|
Here's a fact: two-thirds of the world's population gets acne without even trying. All they have to do is eat some ice cream and they'll have zits popping up all over the place. Not me, though, and you all know it's not for lack of trying.
In the past week, I've tried just about everything to give myself pimples -- spending two days awake, gorging on greasy food and lots of pork, smearing my face with all things oily and icky, and giving up sex [read Part 1 and Part 2 here]. Did I break out? Hell no! So I'm bringing in the cavalry, and by "cavalry" I mean "pizza."
Everyone, meet Handuraw pizza.
This is how a third-world Hawaiian pizza looks, slim all around and sparing with the garnishings. This is why few of us ever reach six feet or get to play in the NBA. It's also why Hollywood will always stereotype us as "those tiny people who eat rice and can do kung fu."
But I digress. We were talking about pizza, pizza grease, and my pimple-free face. I ordered pizza; we ate it for lunch; and I turned the leftovers into moisturizer.
This is the pizza and the girl.
This is the girl turning pizza into soap.
This is the girl looking pizza-greasy and smelling yummy.
Damn! I want to eat myself (but not in the way you're thinking, you pervs). Did pizza grease make short work of my clear face? Hardly! But I did smell of pineapples even after I showered. So now I knew that pizza wouldn't give me acne, but I had one more substance left to try.
Calamay.
The western world doesn't have calamay. In fact, only one place in the Philippines has calamay -- Bohol, a touristy resort island which is also home to an endangered species called the Tarsier:
And if you think that's weird, meet the calamay:
It's not a ball, it's a coconut shell. It packs a mean punch, too. You could break a colleague's face with one. Here's what's inside.
That's not poo, people! That's coconut milk, brown sugar, sticky rice, and what's got to be a liter of oil. Those are all thrown into a pot, mixed, stirred until it's as sticky as an industrial adhesive, then poured into the coconut shell -- for consumption within five days of creation. It's incredibly sweet, and ridiculously sticky. It's so sticky that if you're not used to eating it, you're sure to choke. It will stick to your hands and to your throat, sealing shut your esophagus, so unless you've had practice eating it as a child, you'll need a constant supply of water to push it down.
If calamay won't give me acne, nothing will. Stay tuned for the final test.
Next: The Ultimate Test!
|
120 
2 
Share on your site:
2,688 
5