I have been remiss here. I logged onto this site because a pop-up ad told me it was funny. Obviously, pop-up ads are dumb. But here I am anyway. But I have never said hello and introduced myself.

Even though I've only been here for three days, you've all made me feel welcome. And by "all" I mean one. Thanks THUD. Perhaps this Christmas I'll buy you some extra trunk space for those dead hooker bodies.

I thought I would let you know a little about me to ease into the conversation. Much like having to ease my Coleridge into a virgin Emerson.

I have never done that, but hope makes this world go around. Am I right?

I like Video games because they take little effort to dominate them. Which is also why I like dead hookers.

I also like poker because it is the ULTIMATE "sport". Not a sport like baseball, basketball, football, or hockey. More like a sport of "watching that slutty looking waitress giving me free drinks" kind of sport. And that's something we can all get behind <----- See what I did there with the "get behind"?

I also feel that women are just using me for my non existent money and my non existent huge dick.

Sorry Pram dude, this is for the ladies.

So to break it down: I spend all my time either on here, playing poker, or playing video games.

I guess I should have named this post "Allow me to tell you why I don't have a girlfriend". But that would have taken too long.

Just Chance 171,275 14
02/06/2009 04:33 AM

Wow! Looks like Thud has become the official welcoming committee! Whowudathunkit?

Welcome to Gab/Live. You can write a coherant sentence and youre funny! Youve finished step one butterfly. Now go off and spread your wings and make Thud proud! Remember, hes watching you....hes always watching.

Now its time to go close my curtains and get ready for work.

Phuc 237,919 21
02/06/2009 05:19 AM

Hey.

If you capitalize your user name, I'll read your posts.

Shell Belle 77,143 25
02/06/2009 07:44 AM

Welcome. Don't bring to disgrace to our icon family. I don't care so much, but Whistler will kick your ass.

Shell Belle 77,143 25
02/06/2009 07:45 AM

and scratch that extra to. Shakespeare.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
02/06/2009 08:17 AM

Introductions are over-rated. How about some extroductions?

KChiki is a Cheeky Monkey 128,392 98
02/06/2009 08:32 AM

 Hello. I haven't been around much lately, but I'm the funniest person here. Ask anyone. You should 5-orb all my posts so that everyone will like you.

Just helpin' out!

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/06/2009 09:20 AM

This chick sounds hawt. She likes video games, hookers and anal.

PM in profile dear, and welcome! 

Cajun- fried Lobster 18,570 33
02/06/2009 09:23 AM

Mung, that's a boy.

But you have at least a 50% chance of manboobs, so go for it.

Whistler Hussein McManus 186,130 44
02/06/2009 09:43 AM

You know that scene in the movie Heat where they tell the violent Frost up that he's out of the gang, but he's getting a full share of the loot from the last job and he should go out to the car with them to get it?  And when they get there, the trunk is open and he sees that it's lined with plastic?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you probably shouldn't go out to the parking lot with Thud.

Just some friendly advice for the n00b.

Mung Champ 35,891 35
02/06/2009 10:21 AM

Mung, that's a boy.

But you have at least a 50% chance of manboobs, so go for it.

Note to self: Subtle humor is lost in the Third Trimester.

Cajun- fried Lobster 18,570 33
02/06/2009 10:31 AM

Not like you and your woman have enough sex for you to knock her up anyway.

OH SNAP!!!

spleendingo 157 7
02/06/2009 10:56 PM

Now its time to go close my curtains and get ready for work.

You could have told me you were closing the curtains BEFORE I stood outside your window for three hours.

Everyone told me stalking was easy.

Frosters.

spleendingo 157 7
02/06/2009 11:02 PM

But you have at least a 50% chance of manboobs, so go for it.

It's currently 70% since the whole "unemployment sitting on my ass all day doing nothing but eating and trying to find a reason to live" fiasco that is my life.

For all of you who work and pay taxes, I have to say:

THANKS FOR THE FREE MONEY BITCHES!

