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Recently I was at a bar with some friends, and the topic turned to Erectile Dysfunction. It seemed that one of my friends, who we'll call "Floppy," recently had a problem with his girlfriend -- not just A problem, but THE problem. Floppy has never had problems performing, but was recently trying to do it in his parents' living room, after a night of heavy drinking, and under a large picture of his Jewish grandmother. "That killed it for me," he moaned. "She wouldn't stop staring at me."
After much discussion of who would bang Floppy's grandmother, the discussion turned to the worst places to get help for Erectile Dysfunction. We came up with many hilarious scenarios, from Nathan's Hot Dogs to Microsoft Tech Support. These seemed wildly funny to us, but later it struck me that it would be even funnier to call these places and write up the transcripts for ZUG.
So my first prank phone call was to our #3 worst place to get help for erectile dysfunction: a convent of nuns.
Many convents still exist in America, and I called one that we'll call the "Convent of the Sacred Staff." The phone was answered by an efficient middle-aged secretary nun.
CONVENT: Good morning, this is the Convent of the ____ ____, may I help you?
ME: Hi, I'm looking to get some help.
CONVENT: Okay, how may I help you, sir?
ME: First of all, are men allowed on the premises?
CONVENT: We do offer spiritual retreats here, which are open to both men and women, depending on the type of retreat.
ME: Great. Great. And what's the man:woman ratio, generally speaking?
CONVENT: [Pause] For the retreats?
ME: Right.
CONVENT: I suppose it depends on the type of retreat. Generally our retreats are, ah, anywhere from 1/3 men, and 2/3 women.
ME: Nice. Is there any way I could get myself into an all-female retreat?
CONVENT: No, sir.
ME: See, I have this problem, and I was told the sisters of the Convent of the ____ ____ might be able to help me.
CONVENT: Mmm-hmm.
ME: I have this medical condition known as "Erectile Dysfunction," and I...
CONVENT: [Hangs up]
She hung up on me, so I called back a few minutes later and kept on going like nothing had happened.
CONVENT: Good morning, Convent of the ____ ____. May I help you?
ME: Sorry we got disconnected. Anyway, like I was saying, I need spiritual help ... in my pants.
CONVENT: That's not spiritual help, sir.
ME: I'm a guy. Most of us keep our spirit in our pants.
CONVENT: [She manages a small chuckle.] Sir, if you have a serious inquiry, I'm happy to help, but otherwise I can't be of service to you.
ME: Oh, I think you could be of service to me.
CONVENT: Is there anything else, sir?
ME: Hey, remember when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead?
CONVENT: Yes.
ME: Well, I've got a dead Lazarus in my pants.
CONVENT: [Long uncomfortable silence.]
ME: So, can you help?
CONVENT: If you'd like to join us for one of our spiritual workshops, I think you'd find this a place of great healing and comfort...
ME: Comfort, yeah.
CONVENT: ...But if you're just calling to amuse yourself, then I think we need to end this conversation.
ME: Listen, I know we've only talked to each other for a short time, but I need to confess something to you. Confession is important, right?
CONVENT: [Silence.]
ME: I confess that ... I think I'm falling in love with you.
CONVENT: Sir, I am very busy and will need to end this call now.
ME: In Christ's love, I mean! The love of Christ!
CONVENT: [Hangs up]
As I sat there looking at my phone, one thought kept repeating in my mind: I just hit on a nun.
My first hit-and-nun prank call was complete, but I was just getting warmed up. Stay tuned for Part 2.
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