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Recently a friend told me about an encounter with the dreaded Erectile Dysfunction, after drinking all night with his girlfriend, and then trying to get busy under a large picture of his Jewish grandmother. This was a funny story, but even funnier was our discussion of the worst places to turn to help for Erectile Dysfunction. Funnier still was that I then actually made these prank phone calls (see Part 1 and Part 2).
In my final phone call, I tried turning to the worst place I could think of for help with Erectile Dysfunction: my mother.
She's a typical Jewish mom, in her late 50's, who doesn't like to talk about sex. This was probably the most painfully awkward phone call of my life -- but hey, I'm in it for the comedy.
My actual mother is not quite this hot.
MOM: Hello?
ME: Hi, ma.
MOM: Oh, hi. I was just thinking about you.
ME: I was thinking about you, too.
MOM: You were?
ME: Yes, while I was having sex.
MOM: [Lets out a shriek] You what?!
ME: I met this girl at a bar on Saturday. We were doing it, and for some reason I couldn't get you out of my head, and I just lost it.
MOM: This is disgusting!
ME: You're telling me. She kind of looked like you, too. She had your mouth.
MOM: Is this a joke?
ME: I wiShakespeare was.
MOM: [Silence] This is just really inappropriate. Do you need some therapy?
ME: Probably. I haven't been able to get it up ever since.
MOM: I don't know what is wrong with you. This is terrible and disgusting. I am hanging up the phone now. [Hangs up]
My own mother hung up on me! I tried calling her back, but she wouldn't answer the phone. So I waited an hour, then called again, and this time she answered.
MOM: Is this my pervert son?
ME: I'm not a pervert, ma. Listen. I didn't say I was fantasizing about you, I was just saying I couldn't get you out of my head. That killed the excitement, actually. I'm just calling to see if you have any advice.
MOM: Who was the girl?
ME: Some girl. Susanna was her name, I think.
MOM: You think? I can't believe I raised you.
ME: The girl isn't important. Although she did kind of have your figure.
MOM: I don't know what you want me to do here. Besides look up a therapist for you.
ME: I'm trying to see if you have any advice for overcoming Erectile Dysfunction. I haven't been able to get aroused since.
MOM: And this is my fault?
ME: Has this ever happened to Jim? ["Jim" is my stepfather.]
MOM: Has what ever happened?
ME: You know -- a non-kosher hot dog?
MOM: [This gets a laugh] Listen, I don't know what you want from me here. Go get some Viagra or something.
ME: I'm 28, ma. You want me to start taking Viagra now? What else? Fiber supplements?
MOM: You laugh, but everyone could benefit from a good fiber supplement. They keep you regular, and that's the key to good health.
ME: See, I think the key to good health is being able to maintain a boner.
MOM: [Gasps] That's it. This conversation is over.
ME: Hey, wait a minute. Don't hang up yet. Listen, ma. Listen. This is therapeutic.
MOM: Therapeutic for you. I'm going to need therapy.
ME: Sexual therapy?
MOM: Are you finished?
ME: No, that was the problem, remember? I couldn't finish.
MOM: Really, this is not normal. Sons don't call their mothers and talk about these things.
ME: They do if they're making a prank phone call.
MOM: [Long pause] What are you telling me?
ME: I'm writing a comedy article for this Web site.
MOM: And you made a crank phone call to your own mother?
ME: Well, you were handy.
MOM: [Hangs up]
For the purposes of authenticity, though, I did later try to pleasure myself while thinking about my mother.
My brain threw up inside my own head.
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