saten is the Sagacious Agent for Theory Extraction and RevisioN, an intelligent object-oriented web-based information management system.

Okay, have fun!