My newest baby just had her birthday, so she's 11 now.  But, of course, she's 11 only in attitude - her knowledge base is SO underfunded, it's sad. (For those of you who live under rocks, Spicey and I are in the process of adopting her from a group home for kids.)

Anyway, tonight I spent a full hour looking at space pictures with my daughter.  She didn't know any of the planets - it surprised me that she couldn't at least identify Saturn - and she kept asking me where exactly they were.  Terms like "light-year" were foreign, as was the idea of gravity, and that people couldn't live in space or on the nearby planets because there is no air.  She also didn't know that the sun is a star, and that stars would look similar to the sun if they were closer.

It was really fun to see her get excited to learn this stuff.  She kept asking questions and was interested in everything we looked at. 

The reason I decided to focus on space tonight?  Well, because we watched Transformers (her request - she really IS Spicey's daughter) and in the middle of it, Sam's parents are yelling at him for not opening his bedroom door.  His mom asks "Were you masturbating?" 

Now, my daughter has watched this movie at least 17 times since last June.  For some reason, she picked up on it today and turned to me and asked - "What is masturbating, mom?"

So yeah.  Space pictures seemed the way to go.

Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
02/05/2009 08:19 PM

Do you have a different plan for teaching her about masterbation?

Public school, perhaps?

Sippin Straw 98,019 37
02/05/2009 08:23 PM

Did you say....masturbation?

Just Chance 171,275 14
02/05/2009 08:27 PM

Reach out and touch the space between your legs?

This is where youre going with this, right?

Perv.

Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
02/05/2009 08:27 PM

Public school, Baby!   Maybe I cain't spell jerkin' off, but I'm for damn sure good at it!

And I have excellent sentence structure too.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/05/2009 08:32 PM

I think it's time you finally teach her about the wonders of Uranus.

Anh is here. 11,158 14
02/05/2009 09:08 PM

Tell her that masturbation is something that only Decepticons do, and get her one of these to wear at school. Hilarity ensues!

The Mailman 176,464 56
02/05/2009 10:26 PM

A few months from now, your new daughter will ask you, "What's this ZUG.com that you and Dad keep talking about?" - and shortly after that, she will find this thread.

Dianasaurus Rex 57,835 109
02/05/2009 10:54 PM

I remember when I was about 10 I asked my parents what a condom was. I think Paul Harvey mentioned it during his show or something. Anyway, I don't remember their explanation about it at ALL, but I do remember the pastor mentioning condoms in his sermon that Sunday (probably reminding everyone how evil they are) and my dad reached down to squeeze my hand, like we were sharing a moment, and it was ok because he was there in case I got uncomfortable.

I'm pretty sure I never asked them any other questions.

spleendingo 157 7
02/05/2009 11:05 PM

For those of you who live under rocks

If by "rocks" you mean "overpass", then yes.

I'm using my laptop. And I'm masturbating right now.

In front of a public school.

To the trailer for the new "Transformers" movie.

While looking at the stars.

This thread has "me" written all over it.

Fratberry 283,028 53
02/05/2009 11:07 PM

Haha.  "Planets".  Next thing you know you'll be teaching her other fairy tales like dinosaurs and geometry.

Thud 68,506 19
02/05/2009 11:13 PM

Fratberry = Flat Earth Society meets Bishop Usher.

Chit 178,781 15
02/06/2009 12:04 AM

Being a non-parent, I have to wonder...do you ever feel like just making up some ridiculous bullShakespeare and seeing if you can spoon feed it to them without cracking up? 

If you can sell that gravity and solar system crap, they would buy just about anything, Right?

 

  BTW, I'm free to babysit anytime you guys want a night out alone. I always wanted to be a teacher.

 

spleendingo 157 7
02/06/2009 12:20 AM

I know what you mean Chit. Kids are just a pain in the ass. They always have something smarmy to say.

"Daddy, I wanna eat TOO......" (Boo hoo. I left you some frito's in the closet.)

"Daddy, what's 2+2 ?" (Dammit, do I LOOK like a doctor to you?)

"Daddy, can I play your video game next?" (Awww, child, it will cost you your OTHER pinky this time)

"Daddy, why is your face in between that strange woman's legs?" (Shut up and watch Spongebob like I said. And slide over, you're sitting on my legs...)

Little pricks.......

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/06/2009 07:24 AM

A few months from now, your new daughter will ask you, "What's this ZUG.com that you and Dad keep talking about?" - and shortly after that, she will find this thread.

That would be funny, but she can't really read.

And lest you think I suck as a mother, I did actually answer her question.  "Masturbation is when a person touches their private places to make themselves feel good."  She stared at me, blinked, and said ok. 

KChiki is a Cheeky Monkey 128,392 98
02/06/2009 08:37 AM

 And lest you think I suck as a mother, I did actually answer her question.  "Masturbation is when a person touches their private places to make themselves feel good."  She stared at me, blinked, and said ok. 

She soooooooooo started masturbating that night.

Whistler Hussein McManus 186,130 44
02/06/2009 09:36 AM

do you ever feel like just making up some ridiculous bullShakespeare and seeing if you can spoon feed it to them without cracking up? 

I do this on a fairly regular basis.

Cajun- fried Lobster 18,570 33
02/06/2009 10:35 AM

Dear Undies,

Should you ever decide to kidnap me and make me your slave I ever inexplicably move to New York, I am a tutor for special needs children and those with developmental issues like Mung. If you ever need a hand, you know where I am can always gimme a holla.

Love

Lobsta

thevelveturd 6,553 10
02/06/2009 11:36 AM

Try explaining to your 12 year old what " Skeet, skeet , skeet "  is referring to. A hint for all you who may not know. It has nothing to do with shooting.        ....er.... guns anyway. 