It keeps me in alcohol, black market anti-depressents, and yummy Philipino hookers.

spleendingo 157 7
02/06/2009 11:05 PM

Oh, and thanks for all the advice about THUD.

Duly noted not to be alone with him in a dark room.

Even if his manly arms wrapped around me like a comforting blanket when I first posted here. In a totally straight manner of course.

Pubah 56,813 18
02/06/2009 11:34 PM

Welcome

Just be funny

or

some of us cantankerous Krudmudgens will show up in your video to kick your Avatar's ass...

appear at your poker game in a tu-tu (hairy legs and all) and serve you bad drinks while telling your opponent you're bluffing

and wait outside the Starbucks to beat your ass, take your money and destroy your anal cherry...

Again, Welcome to Gab/Live

I am The Grand Pubah of the Loyal Order of WildeBeasts

You will address me as such

spleendingo 157 7
02/07/2009 12:00 AM

TO: The Grand Pubah of the Loyal Order of WildeBeasts

First, can't I just call you "Pubes".....for short.

Who knew being funny has such stress. I thought fart, poop, dick and dead hooker references were enough.

It seems to have worked so far if the rankings are any indication.

I'm also confused as to why people talk about "gab" or "live". My address bar says ZUG....which doesn't even rhyme with gab or live. If you're french it rhymes though. Then Frost you, you snail eating Froster.

Test Tube Baby Now In High Def 828 5
02/07/2009 08:41 AM

What Chance said. Welcome to our  cult  world.

Bean 8,602 19
02/07/2009 09:44 AM

I am The Grand Pubah of the Loyal Order of WildeBeasts

You will address me as such

And for this reason, I feel a special connection to Pubah, as when I started my current job, my boss took me around the courthouse introducing me to the staff as "The Grand Pubah" of his office. 

Pubah 56,813 18
02/07/2009 10:43 PM

Only sex partners call me Pubes...

You can call me Sire

spleendingo 157 7
02/07/2009 11:55 PM

Only sex partners call me Pubes...

So I guess I can call you that then.....?

Or I was I just another play toy for you at 4 a.m. when you came over drunk demanding butt sex?

Pubah 56,813 18
02/08/2009 01:57 PM

I was bored...your ass was there...I popped it

It ment nothing...Call Me Sire!

Thud 68,506 19
02/08/2009 07:28 PM

Spleen, you're doing fine.  Gall Bladder, we need to talk.

Don't take the warnings here seriously.  It makes my job easier if you aren't prepared.

spleendingo 157 7
02/09/2009 03:11 AM

I was bored...your ass was there...I popped it

Obviously you haven't seen my arrest record for "Men's Room" incidents.

The list is short, but distinguished.

Like my dick.

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/09/2009 03:30 AM

For all of you who work and pay taxes, I have to say:

THANKS FOR THE FREE MONEY BITCHES!

You are an unquantifiable and indefinsible Dumbass. Unemployment does not come from tax payers, it's a fund that YOU paid into when you were working, and which, if you were laid off, are now justly owed, through your employer.

Income taxes of the working class pay for stupid Shakespeare like Medicare and Frost-ing Food Stamps for retarded rednecks who are too goddamn lazy to go get a new card when the magnetic strip is worn out and stops working.

Enjoy the "free" money, bitch!

"You ought to know, you bought it".

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/09/2009 03:37 AM

Also, I hope you die.

spleendingo 157 7
02/09/2009 03:41 AM

You're right Pram.

I should have been thanking you for the food stamps.

So......thanks. The Cheeto's and Pork Rinds were swell.

Can't you pony up for some steaks you cheap bastard?

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/09/2009 04:40 AM

Could you die, you worthless piece of Shakespeare?

Le Ravos 63,472 21
02/09/2009 04:40 AM

But you have at least a 50% chance of manboobs, so go for it.

It's currently 70% since the whole "unemployment sitting on my ass all day doing nothing but eating and trying to find a reason to live" fiasco that is my life.

Make that 80%. He also plays video games.

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/09/2009 04:44 AM

I think we should ban this Emerson for being underage. I mean, who links to CRACKED on their profile?

