The following happened just an hour ago: I went to my company's cafeteria to buy lunch. I was waiting in the line for my dish to arrive when the cashier asked me what my choice of dessert would be. After I looked at their selection of sweets for five seconds, the person ahead of me in the line told me with a big friendly smile, "Go with the chocolate cake. It's delicious."



This person probably works for another company that is in the building, because I had never seen her before in my life. And here she is, giving me friendly advice on what I should eat for lunch. I smiled back to her.



Then I turned to the cashier and said, "I'll have the apple pie, please."



From the way the improvised meal planner looked at me, I'm guessing I did not make a new friend today. Apparently, I seriously offended her by not choosing the chocolate cake. Let's just hope she's not the new president of my company or something.



Even better was the look on the cashier's face, who seemed embarrassed to give me what I had just asked for.



So, how to you deal with friendly, yet unsolicited advice from complete strangers?

I look them squarely in the eye and sternly say: "Bollocks!"

Then I giggle and skip away like a little girl.

Since I'm a 300+ lb American man without a trace of any kind of European accents, it's an extremely confusing experience for all.  Especially me.

Lots and lots of euthanasia.

Tell Balki and/or Larry that you love what they've done with their careers.

I have yet to run into one that really is.

Dammit what did I eat this morning!

There is no not trying.

You must not do, or not do not.

I smile, nod, wait until they're out of earshot, and then call them an Emerson.

I like to go up to girls that I know are overweight and say "Congratulations, when are you due?".  The advise I am giving is to either lose weight, or hop on board and get pregnant.

Win-win all around!

I smile, say "hiello" in a bad accent, slap them in the face, explain that "in my country, we smack to say hai," then run screaming "VERY NICE"

You should have said,  " Oh, I guess you think that because I'm black that I would want chocolate cake huh"

Even if you're not black it would be funny as hell.

I like to go up to girls that I know are overweight and say "Congratulations, when are you due?".  The advise I am giving is to either lose weight, or hop on board and get pregnant.



I like to kick people who ask or assume I'm pregnant in the crotch.  I hope we can meet sometime.



 

You listen, smile, nod your head thoughfully as they speak.

When they're done, you say "Thank you for the advice. Can I Frost you.....right in the face?"

people who assume I'm pregnant in the crotch.

Isn't that where people normally get pregnant?

Try the churros.

I usually go with something like ... "Well, I was going to have that last giant bowl of dick, but it appears you've beaten me to it.  Enjoy!"

I try to smile sincerely too.

"Je ne parles pas ze Onglaize."

Ask them who shaves their eyebrows and then draws them back on.