Shell Belle 77,143 25
02/06/2009 11:41 AM

Skeet?

thevelveturd 6,553 10
02/06/2009 12:27 PM

Funny, Shell but if you really don't know it's also referred to as the money shot, throwing ropes, bukkake,  any of those ringing a bell..  If you already knew. Good link/joke/post..  Whatever happened to that guy?

Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
02/06/2009 03:50 PM

And lest you think I suck as a mother.

Don't be silly dear.  We all understand, (belatedly), when the ring goes on, the sucking stops. 

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/07/2009 06:25 PM

Don't be silly dear.  We all understand, (belatedly), when the ring goes on, the sucking stops.

Riiiiiiight.  You must be new around here.

Also.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/10/2009 08:23 PM

An update - my daughter has turned into a real space cadet!

Today we spent some time together on the couch playing with a toy I borrowed from my son - you press buttons and pictures of planets light up, and it tells you facts like how many moons a planet has and its distance from the sun.  She really loved that, even though it is sadly out of date - it still says Pluto is a planet and Saturn has 18 moons.  (My son is 19 - almost 20 - and this was one of 2 toys he kept from when he was a kid.  That's how cool it is.  Of course, the other toy he kept is a car that has armor on it with guns that are mounted on either side of the hood.  One of the guns is broken off and missing.  He's a boy though, so I guess that choice can't be helped.)

Anyway, two days ago I bought a book from Borders - it's oversized and has nothing but pictures of galaxies, planetary nebulae and globular clusters in it - and we've been looking at it frequently.  Tonight  my daughter asked if we could get a telescope.  I tried to explain that we wouldn't be able to see many of the neat things in the book, even with a telescope, because they're just too far away.  I think she wanted to call me a liar, because she would look at the pictures and then give me a dirty look.

I've always wanted a super-cool telescope, so I think a purchase might be in our future.  Of course, I was also looking at dishwashers today, so I'm not sure which one will win out.

Though, the look on her face when she came running in to my room to tell me that the light from the sun takes almost 8 MINUTES!!!!! to get to Earth - well, it makes me think that teh Haggis having to wash dishes by hand for a little while longer wouldn't be all that bad.

Stuttering Sq-q-q-uirrel 53,270 54
02/10/2009 08:49 PM

Undies, you rock!

That is all!

Change your Jeens for Progress! 47,795 51
02/10/2009 09:06 PM

Undies and teh Haggis are awesome.

This is a favorite of mine, awkward as it is.

Le Ravos 63,472 21
02/11/2009 04:16 AM

She also didn't know that the sun is a star, and that stars would look similar to the sun if they were closer.

It would either look like the sun, or incinerate us instantly, depending on how close we are talking.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/11/2009 10:36 AM

Undies, you rock!

Spicey/Undies, or should I call you Spundies, YOU PEOPLE SUCK! Jerks!

Um, bipolar much, Squirrel boy?

Stuttering Sq-q-q-uirrel 53,270 54
02/11/2009 10:47 AM

No.... I mean Yes.... I mean I don't know....

Shell Belle 77,143 25
02/11/2009 12:24 PM

Undies,

You can make a simple telescope. Of course, it's not as good as a fancy, expensive one, but you'd be surprised at how good it is. It's a fun project to do with the kids. At least I think it is, but then I'm a complete nerd.

Linky.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/11/2009 08:34 PM

The week before going to Jamaica, I listened to a couple of astronomers talking to Leonard Lopate (I think) on WNYC. A listener asked them about a good but inexpensive first telescope. They recommended a decent pair of binoculars. They're easy to focus and can pull in more than you think.

The last night in Negril was as clear and bright of a night as I had seen in decades. There was a fuzzy light source about the size of a half dollar almost straight up. A pair of binoculars turned it into literally thousands and thousands of stars.

I guess what I'm saying is that if binoculars are good enough for intergallactic stalkers, they're good enough for me.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/11/2009 08:34 PM

And I could see Uranus.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/11/2009 09:28 PM

And I could see Uranus.

Dude, I'm fat now.  You can't see that unless you pull back the ass flaps.

Thud 68,506 19 grabs the brain bleach
02/11/2009 09:31 PM

Thanks for the image, Undies.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/11/2009 11:23 PM

unless you pull back the ass flaps

I'm not a stranger to manual labor.

DAGGY 86,705 14
02/13/2009 06:49 AM

I'm not a thinky person.... but I'm pretty sure you can't see into space using a dishwasher.

UnderWhere? 101,398 77
02/18/2009 06:41 PM

We went to the Planetarium this weekend, and caught two shows - "Saturday Sun, Moon & Stars" and "Wonders of Orion."   Each week this month they're focusing on a different area in Orion, and we saw the show on Theta 1C and the Horsehead Nebulae.  I bought a year membership for the whole family, so we're going to go back next week and catch the show on Alnitak.  I just got home tonight from the show "Our Huge Universe," which was pretty boring for me, and even my daughter knew a lot of the answers to the questions the astronmer was asking all the kids.  I was proud of her until near the end - the lights had been out for a while and she started snoring.

She is still really excited about space though.  Yesterday the house was pretty quiet for about a half hour, which is pretty unusual when it comes to my youngest.  It turns out she built her own telescope by coloring an empty paper towel roll with a black sharpie.  She came to show it to me, and her hands were covered in marker.  She also had a large black ring around her eye, from holding up the tube up to look through it.  I wanted to have her trick her dad with the thing, but she was nice enough to stop him from messing up his face too.