Le Ravos 63,472 21
02/09/2009 04:46 AM

Cracked?

...Make that 90%.

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/09/2009 11:55 AM

90% morons...

thevelveturd 6,553 10
02/09/2009 12:29 PM

Hey, Cracked helps me to catogorize every pointless minutia of pop culture into manageable lists for memory storage.

Deck the Pram 80,728 42
02/09/2009 07:08 PM

Aww, go review a movie.

spleendingo 157 7
02/10/2009 05:02 AM

I think we should ban this Emerson for being underage. I mean, who links to CRACKED on their profile?

My bad Pram dude.

I meant to link to "myasscrack.com".

But you're already a member, so you know that.

I will die eventually. Way to waste your hope card. You could have been hoping for a bigger penis.

Or a sense of humour.

Realistically, those things aren't happening though. Much love snookers.

Hairy Lobster 18,570 33
02/10/2009 09:20 AM

Hiya!

I suppose, since you've been accepted, you can check out pictures of my boobs and pre-pregnancy ass (when it was still where it's supposed to be) on MySpace or FaceBook.

Empty Apples 184 5
02/10/2009 11:56 AM

 I suppose, since you've been accepted, you can check out pictures of my boobs and pre-pregnancy ass (when it was still where it's supposed to be) on MySpace or FaceBook.



Way to just put that out there Lobsta. Is that all it takes to be able to examine your body parts, just be accepted by the collective funny (and sometimes unfunny) GAB? In which case, did your baby daddy post on here, or what'd he do to earn the ability to see... and uh, touch, and all? 



P.S. Didn't actually read thread to see if there was prior conversation about when Spleen would be able to examine said tits and ass. 

Hairy Lobster 18,570 33
02/10/2009 02:42 PM

As I have stated on several other occasions, my babydaddy was the result of a really good Cowboys game ( i know, right?) and LOTS of tequila. Had there been no football, or had I been sober, I would not be pregnant.

Empty Apples 184 5
02/10/2009 04:58 PM

 Ah. I missed that story somewhere or other along the line. 

Tequila. Yeah. It really DOES make my clothes fall off. It's probably a good thing I don't let myself drink it anymore.. otherwise I likely would be in the same situation as you, only I wouldn't have a really good football game to blame. I could watch a horrible chess match, and it'd still get me horny. 

Hairy Lobster 18,570 33
02/11/2009 05:45 PM

Wait a minute... YOU'RE A CHICK???

Empty Apples 184 5
02/11/2009 06:04 PM

 Wait a minute... YOU'RE A CHICK???

I have all the appropriate parts. 

When presented with the question "Sex: [ ] male      [ ] female", I mark female, because there is no "yes, please, thank you very much" option. 

So, I think I'm a chick. 

If not, there are probably some guys who will be needing therapy once finding out that they have done one of the following: kissed/hugged/oogled/grabbed/had sex with a man. 

 

spleendingo 157 7
02/13/2009 12:22 AM

Hiya!

I suppose, since you've been accepted, you can check out pictures of my boobs and pre-pregnancy ass (when it was still where it's supposed to be) on MySpace or FaceBook.

Was I NOT supposed to do that before?

I may have failed to follow proper "knocked up chick with big boobs" protocal.

Sorry about the masturbation.

Love your boobs though.

spleendingo 157 7
02/13/2009 12:34 AM

there are probably some guys who will be needing therapy once finding out that they have done one of the following: kissed/hugged/oogled/grabbed/had sex with a man.

How did you know?!?

I'm glad that's not me....HAHA!

Just Chance 171,275 14
02/13/2009 07:09 AM

Did someone say cheet-os?

Fratberry 283,028 53
02/13/2009 07:36 AM

No, Al took his shoes off.

Just Chance 171,275 14
02/13/2009 08:32 AM

I thought that was Fritos.

le turd de velours 6,553 10
02/13/2009 08:38 AM

No, smells like Funyuns to me.

Just Chance 171,275 14
02/13/2009 08:41 AM

Hush you.

le turd de velours 6,553 10
02/13/2009 08:48 AM

Guezunticht.